The next day, Alsdair and Penny approached the gate of the convent. This time, Alsdair had a heavy hood covering his features so the prioress wouldn’t recognize him. He had coached Penny not to point him out to the prioress, but let her assume he was at worst a servant and at best, her protector.
“Ye have such an innocent face lass, they’ll ken that ye need a man to watch over ye,” he said, laughing at her expression.
“I don’t need you! I don’t know why I agreed to help you. You’re only going to—“ she suddenly turned away from him, wishing she could hide her true feelings from him the way he always did from her.
“Aye lass? Out with it now,” he coaxed gently.
“You’re just going to end up abandoning me… And then I’ll be alone again, without anyone,” she pouted, knowing she sounded selfish.
“Lass, I’ll take care of ye. Have no fear in that. I’ll help ye piece together yer family’s past, I told ye I would.” He turned her towards him. “Lass, dinna cry. Listen to me.” Gently he lifted her chin up to his gaze, seeing her love for him in his eyes. “One day ye’ll find a lad just right for ye, but I’m no’ him, lass. I belong to another, and that’s why I must go after her. Don’t ye see?”
She nodded. “It’s just that---oh, I don’t know,” she pulled herself away from him, wishing she wouldn’t cry. “I believed in you,” she whispered.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked.
“Well, you came to me at just the right moment, opened my eyes to what I might be, and I believed in you. I believed in you to take me to Scotland and to find my family… I always thought you’d be there for me…”
“I am lass, and I will be. Can ye no’ see yer being a wee bit selfish now? I’ve brought you to Scotland, and I won’t abandon ye, but the love of my life is but a church wall away, lass! Can ye no’ help me?” His eyes pleaded, and at last she agreed. But she couldn’t help the tugging at her heart, the pain that those eyes weren’t alight with love for her, but another woman. And it wasn’t that she loved him greatly, though she cared for him, it was that he was the first man to show her a kind word, to flirt gently with her because she was Penny and not because she was female. But she couldn’t tell him these things. So she simply brushed aside her tears and took his arm.
“I’m sorry, Alsdair. Truly… Let’s go. Let’s rescue your damsel.”
~//~
“What can I do for ye, child?” asked the nun at the gate.
“I—I believe that you may be able to help me. I’m an orphan and I’m trying to piece together my past.” As Alsdair told her, she pulled out her locket. “This is all I have. I wondered---“
“Jesu! It couldn’t be possible!” said the old lady, opening the gate and startling both Penny and Alsdair.
They looked askance at each other. They hadn’t actually expected the old prioress to recognize the locket!
“What?” asked Penny, trembling.
“Come in, lass. There’s much to talk about.”
Penny looked over her shoulder at Alsdair. “He must accompany me. He’s my--- protector.”
“I’m sorry lass, but we canna have a man not of the cloth enter these halls…”
“But, he’s been with me for a long time… and, he’s blind! He can’t stand out here all alone…” Penny prided herself on thinking of that one so quick. She didn’t dare look at Alsdair, fearing she’d laugh.
“Well, all right. I suppose…. There is much I want to talk to ye about…”
~//~
They sat in the common room, where the nuns gave Penny and her mysterious companion a drink of tea. And for a blind man, he was terribly observant. He searched the face of each nun that passed them, praying he would find the one he sought….
“That locket I saw many years ago,” began the nun once they were settled. “Soldiers had brought two babes, and not long after yer mother and father came. But it was too late. Ye and yer brother were long gone…”
“My—my brother? I have a brother?” said Penny, startled at this news.
“Och, aye. I suppose ye wouldn’t know, would ye? But yes, ye have a twin! I dinna know where he got to, but I could always try and find records…”
“Please do!” Penny smiled brilliantly. “Did you hear that, Alsdair?”
“Aye,” he answered quietly.
“Tell me about my mother. Is there anyone here who may have spoken with her? I want to learn more about her…”
“Well, I dinna know…” then suddenly she turned. “I think Sister Luke spent a moment with her, but that was so long ago. I doubt she even recalls…”
“Could I speak with her? Please?” asked Penny, her eyes shining with irresistible hope.
“Well, I suppose… Sister Maria, could ye fetch Sister Luke?”
The nun nodded and rushed out to seek her.
