Hi peixinho!
Clark decides it’s time to make an out-of-this-world revelation to his girlfriend.
Is he going to finally give in and show her what a heavenly lover he is?
LOIS: Sex. Always Sex. You can’t even obsess about having sex with your exclusive boyfriend of several months without him starting to consider the theoretical idea of eventually planning to have a conversation about perhaps moving our relationship towards a physical expression of our love. Maybe even as soon as on our first wedding night.
Red alert! Bombs! Explosions! Fires! Panic! Chaos! Run for your lives!
So, physical intimacy being brought up again by her libido?
The unthinkable had happened: Lois Lane was in love!
Panic. Baton down the hatches! Ready the bunkers! Repent your sins! For the end is nigh!
Then he became her coworker, and turning him into her rival in the newsroom didn’t work out, because they ended up becoming occasional partners.
Which actually helped in defusing the tension somewhat. After all, sexual tension doesn’t mix well with professional competition
And finally, when Clark suggested they become official boyfriend and girlfriend, she agreed, despite all the drama of the situation.
What if he’s secretly planting subliminal messages in her copy?
As a result, the anti-romance (and anti-trauma) little soldiers in her brain had been running around for weeks, unable to understand what was happening. We’ve been working so hard to protect you, and this is what you do?, they would scream in their tiny little voices.
It’s the main reason why so many soldiers in brains civilian governments would prefer the rule of a junta.
But when you work every day with a man who is kind, polite, smart, and handsome — and who, on top of all that, is interested enough in you that you go out at least once a week — there’s not much you can do.
Oh, there’s a lot she could do. She could say ‘no’. She could date random guys at a bar. She could fawn over The Blur. She could try and land a date with the third-richest (TM) man on the planet (well, the city, but who’s counting). She could even join a nunnery (sic).
That happened the day Lois allowed herself to give her boyfriend a little peck on the cheek after arriving at the Daily Planet.
Boy, she’s totally smitten by her little boy-toy.
Hearing Cat’s sarcastic comments and the newsroom gossip was awful... but it soon passed.
Like the … hot wind it was.
She was even forced to join them, despite having initially refused under the pretense of not wanting to intrude.
I’m sure that attempt lasted long.
and a few days later received a glorious massage from him after spending an entire night stuck on a stressful stakeout.
Now I’m thinking … umm… Momentum II by Kathy Brown.
So, four months after the first date and one month into being Clark Kent's official girlfriend, Lois found herself vulnerable enough to admit she was in love.
Rest of the newsroom: It’s about time! Who had four months? No, not *that*, Cat.
However, Lois knew rationally that this time, her experience as someone's girlfriend was being… good.
Well, except for one thing.
His intimacy issues? Or her lack of intimacy issues?
Well, except for one thing.
"So, you two haven't slept together yet?"
See? Even Lucy’s confused.
Lois choked on the water she was drinking and shot her younger sister a fiery glare.
Also, they’ve slept together plenty of times, thank you very much. Just last week, they slept together in her Jeep for half the night.
"What?" Lucy shrugged, leaning casually against the kitchen counter. "I couldn't help but notice a certain tension in the air."
No, and that tension will rise for a couple more years.
However, Lois knew rationally that this time, her experience as someone's girlfriend was being… good.
Well, except for one thing.
[...]
Lois sighed. Right, so there were actually two things.
Being a tad frustrated by her lack of intimacy issues?
The first had to do with Clark's constant disappearances and his lies that didn't explain them, and the second… was that.
Not that they’re related. Or to the fact that Clark disappears into the closet or the washroom when tensions rise.
A month ago, she had been terrified at the mere thought of sex, but soon she discovered that the idea of having greater emotional and physical intimacy with Clark was growing increasingly appealing.
Yes, libido is no longer being suppressed and now she’s starting to have...issues.
That might have started on the day of the massage, Lois believed. Before that, she had always dedicated at least a few moments of her day to revisiting the plan she’d drafted on the day they'd made the relationship official, about what she would do with him on her couch, but it was after the massage that she decided to start dropping hints and clearer signals on the subject — and so far, she had gotten no results.
