I think I am as numb as Lois is right about now
/
/
/
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Oh. My. Goodness.
What Clark is revealing is so much
more painful, so much
more damaging, so much
more...hopeless. For the first time (honestly so far in this story) I'm even wondering if this can be fixed
. And I tend to be quite the 'hold out' for the 'happily ever after' ending usually...
His expression clears like morning dullness vanishing at the first whiff of coffee, and he offers her a faint smile, shadowed in the dark. “I don’t actually need much sleep, Lois.”
“Well, I don’t actually need much food,” she says sarcastically (suddenly so aggravated, so annoyed by him, that she wonders how anyone could look at him and not see Clark, even without the glasses), “but I find that two or three good meals a day drastically affects my outlook on life.”
For an instant, she thinks he will smile. His mouth curves, his eyes slant (her breath catches), but no.
This is where I really started to worry. Lois' remark was about as close to 'Lois' as I've seen so far in the story--I
loved her comment for how normal it sounded
. And I loved it for how annoyed she was. Lois annoyed at Clark: Classic. Perfect. Normal.
Clark didn't take the bait. He normally would have. He would have smiled. Responded. Volleyed it back right at her.
It felt so foreign that he wasn't 'in' the conversation. That chemistry, that carried through so much, is just...gone.
For a much longer moment, Clark is silent (she thinks he is debating with himself whether to elaborate). But then he breathes in (honesty winning out, as always, and she wonders how he ever thought he could keep a secret identity when he cannot lie) and meets her gaze. “Lois,” he says softly. Intently. “Being Clark Kent was selfish.”
She has never been hit (stabbed, shocked, shot, hurt) harder in her life. Never felt so much crushing pain (and maybe his now-habitual silence is only another of his ways to protect the world, if so few of his words can inflict this much damage). She has never looked at someone and felt so much horror.
Me either.
WOW. If he is 'here'--thinking that being himself is something that he can no longer be
because he doesn't deserve to be so--he is just completely off the mark. Gut-wrenching.
These two paragraphs hit me harder than the final blow of:
“All those times I could have been saving lives,” he continues relentlessly,” but I let them die because I was too busy protecting a life that didn’t even really exist. You were right in your article, Lois. You said the world needed Superman.” He lets out a shuddering breath and his eyes flutter closed to hide whatever it is (anguish, resignation, defeat) smoldering in their clouded depths. And then he drives in the final nail. “But it doesn’t need Clark Kent.”
And that was only because I was still reeling from the initial shock of Clark being so far 'off'... thinking that selfishness equated to being who you really are and want to be. It's heart-breaking to think that someone, someone so
good, could also be so lost.
The only consolation in my head--cause I've been trying to 'spin' this now for a few days
--is that he's telling all of this to Lois. He's not being 'on' for her--The Clark Kent at Dinner. 'Clark Kent' for his parents, for Jimmy/James. They see him as getting better. Taking that second helping onto his plate. Smiling. Lois--now--knows so much more.
Clark's always felt that connection to Lois, right from the beginning. I think he knows that he won't be able to fool her, for long anyway. He needs to be able to tell
someone how lost he is...and he can't afford to hurt/disappoint the ones that were sitting at the dinner table. Lois though? She's already hurt him. She's not 'in' the group. I think there's solace there maybe for Clark.
Maybe by being a safe confidant, someone that Clark can honestly be miserable with, Lois will become so much more. And knowing Lois--and how stubborn she is--maybe she'll be able to pull Clark out of the scary place he currently is in.
Please? I hope so....cause I'm running out of ways to 'fix' this. And that, Anti-K, is a complete testiment to how amazing of a writer you are--making me analyze this story frontwards, backwards, and upside down
.
Laura
