I had this whole 800+ word, incredibly snarky A/N written but didn't post it because I knew it was snarky and I knew Beth or Anna or someone would talk me out of it before I did. Why was it so snarky? Well... My quiet uninterrupted 10-12 hours of no kids as time to rest and recuperate after being sick last week got interrupted by sick kids. My head hurts, my stomach hurts and my eyes hurt. And I didn't get to go to LAFF and the odds of me ever going to any sort of FoLC get together are somewhere between the odds of Clark never flying again and Luthor being a good guy. The only good thing? They don't seem to have what I did which would likely send my exceptionally small nearly one year old son back to the hospital. Seriously. Odds are he weighs significantly less than your last Thanksgiving or Christmas turkey - by half for those of you with big families.
Among other things
.
That said, I did make some points I want to remake here. This is Lois and Clark we're talking about. Take a look at the
Ep List from JSN when they get back together and the end of SoulMates/beginning of Brutal Youth when they're finally together. That's a year. 22 weeks really. The only ep I can think of that didn't have someone trying to kill or seriously maim one of them is the one with Jimmy's dad and that's only b/c I don't remember it very well, but wasn't there something at the end on the roof... but they weren't the targets, iirc. They were just in the way, so to speak.
Is it hard to see them with someone else? Whatever the reason? Heck, yeah. So why do I still read Ad Astra Per Aspera and cry every time? Because it's life. Sometimes it doesn't go the way we want. A friend of mine told me tonight that she's hated writing one of those two with another character for years [literally and figuratively – and yes I know that's vague but I don't want to spoil her fic]. And it's still a great fic. But hey – I'm the one who thought up this Luthor debacle – whatever it ends up being. And it was like 2nd or 3rd on the list of things to include in the fic – way before Mayson or Paul or the horrid things Sam/Ellen said/did. And in the end, it's my fic, my story and honestly, if you [the ubiquitous reader you] decide you'd rather wait till the archive or until the rest is posted rather than dragging it out piece by piece, you won't hurt my feelings at all.
And really, they've had a relatively peaceful 18 months. They're [literally] millionaires who spent 6mos in Greece, 6mo in Paris, 3mo traveling throughout Canada/Alaska/Hawaii and 3-4 more months in Tokyo. Could I have written a couple hundred pages of 'look what sitcom's on tonight'? Sure. Would anyone have wanted to read more than a few pages of it? I'm guessing not, so I hit the high points between one crisis and the next. It's been a good life for them even if they weren't finding every private beach on the Mediterranean coast.
Are there a lot of unanswered questions about that night? Heck, yeah. Am I going to answer the questions about what Luthor's up to? Did he drug her? Did he rape her? If so why? Why didn't Clark notice [insert one of any number of things here]? Not here, but I hope they're all answered by 'The End'. And I like to think it gets better from here, even if it takes some time.
Thanks, as always, to Alisha, Beth, Nancy, and CarolynK.
And you especially want to thank Beth for helping me edit the snarky A/N
. This one is only a few over 600 words.
So without any further ado...
*****
Chapter 45
*****
After a final visit to their favorite restaurant, Lois relaxed on the couch while Clark packed up the apartment.
"You sure you don't mind?" she said, propping her feet up and picking up the book she'd started the week before.
"Well, I can pack in like ten minutes, or you can spend the next three days doing it. What do you want to do?"
She shrugged. "I'm more than willing to let you do it, but sometimes it doesn't seem fair to you."
"I don't mind."
"Then go for it." She opened her book. "Pack away." She tried to ignore the 'whooshing' sound as he zoomed around the room and concentrate on her book, but she found her mind wandering.
Something had been niggling at the back of her mind since she'd talked to her sister earlier that day.
It wasn't long before Clark sat on the other end of the couch, the apartment now filled with boxes.
"That's everything but clothes and what we'll need for the next couple days."
She gave him a small smile. "Thanks."
"What is it?"
She sighed. "I've been thinking about something. And I need to ask you about it."
"Sure. What's up?"
She fingered the corner of the cover of the book. "Um, the other night..." Her voice trailed off.
"What about it?" he asked quietly.
"Did we... did we use protection?" she finally asked in a rush.
