I really loved this, too. I'm barely reading any L&C fic these days, which is no reflection on the talent of anyone writing it; it's a consequence of my having moved on, in writing terms, to another fandom. But when I read this on Dave's LJ it really struck a chord in me and I encouraged him to post it.
Yes, Clark's deceiving Lois, Ann. And it's completely unfair to Lois and he owes her so much more than that. But what this vignette is about is that he
knows that. He knows it soul-deep and it's driving him absolutely insane with guilt and regret, and it's also meaning that he can't take the comfort from her that he so desperately needs, because she doesn't know why he needs it and he feels that he doesn't deserve to ask. In that sense, it's a tragedy for both of them. For some reason, which isn't shared with us and which isn't really the point of the story, he's completely tongue-tied on the subject of who he really is. And what we're seeing is the consequences.
And, actually, now that he's managed to get the words out, even if she's asleep, I think he'll tell her in the morning.
You know, you could see this as a 'what-if' - or even, if you like, a nightmare he's having about what could happen if he never did tell her. Say in the days or weeks between WWW and ATAI - after all, something must have changed, because in WWW he wasn't ready to tell her his secret, but in ATAI he was. So he has this recurring nightmare, perhaps, where they're married and he's never been able to tell her. And because of that he knows he has to before their relationship goes any further, even though he's still got that lingering fear that she'll react badly to the knowledge.
You see, the Clark of the TV series isn't like the movie or comic Clark. He was never sniggering behind Lois's back about secrets he knew and she didn't. He was always terrified of her finding out
because of how she might react - either liking him more because he's Superman, or (as time went by) hating him for the deception. She had the power to crush him by a bad reaction to his confession. He kept the truth from her not to deceive her but to protect himself. And I see this story as a lesson learned: the consequences of protecting himself too much, and deceiving the woman he loves with every bit of his soul in doing so.
It's a tragedy for both of them. But you know what? What you identified, Ann, is that Lois is truly the stronger of the two of them - which is one thing we did see time and again in the series. She's stronger, because she's accepted that there are things he's not telling her, and she trusts him enough to believe that he will tell her when he's ready. Because she loves him and believes above all that he loves her.
Great, painful, tragic and ultimately hopeful little fic, Dave.
Wendy
