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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,058 |
Oh I like the start of this. So is this about Mason and their long lost weekend? I am looking forward to part 2. Laura
Clark: “If we can be born in an instant, and die in an instant, why can’t we fall in love in an instant?”
Caroline's "Stardust"
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
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Nice start, I like the way you write from Lois' point of view. I too am looking forward to more!  ~Liz
Lois: Can I go?
Clark: No.
Lois: Oh come on, Clark, why do we go through this? We both know I’m going to go.
Clark: Then why do you ask?
Lois: I’m trying to be nice.
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
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Very nice story! When is the rest coming? I can't wait!!!! I really love the way you write from Lois's POV and I love the part you wrote about the "epiphany". Well, keep it up and bring us more! Julie 
Mulder: Imagine if you could come back and take out five people who had caused you to suffer. Who would they be?
Scully: I only get five?
Mulder: I remembered your birthday this year, didn't I, Scully?
(The X-Files)
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Kerth
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Kerth
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Posts: 2,217 |
"Practice up your shielding spells...and remember to duck if you see green light coming your way." Harry Potter to Wizengamot in OotP trial A Bad Week in the Wizengamot
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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Jo, this is lovely - but far too short!!! If the other five parts are going to be as short as this, you'd better compress them into two.  Love Lois remembering the night she ran to Clark for sympathy, and I adore her inviting him to share the bed with her. That just seems so right for them, even as friends. And, yes, she should have looked for more from him then! Adore this para: That floozy, I must admit, is his girlfriend. She has that of him, the part I desire most; a romantic love could grow between them, as it never could with us. He could never love me as I have come to love him, and even though he had confessed such yearnings previously, he amended them, claiming to have only said them to keep me from Lex Luthor. Whether that is true or not is no longer an issue. He has clearly moved on, just as I should. Concede defeat, and leave him to his new life. Mayson the floozy -  But other than that, this is beautifully poignant. Lois is really reflecting on missed opportunities, isn't she? I just hope she's not serious about conceding defeat...  MORE!! And longer next time! Wendy
Just a fly-by! *waves*
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
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Jo - You've done a great job catching what I see to be a real darkness in Lois's thinking at this point. As she comes to see that her feelings for Clark may be more than friendship but realizes that now he's involved with Mayson, I can really sense her despair. Good start - can't wait to see what happens. And if you continue to write from Lois's POV, it will be interesting to watch her turn-around if things go her way Lynn
You know that boy'd walk on water for you? Or he'd drown tryin'. -Perry White to Lois in Just Say Noah
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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Hi, Beautiful!  More ASAP, please. MAF 
Maria D. Ferdez.
---
Don't like Luthor, unfinished, untitled and crossover story, and people that promises and don't deliver. I'm getting choosy with age.
MAF
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Merriwether
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Merriwether
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Nice little intro. Quite short, but brings us to the point right away.
Lois is bummed, big time.
I think it is like Lois to admit defeat in this sense because she would never really admit that she was 'in the running' as a 'girlfriend'. She had always fluctuated between, 'I'm not interested in him as anything more than a friend', to 'He's not interested in me as anything more than a friend'.
More.
Tank (who figures that since he's already read this part, the next one can be posted)
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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Jocelyn A wonderful start! I can sense her despair.  I'm looking forward to reading the next part. Please post it soon. Tricia 
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Beat Reporter
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Beat Reporter
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This sounds like it's going to be really good!
doublel
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Top Banana
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Jo,
Absolutely beautiful. And so atmospheric. I can just see everything.
I love your inside of Lois' head. And I love the Clark she describes, the gentle soul in an ugly world.
Also, I know this was short, but it was very vivid, very effective as it is. I felt pulled in immediately.
CC
You mean we're supposed to have lives?
Oh crap!