Clark shook his head slowly. "No. We didn't. The thought occurred to me – in passing; I was *very* distracted – but since you were the one that had planned the night I figured you were taking care of it." He paused. "I guess you're not on birth control if you're asking about it."
"No."
"Do we even have any?"
Lois nodded. "In my dresser and I would have gotten them out when I went to change at some point." She took a deep breath. "I couldn’t bring myself to look to see if we'd used anything."
"We didn't." He ran a hand through his hair. "What about the timing? Is it possible...?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe. I've never been very regular so..."
"I'll admit that I don't know a whole lot about that. Except that I've noticed over the years that you didn't seem to be."
Lois sighed. "Well, generally speaking, a woman ovulates about two weeks before her cycle begins. For most women, a cycle runs about four weeks, so ovulation occurs in the middle. For a woman who has a long cycle – say a regular, six week cycle, she ovulates after about four weeks. For a woman whose cycles are irregular... unless she's tracking it somehow, there's no real way to know until she starts her next one. Then she can backtrack it to figure out when it was."
"So, what now?"
"Wait a couple of weeks and take a test, I guess. If it's not positive in say three weeks or so, then I'm not pregnant."
"What if your cycle hasn't started yet?"
She shrugged. "Well, if I am pregnant, then the test should be positive about two weeks after conception or so, whether I start my cycle or not, unless..." Another thought occurred to her.
"What?"
"Unless part of being... you is that they live longer," she said, not looking up at him.
"Ah." He shrugged. "I have no idea. And I guess you'd know more about the other than I would."
"Girls health class, Lincoln High. And biology. And there was an article in the Metropolitan while we were there."
"I'll take your word for it."
"And..." She took a deep breath. "...there's always the chance that... he... didn't."
"I know."
"So if I am..." A tear streaked down her cheek.
"If you are, then it's my baby. Period." He reached towards her and she moved to him, curling up beside him on the couch, grateful for his arm around her. He kissed the side of her head.
"What would I do without you?" she whispered.
"You'll never have to find out," he whispered back.
They sat for a long minute before Clark spoke again. "Honey, don't hate me for asking, but if you didn't – and still don't – remember us being together, what makes you so sure..."
She shrugged. "I don't *know*. It's a gut instinct thing, I guess. I just know that's what happened."
"And you've learned to trust your gut?"
"Most of the time. It's made a few mistakes but..."
"Like believing Paul was a good guy?"
"And that you'd cheat on me with Mayson or anyone else."
"But overall..."
"Overall, I trust my gut."
"Then I do too."
*****
"What do you think?"
Clark sat on the window seat. "Stand right there." She moved to where he pointed. "I was right."
"What?"
"When I walked in here, I had this vision of what you'd look like standing in the light from this window. I had to see."
"And?"
He smiled at her. "I like what I see."
She smiled back and moved to sit by him, his arms around her, her head on his chest. "What about the place? Is it you?"
"Oh, I don't know about that."
"Well, do you want to see if Jimmy and Lucy want it then?"
He turned her face to him. "I don't think it's me. I do think it's *us*."
She smiled back at him. "Then it's settled. We'll move in here."
"Yep. We'll have to get most of the stuff out of storage and maybe trade out some furniture with Jimmy and Lucy."
"And we can finally sleep in our own bed again?"
"Unless you want to get a new one."
"I don't think it's necessary. Almost every night in Japan I thought about wanting our bed back. The ones in Greece and Paris weren't bad, but that one in Tokyo..." She shuddered lightly in his arms.
He laughed. "I will admit that I found myself floating more often the last few months."
"Lucky duck."
He laughed some more. "When are we supposed to meet Perry?"
Lois yawned. "I'm not sure but this whole time change thing isn't working very well for me."
"We've only been back about 36 hours."
"I know, but I think that I want to go back to the hotel early tonight and sleep until I wake up in the morning."
"Sounds like a good plan to me."
They'd decided to stay at a hotel for a couple of days instead of staying with Perry and Alice. The official reason was that they wanted some pampering before getting back to a 'real job', but the unofficial reason was somewhat more basic: they had decided that, for now, they weren't going to mention what happened on their anniversary and it was easier to avoid that if they weren't there.
