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Columnist
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OP
Columnist
Joined: Oct 2003
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Welcome to the boards! And congrats on your first story! You really had me going there for awhile. I had no idea how they were going to get out of this predicament. And then you threw the dream curveball. You are a very talented writer. I was with them all the way with the anguish and fear. Very well done!  But I must say, this screams epilogue, or another part, or a sequel, or something. He may have had his worst nightmare realized, well...in a nightmare, but he still didn't tell her. What's he going to do now that he had this terrible dream? Although, it could stay as it is. Not every story has a revelation. Maybe I was just thrown off by the wrapping up of the story sooner than I expected. You had me confused when you ended the part with "The End". I thought this was going to be the second part of 5. But after I took a second look, I'm guessing this was the last four parts. I assume this could have just been part 2/2, but I don't know how you organized it so that's all up to you. I really liked this. You really had me believing that it was all real. I was sitting here wondering how you were going to get them out of it. I hope to see more from you in the future.  ~Kristen
Joey: If he doesn't like you, then this is all just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion, you know, it just doesn't matter. It's "moo."
Rachel: Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense?
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Beat Reporter
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Beat Reporter
Joined: Apr 2003
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Wow! This was really good. I was confused too about how many parts this story would have. Turned out to be only two iso five. Thanks for sharing and welcome to the boards. Ursie
Lois: Well, I like my quirks. I think they make me unique.
Clark: You certainly are unique.
Clark: You're high maintenance, you know that?
Lois: But I'm worth it!
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 9,362 |
Hey, you made it. Welcome! I see what the others mean with the story headers. It's really just a story in two parts, as posted, so I'd suggest just labelling them: 1/2 2/2 LabRat
Athos: If you'd told us what you were doing, we might have been able to plan this properly.
Aramis: Yes, sorry.
Athos: No, no, by all means, let's keep things suicidal.
The Musketeers
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 3,145 Likes: 3
Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 3,145 Likes: 3 |
Unless, of course, "The End" doesn't actually mean it's over.
Life isn't a support system for writing. It's the other way around.
- Stephen King, from On Writing
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 94
Freelance Reporter
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Freelance Reporter
Joined: Mar 2006
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Hi, and thanks for all the kind words and support  I'm sorry about the confusion with the story parts...I got done with it sooner than I thought I would, so I decided to post all of it, instead of little by little. Yes, this definitely could have a second part. I was thinking about that possibility as I wrote it. But I wanted to show that Clark was(by the end)just happy that it was a dream and that ,at that point, nothing else mattered. Something like that dream/nightmare should have motivated him to climb through the window, and I considered that, but there is still a part of him that is unsure and not ready to tell her. I'll have to see if I can come up with something  Thanks again. FinLi
Clark: "Can I have a rat chief? Can I, huh? Please?"
Perry: "Clark, do you want me to send you to the dark room?"
Clark: "The dark room?"
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Freelance Reporter
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Freelance Reporter
Joined: Mar 2006
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Originally posted by LabRat: Hey, you made it. Welcome!
I see what the others mean with the story headers. It's really just a story in two parts, as posted, so I'd suggest just labelling them:
1/2
2/2
LabRat Yeah, that makes more sense..thanks for the tip
Clark: "Can I have a rat chief? Can I, huh? Please?"
Perry: "Clark, do you want me to send you to the dark room?"
Clark: "The dark room?"
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 9,362
Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 9,362 |
Arrgggh! Was halfway through a post when I messed up and lost it.  Okay...just read this over as I was GEing it for the Archive and I have to say - Yes! I agree. Sequel! <g> I really enjoyed this one, FinLi. There was some beautiful, emotional depth to the prose, particularly towards the end. This: Superman pulled and thrashed trying to free himself from the irons that held him. Something he could have crushed like a tin can, had they not been attached to the deadly glowing rock that was rapidly sapping his life force. He glanced at Lois as she lay on the floor, now only mere feet away. Her breathing was labored, her face ashen. He had watched as she had doggedly pushed and pulled her way to him. The sheer terror in her dark brown eyes cut him deeper and more painfully than what any amount of Kryptonite could. But she counted on him to rescue her when she was in danger. Even now he knew she had hope.
So he flung himself in her direction again and again. Each time dragging the rock with him, inch by excruciating inch. But being this close to such a huge piece of Kryptonite, the pain was searing and his strength was draining faster than it ever had.
