Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic So Far Away 6/21

**This chapter has an nfic version over in that folder.**

TOC found here

Chapter 6: I'm All Right, It Only Hurts When I Breathe
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Late February 1997
9 months, 15 Days Since Clark Left Home

"And I can't ask for things to be still again
No, I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
But home is a feeling I buried in you..."

Breathe by Melissa Etheridge
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She could feel him now. Full throttle. She took straggling breaths as she paced the length of the front porch, the echo of his pain, her pain, their pain, keening and reverberating soundly in her chest.

Kallie was wailing, and Lois feared that she was feeling everything with them. She held her upright, chest to chest, and tried to slow her frantic steps. She held Kallie tightly and added a bounce to her hold to try and help soothe her. "I know, bug. I know. I'm so sorry. It's okay. It'll be okay. Shhhh."

After a few minutes, Kallie quieted to a whimper, both their breathing slowed. Lois breathed a sigh of relief that the intensity had waned, but Kallie was still hungry. She sat on the porch swing and lifted her damp shirt, and Kallie latched on ravenously.

Well, if she’d ever had any question that the connection with her Clark was wholly different, stronger and more intense than what she’d shared with the other Clark, she had her answer. She’d always felt a special connection with Clark, even before they’d started dating. It’d only grown stronger as they’d gotten closer, as partners turned into friends turned into a couple turned into lovers. And now parents.

She’d always thought this was just what falling in love and being in love felt like. But after having an echo of a connection with the other Clark, and a fierce and profound connection with her Clark...she wondered if it was a Kryptonian trait. Maybe that was what he’d intended to tell her yesterday, about his physiology?

She looked down at Kallie, finally calmed and her suckling more slow and rhythmic than frantic. Her big brown eyes seemed to be searching Lois’ face for a moment before focusing back on her task at hand. Did their little baby share the connection? Or had she just been feeling her mother’s upset? Her little hand was swatting against Lois’ breast. Lois put her finger against her palm, and her tiny fingers wrapped around it, grasping and holding tight. She felt the love and warmth surge in her chest, soothing the pain from earlier.

“I didn’t know it was possible to love someone so much,” she told Kallie. Then she whispered, "I think I might even love you more than your daddy, but shhh, don't tell him."

"Hey," a quiet voice said from behind the screen door. "I heard that." He smiled as he opened the screen door and came out on the porch, letting it fall shut with a creak and a whump of wood against wood. He pointed up and behind him. "I guess I should oil that for Mom and Dad."

Lois looked up at Clark, who was now freshly showered, shaven, and dressed. Her heart did a little flip. She hadn't seen him like this in so long. Her Clark. A pair of worn blue jeans, a blue and gray plaid shirt tucked in, and no glasses. So handsome. And so...she furrowed her brow. She wasn't sure what he was feeling. His face still held a tentative smile, but the connection was now only broadcasting static.

He toed one of his sneakers gently against the woodgrain in the porch. Well, nervous or unsure was definitely one of his feelings. "Is it...okay if I join you?" he asked, gesturing at the space beside her on the swing.

"Of course," she said softly, giving him a smile.

He sat and started them swinging at a leisurely pace. Lois put her hand down on the cushion between them, palm up, and motioned for his hand. He threaded his fingers through hers and smiled at her as though grateful for the gesture.

"You shaved," she said idly, because she'd been distracted by the smoothness and the cut of his jaw and because she couldn't find a better conversation starter.

His free hand came up to draw against his cheek and chin. "Sorry," he said, grimacing.

"No, no, it's okay! I was just noticing, that's all. It's good to see your face again, like normal." She gave his hand a small squeeze.

He winced a little. "Yeah, normal."

"Heh, yeah. I guess normal isn't exactly our watchword," she said, looking down at their hands. They were silent for a minute before she asked, "Are we going to be okay, Clark?"

"We have to be," he said, his voice rough and strained. "I need us to be."

"Me too," she agreed and tightened her hand around his. "Should we...talk about...that?" she asked, indicating with a nod toward their bedroom and the torrential onslaught of emotions they'd shared.

"I...don't know," he said, sounding defeated and weak as he ran his free hand through his hair, something he always did when he was frustrated.

"We don't have to...right now. I know that was...intense." She paused, wondering if it was okay to ask about it, if it would upset him or not. She risked it. "I was hoping you could maybe answer one question, though?"

He looked over at her, his forehead creased with worry. "I'll try," he said, his voice a little ragged.

"Thanks." She smiled at him. "I'm not even quite sure how to ask this...but, that...I don't know what to call it, episode? Outburst? Was that...is that a Kryptonian thing? The feelings?"

She held fast to his hand and watched his face as she waited for an answer. A whole range of emotions played on his face, but it ended with the faintest of smiles.

"Yeah," he said softly. "Yeah, it is." He brought their joined hands over to his lap to rest on this thigh and looked down as though examining them. He ran his thumb over her forefinger gently. "I'm...I'm sorry it was so intense."

"Hey," she said, bringing their hands up a little to motion for him to look at her. When he did, she loosed her hand free and moved to stroke his smooth cheek. "We were both a little intense. This...us..." She sighed and shook her head, fumbling for the right words. "We have a lot of feelings to catch up on, if that makes any sense. It's going to take some time."

He nodded weakly and ducked his head back down, and she knew this was the wrong time to ask a follow-up question. There was probably a very good reason she couldn't feel his emotions right now. But she couldn't help but wonder if this on/off switch that he seemed to have for them was a conscious choice, or if things only really worked between a Kryptonian and a human when emotions were running high.