Lois stood up. "We better get moving though. Perry wanted us there before lunch."
"Let's go."
*****
Lois knocked on the door and waited for it to open. She smiled as she noticed the curtains move and heard her sister squeal. The door flew open and then she was laughing as Lucy pulled her into a big hug.
"Relax, Luce. I'm not going anywhere."
"I know, but I've missed you."
They moved down the stairs and into the living room. "It's been less than a month since we saw you for Christmas."
"I know, but it's different. It's the first time I've seen you since I knew I was pregnant."
Lois faltered for a split-second, before pasting a bright smile on her face. "I'm so happy for you. Both of you." She looked around. "You guys have changed things."
"Some. Not too much."
Lois looked at the bedroom, towards the stairs to the loft. "Are you staying here or moving?"
Lucy shrugged. "I don't know yet. We've talked about it. Part of us wants a bigger place, but a bigger place would be more expensive and even though we have the insurance money, we're not sure we want to spend the extra money on rent while we finish college. Jimmy's going to have another year to go and I'm going to have two. The insurance money will help pay bills and stuff so I don't have to work as much while I finish school. It'll help with childcare costs until I get done. I want to be a stay-at-home or work-at-home mom, but I want to get my degree and Jimmy wants me to. We've talked about opening a studio in our home – wherever it is – and doing portraits and kids pictures with cool props and stuff, but not until after I'm done with school."
"That's a good plan."
"You'll let us use the inheritance money for that, won't you?" Lucy asked, suddenly frowning.
"Of course. I do want you to finish college though."
"And I want to."
"Good."
Lucy shifted slightly on the couch. "So tell me all about the big Embassy thing."
Lois sighed. "It was nice. Fancy. Food not really fit to eat – you know, all kinds of fancy stuff you can't pronounce and looks weird. We were there for about an hour or so. Danced a couple of times. Clark heard a report on the radio about an earthquake in China. I told him to go and he did. I went home." More or less. It's all she was going to tell Lucy.
"But what about you and Clark?"
"What about us?"
"We all saw you at Christmas," Lucy pointed out. "You were kissing some and hugging and all those kinds of things that you never used to do."
"I know and we're still doing those things." They were and she was glad they were, but she knew where Lucy was going with this line of questioning and knew it was heading towards questions she didn't want to answer. Maybe she could cut her off. "And that's all I'm telling you."
Lucy looked slightly crestfallen. "You mean, you're not going to tell me when you two finally..."
Lois shook her head. "No. It's really none of anybody's business but ours and I'm not comfortable with it and I know we talked to you guys about it last year a bit, but that was about all we were willing to share."
Her sister sighed. "Okay. I understand, I really do, but... I know I'm your little sister and all, but if you ever want to talk..."
"I know." She didn't want to talk. And she wouldn't want to talk. "We did go over to the brownstone Aunt Louise left us earlier today," she said, changing the topic.
"Really? Jimmy and I drove by it not too long ago. It looked nice."
"It is. We're going to move in this weekend."
"Ah. So you want some of your furniture back."
Lois laughed. "Well, you guys are using my dresser and chest of drawers and I know you put Jimmy's stuff in storage."
Lucy gave an exaggerated sigh. "Fine. But can I want to empty them until after we get the other furniture over here so I can just move it from one drawer to another?"
"I don't see why not."
"And you probably want the big chaise, too, don't you?"
Lois laughed at that. She knew it was their favorite place to sit together. "I don't know. We'll see."
Just then the door opened and Jimmy walked in with Clark. They were laughing about something as they took off their winter outerwear.
Finished, Jimmy made a beeline for Lucy, sitting next to her before speaking again. "Clark's making us dinner."
"Nice." She smiled at her brother-in-law. "You did manage to teach me something, but you're still a much better cook than I am."
Clark laughed and headed for the kitchen, grocery bag in hand. "You do fine, Lucy. Much better than your sister."
Lois shrugged. "Why bother? I'll just manage to burn the place down and then you'll have to move in with us in the brownstone and I love you guys, but that might be a bit too much togetherness."
Lucy turned to look at Clark. "You've been married over five years now and you still haven't managed to teach her anything?"
