Okay, small preamble this time around.

I'll confess that I'm using you gentle readers to experiment on with this segment (hey, makes a change from the rat being on the receiving end).

The use of ellipses and truncated sentences here to denote Lois and Clark's breathlessness bugs me a tad. If it were up to me, I'd lose that formatting and just have normal, uninterrupted dialogue and just denote the breathlessness in the narrative alone. But I felt that was kind of a cop out and if it was mentioned in the narrative it should be shown in the dialogue.

Which is where you guys come in. <g> Did those dialogue pauses bug you? Would you prefer they weren't there? Would you think it was cheating if they weren't? Or wouldn't you notice/care either way? Do let me know here, won't you? And I'll adjust the final file if necessary for the Archive. Thanks!

Oh, and since - amazingly enough and way beyond the call of duty - practically the first thing Wendy did when she got back online last night was send me her beta file for that final scene...plus that she didn't shoot it down in flames <g>...I should now be able to speed up my posting schedule. No major rewrites -

I'm still thinking about what that new schedule will be (sorry, but haven't had breakfast yet and the brain is sluggish right now...) But when I think of what it will be, I'll let you know.

LabRat

I hope those guys can't follow them!!


What's to think? EOD!!!!!

Oooh, great part, Labby! I was getting chilly just reading that. Of *course* Lois would over-estimate her coat, city girl that she is. *shakes her head sadly* The "Not Superman... you know" reminded me of Aunt May. *giggle* And whee, they finally found the cabin!

The ellipsis and pauses didn't bother me. In fact, I took them for the pauses in breath that they were. Lois and Clark are obviously short of breath and extremely cold, so they wouldn't be able to force out full sentences in one breath. They'd have to keep pausing. It helped me imagine them talking, trying to force out the words.

And I'm all for a speeded up posting schedule!

For me the formatting was just right. I got breathless just reading it. I don't find the ellipses to be annoying at all.

My 2 cents said..this was amazing.

Clark's invulnerability at the right moment..holy, I was on the edge of my SEAT!

Their struggle through the blizzard, my heart was aching with the pain and disorientation they were feeling that I swear I felt as I read this! Powerful stuff indeed!

And what, or who, is in that cabin??

Glad to hear that you will be posting more often..I'd be happy to give you one more opinion on how it flows as a whole, so you can just email me the completed story asap..(hey I can quote CC too..what if it works??)

~Liz

I think this might be my favorite segment of the story. Well, except there are a few parts later on that I'm also particularly fond of, so maybe this just ranks two or three...

Reading this I felt like I was struggling to get away - I felt breathless and panicked. I love the tension in the scene. For me, as a writer, to capture action and make it feel real is nearly impossible. So I am totally wowed by this because it is so well done.

Specifics - LOL over Lois's commentary. How she immediately thought it was Clark's fault that they were being shot at, and then getting angry at him for risking his life. Too, I loved her concern for him once she discovered he'd been injured.

And Clark...my dear, sweet, big beautiful Clark. Willing to put his now-vulnerable body between Lois and those bullets. <whimper>

Lab, you know my thoughts on the ellipses. They don't bother me at all. In fact, like Liz, they made me feel kind of breathless. But if they do bother you, I don't see any problem with taking them out. From what I've been taught (so take that with a grain of salt) apparently a writer can allude to specific speech pattern/accent in the begining to establish it and then drop off the little stylistic trappings if necessary. Like implying that someone has a heavy southern accent but not actually writing words the way they'd be pronounced phonetically.

I say - keep 'em in.

Great part. And that cabin...hmmm

Lynn

Okay, having just choked on my Pepsi, reading this I have to just come in at this point and go

LabRat

Yep, two thumbs up for the ellipses. It's like a constant reminder to me that this isn't a walk in the park for them right now.


No doubt!

JD

Ellipses there were Ellipses? Who noticed? I was to enthralled with the story of Lois and Clark freezing to death and running from danger. Ellipses? I didn't even see the words! Laura

Great section, Labbie. I could practically feel the cold (and then subsequently shut off my air conditioner). Excellent descriptions. I'm eagerly waiting to find out what the cabin holds for them.

Ellipses hmmm...so that's what those little dots are called...I always thought they were just multiple periods...meant to denote pauses in speech.