He concentrated, trying to combine his will and strength for another lunge. “Just a few more feet” he told himself. But he collapsed, exhausted, his heart beating loudly in his ears. Raising his head off the hardwood floor his eyes again searching Lois’s. His heart lurched. Her eyes no longer met his, but were strangely fixed in a far away gaze.
“NOOOO Lois” he screamed.
He called out to her over and over, each time frantically clawing the remaining distance to her now still form, his fingers scratching gouges into the floor.
“Lois” His anguished call went unanswered. With a frustrated growl he used his remaining strength to gather her limp body into his arms. He cradled her gently, his hand cupping her face, his thumb caressing her cheek. He listened; her heartbeat was very slow.
“Lois” he sobbed, burying his face in her neck, rocking her gently. His heart ached with the sorrow of knowing there was nothing he could do now. She was dying. Dying without ever knowing who he really was and how much he loved her. Pulling back again, he gently pushed some hair out of her face with his fingers. He closed his eyes, no longer fighting the toxic energy radiating from the Kryptonite as it seeped into his body, spreading like a cancer, taking his life. Just like the poison was taking hers.
He pressed his lips softly to hers, a tear slowly sliding down his strong face. just about had me in tears. Beautifully rendered. His feelings for Lois come through so strongly here. Thanks for sharing! And I hope to see more from you soon! Sequel or new, don't mind. LabRat
Athos: If you'd told us what you were doing, we might have been able to plan this properly.
Aramis: Yes, sorry.
Athos: No, no, by all means, let's keep things suicidal.
The Musketeers
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Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Like everyone said, welcome to the boards! I really like your story. One of the things I really like is that you are honest about why Clark is lying to Lois. And why is he lying? Because he's a coward, of course! He wanted to tell her the truth, the truth that he had just saved a busload of children from from sliding off the road and then had diverted a toxic chemical spill. But because he hadn't had the guts to tell her the one very important detail about himself ...that he was Superman, he would just have to endure her bad mood. That's our Clark, all right! Adorable, but a lunkhead. :rolleyes: Ah, but he is adorable.  And he does love her. And she, of course, is our Lois, always getting herself in trouble but also always finding something scathing to say to the villains: She craned her neck to look up at the mountain of a man that held her; "You really should skip a meal every once in a while. Somewhere ther's a small county going hungry." ROTFLOL!  So all in all, welcome to the boards, and welcome back with your next story! Ann
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Features Writer
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Features Writer
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If you were trying to give me a heart attact, you succeeded.
"I'm red-eyed, tired and drunk" Teri Hatcher
"Fun will now commence" 7of9
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Hack from Nowheresville
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Hack from Nowheresville
Joined: Mar 2006
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excellent story! totally had me thinking there was a tank ending coming! I second (third, fourth...whatever) the call for a sequel!
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Merriwether
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Merriwether
Joined: Apr 2003
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If I may offer my opinion in the form of some constructive criticism.
As the others have said, this is generally well-written. The characters were well drawn, and their actions and emotions rang true.
For me, though, you left out one important thing... the payoff. You created a very intense and emotional scenario but basically left it hanging. Yes, we find out in the end that our duo is actually okay, and that is was all just a bad dream that Clark had. But we still need to know two things. *Why* did Clark have the nightmare, and what are the *consequences* of that nightmare. It could be something as innocent as having anchovie and pineapple pizza before going to bed, or it could be some sort of message from his subconscious. Does Lois' typical leap before she looks investigative style worry him more than he realizes? Or, is it tied to the fact that he's beginning to realize that he can't keep lying to her about himself? What if, god forbid, one of them met an untimely death? How would he feel if he, or she, died without ever knowing the real truth?
As written, to me, the whole emotional, deadly scenario comes off as gratuituous because it doesn't lead to anything. Nothing is learned from the horrific nightmare, even though it was only a dream
I have to admit that as I read, I fully expected there to be a revelation before the finish. It seemed like a natural resolution, but it wouldn't necessarily need to be. But I do think that Clark should have entertained some sort of thoughts along those lines as a consequence of the unsettling nature of his nightmare.
I could easily see a denoument where Clark is hovering above Lois' apartment going through the process of wondering if the nightmare was his guilty subconscious' way of telling him he needed to come clean with Lois... or, maybe he just shouldn't have had that cold pizza right before going to bed.
