So this is the thing called pain. Such a strange, unfamiliar sensation. Oh, he had read descriptions of it, had imagined in his mind what it must feel like, but he was still surprised at the reality of it. Perhaps hunger and illness felt like this too? But what was it that had created this new feeling? Ah yes, there had been a loud bang. As quickly as his first remembrance came, the rest of his memories tumbled together...
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Suddenly, the classroom door burst open to reveal two masked gunmen. "All right, nobody move! Everyone up against that wall!" shouted the one wearing a black leather jacket.
Another solid intro. A good attention-grabber.
"Police? Yeah, here's the deal. We've got a classroom full of kids held hostage, and we want ten million dollars and safe passage to the country of our choice. If our demands are not met, we'll blow the room to smithereens along with everyone in it. If we even *suspect* that Superman is around, we'll detonate the bomb. Oh - and just to show you that we mean business, we're going to shoot one student every five minutes, starting...oh, say, five minutes from now." Jonathan focused his hearing, and could make out the person on the other end start a cry of protest at the last sentence, but immediately after saying his last word, Leather Jacket hung up the phone.
Actually, that was the tricky part. I had to devise a plot where
1.Jonathan got shot
2.The secret is out
3. #1 and #2 is the only way or else someone dies.
Hence the weird plot. (dud bomb, multiple gunmen, shooting begins in 5 minutes) Best I could come up with though Getting around Superman showing up to save the day is tricky...
Superman's existance is exactly why this isn't a weird plot. Every criminal realizes that Superman puts their criminal enterprise at risk, so his existance makes them more desperate.
Also, as a teen, I don't expect Jonathon to be able to figure out how to do a rescue without revealing his secret. He does his best, thinking through all the options.
I totally understand why Clark reveals himself as Superman to protect Lois's reputation and to honor the sacrifice that Jonathon already made.
This part is better than the last. The sections flow freely from one to the next. The thoughts lead one to the next.
In the last part, I had a hard time, because I wasn't sure why the flashbacks were happening. Somehow I see flashbacks as more appropriate for a woman or a man who is convinced they are going to die than for a teenage boy who is convinced he is going to live forever. Each flashback was well-written, but I wasn't sure why he was having the flashbacks.
Perhaps it would be better if Lois were the one having the flashbacks after finding out her son has been shot. Or perhaps I'm just a lousy reader. :p
Either way, I really am enjoying this story (otherwise I wouldn't have taken the time to leave this much feedback).
Keep writing.
Elisabeth