And to harp on an overdone theme *sigh* cause I got nothing original...your story is a rocking good read so far, I love it, keep going, can't wait until next section.

Bravo Lab!

Hi,

Great part.

Du-uh !!! You galactically stupid woman!! Of course they are!!!


MDL. (who has to apologize... she just couldn´t resist.)

I'm with Laura. Ellipses? Where were the ellipses? I was too busy dealing with frigid weather and fear to notice anything so mundane as ellipses. Don't give it a thought, Lab.

Now, if Clark can just share his secret with Lois and have a short spurt of superpowers, after they snuggle together to stay warm.
LaurieD

Yikes, rough night. I'm glad you didn't leave them finding shelter to the next part, because I'd've sent rat-traps after you for that. <eg>

I hope that shelter really is shelter, and not a cabin containing a seriel killer named Norman. Which I didn't really get, by the way, but maybe I'm not supposed to. <g>

You are killing me with suspense, Lab!

Julie

I'm away from the board for a week, and there's a NEW LABRAT STORY!!!!! Yay!

I really like this story so far, although I have to admit for now we've only seen the side of Lois I dislike (where often times I just want to tell her to shut up and listen already), but with the latest part it definitely seems like you're moving towards a stronger, more compassionate Lois. Plus, I infintely prefer pushy Lois to perfect Lois!

As far as ellipses go, I think the pauses do an excellent job of illustrating the breathlessness you're trying to convey. Sure, they break up the flow a little, but that's true to the story. I prefer it to "Clark said breathlessly" because this way you're following the old adage of "Show, don't tell." Just my $0.02.

Anyway, more soon, please!

Like Laurach, I didn't even notice the ellipses. I was too busy sitting on the edge of my seat, reading the story!

Masterfully written, this story has totally pulled me in. I was actually going to suggest, tongue in cheek, that since Mere has announced an EOD schedule for her story, in a show of solidarity you should do the same. What a pleasant surprise to see that you are actually thinking of doing just that! Yes. Definitely EOD...

- Vicki

Okay, I've felt sense slowly receding from me over the past couple hours, and have noticed a marked increase in the number of typos I've had to correct along the way. So, I think I'm going to have to keep this one brief. Unlike the story part, which was intimidatingly long, at least for me. Not that I wasn't happy to read it, but I was thinking, even before I saw you were considering a new schedule, that it would be nice to see smaller parts more frequently. Less time to wait between each part, less worrying about having to read so much in one go. Of course, I'll probably be lynched for saying that, and I'm probably only saying it because I'm so tired these days that I fade in and out of being clear enough to read, which means that larger parts are more difficult to deal with, except that that really wasn't a problem with the surrealist fic because I could just fade in and out with the story and nothing was making much sense anyway. <deep breath>

Speaking of breathing, the ellipses (is that the correct plural?) worked for me. I like them. Keep them.

Have to admit that I didn't get the bit about Norman, either, until Wendy explained on IRC. The movie is a classic, and they did a remake last year, but I've never seen either, and I know the name Bates a lot better than the name Norman. Not sure if that's a problem for anyone else.

Love Clark's thoughts about Lois's weirdness magnet status.

As for the situation itself... Stopping by the woods on a snowy evening... to get shot at, chased by mysterious people with machine guns, and run until frozen half to death. LOL, only Lois and Clark...

I do find it odd that Clark can't tell an AK-47 from a P-90 just by listening. On the one hand, he doesn't have his full hearing and he's got a lot of things on his mind. OTOH, there is (IIRC) a fairly large difference in rates of fire between those guns, not to mention the other differences in volume and tone caused by things like the P-90's considerably smaller muzzle length. Superman has probably dealt with both enough times. Of course, there's a chance he was just listing random machine guns in his head, not really caring what they were. That would make sense.

What made slightly less sense was that he was still bleeding. The whole powers fading in and out thing kind of confuses me, but generally, when he gets his invulnerability back, his wounds close up. We know he got it back for at least a little while. Why is he still bleeding?

Well, in any case, Lois isn't going to be putting CK=SM together anytime soon.

