Lois & Clark Forums Forums General Discussion Off Topic Sisters - stress - selfishness...

Okay. I have a few questions for the individuals with siblings out there. Aw, heck... For anyone who likes to answer them.

My family has been in the midst of RL stress for a while now. My little sister (not yet 20) has come back from England, where she seemed to completely change her personality (well, maybe not completely, but almost...) and after the boyfriend from back there broke up with her, she immediately (an hour or so after he broke up with her) went clubbing and picked up a guy there. Or he picked her up. I'm not sure.

Anyway, she immediately started staying at this guy's place (and you know what that means...) and he still lives with his mother. He's 24 and was unemployed at the time of their getting together.

Anywho, since then she's been staying there practically every night, only coming home once a week, or once every two weeks to do some laundry. She's eating his mother's food etc, but not paying any sort of board. She doesn't pay any board to my parents either (though I do). She refuses to get a part time job while studying (even though she has time and I once had three part time jobs while studying... *grumbles*) and also won't apply for the living costs on her student loan because she doesn't want to pay them back. Instead, she wants to keep sponging off her boyfriend's mother and also my parents, who are disapproving, but trying very hard to avoid having her stop talking to them completely. So they're furnishing her with money for bus fare and cell phone topups, even though I don't think they should be giving her any money. Neither does my older brother.

At six weeks of knowing each other (and sleeping together), this guy proposed. My (idiot) sister accepted. He's now spending all his money from his new, low-paying job on a ring. My sister's still not contributing to anything, but continues to sponge off everyone.

I'm meeting the guy for the first time tonight; my parents having already met him once. They didn't think much of him. They're very frustrated with my sister, as am I, and are just trying to keep her talking to them, though she doesn't much.

Anyway, obviously my sister doesn't live here anymore, yet she still expects her friends from England who are travelling round (and who we've never met) to be able to stay here. She invited them back before this ever happened and they said no. They now (very soon before they intend to come and stay) have said 'Well, if you're asking...' and changed their minds. My sister is no longer living here. My parents will be away. I've been planning for weeks on having people over for a potluck lunch at the time they intend to be here and also relaxing at the start of my annual leave from work. I wanted to sit down, have the house to myself and read Harry Potter (yes, this is supposedly happening next weekend... ). I wanted to feel at ease in my own home and I have lots of people coming over for this potluck.

So my questions are these:

-Is it selfish of my sister to expect to have her friends to stay here, when they already said no before, she doesn't live here anymore and I have lots of people coming over and want to feel at ease in my own home?

-What would you do about it if you were in the same situation?

-Am I being selfish myself in wanting a little quiet time to relax at the start of my annual leave when I work full time and my sister has been stressing us constantly for the past few months?

Whew. Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Thanks.

~Anna.

I'm not sure how you feel about physical violence but a good punching might do your sister good...aim for the nose....

If you're squeamish about hitting though, how about wrestling her to the ground and sitting on her. I have to do this to my sis at least once everytime we get together. I'm 37 (she's 30) and I outweigh her by about a 70 lbs yet she continues to challenge my capability to put her face on the floor.

See and then while you got your sis's face mashed into the carpet, you can explain why it's not convienant to for her to take up your chance at some free time.

I hope this helps.

Anna,

I totally feel for you. This doesn't sound like my sister. It sounds like my daughter! She moved out at 17 because we disapproved her boyfriend. He is... Well, I won't say what he is. But, has a low paying job (and has moved into the house she lives in- with someone else) and they both sponge off everyone. Up until today I'd been trying to tolerate him because of her. We found out now that he might be abusing her, so all bets are off!

Anyway, no way you're not being selfish. Twenty year olds are old enough to grow up and foot their own bills. And the boyfriend situation is a ticking time bomb. That will only end up bad.

I say send her friends to where she's staying! The boy's mother will eventually get tired of paying for everything. If she doesn't, she's...well, let's just say there are institutions to get help for that.

After her friends are gone, grab that book, a plate of junkfood, and something cold to drink. Then enjoy!

SQD

Yes, it is selfish of your sister. No, you are not being selfish. I would say no way to the visitors because if you say yes, you'll be the one doing the entertaining.

If she's living with her boyfriend, they can stay there!

If you need ammo to back up your 'no', you need to tell your parents that since you don't know these people, you don't know if you would feel safe having them in the house with you when your parents are away. You can say that your sister AND her fiance will have to stay while the guests are there and you'll stay with a friend instead or in a bed and breakfast.

I would bet that your parents would not agree in that case to have your sister's friends stay.

Just my two cents.

Good luck!
Irene

Yeah, that's really ridiculous of your sister. Did she even ask you if this is okay? I would totally send them away and not care where they found temporary stay. I'm not that nice, LOL. And like someone else said, if you truly can't get rid of these people, I'd make my sister stay with them, and I'd just vacate until they're gone.

