First, sorry for not getting around to giving you much feedback for the last chapter. It was great.
Second, might I suggest that you add a little blurb from the previous chapter when you post new ones?
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“You okay? Your blood pressure is up.
How could she tell? Was his face red? Was his heart rate up? I don't think she could actually "see" high blood pressure.
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Loved the origami thing. That always goes over great with kids.
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She’s already got you wrapped around her little finger
Oh, yeah, she does!
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Just like his sister… Well of course! He should have seen it before. That’s all that was between him and Clara. She reminded him of Lucy.
Yeah, right, Lou.
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Some deeply buried caveman part of Louis made sounds like a contented grizzly bear. Woman pretty. Woman clean cave. Woman cook good. Good woman. Keep woman.
LOL
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If he had come home earlier, would he have caught them wearing pillow cases on their heads and humming ‘Here comes the bride’?
Hah! They aren't teeny boppers anymore, Louis.
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years of practically raising his sister had taught him not to comment on the amount of sweets a woman consumed.
Yep, you're right.
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Clara landed and crashed through the door of the storage building
She's giving the secret away already? Hmm... Wait and see...
The two thugs jumped at the sound of the doors flying open
Oh, I see. She didn't literally crash through the door.
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“Who do you think you are, She-Ra?!
Love it.
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And it doesn’t justify her taking your story.
Nothing justifies someone taking another's work. Last year, I had a co-worker (someone I was supervisor over) claim my work/idea for his in front of a lot of other people. I was seething. I guess he thought I wouldn't say anything. I did, but when something like that happens, people often don't believe you.
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I like the subtle change in the explosion scene.
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Tucking the newspaper into his briefcase so that he could clip the front page article later, he sat down to check his voicemail. He had three messages from Lex Luthor’s personal assistant.
They were all for Clara.
Ah-oh!
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It wasn’t underhanded. Not at all. He and Clara had already agreed that she’d help him get the interview, and in return he’d credit her when he wrote the piece up. It was totally ethical. It was fine.
You just keep telling yourself that, Louis. Maybe you'll even believe it then.
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I've always wondered what Lois thought she was going to do if she actually made it to the space station. How did she think she was going to get back to Earth? I like that you addressed this.
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“I don’t know about this costume idea, Clara,”
Looking at this in the context of a daddy concerning his baby girl, I'm surprised Jonathan wasn't aghast.
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And you could land on one toe…
Awesome idea. At first, I was going... "Toe shoes"? Really? But then you said this. Wow.
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I was expecting something about Martha saying they wouldn't be looking at her face...
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How interesting that you chose a name so close to Lois' middle name - Joanne. It would be a hoot if you give Louis the middle name of Joseph.
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A good second name and alternate to the "Man of Steel."
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Valkyrie. That’s who she would be when she donned the Suit. Helpful, but distant. Kind, but unknowable. Openly not human.
Good! I like it.
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Louis guarded that paper crane with his life. Wild horses could not have dragged him away. He clutched it to his chest, glancing at it every few seconds to see that it was still there.
Awww.... Softy.
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Someone once pointed out to me that I should put the end or some such at the end of a story, and I think it's a good idea.
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I doubt Jimmy weighed more than 125 lbs.
Pris was probably thinking of the 2nd Jimmy. As the 2nd is my favorite, I was imagining him in this story until I had to tell myself he wasn't around yet.
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And there are some really awesome-looking demi-pointe ballet slippers that if she holds her feet like she WAS on pointe would negate the need
This might make more sense as pointe shoes would be hard to walk in in a regular manner and she will need to walk (and not en pointe) at times. And ballet dancers get strong enough that they can briefly stand en pointe without wearing the shoes at all.
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'Alright' v. "All right' - I've been told that before, but my personal preference is for 'alright.'
I've always been told this, too, and GE's are supposed to change this when stories are sent to the archive, but the feelings on this are changing and alright is starting to be recognized as okay.
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When you are posting response to feedback, I think it would be better if you put it all in one post rather than breaking it up. And if you can't because you have to take a break or whatever, you could say that you'll post more later. It just seems to rattle me that the responses are all separate. Most boards usually won't allow you to make "double" posts. I don't think that's particularly the rule here (It should be, I think.), but I do think it would look better if they weren't separated.
