FDK: Away From The Sun 2/Howabout52? - 08/04/05 03:15 AM
I get to start two threads in a row... sweet 
So, how about 52? I’d be willing to compromise to 52… maybe… perhaps… if I had to.
Ok, now you know how much I love this part, especially since you reworked it a little, but again, as part of the deal I'll highlight some favourite bits...
This part:
Yeah, the first line... 
You know what? Add this part too:
And we'll skip to this part:
Just... talk about opening with a bang. It's so immediate and so... real. And even though you don't say it right away, you *know* who it is. There's no doubt in your mind, and all at once you're filled with a sense of enormous relief and extreme panic. Yes, she's alive! But you don't know for how long 
And... you get so wrapped up you forget, this is Sara, there's basically nothing to worry about... maybe.
But it's ok, because it only lasts until:
I knew what happened, having gone over later chapters. I *knew*. And I *still* sagged in relief.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is GOOD writing. Brilliant
And... the repetition of her breathing. I wont quote it, for fear I'll end up quoting the entire chapter, but... The continual references to Lois breathing are excellent. Not just because it gives you a glimpse into her psyche. Not just because it adds another dimension to the scene. Not just because of that, but because after being convinced she was dead and then scared stiff she'd end up dead anyway, it's nice to see her breathing. :p
The loud banner of comfort... I love that. It tells you so much about her in just that simple line. About what kind of a person she is. She gets comfort from her work, so she's lonely, and if she can find comfort from just a newspaper... after all she'd been through, if she can still find comfort in simple things like that... she must be so strong. And I'm *sure* you planned all of that to come across in that sentence too
Aw... just wait Oi, better hurry up...
Poor Lois
Since I've taken it upon myself to be Lois-hugger-extraordinaire (just ask Sorcha )... {{Lois}}
Wow, Sara. Just wow. That escaped my attention the first time, probably because I was so blown away by the first part, but... WOW.
That says so much. About her situation. About her state of mind. About... her. Can you tell I'm a fan of small sentences with big meanings?
That, though, is an *amazing* line. Really wowishlyamazinglyexcellently... great.
A death certificate covered in dust. Just... wow.
Not only does everyone believe her dead, but there's nobody left to care that she's gone
That's said so eloquently in the next line:
You'd think I'd have learnt to read ahead by now!
You state something and then you explain it. Follow through. It’s a great way to write, an excellent style. Unfortunately it’s not been adapted properly. I mean, really, *what* is with those pesky ‘TBC’s?
Dave (who already saw part 3 and still can’t wait for Monday)
So, how about 52? I’d be willing to compromise to 52… maybe… perhaps… if I had to.
Ok, now you know how much I love this part, especially since you reworked it a little, but again, as part of the deal I'll highlight some favourite bits...
This part:
Quote
She was dying. She. Was. Going. To die.
You know what? Add this part too:
Quote
She cowered, her knees hugged tightly to her chest. The tree bark at her back bit at her, but she pressed closer against it still. Safer. It was safer to guard your back.
Quote
But it was shelter. Precious little shelter.
And... you get so wrapped up you forget, this is Sara, there's basically nothing to worry about... maybe.
But it's ok, because it only lasts until:
Quote
Her eyelids drooped, and she snapped them back open.
She froze.
Wait...
What?
Light...
Artificial light.
Window.
She was looking out a window.
She froze.
Wait...
What?
Light...
Artificial light.
Window.
She was looking out a window.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is GOOD writing. Brilliant
And... the repetition of her breathing. I wont quote it, for fear I'll end up quoting the entire chapter, but... The continual references to Lois breathing are excellent. Not just because it gives you a glimpse into her psyche. Not just because it adds another dimension to the scene. Not just because of that, but because after being convinced she was dead and then scared stiff she'd end up dead anyway, it's nice to see her breathing. :p
Quote
Lois reached down to pick it up and stared at the loud banner of comfort across the top that read "The Daily Planet".
Quote
Her passport - all she had left to prove she was Lois Lane - listed Metropolis as her home, but she couldn't be sure of that anymore. Her parents and Lucy had been dead for ten years. Nothing was there for her anymore, save for Perry. And he thought she was dead.
Oi, better hurry up...Quote
It'd been peculiar, but nothing had come of the situation. But this Lois, the one she'd just seen, had the markings of someone who'd been through a lot. Too much.
Since I've taken it upon myself to be Lois-hugger-extraordinaire (just ask Sorcha
)... {{Lois}}Quote
And now the only piece of paper that bore her name was a death certificate, and even that was covered in dust.
That says so much. About her situation. About her state of mind. About... her. Can you tell I'm a fan of small sentences with big meanings?
That, though, is an *amazing* line. Really wowishlyamazinglyexcellently... great.
A death certificate covered in dust. Just... wow.
Not only does everyone believe her dead, but there's nobody left to care that she's gone
That's said so eloquently in the next line:
Quote
She thought she'd be fine once she got back, but she wasn't. She had nothing. No job, no money, no place to live, and nobody to care that Lois Lane was back from the dead.
You state something and then you explain it. Follow through. It’s a great way to write, an excellent style. Unfortunately it’s not been adapted properly. I mean, really, *what* is with those pesky ‘TBC’s?
Dave (who already saw part 3 and still can’t wait for Monday)
