Wrong Place, Wrong Time, Wrong Clark TOC can be found Here

You can find the previous part here: Part 150

Part 151

Clark had snuck out of the Daily Planet the first moment Chip’s back was turned. He wasn’t going to let some snot-nosed brat hold him hostage, especially one who didn’t know him, his job, or the news business, and whom Luthor had hired. This story was too important. Clark needed to fly to London to track down the right Dylan Gilbert and figure out why he would create such a virus. Lois had been right about one thing; face-to-face was the best way to catch this computer genius.

It was getting late by the time he landed in an alley outside of the neighborhood of the second to the last name on his list and quickly spun into his business suit. Hunting down and interviewing Dylan Gilberts had taken him longer than he expected due to delays from not finding the Dylans on his list at home and from Superman calls. One of the Dylans on his list, his lead ‘suspect’ in fact, no longer lived at the address of record, and it had taken Clark several hours to discover that he died days before the email had been sent. Another Dylan was a sales clerk in a paper goods store, but his email didn’t match. In addition, it made no sense why Daitch would take that man’s email seriously. From what Clark could tell, the man was obsessed with clubbing and girls, not astronomy. He was more likely to send a lewd picture than a spreadsheet. Another Dylan Gilbert was a retired factory worker, who didn’t even have a computer, let alone an email address. The others he had checked out were more of the same, right name, wrong guy.

Clark walked up to the door of the townhouse and rang the bell. A tired looking middle-aged woman opened the door.

“Good afternoon… uh… evening,” Clark said. “I’m wondering if Dylan Gilbert lives here.”

She crossed her arms and shifted her position to block the door more fully. “And who are you?”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Gilbert,” Clark apologized. It had been a long day. He removed his press pass from his pocket and handed it over to her. “I’m Clark Kent with the Daily Planet.”

“Ms. Gilbert,” she corrected. She looked at the pass and handed it back. “Why do you want to speak to Dylan?”

Clark flipped open his notebook. “Is this Mr. Gilbert’s email address?” he asked, showing her the address he had taken from the email from Daitch’s suicide note.

She raised a brow, which Clark took as an answer in the affirmative. Finally. “You haven’t answered my question, Mr. Kent.”

“This email address came up in the course of an investigation, and I was wondering if Mr. Gilbert would mind answering some questions,” Clark said.

“What kind of investigation?” Ms. Gilbert probed.

Clark could hear her heart rate increase and knew he must be on the right track.

“Hey, Mum! Who’s at the door?” Ms. Gilbert’s son asked as he jumped down the stairs, bouncing a soccer ball from knee to knee.

“Just a man, and, Dylan, how many times have I told you not to play football in the house?” Ms. Gilbert called back.

“Sorry, Mum,” Dylan called, stopping immediately. The boy couldn’t have been more than nine.

Clark’s brow furrowed. “Ma’am, does this email address belong to your son?”

“You didn’t answer my question, yet, Mr. Kent,” Ms. Gilbert said, stepping forward and closing the door behind her, essentially blocking off Clark’s view of her son.

“Do you or your son know a Stephen Daitch?” Clark asked.

The woman started to shake her head, but then paused. “Daitch? As in Professor Daitch? From the telly?”

“Yes, Ma’am. Professor Daitch of EPRAD. An email from your son was found in his possession,” Clark said.

“No,” Ms. Gilbert said. “How would my son know some American scientist? You must be mistaken.”

“Is your son interested in astronomy?” Clark asked.

“What eight year old boy isn’t? Especially after Nightfall,” Ms. Gilbert responded.

“How about before Nightfall?” Clark asked.

“What’s your point, Mr. Kent?” Ms. Gilbert accused. Then she held up her index finger. “No, no. There’s been some kind of cock-up. You must want my uncle: Theodore Dylan Gilbert, everyone called him Dylan. I even named Dylan after him. He was an avid space hobbyist. He loved everything about the stars, planets, and universe and was even president of his local chapter of the Astronomer’s club. The only reason Dylan has an email address was to communicate with his great uncle. Dylan became interested in space after Superman showed up last summer, and Uncle Dylan would answer his questions.” She smiled fondly at the memory. “He may have known Professor Daitch.”

Clark knew the answer before he asked the question. “Where might I reach your uncle, Ms. Gilbert?”

