Okay, Hasini! I am so so soso excited about this! Before I sit down and review the actual chapter, I have to sit here and reminisce on how wonderful it feels to have reviews for the very first time . . . <sits back and stares at ceiling>. I'm so very happy to welcome you to official "authordom" (I suppose, as another newbie in the group, I shall have to push some of the more experienced out of the way for the honor, but we do what we must, eh?).
Anyway, here we go!!
What? I haven't even started the story yet, and already I've found something to comment on: the title. Having read the challenge, I realize the basic idea of where you are heading, and I can't think of a title more appropriate. I don't want to say more, in case somebody doesn't know about the challenge and wants to be surprised, but know that I heartily approve and love the image that even your *title* gives. <excited shudder>
The room was suffused in the darkness of night, broken only by the slivers of moonlight, which filtered in between the drawn blinds.
The red light on the phone flared to life suddenly, a lone red eye blinking in the blackness.
One, two, three discreet, yet insistent rings. Then the voicemail picked up.
“Hi, you’ve reached the office of Carmen Martinez. I’m not available right now, so leave a message,”
A soft swear word. A slight hesitancy.
The caller spoke in a light tone. “Carmen, it’s me. I have to talk to you about those flowers you ordered for Ash’s party. Turns out she’s deathly allergic to carnations. Call me.”
A pause.
“Call me now ”.
Click.
In the otherworldly stillness of the room, a person listening to the message may have fancied that that last syllable was full of something akin to…menace.
Holy Valar, Hasini! I've known for a while that English wasn't your first language, but I have to say that I am already downright floored at the tone and complete chill and stillness that permeates throughout these first few lines. Your imagery and description is stunning, and catches the feeling of doom and tension even if we don't know what's going on . . . yet
However, the only occupant of the room was unlikely to hear anything ever again as her body lay cooling, a barely distinguishable form at the foot of the telephone stand.
!!!! Whatever *is* going on . . . there's no question that it is, quite literally, deadly serious.
I have to say, I love the domestic side of Lois. I love the picture of her at home, with Clark, but especially with Clark and kids. It just gives me warm fuzzy feelings all over (despite the lingering feeling of doom . . . )
Which both shows how responsible she is and how seriously she takes her role as a mother figure. Not to mention the fact that she *is* late, when she's apparently *never* late adds a lot to the questions shooting off everywhere from the scene of the murder . . .
Clark had dropped off the costumes before heading out to track down his wife half an hour ago
Uh oh. Clark's been gone a half an hour and *still* hasn't found her? Not good news.
The kids were smart enough to know that Lois would have called and apologized to them. Lois simply wasn’t the type of mother to relay her excuses through other adults.
Two things that make these sentences interesting--of course Lois and Clark's kids are going to be intelligent enough to know something's up, and secondly, again we're seeing how directly Lois is involved in her kids' lives. Goodness, has she turned into the ideal parent!?
“Aunty Ash, is she in trouble?” piped up Marta. She was dressed in her angel costume, unlike Lara who had insisted on being a donkey. Usually she was the more timid of the two, content to let her more outgoing sister ask the tough questions. “Is that why Daddy’s not here either?”
Love the picture of the little girl in an angel costume (especially since she's Lois and Clarks'!!). And it seems she seems to feel that something's not right, even beyond the fact that Mommy just hasn't shown up yet.
Aunty Lois says that whenever she gets in trouble with bad men, Uncle Clark has to come and save them before she can hurt them too bad
Lol! What a perfectly Lois response. Hehee.
I love the whole scene with the kids and the general chaos just before everything *finally* starts. Being the third of six kids, I can remember countless of such personal experiences--with me as one of the attention-needing kids or the overwhelmed adult.
(though I like to think it's more of the latter than the former
)
“Aunty Ash, I think Mommy’s in trouble,” Marta broke through insistently.
Why? Why?! You're bringing up so many questions, Hasini! You're going to have us all hooked and begging on bended knees for answers!
“He called her about the flowers!”
Ash froze.
The curtain bell rang out.
How is it that a simple statement about flowers can seem so ominous? I love how you've made these sentences so short, so frozen in shock, so disconnected after the noise and general hubbub around the kids.
“And in a full Men In Black ensemble, no less,” commented the woman, as naturally as though the remark was part of a conversation between them, muted to the world until that precise moment. “I hope you haven’t dragged me here to tell me more fairy tales. I’m nearly missing my daughters’ school nativity play as it is.”
lol. Perfect first appearance of Lois Lane. Cool despite the creepy guy dressed in black (nice description of him, btw!), completely uncowed, forward, and just . . . so Lois!
“You came alone,” said the man, as though she hadn’t spoken. “I didn’t expect that. I thought you’d outgrown your propensity for foolish stunts, Lois.”
Oh, no. Lois! I think we'd all hope the same thing, though that's clearly not the case. How has Clark stayed sane all of these years?
“Would I have been safer from your thugs if I had come with a cavalry?” returned Lois, a touch of sarcasm in her voice. “What makes you so sure I haven’t, by the way?”
“I’m not, which is one of the reasons why you aren’t dead yet,” returned the man.
Who is this guy? Again, I love how completely cool Lois is so far--I'd be freaking out. But even alone, she's completely in control of the situation.
“Like I said, more fairy tales,” Lois scoffed. “If you’d wanted me dead, Archer, I’d have been fodder for the earthworms for the past week. Since I’m not dead, I’d have to surmise that you don’t want me dead. Which means you are in fact, on my side. Being at anyone’s mercy is not a situation that’s arisen for me for the past ten years, and I’m not going to let it happen again.
So she hasn't been captured or anything in ten years? A miracle!
But what has caused the change? Clearly there's something going on here that makes Lois put herself back on that line of danger . . . But for what?
“How do I know it’s not a dud?” she asked suspiciously, taking it.
“You’ll have to trust me” the smirk on Archer’s face widened, irritatingly.
“Not as far as I can throw you,” Lois scoffed.
“I thought you said I was on your side? Like you said, I didn’t kill you did I?”
“For now. I know you’ll try when the time is right.” Lois didn’t betray a trace of fear.
Hearing this is like watching two talented swordsmen fence. They're both dancing around each other, testing the others' strengths and weaknesses. It's intriging to "listen" to.
Suddenly, a deafening explosion sounded as the jeep disintegrated into a furious ball of flame. Flaming wreckage was thrown high into the air, coloring the black, still water of Hob’s Bay fiery orange before they fell into its depths. Screeching tires and the sickening crunch of metal on metal were heard as other drivers frantically swerved to avoid being hit by the flying debris. Screams pierced the air.
What?! Noo!!!!!
Already? Already?! <dies>
He didn’t see the small figure in the bloodstained white coat lying unconscious and undiscovered, near the sidewalk of the highway, several feet away from the explosion.
Oh, Clark! Hurry and find her!
Hasini, you've dived into this story tooth and nail and I'm quite honestly . . . well, I was going to say speechless, but by all the writing I've done it's clear I'm not. Rather, I am so very, very, very impressed at your mastery of this very difficult language, of the vivid and beautiful/horrifying scenes and images that you've imprinted into my mind, and the veil of mystery and intrigue that you've drawn over the whole thing.
Congratulations and thank you so very much for sharing. I've always loved stories on the theme of lost memory, etc, and this is looking like it's going to be very, very good indeed. I'm certainly looking forward to more!
This being my first fic EVER, I promised myself I wouldn't post till I got at least five chapters written, but my muse is on strike and I need to do something crazy
Hopefully the reviews will help! They always help me!
Looking forward to your next chapter!
SmirkyRaven
