Well, Labby, now that I'm home and the boards are back up <huge sigh of relief>, I will say: this is fantabulous! I'm having to make up words because "wonderful" and "wow" and "more soon!" are words I use so often, I felt you needed something less common for this fantastic, fabulous piece of work. (Oh, wait, "more soon!" is actually a keeper.) Fantabulous! More soon!!
This was gripping. The HUGE wrenching, heart-stopping, breath-suspending moment for me was the whole escape to the woods section: The desperation of Clark, the confusion of the newly awakened Lois and her instinctive, ingrained balking. The recognition by Clark that he is probably hurting her with his grip. The desperate realization that he can't just face them down, he may not be invulnerable. The horror that Lois has turned back for him, and that they won't make the woods. The desperation in his grabbing Lois and forcing her tight against his chest, knowing he may die protecting her, and hoping that she can still get away. The gaspingly-regained breath as I read that his powers were back long enough to withstand those bullets!
Now, as to the elipses and the points Paul makes: The elipses worked for me, too. I see Yvonne's point, but since I use elipses all the time, I had no problem separating the thinking pauses or grasping-for-words pauses from the breathless ones. I talk that way when I'm short of breath. Yvonne's suggestions, especially the comma version, also worked for me. So-- who was the wise FDK'er who said, "it's your story..." -- you acheived the effect you were looking for. Hey, maybe those --'s are the way to do it <g>:
Can't-- do much for-- it, here," he told her firmly. "Like your-- ankle. Shelter first. It is okay. Really," he assured her. "Doesn't-- hurt. Much. Besides, you can-- walk on that-- ankle-- I can walk-- on this arm."
How's that?
As for the length (sorry, Paul!)? Long is good, but short is also good-- if you post every, say, 12 hours <g>. Anyway, as long as you keep them parts a-comin' I can deal with short parts. I guess. Maybe. Or maybe not. Oh, heck with it. Keep 'em long!
I think Paul's got the right idea at the end of his thoughts on the guns-- random listing of guns here, it's just not that important to Clark at the moment. Getting away, staying warm, getting his powers back, are his big focus.
And I think you can get away with the bleeding thing because the whole premise of intermittent powers is new to fanfic, so you have some leeway with it. It's not too big a stretch, really, for me to think that in those [very brief, remember] bits of returned powers, and no sunlight, there is only very brief healing of the wound-- and that he could tear it open again upon exertion. They are struggling through deep snow, are stumbling because their feet are numb, and no woods is a clear path-- there's lots of shrubbery to grab and and pull out of the way, using one's arm muscles. Not tear the wound open as badly, but enough to cause an ongoing sluggish bleeding. I read this section as the brief periods of invulnerability not being able to keep up with the stress of the harsh conditions-- so his extremities get progressively number (and he realizes it's worse for Lois), his wound tears open... If they were escaping through harsh physical conditions such as dense undergrowth and cold only, during the daytime with sun shining, I don't think this situation would work as well... but here, in the night, you pulled it off ok for me.
Now, as to the cabin-- are those ants just the screaming heebie-jeebies a normal stressed out and desperate partial superhero (sorry! <g>) would experience, or are you trying to tell us something? There better not be anybody in that cabin! A few... rats?... would be ok, I guess, but if there's people in there, especially Norman, I'm gonna find out from Wendy or CC or Yvonne (or all three) where you live, Labby, and... wait, is that too strongly worded? Er, just carry on, then, and I'll (sigh) just cope with whatever you throw at us, the gentle readers.
Oh, and Norman worked ok for me, even though I could never watch such a creepy movie. I'd leave it Norman, or how about this:
One of them no doubt named Norman, he thought morosely.
Bates hotel?? Okay, now he was getting ridiculous.
Sorry this is so long, but that's what you get when you crash the boards... no, wait, or was that someone else <g>?
And Mere, if you're here, since I'm in a chatty mood and wide awake-- how about some more R&R?? So I can comment? Please? The boards crashing is just not a valid excuse for not posting <bg>!!
~Toc