“In heaven. He died before Nightfall, Mr. Kent. In the ensuing chaos, I had difficulty gathering his friends and colleagues for the memorial service,” Ms. Gilbert said. “It’s sad really. Uncle Dylan would have been one of the few who would have loved Nightfall. I’m sorry he missed it.”

“Ms. Gilbert, would your uncle have sent anything to your son to be forwarded on to Professor Daitch after his death?” Clark asked.

“Oh, no. Dylan’s eight and my uncle would never have burdened him with his work. I doubt Dylan has even logged into his email account since Uncle Dylan’s death,” Ms. Gilbert reassured him. “The stars have lost their shine.”

“Do you think we could double-check Dylan’s email account?” Clark asked. “Or speak to Dylan directly about this?”

“Mr. Kent, I’ve already told you that my son didn’t contact Professor Daitch,” Ms. Gilbert insisted.

“Somebody did. An email from your son’s address…” Clark held up the email address he had shown Ms. Gilbert before. “This email address… was sent to Professor Daitch two days before the Nightfall eclipse. Could your uncle have…?”

“No!” Ms. Gilbert said, shaking her head. “My uncle died the week before Nightfall. The funeral was set for the day after it was announced. That’s why we had difficulty getting people to attend.” She backed up towards her door, her eyes widening in fear as she opened her front door and backed inside. “There must be some kind of mistake. This interview is over, Mr. Kent.”

“Please, Ms. Gilbert, this is very important. I’ll keep any mention of you and Dylan confidential,” Clark said as she started to shut her front door. “I can introduce Dylan to Superman.”

The words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop them. He hated using his alter ego to get information, especially out of mothers of children, but this story was too important. Someone had sabotaged Professor Daitch’s research and endangered the lives of all the people on Earth. Clark needed to double-check Dylan’s account to see if there was record of the email on it.

Ms. Gilbert scowled at Clark. “Why would I want my son to meet Superman, Mr. Kent? He almost destroyed the Earth.”

“What?” Clark sputtered. “Excuse me. When?”

“According to LNN-International, Superman is to blame for exploding the harmless Nightfall Major and for unleashing the deadly Nightfall Minor upon the planet, only to then ‘save’ us at the last minute,” Ms. Gilbert announced with a scoff. “That’s not the type of ‘hero’ I want my son to idolize, Mr. Kent. You can quote me on that!” She slammed the door in his face.

***

Lois didn’t know why Clark was being so obtuse, other than that he was Clark. She had explained everything in the note she had slipped between the issues of Daily Planets stacked on his doorstep while he was in Brazil, and she knew Clark always read the newspaper.

Had he torn it up before reading it? She cringed at this thought. She knew that she didn’t deserve such consideration, when Clark must have felt as if she had refused to listen to him the day he’d proposed, and just tossed their relationship away. In her defense, Clark hadn’t listened to what she had come there to say either.

She nibbled on her bottom lip. No. That didn’t sound like Clark. He never would have torn up a note from her without reading it, no matter how much pain it would have brought him. His curiosity was almost as bad as hers was.

Had he not received it? This thought caused her a moment of panic, as she feared that Lex had somehow gotten hold of the note. She knew Lex was trying to spy on every moment of her life, but had he hired goons to watch Clark’s apartment as well? She reviewed in her mind everything that she had written to Clark. No. She hadn’t revealed anything she shouldn’t, except her wish to not have Clark contact her for their protection. He had honored her request, so he must have received her note.

Had he taken her request in the wrong way? She rolled her eyes. Very possibly, knowing Clark. She hated trying to communicate through vague notes with underlying and yet unwritten information and hope that the recipient would understand the correct message. On the other hand, if she had written outright that she was investigating Lex and that she would continue to love Clark until her dying day, whether he forgave her or not, the note would surely have ended up in Lex’s hands. She just seemed to have that type of luck lately. It was better not to tempt fate.

Lois would have to try harder to contact Clark, through his Superman persona if need be. Surely, Lex wouldn’t jump to conclusions if a reporter from LNN spoke with Superman, right? Especially after today’s fiasco. Of course, how likely was Superman to talk to any reporters after the lies that television journalists had spread over the airwaves today?

No. She sighed. Clark would trust in the system of innocence until proven guilty and Superman would be eaten alive by mob rule.