~//~
Sister Luke was sorting through the bandages in the infirmary. She had become a nursing sister during her stay here. She looked out the tiny stone window, recessed, through a wall three feet thick. She felt that distance from her other life---her other love. She said a quick prayer, as she always did when she thought of him. And as always, felt the bitterness of having loved and been loved, and having lost it so quickly.
She kissed her rosary, murmured something under her breath, and shook off the old feelings. It had been more than twenty years, and yet the pain of it was still fresh in her heart. She loved Alsdair still, and felt that God would forgive her for it. It was her one vanity, the one thing she couldn’t leave behind, for to do so was to betray herself as well as his memory.
But life had moved on for her in other respects. She found some measure of happiness helping those less fortunate and tending the sick. Those outside these walls told her she had a gift for healing. But for each she tended she wondered if she had known where Alsdair had been on the field of battle, if she would have been able to save him. If she had only been a more courageous woman, would she have him with her now?
“Sister Luke!” came a cry from the hallway.
“Aye?” she asked, turning. Even her habit couldn’t hide the beauty that she was. Her eyes, a fierce green, betrayed the strong spirit within. Her translucent skin flushed red, as if being caught in a sin, for she had been thinking of Alsdair and not on her work…
“There’s someone here for you!” said the novice.
“Oh, don’t tell me it’s Doctor Wilton. I dinna feel like explaining to him
again---“ she began, frustrated.
“Oh, no! It’s a young lass. She came with a strange hooded man… She seems to think ye may remember something about her past.”
Intrigued, Sister Luke followed Sister Maria to the common room. She noticed the young girl first. She was very pretty, in the fullness of youth, and Sister Luke felt a touch of envy. I had once been young… But there was something else about the girl that stirred a memory, if she could only place it.
“Yes, child?” she asked, setting down a basket of bandages.
Penny couldn’t help herself, she curtsied to the lady, for she seemed so regal and distant, not simple like a lot of the nuns here.
“I---I was hoping you could help me,” Penny said, showing her the locket.
Sister Luke kneeled close to the girl. It was the first time she noticed her hidden companion. She couldn’t see the man’s face, for the hood was pulled down in such a way. But he seemed pensive, and she thought him odd.
Sister Luke took the locket in her fine hands, her long fingers feeling the pattern of the filigree. “Oh, yes… I do remember,” she whispered, eyeing the girl who sat before her with anxious eyes.
“A man had brought a woman here who was near death—ages ago. I was yet a novice, and still--- well, she had birthed twins… And I had held you and your brother---“
“My brother? You remember him?” asked Penny, glancing at Alsdair.
“Oh, aye. I’m sorry you didn’t know him… but I suppose they wouldn’t tell you. Where did you end up, child?” her voice was smooth and warm, utter comfort to Penny.
“France. I was raised in a convent in Le Havre. I was supposed to be on my way to be a governess in London, when I met---my companion.”
For the first time Sister Luke really looked at the man in the hood. His features were still well hidden in shadow, and he looked to her as if he was trying to get the courage to look her in the face.
“Show yourself sir. For why should ye hide, having done such a good deed as to bring this child here,” she said commandingly.
Alsdair more than anything wanted to show himself to her, to reveal who he was, and that he knew who she was… but he didn’t want to do it here, with so many watchful eyes. He knew it would be an intense moment when he revealed himself to her, and he wanted it on his own terms.
So he disguised his voice, “I have a disfigurement which I’d rather not show.”
Penny eyed him sharply, wondering at this new ruse. But then she looked back at Sister Luke, guessed at her age, and realized that this was probably the woman he sought. She was the only nun they had met who could be beautiful enough and sharp enough to capture her Highlander’s heart. Her mouth widened to a round ‘o’ as she tried to figure the best way to get the two of them out of sight of the other nuns. For she knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to reveal Alsdair’s identity here.
“Sir, ye should have no shame here among the sisters,” chimed in Sister Isabelle.
Penny piped up quickly. “Trust me, to see him, you would become rather upset… Tell me, Sister Luke, more about my brother.”
“Oh, well I don’t know. I believe he was taken to St. Cecilia’s, as you were when ye left here. And if you ended up in France, heaven only knows where he might have gotten to…”
“Could you come with us to St. Cecilia’s to inquire? Perhaps you might know who to ask?” Penny smiled, proud of herself for killing two birds with one stone…
Sister Luke looked for approval from the prioress. “I do have those bandages to deliver on the way. I usually take them over on Tuesdays, but they are ready now and a day early won’t hurt anything… I don’t see any harm in helping the child.”