To me <evil heads protrude>, the bigger issue is they are interrupting Harry Potter Weekend! <g> I'd Avada Kedavra their butts without a second thought and get back to my book.

Best of luck,
JD

Thanks for the responses guys. I have to admit, I'm glad you don't think I'm being selfish. I suppose nobody likes thinking that they're selfish (including my sister...).

Anyway, I think my mum expects my sister to stay here also if her friends stay, but of course her fiance isn't allowed to stay the night. He may not be allowed to stay the night, but quite frankly, I don't want him here during the day either. Or my sister's friends. Or my sister.

I was looking forward to working Harry Potter Saturday (since I work in a bookstore...) from 7:30am to 4pm, then coming home and delving into HP without any interruptions and without feeling uncomfortable (at least no interruptions until I go to speed dating at my church later that evening...).

I personally think that the best thing is to tell my sister's friends that circumstances have changed a lot since the offer was originally put to them. My sister doesn't even live in the house that was offered to them as a place to stay.

Actually, I think the only reason my mum wants to possibly say 'okay' is because she said 'yes' in the past, when circumstances were different. She doesn't really want to have to pack up her confidential PhD research and move it somewhere else just so someone can use her study as a spare room. My parents got new locks put on their study doors before going away for a reason (though, admittedly mainly to safeguard against my sister's fiance...). I didn't get locks. But I did put a password on my computer.

Anyway, my mum doesn't want to alienate my sister anymore, so I offered to say the necessary bits and just asked her to back me up quietly, since it's her house. I don't know whether she will, since she's still hung up on the 'I once said yes' thing.

I asked my mum if, while she and my dad were away, I had authority in the house. I do. I'm the older sister and I actually pay board. My sister doesn't even live here. Not that that'll stop her...

*sigh*

~Anna.

*Sigh* I'm really sorry Anna. My brothers are actually extremely sweet to me, so I haven't dealt with that personally, but my sister-in-law has. Her younger sister is completely irresponsible. She insulted my brother at the wedding, showed up late, ran off to Europe with some guy... and I know we all worry about her. I don't really have any sage words of advice, but I just want to let you know I hope things destress a little for you! I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Laura

Heh. Thanks, Laura. Yes, it's worrying and very stressful when family members, especially siblings or children, do stupid things.

I met my sister's fiance tonight for the first time. He was okay. Seemed like a nice enough guy. I just think I'd like him better if he wasn't engaged to my sister.

At least I have good news! My sister grudgingly consented to email her friends and tell them they couldn't stay next weekend. I will have the house to myself and get to actually relax! Yay! And I won't have people I don't know hanging around while I'm trying to talk to people at my potluck lunch! My mum was nice enough to broach the topic in the car before they got to the house (she had to go pick them up, because the fiance doesn't have a car - not sure if he has a license...) so that I didn't have to do it. I knew I'd get all emotional if I had to. For some reason I'm one of those people that if I'm having to say something difficult to someone, or having to express how something is affecting me emotionally, I tear up and find it hard to choke out my words. Kind of embarrassing at times...

*sigh* I hope and pray that my sister gets some sense knocked into her...somehow. She's seriously stressing the whole family out!

~Anna.

I feel very sorry for you, Anna. I think that since you are apparently very much "the good girl" of the family, you have been expected to put up with your sister's antics and just suffer in silence. Personally, I got a lot more upset that your sister was going to be allowed to dump her friends in your lap than I was at the the fact that she has accepted the proposal of an unfortunate boyfriend.

I'm glad your mother talked to your sister, though, and I'm very glad that you are going to have the house to yourself and your friends after all. I certainly feel sorry for your mother, and I can sympathize with her wish not to alienate your sister, but I think you have to make it clear to your parents that they can't allow your sister to run all over you. Of course your parents worry about your sister and want to do what they can to support her. But they have very few responsibilities to her fiancé, and no responsibilities whatsoever to her various friends.

There have been a few Lois and Clark stories where Lucy just drops in on Lois and announces that she is going to stay with Lois for a while. Then when she is there, she behaves infuriatingly, "borrows" Lois's clothes, pays nothing for her board and lodging, and spies on Lois and Clark, making it impossible to have any sort of romance going on in Lois's apartment. I always feel that if I had been Lois in those stories, I would have thrown Lucy out the moment she turned up unannounced to "inform me" that she was staying with me.

Please have a serious talk with your parents, Anna.

Ann

Thanks, Ann. I've already had a lot of talks with my parents. They're stressed about my sister enough as it is. I suppose it is a little bit as you say:

I try not to suffer in silence though! But I admit I don't say as much as I could. My mum is worried and stressed enough as it is and I don't want to make her feel any more stressed. I think she felt a little caught between the two of us this afternoon, even though my sister wasn't present.