Glad that he managed to cover part of their trail. Not sure how much of it he managed to get, though. I have a feeling it won't take too long for those guys to find where it picks up again. Unless, of course, it continues to snow and that freezes over their tracks. Or something like that. One can hope.

So, uhm, anyway... I forget what else I was going to say. Cool part. Nice plot development. Good to know a little more. Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to make a pun with that "cool." Just realized it was more apt than originally intended. I'm going to leave it, though. Because I feel like it.

Where was I? Oh, right. Waiting impatiently to find out what's in that cabin, where the bad guys are, who the bad guys are, and what L&C will end up doing stranded, in the middle of nowhere, locked inside a small frozen cabin in the snowy woods, with maybe a cozy little fireplace, and... wait a sec. There's no nfic version of this fic. Oh well. So much for that theory.

Well, whatever. I want to see more! In smaller pieces. More smaller pieces. Preferably soon. Got it?

Paul

Okay- first I was clutching the mouse furiously thinking... Who the heck is shooting at them?!

Then this was awesome:
I loved the way you brought that dynamic in... such talent you have, Rat.

Cursed snow! Zut Alors! It only adds to the stress of the situation. It slowed the assassins down, but anyone willing to spray that much ammunition at trees will be back. Cursed powers! They came back long enough to stop bullets aimed at his back but didn't heal the hole in his arm?!

Personally, I think the ellipses helped to show the breathlessness. I think that if it were overdone, it could be annoying, but that was not the case. As was said by others, they helped me *feel* the struggle they were going through.

While I'm all for bonding and hugging and all... does anyone else feel the need to get out of the snow? And then, just when I was pondering a false advertisement suit because we had yet to see the cabin that was in the trailer--> they found it. Whew! Well, er, maybe whew... depends on who the neighbors actually are!

Are ants more inclined to do the congo or the jitterbug?

~sunkist

LabRat

I've just read the last two parts.
They're superb.
Great suspense! I can't wait to see what happens next.

Tricia

Labrat,

I was just now reading Paul's comments, and suddenly the light went on, "Oh, Norman Bates! Now I get it!" (Thank you, Paul!)

Norman didn't mean a thing to me, either. I'm sure I would have gotten it if you'd called him Bates. Just my 2 cents.

- Vicki

Okay, first off, I have to say that this is just stunningly brilliant. I'm wildly jealous of your ability to paint a scene so vividly, Rat. You use words like paint brushes, each one adding another stroke to the overall picture, each one as important as the other. It seems so simple when it reads as well as this, but as a writer, I know just how hard it is to achieve.

Now, you asked about the ellipses. Personally, I have no problem with them, generally speaking. CC, for example, uses them particularly effectively, I think, when she includes them in her dialogue or in the thoughts of her characters. However, what I will say is that to me, as a reader, they generally convey a 'thinking' pause in speech, where the character may have said something, then decided it needs revising slightly, or contradicting completely. They can also give a sense that the character is struggling to find the correct words to express him or herself. You do that yourself: "Clark..." Her voice wavered, fading into shock before recovering. But it shook as she continued. "...you...did you get...did they - ?"

In your story, I have to say that the ellipses didn't quite work for me. I didn't get the sense of breathlessness that I see you were trying to convey. Maybe it's because they weren't always being used to convey they same thing - in the example above, Lois is stumbling over her words because of shock, and elsewhere, you're using them to illustrate the breathlessness. Dunno. Anyway, I wonder whether broken sentences may have worked better. I even wonder whether commas would work. Hmm.

"Can't do much, for it, here," he told her firmly. "Like your ankle. Shelter first. It is okay. Really," he assured her. "Doesn't, hurt. Much. Besides, you can walk on that, ankle, I can walk on, this arm."

No, that looks awful, doesn't it? Ick.

"Can't do much. For it. Here," he told her firmly. "Like your ankle. Shelter first. It is okay. Really," he assured her. "Doesn't. Hurt. Much. Besides, you can walk on that. Ankle. I can walk on. This arm."

Maybe that's too jerky? Or totally incomprehensible? It's difficult to tell when I'm typing this into the Message box, so I'll post it and let people make up their own minds.

Yvonne

Comment on the ellipses. They work and they convey the sense of on-the-edge barely-functioning people dealing with a really tough situation. If you don't like them, you might use " - ", like this:
"Clark, you're - hurt! Be careful - with that!"
But I know of no convention or rule that says you have to use either one. And the dialogue is good as it stands.