Robertson didn’t seem to appreciate Lois’s opinion on the content of LNN’s broadcast. LNN’s reporters had jumped to conclusions and been painting Superman as an enemy of the world all afternoon. The news director claimed that they were just following the leads they had been given. If Lois had any other information she wanted to share to change this angle, Robertson claimed to be all ears.

On one hand, Lois hadn’t wanted to undermine Clark’s story, if he was working on finding Darren or Dave or Gilbert or whatever that guy’s name was who sent Daitch the Nightfall Course Projection spreadsheet, because she knew Clark would line up all his facts before writing his article. On the other hand, she needed to stop LNN’s “persecute Superman” broadcast as soon as possible. Their so-called ‘experts’ were taking Superman’s quotes out of context, making it appear that he was saying one thing when he was talking about another, as they dissected every word he had said for hidden meaning. No wonder Lex never did one-on-one interviews with the press.

It was only a matter of time before someone at LNN stumbled over her Bureau 39 articles on Jason Trask and started to scare the public into fearing Superman. Superman didn’t need a debate on whether Kryptonite was real. It would be like an ad campaign for his death.

Therefore, Lois had told Robertson to stop vilifying Superman, because she was working on a story, which would prove that someone else was behind the bad data at EPRAD. Robertson had responded that he had heard about the so-called ‘Nightfall Virus’, and thus validated her hunch about Ralph stealing her notebooks, but Christine and Joy hadn’t been able to confirm its existence. Apparently, EPRAD didn’t want any reporters on their premises while they conducted an internal investigation. Big surprise after every rotten thing LNN and other news outlets were currently saying about the space agency. Until Robertson had proof of someone trying to sabotage EPRAD or Superman, verified by experts, he wouldn’t be able to report it and change the lead on the story.

Lois had proof. Somewhere, she had a copy of the virus on a diskette and Eugene Laderman had authenticated it, but she didn’t have his permission to quote him as her source. Lois remembered specifically that Eugene, like Jimbo, had wanted to be hands-off regarding the virus as soon as he knew what it was. When she explained this to Robertson, he told her that was terrific and to get him a copy of virus so that they could have independent experts verify Laderman’s hypothesis, being that Laderman was an unreliable expert due to his recent association with the Ides of Metropolis virus.

At this point, Lois lost her head and called her boss a few choice words, not recommended for one’s first day on the job, as she explained to him who exactly fixed the Ides of Metropolis virus. Robertson, to his credit, had remained calm. He then went on to remind Lois that even if Superman had received bad data from EPRAD and Daitch, because of some psycho computer hacker, he had still endangered Earth by exploding Nightfall Major and causing Nightfall Minor, which did almost strike the Earth. A plan supplied to Superman by General Zeitlin and the military, Lois had retorted.

Robertson had countered that since Laderman and Superman worked together on curing the country’s infrastructure of the Ides of Metropolis virus that it would be better for the Man of Steel if an expert with no ties to him were involved in authenticating the virus. Lois had to concede this point, knowing that both Perry and Clark would agree, but she hadn’t liked it. It seemed like a waste of time. Robertson had then said that he could really use a Superman expert such as Lois to join the on-air discussion, currently filling the airwaves while LNN reporters scrambled to unearth facts and tidbits for discussion.

Lois knew that Clark would never speak to her again if she joined the on-air debate, even if she was on the pro-side of Superman, because she knew far too much about Superman. She didn’t trust herself to stay in control should the debate become heated, as she was sure it would, and keep all of Clark’s secrets. In addition, Perry would never rehire her back at the Planet if she showed such public bias towards a subject, as she was apt to do if she were called upon to defend Superman. Thirdly, the only reason she was at LNN was part of her undercover operation to prove that Lex Luthor should be behind bars. Going on-air in defense of Superman would jeopardize said investigation. Everyone already knew that Lois was in the pro-Superman camp, but she didn’t need to remind Lex of how staunchly she believed in the hero. She told Robertson that she would rather put herself to better use exposing the truth behind this scandal. This time it was Robertson who conceded.

Lois had conducted this conversation with Robertson over the telephone that afternoon from her apartment as she searched for the diskette and any story notes she might have that weren’t in her notebooks. Unfortunately, the only thing she did find, down at the bottom of her briefcase, was a printout of the email Daitch had received. She had no idea where the diskette had disappeared off to. The last time she remembered seeing it, either her or Laderman had returned it to her desk drawer, and that had been weeks earlier. She only hoped it hadn’t ended up in Lex’s capable hands.