I suppose the situation with my sister's friends was partially my sister still insisting on calling our house 'home', though she obviously lives with her fiance and his mother. Since she technically calls it 'home', she expects that her friends would be able to stay here. I say (and my mother agrees) that she doesn't live here, therefore it's not her home. At least my sister didn't grumble too much. In fact, she was surprisingly good about it.

*sigh* It's all just a tricky situation. My parents don't approve of the way my sister went about her relationship with her fiance (can't say I do either...) and the selfish way she's acting, not caring how we're feeling is really what makes me angry and frustrated. My mum is also really stressed about the fact that my sister is sponging off her fiance's mum and not paying anything into the equation. I hate that my sister would be so inconsiderate. I suppose we believe she was brought up to do better than that - to pay her way. But I always thought that my sister had no real concept of money. She doesn't like having jobs. She just likes the money handed to her. Which is why I think (and my brother agrees) that my parents should stop giving her money full stop. But I can't see that happening.

I suppose with the 'friends staying' situation and many others, my sister wanted things her way. She's the youngest, and I always thought that she got her way far too much as a child. But try telling your own parents that they did that - they never want to hear it. At least not from another child.

I suppose I do feel a bit like the 'good girl' who isn't getting much attention because all the attention is focused on not alienating my sister completely. But I'm almost 24 - I have my friends. I'm often not at home because of work and various activities. However, though I sympathise with my parents not wanting to lose touch with her and I have other outlets for companionship, I do feel kind of ignored at times. Oh well. I suppose being the 'good girl' has its disadvantages. Sort of.

I feel sorry for my sister too - she so obviously feels that she needs a guy to make her happy. It's sad really.

I just hope this thing sorts itself out, eventually...

~Anna.

It seems as if you and your sister are very different, Anna, and it could be that this fact in itself is proving to be a strain to you.

I don't have a sister, but my mother and I are very different. My mother grew up in a very restrictive Pentecostalist environment, and there were so many things that she was not allowed to do. To compensate for all the disappointments of her own childhood and youth, she tried to more or less force me to do all the things that she had wanted to do but wasn't allowed to when she was a girl and a young woman. But in many cases I wasn't interested!

Not all people want the same things. I really believe that we were all born with our own unique personality. And because we are necessarily so full of ourselves - we have to be, because we can't really look into any other person's head - we are surrounded by people whose wishes and reasons differ from our own, by a small or a large margin. It is sometimes quite hard to accept that other people are not like us. Many of us have strong convictions about what is good and valuable in life, and it's really hard when people close to us won't share our beliefs. My impression is that you have a much better grasp on those things than your sister does, Anna - but for all of that, none of us understands everything. And while I won't say it's impossible, it's really hard to rearrange other people's heads and give them new values and priorities.

Here are my own two cents. You have every right to tell your sister that you disapprove of her general life style and her way of conducting her love life. However, if she won't change her ways, and if her fiancé isn't a criminal, an addict or a wife-beater, you should probably accept him, and by extension, her. If you can't accept him, you may precipitate a situation where you sister will feel totally rejected by you, and that may not be what you want.

I think you should try to respect your sister. On the other hand, you should ask her to respect you back. If she sponges off your parents, so that they have to pay for her while you pay for yourself, is that respectful? So it's not her parents who pay for her. She sponges off her future mother-in-law instead. Is that respectful? And what if her fiancé were to leave her, so that her future mother-in-law throws her out? Is she planning to sponge off your parents then?

It seems to me that your sister is taking a lot for granted, and she needs to be told about that. And your parents need to think about that. Hopefully your sister will become more responsible when she becomes older and more mature. But even if she does, it could still be that you won't fully understand or approve of her choice of lifestyle in the future, either - and maybe that's the way it has to be.

Ann

Sadly, I agree with all you said, Ann. I suppose that's what my family's been trying to accept - that my sister may never change.

I don't mind her fiance, now that I've finally met him. I still wish he wasn't engaged to my sister, but I can wish that until the cows come home and it probably won't change anything.

We're hoping that it gets through to her that she can't continue to live off other people though. I'm sure her future mother-in-law will get sick of providing for her eventually. And I'm hoping that there'll come a time when my parents flat out refuse to give her any more money.

But we'll see. I think my parents have tried tactfully (and not all at once) to tell my sister what they think of her, sponging off people. My mother told my sister that her estimation of her maturity level has gone way down. I don't think my sister liked that, since she stormed off in a huff, vowing that she wasn't going to talk to my parents. Luckily that didn't last.

So it's a tricky situation where everything's new to us. We're trying to show that we don't agree with what she's doing, but that we're here to love and support her no matter what (relationship-wise mainly, not money-wise). I suppose - and hope - that this generally only happens once in any immediate family. One immature sibling with no thought for anyone but theirself is enough for me, thank you!

It's been good to get everything out here, though. So thank you all for discussing and for listening. I really appreciate it.

~Anna.