Oh that’s the most adorably cute thing ever! Also, she might need to draw him a diagram. He doesn’t really understand the concept. You see, on the farm, the chickens came from eggs and the calves from the cow market. There was that *one* article about the mating habits of the knob-tailed gecko, but that only explained how the male gecko threw berries on passing-by people and reporters to impress the female gecko. The actual IKEA-instructions still sit unopened in a plastic sleeve in his bedroom, together with the latex dress and the leash that came stuffed in the side compartment of the space capsule.
Of course, it was still too early to think that not having slept together was a problem,
Except that they’ve spent more time together than some couples who have already been married for several years.
but she had even told Clark he had nice hands, for God's sake! That was practically an explicit invitation.
Umm...no...only in 19th-century English romance novels.
Either he was too slow to understand the obvious, or he simply wasn't interested.
She could try the robe thing. Also, you skipped the Pheromones, didn’t you?
Could it be that he's not interested? Suddenly, it became essential to get a second opinion on the matter. Even more essential than following her instinct for self-preservation.
Yes, he’s actually far more interested in Jimmy, but too shy to say so. As for the rest, there’s no way that could backfire. I’m assuming she will have Cat perform a test.
They took the opportunity to give Clark a ride too, who ended up sitting in the passenger seat after Lucy insisted she would sit in the back.
Little sneak wanted to observe the male and female reporters in their natural habitat during mating season?
"Not much, but I could tell. You said goodbye with a really dull little kiss…”
Like an old married couple?
Of course today was dull, there was a third person present.
Yes, they didn’t want to give a show. Right.
“Hmmm. So he's the one who doesn't want it, huh? That's quite a plot twist...”
Like he’s married or something?
That didn't help at all. "Lucy, what if he doesn't like women like that?
Yes. That’s it! He prefers women with a more...greenish skin tone and tentacles.
I can't believe I went through this whole process of —" Lois cleared her throat. "— of letting myself date again, only to find out my boyfriend is gay!"
He’s a considerate. A great listener. Wonderful sense of fashion. And no risk of cheating on her with her sister or female coworkers. Perfect boyfriend.
LOIS: He won’t have sex with me!
READER: Nobody’s perfect?
Had growing up in a small town like Smallville made him hide his true sexuality?
Yes. Sort of. He’s into alien women. You know, women not born of Krypton.
Lucy couldn’t hold back her guffaw any longer. “You should have seen the look on your face! Of course he’s not gay, you idiot! I was just pulling your leg.”
Oh, that’s a fun tease! Don’t tell Lois I said so!
You planted a seed in my head! I'm going to keep thinking that maybe he's gay!"
/points at one sure-fire way to find out/ It just...involves a different type of clothing.
"But he could also be a virgin, you never know."
Lois let out an incredulous snort. "No way."
Lucy’s jokes are getting more and more outlandish!
Maybe he hasn't had many chances to gain experience."
Like behind the Diary Freeze? Under the bleachers. With the bubbly blonde cheerleader. Uh-huh.
"That's where you're wrong! It's in small towns that the biggest sex scandals happen. And perverted practices!
Cross-dressing! Spandex! Weird stuff with paint and candles.
I bet Clark, even with that cute face of his, got up to a lot of mischief in his late teens."
He didn’t even cow-dip!
And what could it be? Had Clark finally surrendered to Cat Grant’s seductions?
Yes, because Lois wasn’t giving it away freely, he was making sure he got the full girlfriend experience with Cat’s assistance.
This is Perry’s fault too, for forcing me to use my days off and leaving them at the Planet without my supervision! T
She could have argued that she needs Clark for an investigation into chalet scams in the New Troy hills.
The logical next step would be to plan a terrible revenge against the two of them.
I’m terribly sorry, but … umm… maybe Lois really could benefit from some healthy intimate attentions by her man?
After crying and eating lots of ice cream, of course.
Molehill meet mountain.
LOIS:
Did the reader call me fat?
“But I have to admit I feel like an idiot now that I know you two aren't actually having sex,” Lucy continued, snapping her out of her thoughts. “I moved into my new apartment early precisely because I realized you two were taking your relationship seriously!”
that’s unexpectedly considerate!
LUCY: I went to college. I had a dorm room. I did not want to experience that situation again!
“This bread is wonderful. Where did you get it?
France? Or is it good black bread more common in Germany?
"God, I don't even know where to begin saying this…"
"I already know. You decided to dump me for Cat.”
