Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Fanfic Challenge How to Tell if Your Neighbor Is a Kryptonian:

How to Tell if Your Neighbor Is a Kryptonian:

1. When you ask him where his step ladder is, he stares at you blankly.

2. He knocks on your door to ask you to turn down the loud music. You were listening to headphones at the time.

3. He is cryptic about where he gets all his take-out.

4. In discussing home improvements, he expresses a strong desire to fortify and retexture the bedroom ceiling.

5. He does so by the next morning, with no signs of a construction crew coming or going.

6. He also remodels his kitchen and living room during that time.

7. He doesn't really appreciate St. Patrick's day.

8. He is reluctant to buy his wife Emeralds.

9. His children are significantly stronger than your teenage son.

10. They're two.

11. While commenting on how good his cooking is, you notice the stove isn't even plugged in.

12. You're about to star in a fic written by someone who's read this list. (Including any of these elements ain't necessary. In fact, whether you write a fic or not, feel free to add your own HtTiYNiaK's!)

13. There are often sonic booms to be heard, but no military planes to be seen.

14. You often catch him peeking over his glasses.

15. He knows about your family problems without you ever telling him.

16. He's a member of many obscure clubs (like the Cheese of the Month Club).

17. He claims to visit his dentist, but you never see him there.

18. He reproaches you for cursing - even if you did so in Chinese or Korean.

19. He tells you to eat leaves for high blood pressure.

20. There are no dust bunnies under his couch - or anywhere else for that matter.

21. Although he eats like an eight-year-old, he looks like Mr. Hardbody.

22. He can take the wrath of Lois Lane and even smile about it.

Can't think of more right now.

23 - When you ask to borrow some razor blades the packet he gives you was made in 1990.

24 - After the big storm it took you three weeks to get your roof repaired. Your neighbor's roof was fixed by the time you'd finished talking to the insurance company.

sorry. distinct lack of ideas here...

25. Sometimes, you can see a glowing object floating in his living room.

26. He never is sick, and he never is hurt, either.

27. His wife pulls him around at his eye-burning tie.

28. Look closely at him and you'll notice the feet of clay.

29. He constantly runs off for appointments, but never for an appointment with his hair stylist.

30. Regardless of 29, his hair is neatly trimmed.

31. His kids are often nearby when unexplained fires occur... for instance the spontaneous combustion of the school bully's hair...

32. Same kids end up not only blowing out the candles, but simultaneously freezing the cake and the 6 bottles of "Soda" nearby...

33. said kids are the only ones on the block to be often flown to school by said super-hero when they miss the bus in the morning....

34. their house is in the Guinness book of Records for the most bomb threats for any single building, including the Pentagon, Fort Knox**, and the White-House combined ...

34. His kids scrape into a close 2nd in the Guinness book of records category for most kidnapping attempts on any individual (when considered as a group), 3rd being James Bond...

35. and by a clear majority, his wife trumps that category with the number of actual kidnaps and kidnapping threats totalling an estimated number somewhere in the vicinity of the number of times she has changed her hairstyle in her life... or the number of double-fudge-crunch bars she eats in a year...


** forgive the spelling, I'm an aussie... but it was in my mind tonight as my brother watched a documentary on it today...

36. And his sons are the only teenage males at school who don't express any desire to peek into the girls' locker room.

37. He and his children habitually whisper to the wall or nobody in particular.

38. If you listen closely to said whispering, you'll realize that it sounds suspiciously like half a conversation.

39. His children are often light-years away when you're talking to them. So is your neighbour.

40. They look like deers caught in the headlights when you say, "Earth to [insert given name]".

41. You can tell they're lying to you.

42. Regardless, you don't know why they're doing so.

43. Which leaves you feeling galactically stupid.

44. If you follow them to find out their secret, you always end up losing their trail.

45. If you get too annoying, you'll have Superman ask you awkward questions.

46. More often than not, you see firemen arrive when his wive actually tries to cook. (There is a reason for 11.)

47. Your neighbor and his children are the only ones who can stomach their mother's cooking and live to tell the tale.

48. You could swear his wife looks exactly like Ultrawoman.

49. You'll find a number of Kerth Awards in his closet. Maybe even a Pulitzer.

50. There are buttons missing on his shirt.

51. Your neighbour looks a lot like Superman (plus glasses, minus spandex, plus wild ties, minus hair gel)

52. Superman is often seen entering your neighbour's house and sometimes days pass before he's seen leaving (but your neighbour's never talk about it and when you try to get an invitation to dine with the man of steel & company, they pretend they don't know what you're talking about)

My muse is on vacation. You can blame me if the ideas are long & lame...