Okay, Nancy, I promised you words and here they are.
First, I should confess that I've skimmed over some parts of the story so I only have a sketchy idea of what's happening with Clark's children. I'm a self-confessed Clark-o-file, so he's always my main point of interest in any story I read. That said, I can see that you're weaving a complicated and compelling tale of second-generation Kryptonian/human kids learning how to be who they are while still trying to fit into normal everyday life. I think you've captured the children's attitudes and dialogue very well, particularly the teenagers.
Overall, leaving aside a fun discussion we could have on (mostly minor) points of characterisation, you've got a great story to tell and I wish you well with that.
What I wanted to raise with you was the issue of narrative and bringing the story alive for your reader. You see, sometimes when I'm reading your story, I get a very good sense of the scene you're painting and the emotions of the characters involved, but at other times, I feel like I'm reading lines from a play without even the benefit of stage directions to give me those all-important clues as to how the characters are feeling and what the scene should look like in my head as I'm reading.
Now, before I go any further, I want you to know that I'm merely attempting a bit of friendly feedback that's constructive as well as complimentary. If I offend by doing so, then I apologise and I'll step quietly away.
Okay. /me takes a deep breath.
Clearly, you're quite capable of doing the scene-painting thing:
"What?!" Clark put his hands in front of him in a, 'Oh, come on' manner. Bill continued. "It's not my place. I mean..."
And then, a couple of paras later:
Bill watched Clark a moment then rested his chin on his fist. "Okay, if I'm right, then are you going to answer all my questions?"
But then we get 17 exchanges of conversation between Henderson and Clark with no clue as to how either of them are behaving. At a pretty significant moment in Clark's life - when Clark tells Henderson who he is - we get no reaction at all from either Henderson or Clark:
"Okay. You *are* Superman, aren't you? I mean, I don't know how you've sometimes been in the same place at the same time. I mean Superman and Clark Kent, but heck you are an alien. What do I know? Maybe you can split yourself in half."
"Yes, Bill, I'm Superman. I suspect you have known that for a long time. A couple or so times when another of me has been seen, the other one was from another dimension. Once it was a hologram. And no, I can't split myself in two, but I have been known to deconstruct myself down to the molecular level so I can go through things...
Now, this little exchange could be interpretated in two different ways, depending on how Clark and Henderson react. We can do this:
"Okay. You *are* Superman, aren't you?" Henderson stabbed his finger at Clark accusingly. "I mean, I don't know how you've sometimes been in the same place at the same time. I mean Superman and Clark Kent, but heck you are an alien. What do I know?" He shrugged and tugged down the corners of his mouth. "Maybe you can split yourself in half."
Clark grimaced. "Yes, Bill, I'm Superman." He sighed heavily. "I suspect you have known that for a long time. A couple or so times when another of me has been seen, the other one was from another dimension. Once it was a hologram. And no, I can't split myself in two, but I have been known to deconstruct myself down to the molecular level so I can go through things...
Or we can do this:
"Okay. You *are* Superman, aren't you?" Henderson spoke hesitantly. "I mean, I don't know how you've sometimes been in the same place at the same time. I mean Superman and Clark Kent, but heck you are an alien. What do I know?" He smiled ruefully. "Maybe you can split yourself in half."
Clark chuckled. "Yes, Bill, I'm Superman." He grinned broadly. "I suspect you have known that for a long time. A couple or so times when another of me has been seen, the other one was from another dimension. Once it was a hologram. And no, I can't split myself in two, but I have been known to deconstruct myself down to the molecular level so I can go through things...
See? Hopefully my writing skills are up to illustrating the difference.
So much depends on those little narrative clues to tell us what our characters are really thinking as they speak their lines.
Here's another thing:
Clark immediately and involuntarily doubled over. The blow sent sent him into the pool, and he landed hard. He watched in horror
I imagine that blow hurt Clark a lot, but we get no sense of this. Maybe he was too concerned about Caitlyn to notice the pain? Either way, we'd get a more vivid experience of the action if we knew.
We also don't get any sense of how the children feel about their father and his girlfriend having just been beaten up and, in the case of their father, possibly being fairly ill and in pain as a result. Surely they're worried?
Clark spoke to Caitlyn. "Are you okay?"
Are they lying down? Sitting up? In the case of Clark, clutching his stomach, or braving it out with only the occasional wince? Is Caitlyn tending to her own injuries, or fussing over Clark? Are they on the edge of the pool on hard concrete or on slightly more forgiving grass? Are they sopping wet and dripping with water? Shivering?
The only person whose feelings and behaviour we know for definite is the cat's:
Meowoof purred against Clark and was obviously upset.
Again, you can obviously do this stuff and do it very nicely. I just think you need to do more of it - without going OTT, of course!
There are lots more examples I could quote, but I don't want to labour the point. Again, apologies if you don't want this sort of feedback, or would prefer to receive it in private. It's just that we have a tradition of constructive criticism on these boards and I thought it would be nice to resurrect it.
Happy writing!
Yvonne