~Tank
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Features Writer
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Features Writer
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Jo, echoing everyone's sentiments thus far - this is absolutely lovely, but way too short! I love this look inside Lois' head as she despairs that she's too late to ever have a romantic relationship with Clark, although she rejoices in the bond of friendship that can't be broken, romance with Mayson notwithstanding. And your description of Lois' moment of epiphany was just eloquent. He walked slowly to the bed, and I moved over to give him room, allowing him to slide underneath the bed cover and into the warmth of the previously occupied section. When I lay on the cool side of the bed, I shivered, the friction working to warm me again. Clark turned on his side beside me, and pulled me against his chest. I would have voiced a protest, but the connection of our bodies succeeded in warming me, where my shivering had not. It was pleasant, and as I drifted off to sleep once again, a smile conveyed my sentiments. A steady flow of rightness settled over me and I snuggled further into his welcoming embrace.
We slept for several hours, the day flowing into night, our solitary day off finished uneventfully.
I knew then that I had changed. I would have denied him a position beside me in that bed, for certain, had this occurred right after we met. I don’t know what it was that he had done to loosen me in such a way, but I know with great certainty that it was him who had done it. He was a gentle, beautiful soul in an ugly, untrusting world. Lovely. I hope you'll be posting more soon...very soon. Kathy
"Our thoughts form the universe. They always matter." - Babylon 5
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Beat Reporter
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Beat Reporter
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I can only echo everyone else in the "too short!" department, but I will add that it's a rare first-person POV story that's well written, and this one certainly is! I don't know why, but first person POV slips between past and present tense more easily than regular third person POV. Not only do you avoid that error, but you've got a really beautiful and evocative writing style. I'm not much of a romance reader, so give us MORE, and quick! Hazel
Lois: You know the deal.
Clark: Superman gets the guys in capes, Lois and Clark get the guys in suits.
-- Action Comics 827
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
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A quick chime in (taking a break from work before I go completely nuts) to tell you again how much I adore your story, Jo. Brilliant! Kaethel (who will BR part 2 as soon as possible, honest!!  )
- I'm your partner. I'm your friend.
- Is that what we are?
- Oh, you know what? I don't know what we are. We kiss and then we never talk about it. We nearly die frozen in each other's arms, but we never talk about it, so no, I got no clue what we are.
~ Rick Castle and Kate Beckett ~ Knockout ~
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Features Writer
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Features Writer
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Jo,
wonderful start-well written
and too short
more soon
merry
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Freelance Reporter
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Freelance Reporter
Joined: Aug 2003
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Oh wow! I never expected this kind of response, and I'm very thankful to all of you who enjoyed this part. Personally, I was very reluctant with this story -- I felt in many ways that the first part dragged on relentlessly, and that Lois would never get to where I wanted her to go. But now in retrospect I see that this really set my story up. That it really defined it, and to quote Martha Stewart, "It's a good thing." I appreciated everybody's comments and gentle suggestions for longer parts, there were a few comments I wanted to address: Laurach asked: So is this about Mason and their long lost weekend? Well, the way I sort of saw it initially, was the ill-fated kiss between Clark and Mayson that Lois saw through Clark's window, but in all honesty, it could really lie anywhere between the arrival of Mayson, and a before the almost-date, I would think. Hopefully, a conclusion can be seen by the end -- for me as well Wendymr said: You have a wonderful writing style - I'm very envious. Are ya kidding? Your stories were some of the stories that really got me reinterested in this fandom. If anyone is envious, it's me! Tank said: Lois is bummed, big time. Good summary -- maybe that's the description I should send along with it if I submit to archive  Hazel said: ...it's a rare first-person POV story that's well written, and this one certainly is! I don't know why, but first person POV slips between past and present tense more easily than regular third person POV. Not only do you avoid that error, but you've got a really beautiful and evocative writing style. Wow! Thank you! I'm glad I didn't commit a POV faux pas, although while reading over some of the parts I did find a slip up -- but it was promptly remedied! And thank you for that stylistic comment; it helps me define my writing when I can take the opinions of others. And thanks Liz, Julie, José, Maria, Lynn, Tricia, DoubleL, CC, Kathy, and Merry for your kind words, and equally appreciative prodding. Hopefully some of the parts in the future agree with your demands And a specially huge, thank you to Kaethel! She encouraged me, and gave me praise I never expected, and still leaves me blushing. You rock, my friend, in the best possible way. -Jo
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