Oooooooooh. Intriguing. I especially like the POV you used, and the use of sound to establish such unbreaking tension. And, I loved how you explained Clark's reasoning for taking back his declaration of love. It seems a lot lot LOT less lunkheaded given just this little extra snippet of his life you've given us.
I also gather from your opening notes that you're looking for specific comments about the style you chose, so let me see. I didn't read your opening notes until I had read the story once, so take these comments with that in mind.
1. Your choice of POV made things very personal and very real for the reader. You can feel and understand exactly what Clark is going through. It's also easy to empathize with *Lois* through Clark's description of her and thoughts about her. First person is very unusual for fanfics, so this story stuck out a lot, and you wrote it quite artfully.
2. Delaying the use of names really ramped up the tension. It gives you a sure, but not 100% sure sense of who is being discussed. And I'm happy that you didn't rely on some strange twist to go against expectation.
3. Description - lovely. You combine 'telling' with a lot of 'showing' so that we're not overloaded on either. For instance here:
She was nervous.
She shifted on her feet and slung her bag over her shoulder. The rasping of material echoed in my ears around the silence that suddenly surrounded us.
~thmpthmpthmpthmpthmp~
Great passage. You tell us simple things, and then you go into paragraphs of detail to explain how those observations were made.
4. Sound. Exceptional way to tighten things up. A lot of authors like to overlook senses other than sight. Smell, touch, taste, and sound are all equally important. You actually might want to consider finding ways to describe the former three as well as you do the last one, especially since you chose such a personal POV. All we get is what Clark senses. So make use of all five. Even despite this, however, you do very well at giving us a world, not just an image.
5. You used a lot of inferrence here. I had to grab at what I knew of the series to understand exactly what was going on. I LOVE it when I'm not told precisely what happened. In this case, the puzzle pieces fit together well, and I figured out that this was Clark after the cage experience in HOL, hurt, and worrying over Lois, who has just found out the truth about Lex. Letting the readers figure things out on their own, provided that the clues aren't too obtuse, is a great, engaging way to write things. And you've done this.
6. Repetition. Very good for emphasis. In some cases it worked beautifully. Like here:
‘Please.’ I smiled. ‘Please don’t leave.’
‘Please talk to me.’
‘Please trust me.’
~thmpthmpthmpth-thmp~
Her heart was racing.
‘Please.’
Simple and poignant.
Here, it didn't quite work:
I watched her storm down the street until her figure blurred and faded.
Until she wasn’t there. Until she blurred into nothing.
Nothing more than an echo in my life.
I think because it's a lot less of the 'drumbeat' repetition, if you get my meaning. You could probably condense this so she only blurs once, and then repeat the nothing twice to associate it with your echo theme.
Overall, a wonderful piece.
Please write more, David. This was a great little vignette. Maybe you could try a long sequel to it. *nudge*
