Lois! Not a good idea to go without Clark.
Do you have your machine thing-y to take us over to the other universe?”
...
Don't do it, Herb! You don't know what will happen with history. I can see it now. Alt-Clark has disappeared!!
“This is what I want you to do, Herbert George Wells. First, I want to go visit this other universe and meet the other Lois. Secondly, I want you to take me back to the day *after * I disappeared so I can tell my mother that I’m going to be missing for three years and not to drink herself to death. Thirdly, I want you to take me to see my sister Lucy the day *before* her plane crash. I’m going to find some excuse to keep her from boarding that plane. Then, we’ll come back to the “present” and hopefully I will have my family back. Then I’ll accept your apology. Okay?”
...
Ah, poor Clark. He might be right! Oh, and Herb was right! Alt-Clark is in love with alt-Lois!
Meeting her twin in the other world could put a nail in the coffin of their fledgling relationship.
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This is great!!
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I think it would work better if you tell us what happened to Lois before she came back. I think this part -
Starting with...Unbeknownst to Clark, outside in the nearby alley the time machine had re-materialized. Lois felt queasy from the movement of the dimensional portal. and ending with.... Lois felt changed somehow, inside. - should go after her experiences in this world. I don't think the flashback works well the way you have used it. I think if you do the flashbacks after she finds out if Ellen and Lucy are waiting for her, then it would work fine.
...
Would Lois really think this??
<Oh, poor Clark. He’s lost his parents, Lana, and now *his* Lois is …large.>
Somehow, I don't imagine Lois to be this shallow.
...
I liked parts of it, but for the most part I didn't really like the conversation between the Loises. I guess what I didn't like about it was the launch right into being overweight. I just can't see that happening. But that's just my take on it.
...
Ann...
Mmmmmm.... Aaaaaahhh.... And I'm just having the last pieces of a super-delicious chocolate bar. French chocolate, made from cocoa beans from Madagascar, Plantation Mangaro. Milk chocolate which contains 50% per cent cocoa.... You can't imagine how rich, smooth, intense and velvety it is. I know I shouldn't....
You're killing me here.
