Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic The Nuns' Retirement Fund - Comments

What a lovely vignette, Lynn! I was enthralled from start to finish, and you recreated the S1 atmosphere so well that I felt I was actually watching an episode.

And can I just say I *love* it that you just hinted at something more at the end instead of giving them the kiss they both wanted so much. Fantastic!

Kaethel

Ahhhh, Lynn. <happy sigh> I loved this cute, funny, sensual little glimpse into a moment in Lois and Clark's lives. The banter – actually the dialogue in general – echoed scenes I've seen on the show perfectly. It's little renderings like this that remind me why I love this show and that I've been away from watching episodes way too long.

I loved this line because it's something I've often thought myself. One of my favourite scenes in LNC is when a powerless Clark is fighting off the muggers in the alley. He gets cut and you see the shock on his face as he suddenly realizes he's not invulnerable any more – and then he goes back into the fray again. That makes him ten times more courageous in my book than anything he does knowing he can't be hurt. This line captured that thought perfectly. Plus, you know, well anything that praises firefighters gets my vote.

The waterfight was really cute, loved her teasing mood and his disbelief that she started it. Also, very very steamy.

Did it suddenly get warm in here? /me fans herself rapidly. Caught my breath as she waited for him to kiss her and felt her disappointment when he didn’t. The seeds of something sewn – beautifully WAFFy.

And did chuckle over the little bit at the end where she shows some charitable thought after all. <g>

I think it's a very good idea to post these Merriweather stories here on the mbs – if only to reward me for currently having the spare time to read them and offer feedback.

LabRat

Lynn, you have this awesome knack for making Clark growly at just the right moment . <please excuse silly giggles> growly growly growly Clark!!!

Well Done!!

TEEEEEEEJ

Just great, Lynn! Very funny! And very sexy! I'm glad she donated at the end!

Artemis

Cute story, Lynn. What gets me is your way with details. First in the dialogue that I won't bother quoting since I'd repeat the whole story.

Then what gets me is the little things that could slip by, but give so much character.

Absolutely. Clark would be soooo surprised.

And then...
In both cases, the detail gives a very vivid picture without over describing. Little things, like just mentioning that Lois's blouse is silk. Enough to give us a picture.

Loved it, Lynn

gerry

Ahh, a peace offering,and nicely done.

Wonderful!! Just the thing I needed sitting here at work to occupy my time .

- Laura

Oh very nice little story. I like a wet Clark<g> Laura

Oooo hot, wet and slippery..mmmmmmmmm oops is this the nFic folder??

Great job..so what else is new?

~Liz

Lovely, Lynn. You perfectly captured the S1 tension where Lois and Clark would suddenly have a moment of connection, only to have one or the other of them break away, thereby dispelling the tension.

Good job!

Irene

Really, really good Great. Fantastic. Excellent!!

Keep it up!
See ya,
AnnaBtG.

Wow! I've been away most of the afternoon and just came back to find this on the boards. After the fanfic drought we've had lately (with the exception of Nan, to whom I owe comments) it's wonderful to find a new Lynn story.

This is so cute! It's funny, witty, subtly sexy and so typically S1 Lois and Clark. I could hear their voices and see their expressions throughout. The banter is perfect - as ever, Clark gives as good as he gets. I could just imagine Lois turning the car around, and Clark's droll comment about her being willing to kill him for a car-wash! Plus the description here had me catching my breath, and then the rest of what I quote below had me laughing out loud:

Fun water-fight - and I love your description of a wet Clark. No kiss... aww, but, as others have said, the promise of more is there.

Thanks for posting this, Lynn! I think it deserved at least a Highly Commended too. And I hope we get to see any other stories written specially for the Merriwethers.


Wendy

That was wonderful lynn!

When she sprayed him with the hose I thought for a moment that he was going to have the Suit on underneath and then....there might be trouble!

Lynn

WOW! This is wonderful. I love it.

Tricia

Enjoyed it very much, Lynn - felt like I was watching an out-take from the show. did like all the water and how it sprayed and dripped. Very smoothly written, like the water sliding down Clark's..... <g>

c.

Very, very nice, Lynn! So perfectly in character for both Lois and Clark in S1, when Lois doesn't dare admit she's right -- at least not in words -- and Clark is perfectly willing to give as good as he gets. Lois blithely washing her own car so it can be "for free" -- and then the softy inside her giving the kids a twenty! And the water fight was just perfect. I admit I was a wee bit disappointed we didn't have a Carol Moncado/Phil Atcliffe moment when the soaking wet shirt allowed Lois to see through to the big S right underneath... but the ending *you* gave us was just fine, too.

Do we get to see your score card?

Hazel, waiting to get her own score card so she can post it

very nice little stoty

Karla

Thank you all, so much, for the kind feedback! I have to tell you, this was a difficult story for me to write because I had to keep my word count so low. I got to around 1,800 words and could not figure out how to get down to 1,500 - it already seemed so skimpy! I do have the original, more verbose version which I will send to the archive because it just feels richer IMO.

Actually, Hazel, for the most part my scores for this story were not very high. Low scores in the Characterization section indicate that the four judges felt my portrayal of this S1 Lois and Clark were not in-line with what they expected. One judge said “I did not care for Lois’ characterization at all. She was too b**chy and uptight. Clark came across as wimpy and uptight.” Another judge, however, was kind enough to offer some positive feedback: "This is very good characterization of both Lois and Clark. I particularly like the way the author shows that Lois is pushy instead of telling the reader so."

This overall dis-satisfaction seemed to carry across the board as indicated in all of the scores from at least two of the judges. Setting was another area in which I didn't do so well, nor did I do well in Dialogue. I won't even discuss my showing in Mechanics and Pacing. Yikes!