Sister Isabelle thought about it a moment. “All right. You are responsible for your actions outside our gates… Just remember that.”
~//~
Alsdair’s heart was pounding as they left the convent. He knew they had to keep the ruse up just a little longer, until they were well out of sight of the convent.
Penny helped by asking Sister Luke tons of questions about being a nun.
“I grew up with nuns, and I always thought they were so mysterious. Are the orders much different here than in France?”
“Well, never having been to France, I can’t tell you… Oh, here is the Mullin’s house. I must stop here a moment. Would ye mind staying at the gate?”
Penny shook her head no and waited till Sister Luke was out of sight before turning to him.
“It’s her, isn’t it?” she asked quietly.
“Oh, aye,” Alsdair answered, his throat thick with emotion. He hadn’t realized he’d been on the verge of tears until he tried speaking again.
“How are you going to tell her?” Penny asked.
“I don’t know. I’ve been debating that question since I saw her… I dinna think flinging my cloak off and saying, ‘it’s me!’ is a good idea, but I can’t think of a better way…”
Penny sighed. “St. Cecilia’s is a block away. I’ll meet you there. Wait for her, and then tell her. You must tell her… and I know you must do it alone.”
“Thanks for understanding, lassie,” he said, smiling that way that made her heart flip. “Look lass, dinna be sad about it. You’ll always be my lucky penny… but she—“
“She’s your princess,” Penny answered, beginning to walk away.
“Aye, she is that.”
~//~
Sister Luke came out of the gate and couldn’t find her companions.
“Penny?” she called, a touch of fear in her voice.
Alsdair came up beside her, having been waiting on a nearby bench. “Penny went on ahead. I wanted to talk to you alone,” he said, still disguising his voice.
“Sir, if you mean to harm me---“ she began, stepping away from him.
“You have nothing to fear from me,” he said quietly, in his normal voice. “Ye never have.”
They stopped there in the street, Sister Luke in between fright and shock, for suddenly Alsdair removed his hood, and stood staring at her, his eyes wet with emotion.
Sister Luke couldn’t speak. She felt her heart suddenly in her throat, now caught between joy and disbelief.
“Is it—is it really you?” she asked, stepping back to grip the gate, trying to ground herself. Surely he wasn’t real!
“Aye, tis me,” he whispered, reaching out to touch her as she seemed near a faint.
A shock of some kind sparked when he touched her arm. They both felt it, even through the thick fabric of her habit. She looked at his hand, then his face. “I thought---I was told ye were dead!” she cried, suddenly collapsing in his arms, tears pouring down her face.
“I’m alive… aye, though barely. Had I known ye were here….”
“Where did ye think I was?” she asked shyly.
“The Americas.”
They were silent a moment, letting the significance of seeing each other sink in. Then she finally asked, her own voice catching a bit, “What kept ye for twenty long years?”
“Prison… The English dinna look kindly on Jacobites…”
She nodded. “I prayed for ye, everyday… And—and I was torn between wanting to hold your memory close to me, and l—leaving that life behind for another,” she said, tears still falling down her cheeks.
He held her close, wiping the tears with his fingers.
“I’m here now. I’ll never leave you…”
They stood in each other’s arms, one the hooded man, the other, the nun. Then, Sister Luke finally remembered herself and stepped away from him.
“Oh, if the Mother Superior hears about this…” she mumbled.
“You’re not going back, are you?” he asked incredulously.
“Well, no… yes… I don’t know. I can’t just leave everything behind. I’ve taken my vows… I---oh, what am I to do!” she began to cry again, this time bitterly, for she was well bound to the Church.
She looked up at him, pleading for him to understand. “If I leave, I’ll be excommunicated… and yet, I canna stay… oh, Mother Mary, help me!”
“Clara, listen to me!” he said, shocking her by using her name.
“I—I haven’t been called that since----since you left,” she said quietly.
“You are still Clara… I see it in your eyes… You haven’t given yourself to the Church entirely yet, despite whatever vows ye have made.”
She stood before him, quietly trembling. “Ye always could cut me to the quick, see right through me. Aye, I haven’t entirely given myself over, and it’s been my torment. Because, part of me---“
She covered her face in her hands, trying to brace herself. “Part of me always wanted to believe that—you’d come back.” She whispered this last, afraid to look at him.