About Clark's arm wound. If it was a burn or a furrow, it wouldn't have bled as much as a puncture with an exit wound, so it's okay if the wound closes up and the blood just stains his sleeve. Or, you could keep the intermittent powers on-off thing going and let him get a black eye or a sprained ankle that also doesn't go away when his powers kick in again. Not at all incidentally, that's a great device. Wish I'd thought of it.

I think the story's excellent. The tension is palpable and the friendly conflict between Lois and Clark is fully believable. Keep up the great work!

Brr, Rat! I got halfway through this section and had to get a blanket before reading the rest of it! You always wow me with your description, and you have this awesome ablility to make the reader feel exactly what the characters are. I had my heart in my throat the whole time as I was reading! Though I love the action, let's hope, for both Lois and Clark's sake, that things slow down a little!

I'm definitely interested to see what the cabin holds for them. Can't wait for the next part!

Tracey

Lab, the ellipses are great for effect. I say keep 'em. You have always blown me away, and this is no exception. LOL but at the same time you are killing me with suspense!!! Please keep it coming!

Well, Labby, now that I'm home and the boards are back up <huge sigh of relief>, I will say: this is fantabulous! I'm having to make up words because "wonderful" and "wow" and "more soon!" are words I use so often, I felt you needed something less common for this fantastic, fabulous piece of work. (Oh, wait, "more soon!" is actually a keeper.) Fantabulous! More soon!!

This was gripping. The HUGE wrenching, heart-stopping, breath-suspending moment for me was the whole escape to the woods section: The desperation of Clark, the confusion of the newly awakened Lois and her instinctive, ingrained balking. The recognition by Clark that he is probably hurting her with his grip. The desperate realization that he can't just face them down, he may not be invulnerable. The horror that Lois has turned back for him, and that they won't make the woods. The desperation in his grabbing Lois and forcing her tight against his chest, knowing he may die protecting her, and hoping that she can still get away. The gaspingly-regained breath as I read that his powers were back long enough to withstand those bullets!

Now, as to the elipses and the points Paul makes: The elipses worked for me, too. I see Yvonne's point, but since I use elipses all the time, I had no problem separating the thinking pauses or grasping-for-words pauses from the breathless ones. I talk that way when I'm short of breath. Yvonne's suggestions, especially the comma version, also worked for me. So-- who was the wise FDK'er who said, "it's your story..." -- you acheived the effect you were looking for. Hey, maybe those --'s are the way to do it <g>:

Can't-- do much for-- it, here," he told her firmly. "Like your-- ankle. Shelter first. It is okay. Really," he assured her. "Doesn't-- hurt. Much. Besides, you can-- walk on that-- ankle-- I can walk-- on this arm."


How's that?

As for the length (sorry, Paul!)? Long is good, but short is also good-- if you post every, say, 12 hours <g>. Anyway, as long as you keep them parts a-comin' I can deal with short parts. I guess. Maybe. Or maybe not. Oh, heck with it. Keep 'em long!

I think Paul's got the right idea at the end of his thoughts on the guns-- random listing of guns here, it's just not that important to Clark at the moment. Getting away, staying warm, getting his powers back, are his big focus.

And I think you can get away with the bleeding thing because the whole premise of intermittent powers is new to fanfic, so you have some leeway with it. It's not too big a stretch, really, for me to think that in those [very brief, remember] bits of returned powers, and no sunlight, there is only very brief healing of the wound-- and that he could tear it open again upon exertion. They are struggling through deep snow, are stumbling because their feet are numb, and no woods is a clear path-- there's lots of shrubbery to grab and and pull out of the way, using one's arm muscles. Not tear the wound open as badly, but enough to cause an ongoing sluggish bleeding. I read this section as the brief periods of invulnerability not being able to keep up with the stress of the harsh conditions-- so his extremities get progressively number (and he realizes it's worse for Lois), his wound tears open... If they were escaping through harsh physical conditions such as dense undergrowth and cold only, during the daytime with sun shining, I don't think this situation would work as well... but here, in the night, you pulled it off ok for me.

