Rac, please understand that I have so very little time for feedback now (and I don't feel all that sure when I'm going to have a lot of time again). But I need to say that this was incredibly beautiful and absolutely heartbreaking. Lois and Clark have learned to reach out to each other physically, to make love:
"I love you," she managed to whisper as she tucked her head under his chin.
"I love you," he replied softly. "I…Lois, I love you so much." He stroked her hair and she hugged him just a little tighter, realizing that they were clinging to each other as though for dear life. And perhaps they were.
Heartbreakingly beautiful.
But the joining of their bodies is not a joining of their hearts and minds. It's not a celebration of their wordless communication of love and absolute trust in one another:
She'd held him silently until he'd fallen asleep. She wrapped her arms around him, willing their physical closeness to bridge the emotional gap between them. But no matter how close she held him, he wasn't with her. She could feel it. And whatever he'd said before, he hadn't made love to remember. He'd made love to forget. To forget something so awful he wouldn't talk to her about it.
He had made love to forget, to try to banish unspeakable horrors from his mind, heart and soul.
And he can't talk to Lois about those horrors:
Clark knew that he should tell her the whole awful, unbearable truth about what had happened on New Krypton, but he couldn't. He could barely stand to think about what happened, how could he talk to her about it? How could he look her in the eyes and tell her what had happened. How could he watch the disappointment settle on her face, and know that he was the cause? How could he put her through that? Although he had to admit, he didn't want to put himself through it, either. He couldn't bear it if her knowing meant that she didn't want to be with him any more, if what had happened was too much for her to accept. He needed her. Nothing was clearer than that.
How totally heartbreaking. Clark is looking at himself, and what he can see is a man who is at least temporarily a broken wreck, and he compares himself with Lois's seeming perfection. And he hates himself. And he can't bear to think of the horrors that he has been through, the horrors that broke him. I think there are two reasons, or three, why his mind shies away from what has happened to him. First, the awful memories of torture and unspeakable humiliation hurt too much. Second, he feels as if his reaction to that torture has sullied him and made him unworthy of Lois. And third, he is afraid that Lois will reject him if he tells her the truth about himself.
“It was a war, Mom,” he said. “It was ugly and brutal and I couldn't wait for it to end so I could come home.”
“Have you talked to Lois at all about it?” she asked gently.
Clark sighed in frustration. “She doesn't need to hear that crap…sorry,” he mumbled off his mother's sternly disapproving look.
“She does need to hear it, and you need to tell her about it. Lois is a strong woman and she's seen an awful lot. She can handle it, but I'm not sure she can handle you shutting her out.”
Clark flat out rejected his mother's advice, but it was a very good thing that she voiced her concerns about Lois to him. He is not going to forget what Martha said. I really think that Clark loves Lois so much that he is eventually going to understand that his mother is right. However, for now he isn't ready to talk about the horrors of New Krypton, and everyone is going to have to be patient.
I think that when Clark can finally tell Lois about his awful experiences on that distant world, Lois can open up to him, too, and unburden herself to him. As we all know, Lois went through her own private hell while Clark was gone, too.
Wonderful as always, Rac. I need to add, too, that the scenes with Jon and Clark were so poignant.
Ann
