Lois & Clark Forums Forums General Discussion Off Topic Help! The Talk (No, not that one, the other one.)

Okay, I know it was inevitable, but it's actually happened: my daughter has a boyfriend. (She's a junior in highschool; he's a sophomore who has been a friend for a couple of years).

So now it's time for Dad to make it clear that her parents expect her to be treated with respect. Man to boy, as it were. So, other than the country song about cleaning your gun , who's had that talk with a young man? Who's had it with a girlfriend's dad? What was said? Was it helpful? Would you do it differently? Let us learn from your mistakes or successes.

Oy. Let me know how it goes. We'll have three [or more :p ] of those conversations. And we have to teach DS how to treat girls...

Carol

I am the father of two daughters. My older daughter (25) has not been the success in her personal life that her younger sister (18) has been (so far). My take is this: If your daughter understands what is expected of her - and agrees that those expectations are not only valid but very important - then it's far more likely that you and she will get along better in the "dating discussion" arena.

And I believe that you should sit down with the boy/young man and let him know what your expectations are. If you don't have a good feeling about his intentions, I suggest a conversation with his parents would be in order.

I don't know how effective this advice would be for you, but as a dad (and as a man) I like it. And if your daughter is on board with your expectations, it should help ease your mind.

Also, it helps a lot if the girl understands not just what's expected of her, but what she should expect of any potential boyfriend. When she truly understands the amount of respect he ought to have for her opinions, her family, her choices... then anyone who fails that test will not get a second chance from her.

PJ

In this day and age I don't know if the father of the girl would be allowed to talk to the guy she was dating. His parents might not like it. I think you are better talking to her and let her know what you expect of her. And let her know you are there for her no matter what she needs to tell you.

IMO - if his parents have an issue with my husband telling their son he better treat his little girl with respect then that's a big red flag for me. If they wanted to have the same conversation with my daughter [or my son someday], I'd understand that as well. We're not talking death threats or anything.

And my children will not be dating anyone I'm not 'allowed' to talk to.

We already have starting having these conversations with my daughters [at age appropriate levels] but if parents have a serious issue with my husband telling their son he won't get to take our daughter out if he sits in the car and honks or if he pressures her or brings her home after curfew without a REALLY good reason etc, then he probably won't be taking her out. And my son will know that we expect those things of him as well - and that we'd expect the girl to tell us if he wasn't living up to those expectations, just like we'd want our daughters or their boyfriends to tell us.

Just my .02...

Oh, I'm sure they won't mind. If they do, it will be a very short relationship.

Actually, I know our daughter shares our values, and I'm relatively sure that her friend does, too, but, as Terry said, I think it would be helpful to make our expectations clear. I'm thinking that Dad should talk to boyfriend in a similar way as he would talk to our own son about how a gentleman treats a lady. And, yes, I've been talking to my girls (and boys) for years about the level of respect that girls deserve from their boyfriends. I think having Dad talk with boyfriend also sends the message that our daughter has 'backup' as it were. I think it helps if both parties in the relationship know that she is valued by her family. It's also a bit of a test of his intentions. If he can't be bothered to talk with her dad, then he can't be that serious about treating her well.

I will say that he did well for their first 'date.' He invited her to a college football game with his family. The two of them had seats seperate from the others, but when it started pouring rain at halftime, they all adjurned to his uncle's nearby office rec room to watch the second half indoors. His parents, sister, aunt and uncle were all there, and they made sure she called us to tell us about the change of venue and make sure it was alright with us. Then last weekend was a school square dance. He needs planning lessons, though; they arrived seperately and he was a little late, so she already had a different partner by the time he got there. Then he remarks at the break "I wish they'd let us pick our own partners. I don't like just being assigned." To which she replies, "Well, I got here on time and I did get to pick." Oops! I told her she should tell him that if he wants to be sure to dance with her, then next time they should arrive together. So much to learn.

Terry, have you talked just to your daughters, or also to their beaux? The kid's only 15, and we don't want to terrify him, but I do think that, as you say, we should make our expectations clear.

You said that much better than me .

Glad it's going well so far!

