What a delightful piece.
I enjoyed it very much. Generally, I'm put off by first person narratives, but this one didn't turn me off. First, it was about a specific moment, rather than a long-winded introspective. Second, the use of sound (as many others have said) and the short, descriptive paragraphs heightened the sense that we were only looking at a moment.
I know others have been clamouring for a sequel and perhaps you're planning to write one, but I'd like to suggest that you turn your talents to a new fanfic of whaterver type you want to experiment with. Does it really matter what Lois thinks at this point? Does it really matter what happens afterwards?
Sometimes, the moment is all that's important.
That's my humble opinion.
But, whatever you do, keep writing, David. You're approach is fresh and delicious.
gerry
