Oooooooooh. Intriguing. I especially like the POV you used, and the use of sound to establish such unbreaking tension. And, I loved how you explained Clark's reasoning for taking back his declaration of love. It seems a lot lot LOT less lunkheaded given just this little extra snippet of his life you've given us.

I also gather from your opening notes that you're looking for specific comments about the style you chose, so let me see. I didn't read your opening notes until I had read the story once, so take these comments with that in mind.

1. Your choice of POV made things very personal and very real for the reader. You can feel and understand exactly what Clark is going through. It's also easy to empathize with *Lois* through Clark's description of her and thoughts about her. First person is very unusual for fanfics, so this story stuck out a lot, and you wrote it quite artfully.

2. Delaying the use of names really ramped up the tension. It gives you a sure, but not 100% sure sense of who is being discussed. And I'm happy that you didn't rely on some strange twist to go against expectation.

3. Description - lovely. You combine 'telling' with a lot of 'showing' so that we're not overloaded on either. For instance here:

Great passage. You tell us simple things, and then you go into paragraphs of detail to explain how those observations were made.

4. Sound. Exceptional way to tighten things up. A lot of authors like to overlook senses other than sight. Smell, touch, taste, and sound are all equally important. You actually might want to consider finding ways to describe the former three as well as you do the last one, especially since you chose such a personal POV. All we get is what Clark senses. So make use of all five. Even despite this, however, you do very well at giving us a world, not just an image.

5. You used a lot of inferrence here. I had to grab at what I knew of the series to understand exactly what was going on. I LOVE it when I'm not told precisely what happened. In this case, the puzzle pieces fit together well, and I figured out that this was Clark after the cage experience in HOL, hurt, and worrying over Lois, who has just found out the truth about Lex. Letting the readers figure things out on their own, provided that the clues aren't too obtuse, is a great, engaging way to write things. And you've done this.

6. Repetition. Very good for emphasis. In some cases it worked beautifully. Like here:

Simple and poignant.


Here, it didn't quite work:

I think because it's a lot less of the 'drumbeat' repetition, if you get my meaning. You could probably condense this so she only blurs once, and then repeat the nothing twice to associate it with your echo theme.

Overall, a wonderful piece.

Please write more, David. This was a great little vignette. Maybe you could try a long sequel to it. *nudge*

That was wonderful! You really bring the reader inside Clark's world. Very lovely.

See ya,
AnnaBtG. (waiting eagerly for David to become a writer, so that she sees such gems from him more often!)

Nice, for all the reasons Diane stated... kinda sad, but well-done. Although the idea of Lois pacing on Clark's porch day after day was kinda funny, too <g> You did a good job showing how his hopes have gotten dimmer and dimmer with every day that she just leaves.

But then she just leaves...

A long sequel might be good, although it's hard to keep up the first-person POV over longer stretches of story, in my experience.

Anyway, good work, and you definitely *are* a writer.

PJ

You know I Love this story, D! And yes you are very much a writer. Hate to burst your bubble. Keep up the good work

Rach

Oh, wow! David, I am so envious! This is a wonderful little piece - so poignant, so full of what-might-have-been. It almost brought a lump to my throat. Just beautiful, and sad, and vivid and everything else I can think of. )

Okay, so here is a bit of gut-reaction, not well thought out, feedback.

This is great.

I love the way you get inside Clark's head. Without banging us over the head with it, we know that Clark is still recovering from being in the cage. We know that he's waiting for Lois to make the first move, though whether that is because he's too proud / angry / upset to do it for himself, or whether he is giving her time and space is not clear to me. Quite honestly, I expect it is a bit of everything. Maybe Clark doesn't know, himself.

I love the details you give about what Clark can hear. I love that Lois wasn't wearing the boots he thought she would be; Clark can make mistakes. He's obviously still healing. I love hearing her heart thump.

This is poignant. And it makes perfect sense of what comes next -- Clark's retraction.

Yep, this is great.

Chris

I want to say something, but words are just flying out of my head left and right. David, this was fantastic. Sequel, maybe?

Jen

Hi,

Interesting.

MAF

Dave!!!!!!!!!! You posted it!!!!!!!!!! ]

Dang! People got to say poignant before me. <g>

And it was! And having read Chris's fdk, I'd agree and add that it was nicely subtle too. Really loved this, David. The experimentation certainly worked for me. There was a rhythm to the narrative - accentuated by the way you depicted the ball being bounced (and great prop there for his mood and of time passing - excellently worked in) that flowed very naturally and easily.

The sparseness of the text really worked beautifully within the context, too.

Oh, yes, thought the title was perfect.

Write more. Post more. You can use any style you like.

LabRat

Loved it, David. Lots of mood and atmosphere conveyed, without once resorting to just telling us how he felt.

Yvonne

I love it, David!
I like the original style!

simona

I love it


Karla

Hehe. That was great. I'm hyper at the moment and it actually made me sad.

