To me, the key quote of this part, and maybe the key quote of the entire fic so far, is this:
"She doesn't really understand what it means to love, does she?"
Clark shook his head. "No. She understands what it means to love. On some level, she loves me. She wasn't ever planning on leaving me even though she 'knew' I was having an affair. But really, she loves Lucy. She never left Lucy. She married me, even though we hadn't seen each other in years. We'd written, but never spoken. In theory, I could have been an ax murderer good at hiding things with words. Or it's possible that, no matter what I'd told her, I would expect sex - because we were married, or as... some sort of 'payment' or 'gesture of appreciation' for working hard or who knows what. Even if I never actually forced her, I certainly *could* have pressured her or made her feel guilty about it, things like that that would have made her feel like she couldn't refuse. But for some reason, she decided that a home for Lucy was more important than the risks she took marrying me. She knows what it means to love. What she doesn't understand is what it means to *be* loved."
Wow. Lois understands what it means to love, and she dows love, too - she loves Lucy so unswervingly, and she does love Clark, too, in her own way. What she doesn't know, and what she needs to learn, is how to be given love by someone else, and how to accept that love.
Clark and Lois's big, big problem - that Lois isn't ready for intimacy - probably has to do with the fact that she doesn't fully trust the kind of love that others are prepared to give to
her. And, of course, she can't believe, not not on a gut level, that sex can be an expression of love. Consider her parents. Their marriage basically meant that Ellen sold herself and her body to her husband in return for financial security, almost like she had been a prostitute. Because, just like a prostitute, she could never ask her husband that he should give himself to her. He wasn't even ashamed to admit that he had a lot of girlfriends, and he had even worded his marriage vows in such a way that they didn't include a vow of fidelity. When Sam and Ellen had sex, their intimacy basically proved that Ellen was a kept woman and Sam a free agent. Sex turned Ellen into a piece of property whose body Sam was free to use for his own pleasure. It's no wonder that Lois doesn't want to do anything that could put herself in Ellen's position. Yes, she should trust Clark, and in a way she does - but she hasn't learnt how to *be* loved, and she hasn't begun to figure out how to accept sex as an expression of love.
Add to that, of course, the fact that Lois was almost raped. All her fears of sex must have been magnified, and her gut instinct, which tells her that sex has nothing to do with love, must have been so strongly reincforced. Because what can be less loving than rape? No act can separate sex from love as completely as rape does. How can a person who hasn't learnt to *be* loved trust sex as an expression of love, after she has been assaulted and almost raped?
And that near-rape was Lois's first own experience of sex. I was so moved by Clark's agony. If only he had been allowed to be the first. Because even if Lois hadn't been really ready for it at that time, it wouldn't have been horrible for her. Their sex wouldn't have been an expression of the opposite of love.
Her first experience with a man touching her... and it's him. I'm not saying it would have been easy whenever it happened, but even though we've been married for as long as we have, the only memories she has of a man is of *him*."
He started pacing the walls and the ceiling, not noticing Perry's startled look when he did so. "I almost wish we'd gotten carried away on our wedding night, and even if she'd said afterwards that it was awkward and painful or even if it wasn't, but for some other reason, that it never should have happened and it couldn't happen again until the time was right, at least he wouldn't have been the first one.
...
She told me she wants to want us to be together like that, but she can't - not right now. She told me she doesn't want to remember what it's like to have another man do those things to her but she has no idea when she'll be ready to let me try to erase those memories - or at least override them with new, better ones.
Oh, poor, poor Clark.
I loved how patiently and respectfully Perry listened to Clark's tale. I also loved how Perry was the one who pointed out the distinction between sex without love and sex
with love:
The difference between being kissed and touched and such while being raped and being kissed and touched while making love with your husband or wife are two very different things. Remember that."
I also loved that Perry told Clark this:
"Words do mean something though, Clark. When they come from the heart, they do mean something. You can't just tell her, but you also can't *just* show her. She needs to hear it to."
Yes indeed, it is important to show, but it is equally important to tell. Clark has begun to understand that, but I'm still glad that Perry reinforced it for him.
What a wonderful, moving chapter, Carol.
Ann