“Oh, Clara. I knew I’d find ye again. I knew it… Perhaps if ye explain…”
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll still be banished from the church for forsaking my vows.”
“Surely God would not condemn you in this. We were married. Albeit for a short time, but we were… And I’ve always been married to ye in my heart, Clara. There’s been no other.”
She turned to him, her face wet still from crying. At last she spoke. “I need time… I need to speak to the Mother Superior. But Alex, most of all, I need you.”
~//~
They were quiet walking to St. Cecilia’s. They didn’t go in, they didn’t need to, for Penny was already waiting for them up front.
“They had no solid answers for me… They said that my brother had been raised here in Edinburgh, but they didn’t know where. They gave me the name of a couple of orphanages… and—they told me his name. Connor.”
She looked up at them, tears welling up in her eyes. Alsdair felt a moment’s guilt, having been so wrapped up in his own drama that he forgot this poor sweet girl was suffering as well.
“We’ll find him, Penny. Dinna fash yourself,” he said.
They walked to the inn that they were staying in, and Alsdair left Penny behind to walk Clara back to the convent. The couple was silent on the way back, not holding hands, but very much aware of the other’s presence.
At the gates Clara turned to him. “Life can be so unfair… Why must we be reunited now, when things are so different? When I know I love ye, but am not sure if I can-- be a wife to ye…”
He leaned over and gently kissed her cheek.
“I’ll give ye all the time ye need. But please, come back to me. I’ve waited long enough…”
“Aye, so have I… Give me a week to think. I’ll figure something out… And Alex, I do love you.”
He watched her disappear into the cloisters. He was bitter about finding her, for she had changed. But he knew that somehow they could make it right again. If only they could have one more chance…
~//~
Sister Luke went straight to her cell, not daring to look at a single person she passed on the way. She wished for the moment, that she could even hide from God. That she was somewhere far away from these cloisters where she could hold and examine the joy all to herself. “He’s alive!” She whispered happily to herself. “Thank you! Thank you!” She realized then and there that she really never was meant to be a nun, for she never was so fervent in her prayers as that moment.
Could she get out of her vows? Could she return to the outside world and be once more his wife.
His wife. Those words at once shot a feeling of excitement and fear in her. She had been trained, and beaten, and prayed out of being a woman, that she was just a vessel for the Lord to use… Well, couldn’t it be that she was made to be with Alex? That the convent only kept her safe until he could return to claim her?
Oh, what ridiculous notions. I sound like a school girl! She held her arms around her, still sensing his touch. She felt the old stirrings renew again, and wept with the joy of it. But she also recognized the part of her that changed, the part of her that wanted to be happy here and had accepted her role here. Could she forsake all that? She believed she could, she wanted to. But in the end, she knew that it would take a lot of courage to leave here. And surely, God would not forsake her if she did. Didn’t He bring her Alex back to her?
Suddenly there was a knock at the door.
“Yes?” she answered breathlessly, feeling guilty.
“The Mother Superior wants a word with you.” It was Sister Mary, one of her few friends in this dark place.
Clara opened the door. “What happened out there?” asked Mary. “The Mother Superior is furious with you!”
Clara sighed deeply, wondering who told and what they had seen. She hadn’t done anything too rash, had she? After all, he was her husband, whom she thought was dead! It’s a wonder she didn’t disgrace herself further!
“Thank you, Mary,” she said, and headed down the hallway.
Sister Mary looked after her as if she wanted her to have told her more.
“Maybe later?” the sister said to the empty corridor.
~//~
“Enter.”
The Mother Superior’s office was austere and foreboding. In this room, Clara felt as if she had truly sinned, though in her heart, she knew she hadn’t done anything really wrong. He was her husband!
“Sister Luke,” the Mother Superior began. “You have been with us for nearly twenty years. You took your final vows almost five years ago. So tell me, why were you found in the arms of a man this afternoon?”
“Who told?” was the first thing she said, shocking herself, for all down the hallway she had planned to act contrite and try and explain the situation to the old woman in rational terms. But now!
“Sister Luke! I am asking the questions! What were you doing?”
Clara sat there a moment, silent. Trying to compose herself, though her emotions were still raw. Eventually she got up courage to look the Mother Superior in the eye, her own eyes wet with tears that threatened to fall.