I liked the POV (he I know one of those snazzy 'acks').

Uh, wow.

This was a wonderful thing to wake up to this morning, thank you all for the fdk

And thank you for pointing out the blurred part. The repition was unintentional in that part, maybe done out of habbit from the earlier parts
It was bothering me but I couldn't pin down why. I've edited it now, so thank you

I'm glad everyone seemed to like it, I was a little nervous about some parts, which nobody seemed to pick up on (phew ).

David (who wonders if we're running so low on new authors this year Wendy's that desperate :p )

Oh WOW!!! This was fantastic, David! Really, really nicely done, extremely atmospheric, and I could feel Clark's hope and despair throughout. Wow!

Kaethel

Well done and ditto to what they all said. I agree with Wendy I would like to see a companion to this with Lois's point of view. Laura

David

WOW! I look forward to your next one.

Tricia

Very nice!

~Liz

ROTFL! Welcome to the world of posting fanfic on the mbs, David! You and most every other author posting a story, I suspect.

LabRat (who's felt that 'phew' moment quite a lot herself )

What a delightful piece.

I enjoyed it very much. Generally, I'm put off by first person narratives, but this one didn't turn me off. First, it was about a specific moment, rather than a long-winded introspective. Second, the use of sound (as many others have said) and the short, descriptive paragraphs heightened the sense that we were only looking at a moment.

I know others have been clamouring for a sequel and perhaps you're planning to write one, but I'd like to suggest that you turn your talents to a new fanfic of whaterver type you want to experiment with. Does it really matter what Lois thinks at this point? Does it really matter what happens afterwards?

Sometimes, the moment is all that's important.

That's my humble opinion.

But, whatever you do, keep writing, David. You're approach is fresh and delicious.

gerry

Everyone already said what I wanted to say but I might have to repeat everything here. That was so sad, poignant and extremely well written and I felt like crying while reading it

Cheers,
Raquel

You can claim what you like... but if you're not a writer then I must be on the wrong planet.

This was good, really good.

Thank you!

Helga

I thought I should come back and say a big thank you to everyone who has left comments since my last big thank you. So, thank you!

Helga: We're obviously on different planets - you're on Venus and I'm on Mars :p

I have no plans to do a sequel to this, like Gerry pointed out this was about the moment. (And I'm sticking to that defence .)
I'd be happy to explain why I thought Lois would be nervous, if anyone really wants to know, but I don't think it's all that important. Or mysterious.

I've been bribed into writing another, longer HoL story (25 pages, 25 pages! ) and I've got a deadline on it. So a sequel (if I ever decided to write one) would have to wait a few stories, and since I'm *not* a writer, here, on my planet Mars, that may take forever!

[What would you call a sequel to a story named 'Echo'... 'Silence'? ]

David (P.S. Thank you!)

You could call it "Echoooooooooo".

The title to a sequel of 'Echo' would, naturally, be 'Feedback.' What other choice would you have?

It's nice to see another male participating on these boards. There are so few of us.

Nice fic all around. I've never had a problem with first person stories but find they can be a bit harder to do.

Looking forward to your next fic. Keep the flame alive.

Tank (who wonders what happened to the other 'guys' out there... David shouldn't have to carry the load alone)

Whee! I'm *finally* catching up... even though I'm nowhere close. *sigh* Anyhoo... seeing as I've heard everyone rave about this story, not to mention I've read the first bit and have now clue what happens or who David decided to have behind the door... (/me sneaks a quick peek even though she hates reading ahead... *whew* Can you believe he was debating on putting Lana or Mayson in there just to be evil?! Honestly... I think he's spending a little too much time with... er... Sorcha. And Kae. ) he loves her that he'd know the sound *one* pair of her shoes makes.

You see how you are, David. This is why you're having trouble with those 25 pages, you just do it so much better when you're succinct.

AWWWW!!! Poor guy!!! I can just see him doing that. And I can feel his emotions, too! (Does this mean I'm way too into this? Too emotional lately? )

Nice!!!! (<-- See, I can be succinct too. )

ACK!!! *snuffle* You kill me, David, you really do. I saw mention of a sequel when I peeked at the feedback folder... tell me there's going to be one?

Sara (who gets to tick one more thing off her to do list now )

Aww, rats! I forgot to say how totally brilliant it was of you to write a story with such a huge emphasis on sound. Inspired, really, especially as it's something so important to Clark. Even more so when he's just starting to get his powers back! Excellently excuted in that respect!!

Sara

Once again, thanks for the fdk!

I've had this open for twenty minutes and I'm still not sure what to say, so I'm going to stick with the tried and true: thanks

"Echoooooooooo" - why can I almost hear you saying that?

Carrying the load? Happy to for now. But we're in a world of trouble if I'm the only representative.

And Sara...

Yes. Right. Because it's not like *you* voted for Lana or anything. :p

Don't forget to polish your halo.

David (Sending a special thank you to his most wonderful of BRs )