Lex had already known about the discrepancy between EPRAD and Daitch’s numbers and that of LexLab’s astronomer. He had told her about it during her visit to his bunker. His words had authenticated her hunch that Nightfall Major wouldn’t hit Earth, which was what had made her dig deeper into what Daitch and EPRAD knew in the first place.

On the way to the Fifth Street Mission for her shift, Lois had just enough time to stop by a coffee shop to call Perry at home with the information to forward on to Clark. If anyone was going to receive credit for finding out who was behind the Nightfall virus, she’d much rather it was Clark than someone at LNN.

Neither Perry nor Alice had been at home when she telephoned, so she left on the Whites’ machine the name and email address of the person who had sent Daitch the spreadsheet. Then Lois had bought herself and Mitch coffees, his black with no sugars in honor of Clark, and continued on her way to the Mission. Mitch once more declined acceptance of the coffee she had bought him, so she gave it to Bobby, who had been more than thrilled that she had thought of him. Apparently, it made Mitch uncomfortable that Lois kept talking to him and exposing the fact that she knew about him tailing her. Tough.

Lois had to leave early to have time to shower and change before heading over to Lex’s penthouse. She had just been walking out the Mission’s door, when she bumped into Rat coming in. She had been so anxious that she would miss him, or that he wouldn’t show up at all. She had slipped the note and a ten dollar bill into his coat pocket as they greeted one another and then had patted it once so that he would know that it was there.

Tonight’s message was the most important note, since that first one she had delivered herself after her and Clark’s big fight, aka the proposal. She needed it delivered before Cat announced her and Lex’s engagement in her Cat’s Corner column the next day.

***

Lex leaned back in his office chair and picked up his telephone, dialing a number. He had a few minutes before Lois was to arrive and after that report broke on LNN earlier today, he wanted to make sure to take full advantage of his nemesis’s weakness while the irons were hot.

“Dr. Carlin’s office. How may I help you?” a crisp British accent asked.

“Hello, Arianna,” Lex said.

“Lex. How are you doing? I haven’t heard from you in a few days,” his ex-wife responded. From the annoyance in her voice, he could tell that she must have expected something different after their disastrous night together.

“I’ve been busy. How are you feeling?”

“Much better. Lex, you must tell me what that drug was that you used on me to relax my inhibitions,” Arianna said.

Lex smiled. There was nothing better than an intelligent woman. They always kept him on his toes. “Just a gift from an old friend. It’s not something widely available.”

“That’s too bad. It would work miracles with some of my patients,” she responded.

“We can discuss it again, once the Luthor House for the Mentally Unstable has opened. Perhaps you can run some studies with it,” he suggested.

“Sounds intriguing. Why not run the studies on your Luckies?”

An image of a group of woman begging to please him all at once flashed through his mind. “I’ve had to put a moratorium on studies down there at the moment, while my clone is making a full recovery from being shot, but I’ll keep that in mind. I actually had a different type of study in mind.”

“Oh.”

“Do you still write that advice column?” he asked.

“You know I do. It’s called ‘Healing the Inner Self’ and it’s syndicated nationwide. The Metropolis Star carries it, not that that is any endorsement,” Arianna said. “But the uneducated prefer to get their advice for free. Then they go out and buy all my books, so it works out for me in the end.”

“Have you ever tried to combine your two favorite subjects? Healing the masses with subliminal advertising?” Lex took out a cigar out of his box, trimmed off the end, and lit it. With a puff of smoke, his smile grew.

***

Lois hadn’t wanted to eat dinner with Lex. She hadn’t wanted to see him again. Unfortunately, everything was riding on her shoulders now. The invisible fence she had built to protect herself was still intact, but she was being forced to take another step towards it. She wasn’t conceding defeat, she reminded herself. That was something she would never do.

Towards the end of their meal, ‘Chip’ from the Daily Planet arrived with some paperwork that Lex had requested. Lex officially introduced her to the pond scum he had hired to replace Perry, and then the two men had retired to Lex’s office. It all felt surreal, as if Lois were walking through the motions in a dream state. They had dismissed her as if she were the ‘little lady’ with no head for business. That was just the icing on the poisonous cake of her oh-so-perfect day.

