Originally posted by ChiefPam:
In my book, parents get a lot more leeway, even though ideally they shouldn't react with anger. For one thing, parents are *much* more emotionally invested in the child to start with. They also spend a lot more time with the child, (often including sleepless/disrupted nights, which really erodes temper control) and often there's no readily available help.
I agree 100% with you. I wish to clarify my earlier post: When I raise my voice, I try not to do it out of anger. (I don't always succeed in that regard; I fear that sleep deprivation and I are no strangers. Last summer it had gotten so bad that I couldn't stand up for more than half a minute at a time without leaning against something for support, and it was a struggle to put together a coherent sentence. That was when I finally gave in to my son's neurologist's suggestion that Andy be given something so that he, and in turn I, could sleep.) Although I try not to raise my voice when I *am* angry, I do try to *seem* angry when he is engaged in, or is about to engage in, dangerous behaviours.
Between his medical conditions and his total lack of a sense of self-preservation, it is a miracle in many ways that my son has lived as long as he has. If raising my voice and pretending to be angry will discourage behaviours that, if left unchecked, might prevent him from seeing his ninth birthday, I think it is well worth it. I know that there are other methods for working to control behaviours, such as positive reinforcement of behaviours that can not coexist with the maladaptive behaviour; but they take time to work. Time that a child who routinely does things like climbing to the top of a bookcase might not have.
I guess my bottom line is that whatever is effective, provided it is not abusive in any way (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.), is acceptable. And the adults' behaviours must be tailored to the individual child -- some children are sensitive enough that a frown or an "I'm disappointed in you" will practically render them to tears; others (such as my son) will only respond to firmer methods. Parents (and teachers) should be as gentle as they can be while still teaching the child proper behaviour. But "as gentle as they can be" will differ from child to child.
And of course it should go without saying that far more time should be spent in positive interactions with the child than in negative ones.
cheers,
Lynn