Clark's eyes sparkled. "Oh, I wouldn't say I haven't taught her *anything*, but cooking is one thing she just doesn't seem to get the hang of."
Lois laughed. "Hey – I can Tush Push with the best of them – isn't that enough?"
"More than enough to make up for your lack of talent in the kitchen." He turned back to the stove, filling the pot with water. "How's Garlic Chicken Parmesan sound for dinner?"
*****
Lois pulled her shirt over her head as she heard the door to their new master bedroom. "Hey, you get it all moved?"
He nodded, noticing that she was wearing pajama bottoms and her bra. It had become fairly common for her to change shirts around him – or even shorts or pants if she was wearing a long shirt – but she hadn't since their anniversary and everything that happened that night. "Yeah, got it all moved. You may want the living room arranged differently or something though. We can do that tomorrow if you want to."
She nodded, pulling her pajama shirt over her head before removing her bra from beneath it. "Sounds good." She turned to look at him. "Thank you for doing all that."
He shrugged. "No problem." He pulled his own shirt over his head. "I'm ready for a shower though."
"Go for it. I'm going to go get something to drink and then I'm going to bed."
"See you there."
Lois walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, noticing the dining room table was set up, complete with candlesticks and candles waiting to be lit should the need ever arise. She opened several cabinets before locating the glasses. She pulled the milk out of the fridge and poured some in the glass before putting the jug back. She leaned against the counter to take her first sip, when she realized the water upstairs had already turned off. Clark must have decided on a fast shower. It wasn't surprising. Enhanced abilities or not, it had been a long day and he had to be tired.
Before the 'whoosh' he made could register, he was behind her, his arms wrapping around her waist. She leaned her head back against him. "That was fast."
He chuckled lightly. "I figured if I wanted more than just a little good night kiss, I'd better find you before you made it back upstairs," he said kissing her shoulder and then the side of her neck.
She set her milk on the counter and turned in his arms. "Oh, you want a kiss do you?" She smiled up at him.
"Well, somehow it just didn't feel right with everyone else here."
It was her turn to laugh. "You didn't want to make –out with an audience."
He smiled at her. "I didn't say I wanted to make-out. I said I wanted more than a little good night kiss."
She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him gently. "How's that?"
"Not bad." He kissed her. It was a long, slow, gentle kiss. A kiss for the sake of the kiss.
"Better?"
"Definitely." He gave her another quick kiss.
She yawned. "I think it's time for bed, though."
"Race you. Loser has to do dishes tomorrow."
Lois laughed. "No fair. You'll always beat me and you don't mind doing dishes."
"Hmm, then hold on." He wrapped his arms tighter around her and zoomed her up to their new room.
*****
"Do we have to get up?" Lois groaned, her words muffled under the comforter.
"Not really," Clark mumbled. "But you're the one who insisted on setting an alarm even though we have nowhere to be today and nothing to do until Lucy and Jimmy come over this afternoon."
"Then turn it off. I want to go back to sleep."
Clark obliged and wrapped his arms around her, cocooning with her under the blankets.
It was several hours later when Clark sat down on the couch. "We've moved this stuff fourteen times."
Lois sat next to him and patted his leg. "I know, but you don't mind, really? Do you?"
He smiled at her and pulled her to him, kissing the side of her head. "No, not really, but I wish we could decide where we want everything."
She looked around. "I think this is good, for now at least."
"Good." He grinned at her. "You know what I was thinking?"
Her eyes narrowed as she contemplated the look on his face. "That we need to have our first real make-out session in our new home?"
"You're a mind reader, aren't you?" he asked as he moved closer to her.
She laughed lightly. "No, I just know you." She closed the rest of the distance between them.
The first brush of their lips was interrupted by the shrill of the phone.
Clark groaned and rested his forehead against hers. "Ten to one it's Jimmy."
Lois giggled. "Probably."
He reached for the phone. "Hello?" He smiled at her. "Hey, Jimmy."
Lois smiled at him, before standing up and heading back upstairs.
When she came back down a few minutes later, he had his feet propped up on the coffee table and the Metropolis Meteors game on. "No!" he yelled. "That was interference!"
Lois laughed. He glanced up at her. "Seriously. If the Meteors win, they'll go to the Super Bowl and that was totally interference."