Lex returned a few minutes later, apologizing for the interruption and then promptly asked her to give him a few minutes to tie up a few loose ends upstairs. She acquiesced. Sure, she could’ve protested, but the less time she spent in Lex’s presence the better her sanity and the less likely she would end up in jail on homicide charges. He headed upstairs, leaving her alone in his living room and the office door ajar.

It was an open invitation.

On Lex’s desk were the papers Chip had brought. Included was a list of personnel, of reporters, her colleagues at the Daily Planet, on which someone, either Lex or Chip, had crossed out some of the names in red ink. Other names, Lex had crossed out in black ink: Jimmy, another researcher named Trent, and secretary named Isabella. Flipping through the papers, she realized that this was actually a second draft of an earlier list where Lex had crossed out Jimmy, Trent, and Isabella’s names in red. The photocopied paper had turned those original redlined names to black-lined names. Lex had already downshifted those people. Lois swallowed. Her safety net was next up on the chopping block.

Lois chuckled without humor. The funny thing was that Ralph and Wally made both cuts. This wasn’t a list of people who should be fired to make the Daily Planet stronger; this was a list of people who would fight management to keep it strong.

At the top of the redlined list, Lex had written the word ‘control’. Lois guessed Lex wanted Chip to take away these people’s sense of control. Then she remembered what Chip had said about Jimmy. He hadn’t been ‘fired’, but relocated to the Printing Department. They weren’t going to lay off anyone; no, that would be too messy and costly. They were just going to tick them off or break their spirit until they quit.

Well, that explained the hiring of Chipmunk, the demotion of Jimmy, and the micromanaging of the Man of Steel. With all of his unexcused absences, Clark would absolutely hate being tied down.

And, yet, he proposed to me.

Not the same thing, she tried to convince herself. She had always given Clark his freedom; it was the only way to ensure her own. Ironically, though, while trying to guarantee Clark’s freedom from Lex, she had ended up losing all of her own independence.

Lois took a deep breath. It was only temporarily, she reminded herself. This wouldn’t be forever. Every fiber of her body was fighting her from going through what she knew she had to do. However, Lois knew what would happen if she didn’t take this next step, her team would be scattered to the wind and she’d be stuck either in her undercover assignment forever or on the run with Clark. Both options had Lex winning and she didn’t consider that a viable choice.

“Darling?” Lex called, entering his office.

She had wanted Lex to find her going through his papers, just as he had left these papers on his desk because he had wanted to her to find them.

“Are you going to fire these people?” Lois asked, holding up the redline sheet.

“Of course not, darling,” Lex lied, moving closer to remove the list from her, but she turned away from him and didn’t hand it over.

“White. Friaz. Grant. Kent. Valdez. Schwartz. If you get rid of these people, there won’t be a Daily Planet, Lex. There will be a tabloid with the Daily Planet’s name on it. Trust me, you don’t want that. It would put you on the same playing field as Randy Goode, and we both know that you’re better than that,” Lois said, leaning casually against his weapons cabinet. She folded the list of redlined names and set it down next to her. “The Luthor name cannot be synonymous with Goode.”

Lex smiled. She wondered if he found her double meaning amusing.

“Not only are you better than Goode, you’re also better than Preston Carpenter. Yet, there you were on the newsroom floor this morning, telling people what stories they could and couldn’t work on, like some middle manager or hack publisher from some second-rate city paper. Have you forgotten that you’re the Lex Luthor? You own the Planet for heaven’s sake,” she said, knowing how much he liked it when she stroked his ego. It was one of his weaknesses. “You shouldn’t be bothering yourself with the day to day running of some newspaper you own. You’re better than that and your time is better spent elsewhere.”

His smile flashed brighter for a moment as he stared at her in a ravenous manner. “And, yet, my life still feels empty. None of this means anything to me without you, Lois,” Lex said, stepping closer as if he were a wild animal circling his prey. He played his part just as she knew he would. “Even controlling the planet isn’t enough, I need a bigger challenge. Marry me, Lois.”

Lois crossed her arms and gazed at him doubtfully. How romantic. “Aren’t I more of a challenge if I say ‘no’?”

