superman: so, let me get this straight... you're calling yourself "ultrawoman," and you're wearing a purple suit with lavender accents and a teal cape, and you think you have super powers.
lois: yes, exactly.
superman: and what have you had to eat or drink recently?
lois: just that water over there. why do you ask?
---
superman: wait, stop! that's not an ordinary bottle of water!
delivery man: what do you mean? sure it is. ... oh, it's you, superman. well, if you say so, i'll trust you. <drops the bottle and backs off, quickly.>
superman: just as i thought, lois. this is expensive imported mineral water. and the suits upstairs said they couldn't afford to give us a raise!
---
kal-el: hmm, odd. this substance appears to be dihydrogen monoxide. why would the earthlings keep it in such a prominent location? do you think it has some sort of cultural significance?
---
superman: hmm, yes. clever of him, but i've seen this trick before. the water coolant system has been replaced with a heating system, to excite the ion particles. it was sabatoge! that's why all the drinking water in town is lukewarm! ooo... he's sunk to a new low...
---
superman: ah-ha! the water in this tank has been spiked!
ultrawoman: with what? alcohol? poison? drugs?
superman: no, worse than that. it's... berry blue kool-aid.
---
superman: hey, wait a second... this water smells just like that stuff from the space rats, and that means... it's all mine!!
---
superman: yes... i see now... it was all a set-up, designed to lure us here...
ultrawoman: what is it? what's in the tank?
superman: water.
ultrawoman: water?
superman: yes. careful, lois. we're about to be asaulted with... water balloons!
---
superman: this stuff smells familiar. it smells like... what is it? ... i got it! eau de chat #7. wow. cat really buys her perfume in bulk, doesn't she?
---
UW: superman, wait! i think that barrel is full of miranda's pheremone perfume. if you smell it now, without your powers, you'll... wait, never mind. sniff to your heart's content, big guy.
---
superman: oh no! ultrawoman, you have to get this stuff out of here, fast!
UW: what is it?
SM: you don't want to know.
UW: just tell me.
SM: <whispering> it's... a leftover case of crystal pepsi.
---
<not sure about this one, but.. what the hey.>
SM: lois, quick! get this bottle out of here and replace it with a clean one!
UW: what? what is it?
SM: well, without my powers, it seems i'm vulnerable to...
UW: what?
SM: pollen. i just sneezed in the tank.
---
UW: is that what i think it is?
SM: yup. my next delivery of hair gel. what with air friction and all, i burn through this stuff faster than you'd believe.
(note: this caption inspired by a sudden memory of
this story by bethy and shivasaavik.)