“He is my husband. I thought he had died twenty years ago…” Having said this, out loud finally, was her breaking point. She wept in front of the one person with whom she knew she wouldn’t find any compassion.
“My child, you have taken your vows. You are no wife except to Christ. I am sorry. But there is nothing I can do.”
“What do you mean? Am I to stay here forever, when my happiness is beyond these walls? That is impossible!”
“I am afraid it is impossible for you to leave. After prayer and time, you will forget about him---“
“I haven’t forgotten over the twenty years I have been here! I could never forget him!” she said through clenched teeth.
“My dear, I am afraid if you leave, you will face dire consequences. The Lord judges harsh those who forsake Him.”
“I would not be forsaking Him! I would be only forsaking my vows to this Church. How can I turn away when the Lord has offered me this miracle? My husband is a Lazarus! Risen from the dead! I thought he was gone, and here he is! I cannot just turn my back.”
“And you cannot just turn your back on the Church either. Think about it. Make no rash decisions. Your mortal soul is in danger if you do.”
~//~
Back in her room, Clara went over what the old woman said. Was she in mortal danger? She couldn’t be. She just wouldn’t believe that God would bring Alex back just to condemn her in her present life. She wouldn’t!
She looked over at the crucifix hanging in her room. He didn’t condemn her, she was sure of it. She suddenly felt the contradictions of her religion. Why was it not practiced in the Church what the Lord said? Judge not, lest ye be judged.
She decided then that she would go to Alex, though she knew not where he was. And she made a promise to God as she began to pack her meager belongings, that if God didn’t forsake her, neither would she forsake Him.
As she packed, she realized she didn’t know where to begin to look for Alex. He hadn’t revealed where he was staying. And how would it look, a nun to be running about the place, looking for a man? And even though she knew she risked bringing condemnation upon her, she did not want to bring any harm to the convent, despite what she may think of some of the ideas fostered here.
She sat down on her small bunk and began to cry. She was different inside, but she knew that Alex could awaken the old Clara again if she could give him a chance. She never was quite good at being a nun, and she hoped that she could be a wife again. She loved Alex so…
“May I come in?” It was Sister Mary. Clara didn’t say no, so Mary let herself in and shut the door.
“It’s him, isn’t it?” Mary said, her eyes shining. Mary was a simple girl, and very eager. One lonely night, Clara had told her whole story to the girl, making her swear never to breathe a word of it. Sometimes Clara regretted telling anyone here, as when she was melancholy, thinking of him, she wanted that all to herself, and knew if she ran into Mary in the hallway after crying or thinking too much on what could have been, that Mary knew the real reason for it.
“Yes, it is him… Oh, what am I to do?” Clara cried, falling onto her pillow.
“Go to him,” Mary said simply.
Clara sat up, suddenly. “And you wouldn’t condemn me for it? You don’t think---“ Clara began.
Mary smiled. “Judge not, lest ye be judged,” she said, echoing Clara’s thoughts, which she took as a sign of God’s approval. “No, Sister Luke, I wouldn’t judge you, and I don’t think He would either.” She pointed to the crucifix.
“But---how can I go be a wife after twenty years of---“ Clara murmured pitifully.
Mary, for the first time looking very wise, took her hand. “Before I entered these walls I loved a man,” she blushed. “He died in battle. But, if he appeared to me today, like your man has, I think I would have to go back to him. He would… teach me again, I think.”
“Sister Mary!” Clara cried out, a little shocked. But it shocked her into a laugh.
“Well… I don’t think all of us are meant to be here. But the time we are here we do learn. About God, about ourselves. And I think that you can take those lessons with you into your marriage, to enrich it. And I don’t think you will be condemned for it.”
“Oh, Mary!” she exclaimed, hugging the girl. “Thank you!”
“So when are you leaving?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know where he is. And I am sure if he comes to these gates that they will not make the mistake of letting him in again…”
“I work by the front gate, in the scullery. I will keep an ear out. If he comes, I’ll let him know that you want to come to him but cannot. I am sure your man will figure out how to get you out from these walls,” she smiled.
“You are wicked!”
“Aye, I know. I’ll be sure to say an extra few Hail Mary’s this afternoon. For you as well!”
~//~
I know I've been slow posting, but it seems people are reading, which is good. I'm genuinely curious what you all think. I wrote this story a good ten years ago or more, and I fear some of the situations are a little cliché. But I love the characters and the setting. Please let me know what you think over
here!