Yes, Cat is into artisanal sourdough bread. She got a starter dough with a name and everything.
"No." He shook his head vigorously. "I've never given you any reason to think that, and I don't know where you got that idea–
She had too much time alone. Too many hormones. Too many lonely nights when Clark refused to touch her.
No, wait, I do know: from the voices in your head!
Umm…. I’m not sure that telling her he thinks she has voices in her head is beneficial to their conversation. Or the state of their former relationship.
Lois, you need to stop being so paranoid. Sometimes it hurts me how much you still don't trust me!"
Of course she doesn’t trust him. He’s a man who works with her, disappears on her, and won’t sleep with her. There must be something wrong with him!
What do you want me to imagine, if not the worst-case scenario?"
There’s a burglary option?
“The worst-case scenario? Is that the worst-case scenario? What if I were, let's say, an alien?”
LOIS: Is that an option? Could I get probed by the alien? It’s time, you know?
“Aha! So you do think it’s a bad thing!”
“What do I think is a bad thing?”
“Me being an alien!”
Oops? /Hands them a pair of shovels for digging holes/
Are you an alien, by any chance? Do you have little antennae hidden in your hair?
Only one antenna. And it’s well… I won’t discuss the rest on the boards.
Don’t tell me you also have green skin and cover it up with makeup every day!”
Don’t be daft! That’s lizard people and they use latex suits. Just ask Lex.
"Lois, I didn't leave you for Cat Grant or anyone else. And I never will. I don't intend to break up with you. Ever."
Now she gets to think he’s a crazy stalker who will put her into the fridge in his apartment!
The truth is, I'm afraid you'll break up with me when you hear what I have to say."
Yes, but he can keep her with him on an island.
"Okay, fine, that was a stupid thing to ask. But then, if you're not with Cat and you're not gay, what's the problem?"
Is she going to spell out the source of her frustration?
"Right." He cleared his throat. "The thing is: I'm the Blur."
Now it’s out. And he didn’t even have to rely on primary colors to do it.
"I know this sounds unbelievable. But I do have special abilities. Powers, you could say."
"Powers?"
"Yeah. I can carry really heavy things, move very fast, fly… Everything the Blur does and more."
Yes, but does he have the power to satisfy Lois Lane?
LOIS: In my experience: No.
It was a shame to abandon such a delicious bread, but Lois had to get up to leave. "Alien. Spaceship. Fermi paradox. Cool, cool. You know what, Clark, I have to go. Um, Lucy asked me to… pick up a package for her!
I did *not* predict that reaction.
And it has to be now. I’d forgotten about the time. But we'll talk later, okay?"
She’s The Blur, too!
Of all the possible reasons Lois had imagined for why Clark was acting so strange, him having a psychotic break wasn’t on the list.
That’s why you always, always check your boyfriend’s medicine cabinet for anti-psychosis medication.
The poor thing must be in shock.
/psst/ that’s animal-like. Maybe ‘guy’?
Maybe, if he went back to his cows and chickens and vegetables, he'd be better in a few weeks.
nah, all he needs is the warm embrace of a woman.
It certainly wasn't safe to let people in the middle of a breakdown fly alone.
Yes. Same as drive alone. He might collide with an airplane or something.
But you didn't expect me to fall for that, did you? That excuse was just as bad as the ones I make up when I need to leave to save someone."
He knows about his excuses? Next you tell me he knows about his ties, too!
CLARK: What about my ties?
Lois challenged Clark to show her those so-called powers.
There’s a fic where he vibrates his fingers very quickly.
Or is there something in your shoes? Do they have some sort of propeller? There's no way you–"
As she spoke, Clark took off his shoes,
Ooooh, yes, he should show her his wireless body. She should be allowed to examine his naked stomach. He could even demonstrate his power to make Lois Lane stop babbling and start floating herself.
Lois gripped his shoulders as he practically waltzed them through the air across the room. Fine, she admitted, so it wasn't a trick. It was just physics collapsing before her eyes. Gravity was dead, suffocated, run over on a sidewalk, exploded to a million tiny pieces. Isaac Newton was certainly rolling over in his grave, and his ghost might very well come after them seeking revenge. No big deal.
Or he had a lot of beans for breakfast.
Yes. Two arms. Two legs. Ten fingers. Ten toes. One tongue. One antenna. Perfectly normal alien.