"If you say so. What did Jimmy say?"
"They're on their way over."
She sat next to him and rested her head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her. "Good." She yawned. "Why am I so tired?"
He shrugged. "It's been a long week. Why don't you take a bit of a nap before they get here?"
"Sounds good," she said snuggling in next to him.
In no time, she was sound asleep.
*****
Monday, Perry welcomed them to the news floor with open arms.
Their first investigation was underway before long, a story about corruption at city hall and mishandling of discretionary funds. They were developing a network of snitches – including a guy Clark had met during their time at the Star. His name was Bobby Bigmouth and he loved the food Clark brought him even though he didn't know it actually came from different places around the world.
Lucy's pregnancy was progressing well, though morning sickness continued with a vengeance. They'd decided that she was going to work at the Planet around her school schedule and Stern had recently opened a day care for the children of staff members.
So life started to settle into a routine for the Lane and Kent team. They worked on finishing their series on Tokyo and parts of Asia. Stern was talking to them about a book.
And then everything changed again.
*****
There were two lines.
Two lines.
She sank to the floor of the master bathroom in the brownstone.
How on earth could there be two lines?
Okay, she knew *how* there could be two lines, but how could there be two lines?
What would Clark think?
He would be happy, she knew that. They'd talked a little bit in the past about kids. She knew he wanted kids, but they'd always stopped short of discussing when.
How did she tell him they were going to have a baby when she didn't even remember their night together? When she knew she had been raped the same night? When she knew – even though they'd never discussed it in great detail and despite what she'd told him a couple of times – that he felt he was little better than that other man for being with her that night?
She sighed and leaned against the door frame.
Something they had mentioned before – in passing – was that he wasn't technically human. The messages from Jor-El seemed to indicate that they thought he would be biologically compatible with human women but there was no guarantee.
A horrendous thought flitted through her mind. How would they know if Clark was the father of this baby? It wasn't like they could do a DNA test – it would be too risky.
How had things gotten so messed up?
A soft knock on the door brought her out of her reverie. "Lois? Are you okay?"
She took a deep breath. "Clark, we need to talk." She stood and opened the door, holding the object in her hand.
"What is this?" Clark looked puzzled.
Tears began streaming down her face. "It's a pregnancy test."
"You took one." He'd known she was going to but wasn't sure when. He looked at it more closely. "Two lines? What does that mean?"
Lois pushed past him and sat cross-legged in the middle of their bed. "It means I'm pregnant."
"What?" Clark's jaw dropped.
"I'm pregnant, Clark."
"How... I mean, what... I mean..." Clark shook his head as though to clear cobwebs out of his head. "I mean, I know how and I even know when, but... how unlikely is that? That the one night we, you know..." He gestured towards their bed with a hand. "...you get pregnant."
Tears continued to stream down her face. "I know it doesn't seem likely, but I *am* pregnant, Clark."
He sat next to her. "Wow. Pregnant. I guess we know if I am biologically compatible with earth women."
Lois took a deep breath. "Not necessarily."
He was puzzled. "What do you mean?"
"Clark, we talked about this. We're sure I was drugged and probably raped that night. What if..." She ran her hands through her hair. "What if the baby is his?"
Clark took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "You're right – I forgot for a minute. We knew that was a possibility." At Lois' fresh sobs, he moved closer to her. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. "It doesn't matter," he whispered. One hand moved to her stomach. "This is my baby and that's all that matters."
"What if it's not?"
"As far as I'm concerned, this is my baby, honey, and that's all that matters."
"And what if that guy comes back around thinking this is his baby?"
"We won't let him."
"He'll want a DNA test."
"We'll find a way around it."
"We can't risk a DNA test, Clark. If this baby is yours, we can't risk it."
"It won't come to that." He pulled her even closer. He lightly kissed her hair. "Don't worry."
*****
February 1990
*****
They'd discussed for a long time whether or not to go to a regular OB/GYN or try to find a good midwife – maybe even Laura Lang who was a certified midwife, but that would have meant frequent trips to Smallville, and probably living there as Lois' September due date drew closer. Finally, they decided to go with Lucy's doctor who had been highly recommended by Alice as well as a couple of Planet staffers. Lois told Alice only that she needed a recommendation for an OB/GYN, not specifying that she needed prenatal care, leaving Alice to believe she simply needed a routine check-up.