Kallie started mewling, and Lois' hand dropped from Clark's face and came to pull her shirt back down. "I'm sorry, sweetie!" Lois shifted her upright and positioned her over her shoulder, supporting her head and neck with one hand and patting her back with the other. "Mommy forgot to burp you."

She heard a...not exactly a burp and then the telltale warm wetness running down the back of her shoulder. She frowned and scrunched up her nose. Lois moved to cradle Kallie again and wiped her mouth with the hem of her now completely soiled and damp shirt.

Then she passed her off to a startled and slightly disturbed-looking Clark. He held out his arms and must have realized it was wise not to say anything. "Here, you can have your spit-up machine while I go take a shower." She paused only to bend down and give him a quick kiss on the lips before she disappeared into the house.

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Once in the bedroom, the door closed, Lois stripped off her shorts and underwear and took care in working the shirt over her head without getting any additional spit up on her. She tossed everything into the clothes hamper to worry about later.

She padded to the en suite bathroom, finding herself feeling grateful yet again that the Kents had remodeled Clark’s old room after he’d left for college and traveling. They had figured he’d want a more private set up when he was home visiting.

Now she eyed the bathtub longingly...It’d been ages since she’d had a proper bath, warned as she was by the doctor and the pregnancy books not to submerge herself in hot water.

She smiled and plugged the drain, then turned on the water full force and just shy of scalding. No more lukewarm baths for her! She took a moment to examine herself in the mirror, something she’d not been particularly eager to do, not that she was outright avoiding her reflection or anything. She just found it a bit disconcerting, not quite recognizing the woman staring back at her.

She pulled the elastic holding up her ponytail and let her hair fall down. It reached just past her collarbone now; the longest she’d ever had it since high school. She ran a hand through her hair and pulled away a fistful of it, frowning. It had been happening a lot lately. Usually it just came off in her brush or she had to fish it out of the shower drain. Though she'd read about hair loss after pregnancy, the reality of it was slightly jarring.

So much had changed. Her face and overall figure were slightly more full, and her stomach still had a pronounced pooch, though somewhat deflated, like a balloon that had lost only a little bit of air. Her hips still maintained that roundness from pregnancy, and the linea nigra—the dark line that bisected her stomach—remained.

This was not her body. Couldn't be her body. Couldn't be her face. The woman in the mirror was beyond tired with dark bags under her eyes to prove it. She wore no makeup and had been living in comfy clothes and nursing bras—or no bras—ever since Kallie was born.

Where was the woman who practically lived in well-made business suits? The woman who applied her makeup every single day and took so much pride in her appearance? Where was the woman who spent her days chasing down leads for stories at the Daily Planet? That woman seemed like she belonged to a different life—a life that had included Clark by her side every step of the way.

She couldn’t even remember the last time she’d applied makeup, nor the last time she’d worn anything that didn’t have easy access for Kallie to feed. And as for Clark? Well, he’d left and come back to a different Lois. A Lois who felt more uncertain and unsure of herself. A Lois who spent every waking moment attending to the needs of the tiny little person they’d created and who wasn’t sure how to let go of some of the control in order to let him be a part of that.

A Lois who thought that taking a bath was a luxury. She sighed and shook her head, turning off the water as it finished filling the tub. She reached in and touched the water, pulling her hand back immediately. Too hot. She'd made it a little too hot. She'd need to wait a moment before she could get in. Immediately, she felt slightly anxious about taking too long in the bathroom. Kallie would be fine. She knew that and yet...Her thoughts drifted back to Clark and how lost he seemed to be.

She had him back. He was here. Their family was complete. There were times she thought she'd never see him again but somehow, miraculously, they had gotten a second chance. She might look different and feel different, but Clark was here. Things were hard right now...they were both feeling awkward and unsure, but she had to hold on to the fact that she knew he loved her.

That much she knew. That was what she held on to. Even as she watched him struggle with whatever he'd gone through on New Krypton, she told herself that eventually he'd open up. Eventually, he'd talk to her. Eventually, they would find their rhythm again—and it would feel as if he were truly home.

She tested the water again. It was still hot, but she was able to step into the tub now, allowing her body to sink down slowly into it. She let out a long satisfied breath as she did so. She felt her body relax almost instantly. The water washed over her and she closed her eyes, savoring the feeling of being enveloped by warmth.

Part of her wondered about how Clark felt about her body now that it'd changed. For some reason, he'd taken care to try to hide some of his more heated looks from her. She knew part of his hesitation was because of Kallie and part of it was because he was so unsure of his place now that he was back. Until this morning, she'd wondered if he also felt hesitant about pushing their physical relationship.

Her entire body had in some way, shape, and form been dedicated to the feeding and nurturing of Kallie. Clark hadn't been the only one feeling awkward. Lois hadn't realized that, until now, she hadn't given herself permission to feel desirable or sexy. Now, it was as if a curtain had suddenly lifted, and she saw the woman instead of the mother.

She hadn't realized it, but she'd been feeling as if she had to be one or the other—but not both. But that was ridiculous. Lois Lane, Kerth Award-winning journalist hadn't up and disappeared simply because she'd become a mother—any more than Clark had stopped wanting her for that same reason. She'd just hadn't given herself the time or understanding.

Lois realized now that she existed under so many different monikers—mother, partner of Clark Kent, fiancée, prize-winning journalist, but never just...Lois. But here in this bathroom, she allowed herself to let go of these titles and just...be.

She felt her body relax completely in the now-warm bath, tension she hadn't even known she had been holding onto had drained from her. And for the first time in a while she felt...whole.

Comments
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lovetvfan wrote pretty much all the of the second half of this chapter! Thank you, Twinnie!