One judge did seem to like the story as a whole (the same one who like the characterization), so I was happy to see some average and slightly above average scores sprinkled amongst the poorer ones (gotta have some motivation to keep trying *g*). Even so, I'm not sure if I'm the type of writer who will do well in Merriweather-type competitions if this first showing is any indication.

Here's how I scored (and no, I have no shame in exposing my bad report card ).

For those of you unfamiliar with the scoring system, each story is rated on 8 different criteria using a scale of 1 through 5:
5 = Outstanding
4 = Above average; Minor adjustments needed
3 = Average; Off to a good start
2 = Below average; Major revisions needed
1 = Poor quality; Needs lots of work

Each segment consists of anywhere from 1 to 10 questions for consideration, leading to a maximum (and ostensibly, a mimimum) possible score for each section based on the ranking system above. So, for example, Section 2 contains three questions for consideration for a minimum possible score of 3 (lowest ranking of 1 X 3 questions for consideration) up to 15 (highest ranking of 5 X 3 questions for consideration).

With that understanding, here's how I scored:

Section 1 - Opening Hook Two questions for consideration, min. 2 pts/max 10 pts.
Judge 1 - 6 pts
Judge 2 - 6 pts
Judge 3 - 10 pts (WooHoo! I was excited by this one )
Judge 4 - 8 pts

Section 2 - Characterization Three questions for consideration, min. 3 pts/max 15 pts.
Judge 1 - 2 pts. (apparently I received at least one 0 ranking to reach below the min. possible!)
Judge 2 - 2 pts. (same here with the 0 ranking)
Judge 3 - 5 pts.
Judge 4 - 4 pts.

Section 3 - Plot Three questions for consideration, min. 3 pts/max 15 pts.
Judge 1 - 10 pts.
Judge 2 - 3 pts. [to my defense, 1,500 words doesn't afford a lot to develop a plot ]
Judge 3 - 9 pts.
Judge 4 - 10 pts.

Section 4 - Setting Three questions for consideration, min. 3 pts/max 15 pts.
Judge 1 - 5 pts.
Judge 2 - 4 pts.
Judge 3 - 5 pts.
Judge 4 - 5 pts.

Section 5- Dialogue Four questions for consideration, min. 4 pts/max 20 pts.
Judge 1 - 7 pts.
Judge 2 - 8 pts.
Judge 3 - 10 pts.
Judge 4 - 10 pts.

Section 6 - Style Two questions for consideration, min. 2 pts/max 10 pts.
Judge 1 - 5 pts.
Judge 2 - 3 pts.
Judge 3 - 5 pts.
Judge 4 - 5 pts.

Section 7 Mechanics and Pacing Ten questions for consideration, min. 10 pts/max 50 pts.
Judge 1 - 18 pts.
Judge 2 - 10 pts. [Bummer - another lowest possible score!]
Judge 3 - 16 pts.
Judge 4 - 18 pts.

Section 8- Point Of View Three questions for consideration, min. 3 pts/max 15 pts.
Judge 1 - 4 pts.
Judge 2 - 7 pts.
Judge 3 - 10 pts.
Judge 4 - 10 pts.

Out of a total possible of 600 points, I got a total of 240 pts.

So, as you can see by my mostly below-average and poor-quality scores, my story didn't sit well with two out of the four judges with one of the other judges being unimpressed at best. From a story-writing perspective, I failed miserably. In fact, one judge (I'm guessing Judge #2) said "The whole piece just doesn’t make sense and was not appealing at all to me. My favorite fanfic genre is the vignette, but this was too vague." Unfortunately since the judging is anonymous, I'm not able to ask questions such as what I might need to change to make the story more agreeable. Unfortunately, too, it seems that my Word document did not transfer well for one of the judges, all my ellipses converted to periods which resulted in further downgrading.

However, one judge did offer some very nice comments which made the negative a lot easier to bear. I'm going to focus on this positive feedback and not be discouraged.

And all of this feedback from you readers is really what matters most to me, so I'm thankful to have it.

Now, I've confessed to my poor showing!! Where are the rest of you with your fun vignettes??! Part of this posting is to inspire you all to share, but aside from the winning stories, I haven't seen any more. Come on, hand 'em over.

Lynn

Wow, that was harsh grading! I know I loved this story. It makes me think three or four times about ever submitting something for any literary contest. I got into writing because I thought it was fun.

Even though it was a very short story, it got me going in a different direction. I thought Lois was going to be utterly thoughtless about the charitable aspect of the car wash, but you redeemed her right at the very end.

Like Hazel, I was also expecting a revelation as Lois sees the S outlined behind his wet shirt.

As for characterizations, I thought both were spot on for mid-season 1. The near-miss on the kiss was classic.

Lynn, that's fascinating! Thanks for being good enough to show us your scorecard; I'm not sure I'd have wanted to bare my poor results like this. I might actually have wanted to crawl into a corner and hide - and I'm not a newbie writer! Maybe the judges are kinder with new writers?

The comments you quoted really interested me, because they're such a good demonstration of how tastes in fanfic can be so different - and subjective - between different people. You might love a fic I hate, and vice versa.

Um... did s/he read the same story I and everyone else who's posted here did? I am seriously baffled by this!

On the other hand, there's this:
Absolutely - I agree entirely.

I guess this is what makes judging literary contests of any kind incredibly difficult. I've read a few accounts by Booker judges, for example, describing huge disagreements on the shortlist. Books one judge adored don't even make it to the longlist. Books some judges hate make it onto the shortlist. I think now I understand the long delay between the submission deadline and the announcement of results - these comments suggest that there might have been some fun discussions among the panel!


Wendy