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#34707 11/28/06 09:10 AM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 1,662
woody Offline OP
Merriwether
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Merriwether
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 1,662
Very good. Can't wait to see where you go with this.

I kinda had a hunch that there was something wrong a tax bureau in a warehouse, but nice job on the WHAM.

Wonderful cliffhanger(pun intended).


I think, therefore, I get bananas.

When in doubt, think about time travel conundrums. You'll confuse yourself so you can forget what you were in doubt about.

What's the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?
I don't know and I don't care one way or the other.
#34708 11/28/06 12:02 PM
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,883
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Merriwether
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Merriwether
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Posts: 1,883
You have such great imagery:

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like fate had decided to toss a steaming mass of overcooked spaghetti into the too-small strainer of her life.
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it was just that Lois was one of those gifted people that could be crossing a street, get knocked from behind by a random-passing android-disguised as a human woman, fall down and lose her memory only to be brought to a doctor that was trying to brain-wash their patients as assassins.
And that that second one is really funny. smile

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She watched for a minute before looking back at Glutwich, her smile vanishing behind a glare. To think that the sour woman probably spent her free hours here staring at Superman’s rescues whenever they came up on the screen. She probably lived just to see those short glimpses on the TV, but was smart enough not to show it in front of her. Lois’s blood turned bitter. How dare the woman! She was old enough to be his grandmother.
Classic unreasonable Lois.

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He straightened, and Lois went very, very still as she blinked down the barrel of a gun.
Wow, that was a quite a sudden turn.

Very interesting beginning.


lisa in the sky with diamonds
#34709 11/28/06 01:02 PM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 234
Hack from Nowheresville
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Hack from Nowheresville
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 234
Oooh! My first 2 reviews ever. Man, if this is how it always feels to get reviews maybe I had better reviewing my favorite authors more often.

Thank you thank you thank you laugh

I'll probably be posting the second chapter later tonight or tomorrow morning.

SmirkyRaven

Nevermore!

#34710 11/28/06 02:24 PM
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,763
Merriwether
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Merriwether
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,763
Hello!

First off I like the title - Darkest Dreams
Secondly I like your name - Smirk the Raven - because Ravens are one of my favourite creatures. Combined with “Smirk”, there is a cuteness factor I like. If you were not aiming for cute, my apologies. I have a tendency to call everything I like cute.

I really find everything awesome. To the point that I would have to quote 95% of the story.

Starting off with the whole spaghetti reference and ending with a cliff-hanger that jumped out at me were great. I did realize something was fishy about the building she was in, but I didn't expect the gun to come out just then. Perhaps it isn't really a gun but just a simile? Ugh...maybe that's the wrong word. Yeah, I think it is, but I can't think of the proper one. I just spent the last hour shovelling so all my blood is not in my brain. (That's my excuse.)

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“Excuse me, Miss Glutwich,” Lois said, noting the desk plaque bearing the bold letters “Francine Glutwich.” What a perfectly awful name.
Hehe. thumbsup

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“Sit down. It will be a few minutes.”
That's not going to happen...

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Lois purposefully did not move to the couch to follow Francine Glutwich’s brisk instructions [...]
YUP! Great line!

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The weatherman stared dully out of the screen.
He so knows he's going to get the weather wrong again.

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She never did trust those with the good looks. They usually turned out to be the poisonous ones.
hyper
Sigh - I'm looking forward to the angst. Perhaps that type of angst will appear in this story. If not, ALL angst is great. I'm in dire need of a dose.

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Warnings: I love deep, wrenching angst of both the physical and psychological facets. If you don’t like it, don’t read.
Oh most excellent. <rubs hands together and does an low evil laugh>


I've converted to lurk-ism... hopefully only temporary.
#34711 11/28/06 05:35 PM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 234
Hack from Nowheresville
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Hack from Nowheresville
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 234
Thank you all so much! I'm so glad you are liking it. I've never let any of my fiction writing to be read by more than...well...one person, so I'm glad that it's being well received.

Indeed the angst is well on it's way. I'm too impatient to dally along too much before getting down to business... angel-devil

You guys completely made my day by responding. I hope I can keep up to your expectations!

I'm not necessarily a "cute" person myself--but I take it as a compliment, SuperRoo. I love ravens as well, and "Smirky" is a nickname I've had for some long years...it has a nice snap to it, I think.

I'm just wrapping up a few things for the next chapter. I'm planning on sleeping on it, reading through it quickly in the morning to make sure everything's ship-shape, and then posting it sometime in the mid-morning (for me).

Thank you all so much!

Smirk the Raven

#34712 11/28/06 05:39 PM
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 3,145
Likes: 3
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 3,145
Likes: 3
Very good start. And yes, you definitely should leave feedback for stories you like. As you have just discovered, it's like a long drink of ice water after a hot, sweaty day of yard work.

Why wouldn't Lois be sent to room 42? According to the super-super-super computer described in one of Douglas Adams' Hitchiker novels, '42' is the meaning of the universe.

Sorry, I don't understand it either. But I thought of it as soon as Ms. Glutwich (cue frightened horse whinny) told Lois which room to enter.

And why is Lois surprised to have a firearm pointed at her? Surely she hasn't reached her threat quota for the week already. Or has the IRS begun issuing weapons to collection agents?

And yes, this was a very good (or very bad) place to stop. You've guaranteed that I'm tuning in next week, same Super-time, same Super-channel.


Life isn't a support system for writing. It's the other way around.

- Stephen King, from On Writing
#34713 12/01/06 02:46 PM
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 3,846
Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 3,846
Hi,

Interesting start! hyper


Maria D. Ferdez.
---
Don't like Luthor, unfinished, untitled and crossover story, and people that promises and don't deliver. I'm getting choosy with age.
MAF

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