I read your fic late last night but didn't take the time immediately to give feedback. Now that I have time, all I can do is echo the comments of those that posted already.
I like your idea but I think it does beg for more. I do believe you did the right thing in starting with a short. You can continue to develop this idea in small sections or you can move in a different direction.
In any case, you should be proud that you took the scary step of sharing your work. It was only about a year and a half ago that I posted my first story here. It was my first work of fiction ever and the idea of showing it was frightening.
Welcome to the ranks of the writers.
Bob