Now, as to the cabin-- are those ants just the screaming heebie-jeebies a normal stressed out and desperate partial superhero (sorry! <g>) would experience, or are you trying to tell us something? There better not be anybody in that cabin! A few... rats?... would be ok, I guess, but if there's people in there, especially Norman, I'm gonna find out from Wendy or CC or Yvonne (or all three) where you live, Labby, and... wait, is that too strongly worded? Er, just carry on, then, and I'll (sigh) just cope with whatever you throw at us, the gentle readers.

Oh, and Norman worked ok for me, even though I could never watch such a creepy movie. I'd leave it Norman, or how about this:

One of them no doubt named Norman, he thought morosely.

Bates hotel?? Okay, now he was getting ridiculous.


Sorry this is so long, but that's what you get when you crash the boards... no, wait, or was that someone else <g>?

And Mere, if you're here, since I'm in a chatty mood and wide awake-- how about some more R&R?? So I can comment? Please? The boards crashing is just not a valid excuse for not posting <bg>!!

~Toc

Amen to that, Toc! And despite vicious and unprovoked rumours to the contrary , it wasn't me!

It was Mere. <g>

I'm just glad I didn't lose any of these wonderful comments in between times! Thank you all so much for your thoughts, suggestions and inducing compliments. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sure I've forgotten someone here or something I meant to respond to – so forgive me if I have. I treasured each and every comment, believe me.

I was a little surprised this one eluded some of you. Not just because it's a classic but because for a certain generation it embedded itself deeply into the psyche. Who could go for a shower ever after without thinking of poor Janet Leigh? But then I realised this was probably just one more sign that I'm getting old. (There have been a lot of those lately.) Really, there's no reason why the 'younger generation' should pick up this reference at all. The impact of Psycho has certainly faded in the last decade or so. Maybe if I'd used Jason instead, it would have been clearer. Which is rather a depressing thought actually <g>. Given that Jason is the 'hero' of some cheap slasher flicks which couldn't hope to match the sheer manipulative brilliance of Hitchock's movie. I've done some minor tweaking to the line, which should tie it down. Thanks for the catch and thanks for the suggestions on how to tweak it too.

You're asking someone who doesn't understand the concept of vulnerability to start with? I'm still trying to work out how you can't feel the touch of bullets striking your skin, but can feel your wife stroking your skin. (Maybe it's partly subconsciously controlled? Certainly, as it turned out, the subconscious seemed to have a great deal to do with it in this story. If he focuses hard enough, or the need/danger is great enough, he does seem to be able to spark them back into life, even if only temporarily and not entirely at full strength).

Anyway, I long ago lost the will to live trying to pin it all down to something logical. Maybe the invulnerability is only working on certain parts of his body and not on others. No, not really. He has stopped bleeding though. So I'm assuming his powers kicked in long enough to half heal the wound, but not long enough to do the job entirely. Maybe. On the show, I realise that on at least one occasion once his powers kicked in it only took seconds for his wound to close and vanish, but OTOH there was never any consistency as to how K affected Clark, so I think the only thing we can assume as to how his powers will react – or not - at any given time is assume nothing. <G> Or expect the unexpected, as Gerry Anderson used to say.

Or, in conclusion – what Terry and Toc said. <g>

Many thanks for the input on the ellipses. Ellipsis. Dang. I have a real mental block on which of those is the plural and can never be bothered to look it up and find out. <g> Anyway, I was sure that the answers to my question would be a resounding 100% 'hate 'em', so rather nice to see that so many of you weren't bothered by them. Thanks for the thoughtful response, Yvonne. The commas don't work for me at all, either. And the truncated sentences – I hated the ones I used even more than the ellipses, so I think I agree with you on those. Dashes, however, had suddenly occurred to me just a couple of hours before Terry suggested them and now that I've seen them in situ (thanks Toc!) I'm drawn to them much more than the ellipses. So I think I'll probably change to dashes. Thanks, everyone for the help.

So thank you all again – I'm delighted you've having so much fun with this one. I laughed a lot at all your reactions to the cold, especially. <g> And when I wasn't laughing I was a lot at your very kind comments.

And finally:

ROTFL, Toc

Your wish, Sunkist and Tracey... <g> Good news, guys – you can turn your ACs back on and ditch those blankets!