I think you do want to scare him just a little bit, but just so he's afraid of what might happen to him if he crosses the line that has already been made clear to him. I agree that you don't want him to be afraid of you.

Yes, we had the "talk" with our older daughter's boyfriend way back when, but unless the daughter is on board with the plan it doesn't do much good. I have something of an advantage, since I'm six feet four inches tall and I lift weights for my health and I can intimidate the boys just a little. It has worked a lot better with the younger daughter's boyfriends - so far.

I also think that the "talk" doesn't have to be a big huge hairy deal, just a few private moments to let him know that you trust him to behave but if he doesn't that you'll be "very disappointed" with him. (This is where you lean in close, stare deeply into his eyes, and let him know about your cousin in the construction business who specializes in pouring concrete.)

Does this cousin often work near large bodies of water?

LOL, Terry!

My husband will certainly be tempted to use this line from "Clueless": "I have a .45 and a shovel. I doubt you'd be missed."

PJ

But on a more serious note, expectations are, in part, very practical things that can vary between households, so it only makes sense that you explain them. When it's time for a date, does he text her from the car? Does he need to come up to the door? Do you expect him to come inside and make polite conversation with the family -- every time, or just occasionally? What time is curfew, how often/under what circumstances will she need to call home? What sorts of movies are okay to go to/watch with friends? What items of clothing are you uncomfortable with? (Kid comes to my door wearing a "Party Naked" t-shirt, he'll be told my daughter has gone to join a convent. Either that, or I'll suddenly remember her urgent need to work on homework. Or wash her hair. You know, whatever.)

If you've been talking to your daughter all along and she's on the same page, I think it might be wise to get her contributions to the list; that gives her ownership of it and might help her stand up for it if the boy bad-mouths it. Plus she might have some really good ideas.

Good luck.
PJ

I always think it's revealing to see if/how much a person leaves for a tip at a restaurant, or just in general, how does he treat "the little people" in his life. But that's one thing I wouldn't want to discuss with the potential date, just mention to my daughter beforehand. If he'll behave badly to the waitress now, he'll behave badly to you eventually.

I think the parents need to do a little intimidation. You would be surprised how many parents put all the responsibility for a "baby" not happening on the girl. I have heard mothers claim the girl was just out to trap her son. As a woman I find it appalling that the attitude still exists of boys will be boys and have needs and that if a girl gets pregnant it is all her fault. The last I knew it took 2 people in some shape or form for that to happen.

Back ages ago when my brothers were starting to date my mother sat my brothers down and told them if they didn't want to marry a girl not to sleep with her. Why? She told them that if they got a girl pregnant that is what would happen. They would marry the girl that take care of their child.

So I know from personal experience you can have parents of the boy who in their own home preach the extreme opposites of the boys responsibility - he will be totally responsible or all responsibility belongs to the girl and what sex he an get from the girl is fine and all pregnancy prevention is her problem - after all he isn't the one getting pregnant.-I'm quoting a mother here.

This is not something that ends after they start dating. I know of a case where the boy was away at college and the mother of the girlfriend was going to send her to school near him. The thing was it wasn't that much of a school, had no dorms so all students had to rent their own apartments or rooms off campus (small art school). The thing was he was at an academy that didn't allow the students to marry while in attendance. After several casual conversations it became clear to the guy and his parents what the girl's mother had in mind(she would get pregnant and they would get married even if it meant he had t quit college). He was the love of the girls life (same for him) so the mother was out to make sure by whatever means necessary that he didn't get away. The thing is the girl was 18 the guy 19. He just wasn't ready to get married. He always figured they would get married when he finished school. He cofronted the girl about what the he felt her mother was trying or orchestrate and they had a huge fight and because she wouldn't stand up to her mother about the school he broke it off. They both eventually married other people but it was obvious that they "settled" for second best.

Oh my gosh, kmar!

I remember my dad having that conversation with one of my boyfriends and my sister's now husband. I know he basically said, 'In my house, we have these rules, etc etc. We expect this from you and so does my daughter, etc etc.' He wasn't super threatening but still kinda put 'the fear' in the guys. And honestly, I think they respected my dad more for it too.