So far, the pregnancy seemed fairly normal, though Lois was exceptionally tired. It seemed like she fell asleep any time she sat down with nothing specific to do. At work, she was okay – when she sat down there, she had work to do. She was more careful that she might have otherwise been when chasing down a story and Clark was much more watchful of her. She knew the day was rapidly approaching that she wouldn't be able to do that anymore – her body simply wasn’t going to let her. In the evenings and on her days off, she slept the vast majority of the time.
She worked with both Jimmy and Lucy often and enjoyed watching her sister continuing to blossom into a beautiful young woman – happy, in love and excited about her impending motherhood.
She’d started seeing a psychologist and her visits with Dr. Friskin were going well. Alice had a Master's Degree in Psychology, though she'd never used it or taken the tests to be licensed. She'd talked with Lois whenever the opportunity arose but it wasn't like 'real therapy'. Alice had also worked with Dr. Friskin on a number of occasions on fundraisers for battered women and the like. Lois and Clark worked with Dr. Friskin both individually and as a couple and progress was being made. They'd only told their family that she was still dealing with some things from childhood and the assault nearly two years earlier.
Lois had blurted something out in one session that made a few more things snap into place. She remembered a snippet of conversation between her parents when she was fairly young – probably seven or eight. They didn't know she'd overheard and it wasn't something that she'd remembered on a conscious level, but given her strong reluctance to take that final step with Clark, Dr. Friskin agreed that it had probably imbedded itself deep in her psyche.
"Sam, why on earth do you bring your girlfriends home?" her mom had slurred.
"I can do what I want," her dad replied. "What are you going to do about it? Leave?"
"Maybe."
"No, you won't. You can't take care of two girls. I know you thought once you were pregnant with Lois I'd be home more, but that's not the way it works. I'm working to support the three of you."
"I could take care of us."
He'd laughed. "Right. You're drunk all the time. You're monetarily dependent on me and you know it. You'd never make it without me around."
"What about child support?"
"Not enough and you know it."
"You did it on purpose, didn't you?"
"What?"
"Get me pregnant so soon after we got married and then again with Lucy so soon after Lois."
"Why on earth would I do that?" he'd said, without inflection.
"To make me totally dependent on you. So I would put up with anything and not leave."
He shrugged. "Think what you will."Dr. Friskin believed that on a subconscious level, she was afraid of getting pregnant before she was ready and becoming completely dependent on Clark.
She *was* dependent on Clark, but not like her mom had been on her dad.
She depended on him as her friend, her confidant, as someone who would always be there for her, regardless. Financially, she was secure. *If* she and Clark were to split and she got half of everything, she'd still be pretty well off. But she didn't think Clark was going anywhere.
No.
She *knew* Clark wasn't going anywhere.
And she *wanted* this baby, even if he or she hadn't been planned.
Didn't she?
Just then, Clark sat on the edge of Lois' desk, interrupting her train of thought. "Know what I saw today?"
She leaned back in her chair. "What?"
"Print ad for 'Back to the Future III'."
Her eyes lit up. "Did it say what year Doc went to?"
"No, but the clothes looked like 1800s to me."
"Hmm... do you know where those pieces of paper are?"
He grinned. "Sure do."
"Did you look at mine?" she asked, her eyes narrowing.
"No, but as soon as we get home, I'm getting them out. One of the entertainment shows is supposed to have Michael J. Fox on it tonight. I bet we'll find out then."
"Deal." She picked up a phone message. "Aunt Louise's lawyer called and I told him which answers had changed since last year and he said he'd start the transfer of the rest of the funds."
"Really?" Clark raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah. He said that one stipulation was the five year mark, which we've hit. The other... he didn't go into details but he just said it something to do with kids and when we made a decision about kids or me getting pregnant or finding out we couldn’t get pregnant or deciding we didn't want kids or something." She shrugged. "I didn't really follow him. Twenty percent of that disbursement goes into a college fund for this and any other babies we may have. He said it should be transferred in the next couple weeks."