Please realize that I'm not telling you how to write your stories, I just wished to point out that I felt you needed to show that for Clark, the dream had some consequences beyond just a bad memory and a feeling of relief upon waking.
Over all, a good effort. I look forward to reading more from you.
Tank (who has to make sure that the writer knows that this is just his opinion and can be disregarded without a second thought)
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Freelance Reporter
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Freelance Reporter
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Originally posted by SJH:
If you were trying to give me a heart attact, you succeeded. Then I guess my job is done here  
Clark: "Can I have a rat chief? Can I, huh? Please?"
Perry: "Clark, do you want me to send you to the dark room?"
Clark: "The dark room?"
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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Welcome to the boards, FinLi!  I thoroughly enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your work. Tricia 
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Freelance Reporter
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Freelance Reporter
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Originally posted by TriciaW: Welcome to the boards, FinLi! I thoroughly enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your work.
Tricia Thanks for the support 
Clark: "Can I have a rat chief? Can I, huh? Please?"
Perry: "Clark, do you want me to send you to the dark room?"
Clark: "The dark room?"
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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FinLi - Once I got to the end, I loved your story. :-) I'm not a lover of deathfic, but you made this one okay for me. Pulled at my heart strings and brought tears to my eyes.
And my opinion is probably different from the other opinions on the board, but I'm glad you didn't turn this into a revelation story. For me there will only be one revelation story (And the Answer Is/We Have A Lot To Talk About). I like that you left it open for everyone to make up there own minds and their own endings in that respect.
I like that this story can stand on it's own, but blends so nicely into the series. On another board you mentioned that you thought it could easily fit in right before "And the Answer Is" and I agree. I could see Clark waking up from this dream and the next morning calling Lois to see if she wanted to have breakfast at Callard's and planning to spill the secret to her.
Great job! Look forward to more.
Smile and the world smiles with you ... frown and you're just giving yourself wrinkles.
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Freelance Reporter
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Freelance Reporter
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Originally posted by L&C4ever:
FinLi - Once I got to the end, I loved your story. :-) I'm not a lover of deathfic, but you made this one okay for me. Pulled at my heart strings and brought tears to my eyes.
And my opinion is probably different from the other opinions on the board, but I'm glad you didn't turn this into a revelation story. For me there will only be one revelation story (And the Answer Is/We Have A Lot To Talk About). I like that you left it open for everyone to make up there own minds and their own endings in that respect.
I like that this story can stand on it's own, but blends so nicely into the series. On another board you mentioned that you thought it could easily fit in right before "And the Answer Is" and I agree. I could see Clark waking up from this dream and the next morning calling Lois to see if she wanted to have breakfast at Callard's and planning to spill the secret to her.
Great job! Look forward to more. Thank you so much for the positive feedback. I'm glad you could see where I wanted to go with it. I had forgotten that I hadn't mentioned about "And the answer is..." being a sequel to my story on this board. Thanks for the reminder. I'm glad I could write something that people like, even though it may contain subject matter that might not be pleasant. Thanks for taking the time. I appreciate it  FinLi
Clark: "Can I have a rat chief? Can I, huh? Please?"
Perry: "Clark, do you want me to send you to the dark room?"
Clark: "The dark room?"
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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Hi, Great part. No fuss no muss. With him gone, I will destroy Clark Kent and the Daily Planet. Then my syndicate can move in, take over Metropolis and then.” He raised his arms high; fists clenched, laughing hysterically “the world.”
“You do know you’re crazy don’t you?” Lois informed him matter-of-factly.  OMG! “It was just a bad dream,” he tried to reassure himself. Lois was at home right now, safe, asleep in her bed. You are
Maria D. Ferdez.
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Don't like Luthor, unfinished, untitled and crossover story, and people that promises and don't deliver. I'm getting choosy with age.
MAF
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Freelance Reporter
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Freelance Reporter
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“It was just a bad dream,” he tried to reassure himself. Lois was at home right now, safe, asleep in her bed. You are I get that a lot  I'm working on two new ones right now
Clark: "Can I have a rat chief? Can I, huh? Please?"
Perry: "Clark, do you want me to send you to the dark room?"
Clark: "The dark room?"
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