So intelligent extraterrestrial life really did exist?
He hasn’t yet picked up on her clues about having an intimate relationship, she the jury’s still out about the ‘intelligent’ part.
And his species, of all possibilities, looked just like humans?
/places Clark next to Lois’s former boyfriends/ You were saying…?
Was he truly aware that he had just dropped the biggest news of the century – no, of human history – into the lap of Metropolis’s most ambitious journalist?
/marks down ‘nay’ in the ‘intelligence’ line of the spreadsheet/
Did he trust her that much?
He’s just a simple farm boy standing in front of a city girl...
But somehow, the question that first formed on her lips was, "Is that why we haven't had sex yet?"
one track mind that one has
I do enjoy a one-track double-entendre Lois.
Clark's jaw dropped. "I– We– We haven't– Excuse me?"
"Don't play dumb, you understood me! I've tried to… drop some hints. A few times. And you always changed the subject."
Yes, but she...didn’t drop any clothing. It’s perfectly understandable that he’s confused.
Clark let out a frustrated grunt. She's going to ruin my sanity one day.
And it took him four *months* to realize that?
It doesn't sound very nice to find out you had sex with an alien without knowing that your partner was an alien."
Some of the Greek gods did it all the time! Also, no one likes to find out they’ve been probed by an alien.
But you know I could never feel disgusted by you, right?"
Doesn’t mean she wont start to throw up after enough sleeping was done.
"Don't mention it." Lois gave him a quick pat on the shoulder. "Does this mean we can have sex now?"
I completely did not expect that.
LOIS: It’s been four months. And I was never a patient woman to begin with.
Clark choked. "N-Now?"
"No!" Lois raised her hands, now blushing too.
Science experiment!
"I meant sometime. In the future. When we feel comfortable."
She needs to be more precise. He would never ask her if she’s feeling comfortable!
"Oh!" He stared at her over his glasses. "So you’re asking if my anatomy…?"
"Well, yes, do you have... you know..."
Yes, he has a perfectly normal antenna.
"I do! I have, um, all the parts of a man." That had to be the most awkward conversation he'd ever had.
The Bicentennial Man showed up in the streaming service recently. I think I remember correctly that this was an upgrade. So, he...could be referring to a box somewhere
"About that, I think you could take the lead? At first. And then, as I get the hang of it…"
Lois nodded frantically. "Yes. Yes. That makes sense."
"It does, right? Good. Yeah."
A long, awkward silence settled between them.
Suddenly, Lois realized something.
Most adorable!
"Wait, so that means you're a virgin?"
Lucy was right. Lois will never hear the end of it now.
"Oh, my God." She couldn’t believe Lucy was right! The Lane sisters' imaginary scoreboard would really be lopsided after this. “Oh, my God.”
"But how can you be sure I'm the right person? I mean–"
"Lois." He touched her shoulder gently. "I know."
A warm, comforting feeling welled up in her chest and made her cheeks flush. "Fine! All right. I'll accept your answer, even though you didn't present a rational argument. But just because…"
Lois Lane is out of counter-arguments. I can’t believe it.
She sighed, captivated by his warm brown eyes. "Just because I think I'm in love with you."
Clark’s heart skipped a beat. “You are?”
“I said I think! You really need to stop editing my copy! But, yeah, maybe.”
In front of the altar:
LOIS: I do… I think.
CLARK: - - -
LOIS: Don’t edit my copy!
She slapped his chest. "Stop that. I always have great ideas.
She just recently had the idea that they should have sex!
"Oh!" Clark hoped he wasn't showing just how extremely pleased he was with the proposal. "Sure. My parents would love to show you our home."
MARTHA: So, I made up the bed in your old room…
I have a feeling Martha is going to love my idea."
That’s what he gets for telling the truth.
Clark shuddered, but obeyed and took flight. Between his mother and his girlfriend, he would be lucky if his invulnerability was enough to protect him.
See?
There will be a time skip in the next part, which will be the last in the series.
Given the title, I was thinking we might see Lane Kent. The time skip confirms it. I mean, sure, it could just be their couples-persona, but I don’t think so. Much more symmetry with the first part that way.
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Umm…
Another extremely entertaining part
You’re a most quirky writer
Also, sorry, I think I might have overdone the quoting
Michael