LabRat

Actually, I saw Psycho over 30 years ago, and I *still* jump in the shower at the slightest sound. But I did not get the reference to Norman.

I had honestly forgotten that Anthony Perkins' character's first name was Norman. The only way I would have remembered his first name would have been by trying out various options against his last name (which who can forget?) - Bates. "Hmm... Henry Bates? Peter Bates? Norman Bates! That's it!"

- Vicki

PS - maybe the problem is not that I'm too young, but just the opposite!

I get it, Rat - you break the MBs when it's time to post my story part, then bring them back up again to post yours. Thank heavens you decided to leave them up so you could get FDK...

Ok, part 3... wonderful! I was on the edge of my seat for about 2/3 of the segment. I think that may be why this part seemed so much longer - I wasn't breathing for most of it! :p

As others have said, the writing was amazing. I could really feel everything Clark was feeling, and his emotional roller-coaster was awesome. The part where he thought he was going to get killed protecting Lois... And I was cheering when he managed to cover their trail - though I agree, it's going to take more than that to keep the baddies from picking it up again. Maybe a good, solid snowfall overnight - once they're safely under that roof!!!!

About the superpowers - his strength came back earlier only *just* enough to let him heave the tree out of the road, so I have no problem with his invulnerability coming back just enough to bounce the bullets but not enough to heal his arm. It didn't even occur to me to wonder in the story context.

Then the Norman reference - I got that straight off in spite of never having seen the movie. I certainly wouldn't have got a reference to "Jason"!

And finally, the ellipses. I was aware that there were an awful lot of them, but it didn't annoy me; however, I was consciously aware of the device rather than just registering their breathlessness. I have to say, though, that I have a special dislike for too many ellipses, as a result of trying to read Barbara Cartland novels in my youth (her heroines couldn't string two words together without ellipses, it seems) so the fact that they *didn't* irritate me is a testament to your writing.

Modern writing theory says ellipses are used for when the words (or thoughts) tail off, dashes for when they're interrupted. Seems to me either would work for breathlessness - the words tail off because they're interrupted by a breath. I didn't feel, like Yvonne, that they were pauses for the wrong reasons - a pause is a pause, and it's up to the writer to make it clear why the pause is there.

I'll read part 4 later... I think I'm going to follow your example, Rat, and have a bath first.

Mere

Edited to add thoughts that occurred to me while I was in the bath...

You know, I've been getting flak for the S1 Lois behaviour over in R&R, but this is the part of S1 Lois that I actively hate - the fact that she doesn't just twist past events to suit her purposes, she actually revises them. And yet, here as in (I think it was) Burnout, somehow you manage to make this trait of hers almost acceptable... one can even believe that Clark might find it endearing!

Wowzers! I'm cold and out of breath!

The style of writing you used to illustrate LnC's cold adventure did not bother me at all. I found myself...hmm..sounds odd, but I felt I was out of breath or found myself to be taking small breaths that did't do my brain so well. I was so wrapped into it. Breath girl! Man that was embrassing.

Do you know - hopefully anyone - when you have a dream and you are trying to get somewhere or you are runnning away from someone, but no matter what you do, you cannot go fast? I felt like that when they were trying to get away from the gun totting men. That was very very frightening. I was really nervous, but I figured no one was going to get killed....right? (to me that looks like a frown or somebody not sure about something)

I'm afraid of what they'll find in the cabin. Lucky for me though, I don't have to wait - the next part is up!

Thanks for the good readin'.

Until next time,
from the happy reader.

Ooooops. No idea how I missed this had been added to. Sorry, guys! Thanks for the additional comments.

LOL, Vicki.

Mere:

Darn. My cunning plan revealed.

And OMG - Barbara Cartland novels. Weren't they just appalling? I tried out a couple during my teenage romance novel period and have never figured out yet why they sold so well. All those desperately breathy heroines who couldn't be in the same room with a guy and string a coherent sentence together. <shudder>

Thank you! I always did think Clark found that endearing, yes. Heaven knows why. <g>

Roo: Thank you for the best compliment any author can have. And, nope, you're safe. No characters were killed in the making of this story.

Well...not any you'd care about anyway.


LabRat