Okay, first off, I have to say that this is just stunningly brilliant. I'm wildly jealous of your ability to paint a scene so vividly, Rat. You use words like paint brushes, each one adding another stroke to the overall picture, each one as important as the other. It seems so simple when it reads as well as this, but as a writer, I know just how hard it is to achieve.
Now, you asked about the ellipses. Personally, I have no problem with them, generally speaking. CC, for example, uses them particularly effectively, I think, when she includes them in her dialogue or in the thoughts of her characters. However, what I will say is that to me, as a reader, they generally convey a 'thinking' pause in speech, where the character may have said something, then decided it needs revising slightly, or contradicting completely. They can also give a sense that the character is struggling to find the correct words to express him or herself. You do that yourself: "Clark..." Her voice wavered, fading into shock before recovering. But it shook as she continued. "...you...did you get...did they - ?"
In your story, I have to say that the ellipses didn't quite work for me. I didn't get the sense of breathlessness that I see you were trying to convey. Maybe it's because they weren't always being used to convey they same thing - in the example above, Lois is stumbling over her words because of shock, and elsewhere, you're using them to illustrate the breathlessness. Dunno. Anyway, I wonder whether broken sentences may have worked better. I even wonder whether commas would work. Hmm.
"Can't do much, for it, here," he told her firmly. "Like your ankle. Shelter first. It is okay. Really," he assured her. "Doesn't, hurt. Much. Besides, you can walk on that, ankle, I can walk on, this arm."
No, that looks awful, doesn't it? Ick.
"Can't do much. For it. Here," he told her firmly. "Like your ankle. Shelter first. It is okay. Really," he assured her. "Doesn't. Hurt. Much. Besides, you can walk on that. Ankle. I can walk on. This arm."
Maybe that's too jerky? Or totally incomprehensible? It's difficult to tell when I'm typing this into the Message box, so I'll post it and let people make up their own minds.
Yvonne