"Well, that takes care of college for Junior then."
"Kent! My office! Now!"
Clark kissed her quickly. "Duty bellows."
She smiled and watched him walk across the bullpen to Perry's office. At least that was one worry off their minds.
*****
"Dr. Friskin, how could I not have known?" Clark rested his forearms on his knees. He stood and paced around the room, his voice starting to gain volume. "She's my *wife*. I know her better than anyone. How could I not have realized she was impaired? And once we... you know, how could I have not realized it wasn't her first time?"
"Clark, you need to calm down a bit."
He took a deep breath and stared out the window.
"How long had you two been married?"
"It was our fifth anniversary."
"And had the two of you been together before that night?"
He shook his head. "No."
"Had she ever been with another man, to the best of your knowledge?"
"No, she never had."
"You're sure?"
He glared at her before answering. "Yes."
"And you expected some sort of... physical manifestation that it was her first time?"
"Well, yeah."
"Is it possible that there simply wasn't one?"
"What?"
"Not all women experience discomfort or tearing or bleeding or anything like that the first time they have intercourse. Most do, to some extent, but not all. Is it possible that Lois was one of those women?"
He shrugged. "I suppose. She suggested something like that, too, but... it still didn't even occur to me at the time that there was another possibility. I was just so grateful that I hadn't hurt her..."
"So, she'd never been with another man and the two of you had never been together."
"Right."
"Why not?"
"Lois has serious trust issues. She thought I was cheating on her for a long time. Her parents had conditioned her to believe men couldn’t be monogamous. Then she was nearly raped and had to work through that. Combined with a number of other things that her parents had told her growing up... She was very skittish about a physical relationship. She is again, now."
"So she was getting better?"
He nodded. "We were taking it slowly. She always had control of the boundaries and she knew I wouldn’t let either of us push the lines farther than we'd already agreed on in the heat of the moment. And she never tried. We had a couple of prearranged signals if she was ready to take that final step and, for whatever reason, didn't want to talk about it beforehand."
"And did she give you one of those signals?"
"Yeah, she did."
"And had the two of you been progressing in your physical relationship?"
He nodded.
"Did it seem likely that this was the next step?"
"It did. We'd had some pretty heavy make-out sessions. Always in the living room. The bedroom was off limits for date stuff. We always had at least some clothes on, but I guess you'd call it at least light petting, probably more than that."
"So that she wanted to be with you that night wasn't a surprise?"
He shook his head. "No. I'd hoped for it and she told me later she'd planned it, but that's not what happened. What happened was that she was drugged and probably raped by someone else and I didn't notice."
"So, you're having a big anniversary. You were hoping that it was the night. It turned out she was planning on it being the night. And when it happened, you didn't notice that she was impaired?"
"Right."
"How did she seem?"
"What do you mean?"
"Was she responsive to you?"
"Yes."
"Were her words clear or slurred?"
"Clear."
"Did she smell funny – like an overwhelming smell of alcohol, another man's cologne or anything else abnormal?"
"Not that I noticed, but she'd also taken a shower before I got home."
"Were her pupils dilated?"
He thought about it. "I don't know."
"Was the room bright or dark?"
"Dark."
"So would you have noticed if they were?"
"Maybe not," he admitted with a sigh.
"Did she ever give you the slightest indication, with words or deeds, that she wanted you to stop?"
"No," he said quietly.
"And since it was your first experience together, was there any way for you to know if her reactions were normal or not?"
"No."
"Given the limited experience the two of you had together previously and any book knowledge you might have on the subject, was there any indications that her reactions were not normal?"
"No."
"So there were no apparent physical signs of impairment or abnormal behavior. She never said or did anything that indicated she wasn't okay with what was happening and it was something that you both had either planned or hoped would happen that night. What do you think?"
He sat back down on the couch. "I guess there's not any real reason why I should have known she'd been drugged." He leaned back and covered his face with his hands. "But I should have known. She's my wife and I promised to never hurt her and to always protect her and I didn't succeed in either of those."
"Does she hold you responsible?"
He shook his head. "No, she doesn't. She said she didn't think there was any way I could have known."
"So why do you hold yourself responsible?"
He didn't have an answer for that.
*****
TBC