Her words made him pause, but only for a moment. “Ah, but that’s where the challenge lies, Lois, pleasing you. Every day you’ll keep me on my toes and make my life interesting, give it meaning and goals, but I see you’ll need more of an enticement,” Lex said, continuing to approach. “I’ll give you the Daily Planet to do with as you please, if you say ‘yes’.”

They were just words, and they both knew it. Lois knew Lex would never really give her the Daily Planet. Then, again, she would never marry him, but she would give him the illusion of control, of power over her, just as he was giving it to her.

“Tempting offer, Lex…” Lois said, trying to sound hesitant.

Carte blanche. I promise you that the Daily Planet is yours, if…” Lex said, pulling out the ring box from his pocket again and holding it out to her. “If you do me the honor of agreeing to be my wife.”

The diamond seemed larger, heavier, than she remembered.

“Chip goes, and Perry runs the Planet as sole editor-in-chief, choosing his own staff,” Lois countered. If she was going to agree to this, she wanted him to know her upfront terms.

“I’ll reallocate Chip first thing in the morning,” Lex agreed.

Lois set her hand on top of his. “Then I’ll answer you in the morning, after you’ve spoken with Chip and Perry.”

“Don’t you trust me?”

“It’s nothing personal, Lex,” Lois replied, wishing that it was a complete lie, but knowing it wasn’t. “I’ve found life is simpler if I don’t trust anyone.”

“Not even Superman?” Lex asked.

“Why? Have you heard something?”

“Only what they’ve been saying on LNN,” he said.

All lies.

“So, you can trust a man from another planet, but you can’t trust me?” Lex shook his head and stepped back away from her.

“I never said that I trusted him, Lex,” Lois countered. Yet, she had completely since day one, since that first second. It was the main reason he had been able to broadside her on multiple occasions. Still, she trusted Clark more than she had ever trusted anyone before, despite what she told him the day he proposed. Trust was integral in handing over one’s heart to someone. She only wished she hadn’t stomped on Clark’s too badly.

“He trusts you. Maybe you can finally get that tell-all interview,” he suggested.

She chuckled. “You know for a man who doesn’t give one-on-one interviews himself, I find it ironic that you hate it when others are less than forthcoming.”

“I’m just an ordinary citizen…”

Lois threw him an expression of disbelief.

“Well,” he conceded. “A very wealthy ordinary citizen. Superman came forward as Earth’s very public new hero. If he wants us to believe this ‘truth and justice’ line he supposedly lives by, he shouldn’t hide behind his cape. People who hide everything about their private lives usually do so for a reason.”

Pot, meet kettle.

“Superman doesn’t trust me any more than you do,” she said.

“I…”

Lois set her finger over his lips. “If you trusted me, Lex, you wouldn’t have to threaten to fire my friends to get me to accept your proposal.”

Lex kissed her finger before taking it off his lips. “Would you have accepted me otherwise?”

She shrugged and returned to leaning against his weapons cabinet. “We’ll never know now, will we? If you want me to trust you, you’ll have to offer me something more than your word.”

“Fine.” He picked up the redlined paper from next to her and took it to his desk. He jotted a note on it and held it out to her. “Will that suffice?”

Lois took the paper.

I, Lex Luthor, hereby give Lois Lane, as an engagement gift, ownership of the Daily Planet. It was signed and dated.

Her hand and face fell. “You cannot be serious?”

“Transfer paperwork will be completed on our wedding day,” Lex said.

“Lex, I cannot accept this,” Lois said, holding out the paper. No matter how much I want to.

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” he asked in confusion.

“A prostitution charge to be added to my harboring a fugitive deal? Not really,” Lois replied sourly.

Lex took the ring out of the case. “Would you accept this token of my trust instead? If I go back on my word, you’re more than welcome to sell it.”

Run! Get out of there! Bolt! Her body protested as she held out her hand to him, causing it to shake slightly.

He smiled and slipped the ring onto her finger. “You don’t know how happy this makes me,” he purred, leaning in to kiss her lips.

So much for him keeping his business and pleasure separate.

Lois had always known Lex was a liar, and this proved it.

***End of Part 151***

Part 152

Comments

Last edited by VirginiaR; 05/03/14 12:37 AM. Reason: Fixed broken Links

VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
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"clearly there is a lack of understanding between those two... he speaks Lunkheadanian and she Stubbornanian" -- chelo.