Hi Tank
Along with everyone else, I want to say "Great story!"
I, too, liked the "shiny red butt" line, but that wasn't, surprisingly enough, my favourite in the story. My favourite line?
She was aghast. Lucy had never seen Lois this upset before. Not even when their father had walked out for good.
Okay, so it doesn't provoke a laugh and it's certainly not central to the story. What it does do, though, is in ten words show the wealth of shared experience the two sisters have. It's a wonderfully understated way of showing how close they are.
Re Roger's comment:
There's only one thing I would have liked better. It would have been terribly amusing to actually watch the whole fight from Lucy's perspective, rather than told through her after-the-fact introspection.
I have to disagree here. I thought your telling this part of the story in flashback worked very well. I've seen all the arguments and rages in fanfics before; I probably would have got bored seeing them rehashed once again. As it was, I could imagine them perfectly well without seeing them written out word for word. This way, we get a clear summary of everything that has been said as well as Lucy's response to it.
All told, I liked it, but I think you've worked that out already, right?
Chris
