Love and Secrets
Clark sat at his desk, watching Lois fix herself coffee. He had been planning to make his move all week, and today he finally found the courage. He took a deep breath and steeled his nerves. With a determined look on his face, he stood and walked over to her. "Uh Lois... I- I want to ask you something," he said nervously.
"Ooh, I'm not going to like it, am I?" Lois replied as she poured creamer into her mug.
"What makes you say that?" he asked warily.
"You've got that tone in your voice, you know, that people get when they're uncomfortable. Like when they want to borrow your car, or money, your clothes..."
"Okay, you got me. I want to borrow your clothes," he said with a smirk.
"I bet you'd look real cute in black chiffon," Lois teased. Clark chuckled at her antics. She finished doctoring her coffee and started for her desk.
Clark trailed behind her, struggling to get his words out. "Uh, what I want to say is, uh--"
"I know what you want, Clark," Lois interrupted.
"You do?"
"I know you a lot better than you think. How much do you need?"
"What?" Clark asked incredulously. "No, I don't want money, Lois--"
"Clark, you don't have to be embarrassed," she interrupted again. "That's what friends are for. Just tell me how much." She turned away from him and took a sip of her coffee as she arrived at her desk.
Clark stopped a few paces behind her. Finally able to get a word in edgewise, he said, "Lois, I want you to go out with me."
"What?" Lois was stunned. She slowly turned back to face him. Clark swallowed nervously as she contemplated him for a moment, a bit confused. She stepped the few paces back toward him and said, "You're asking me out?"
Clark put his hands in his pockets to keep from fidgeting. "Yeah. You know.... like on a date?"
"A date." She took another step closer. "You mean like a real date? Where I take out my good perfume, the one that I got after I saw 'Love Affair', the good one, not the remake, and I put a dab behind my knee, I don't even know why?"
Clark was reassured to see Lois start to smile as she spoke, and he grinned in relief as he replied, "Yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying."
Lois's smile faded as she became flustered. "Well, that's--... well, I--... I just don't-- I don't know what to say," she fumbled.
"Well, most people either choose yes or no," Clark said matter-of-factly.
"Well, it's not that easy," she said, her words coming at an ever-increasing pace. "I mean it's easy for you because you've had time to think about it. You've had time to plan what you're going to say and what you're going to say depending on what I say back to you, and--"
"Lois, I'm just trying to ask you out; I'm not trying to negotiate a nuclear arms treaty," Clark interrupted, trying to inject a bit of levity into the conversation.
Lois started to smile at him again as she contemplated her answer.
Across the room, the elevator arrived. Clark stiffened, then turned abruptly toward the elevator to see a pretty brunette roll out of it in a wheelchair. "Lori," he breathed. For a few seconds he stared at her as if in a daze, then muttered, "Excuse me," as he hurried across the room to the woman.
Shocked that he had abandoned their conversation, Lois gaped at Clark as he leaned over and swept the woman into a hug. She stormed after him, livid. Clark seemed completely oblivious to Lois's arrival as he and Lori ended their hug.
"Lori! What are you doing here?" Clark asked with a puzzled grin.
"I'm here to see you, of course," Lori replied flirtatiously.
Still smiling, Clark's brow furrowed as he tried to work out what she was up to. "Well, you've seen me. There must be something else you wanted," he chuckled.
Lori beamed at him and ran her fingers over his arm. "You," she said.
"Me?"
"I've come to tell you that I've reconsidered your proposal. Yes, Clark, I'll marry you," Lori gushed.
"W-what?" Clark stuttered.
"What?!" Lois shrieked.
Lori continued as though they had not interrupted, "I've thought about what you said, about how our differences don't matter that much, that what really matters is our feelings for each other. You know I love you, and you love me, and there's no reason why we shouldn't get married. I know you were worried about my not being able to give you children, but you can't have children anyway, so that shouldn't matter. We can always adopt if you'd like."
"Lori--" Clark tried to interject.
"We can get married in Smallville in that little chapel you told me about, and we can have the reception at that cute park with the gazebo you love so much. We'll live here in Metropolis, I suppose, since you've got your job here, but we'll have to find somewhere new to live right away, unless your apartment is wheelchair-accessible already. We've waited long enough, so I'd like to get married as soon as we can. Is a week enough time to get everything ready? Or will we need a bit more time than that? It couldn't take more than a month, surely, to do everything right."
When Lori finally paused for breath, Clark took her hand to stop her from further caressing his arm and very seriously said, "Lori, we need to talk about this."
"Oh, yes, there's so much to discuss. Where's your desk? We can talk there. Do you have a notepad and pen so we can start our plans?"
"No, Lori, we need to talk, and not here," he insisted. He released her hand and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. Clark finally turned to Lois to see her glaring at him with her arms crossed in a combative pose. "Lois--"
"I don't want to hear it, Clark. You're a louse, just like every other man I've ever met. You wanted an answer? No. There's an answer." She stormed off, but Clark caught up to her and grabbed her by the arm.
"Lois, I'm sorry," he said. She sniffed derisively at him. "I shouldn't have just run off in the middle of our conversation, but this is something I need to take care of. I need to talk to Lori, and then I'll catch up with you. I really need to talk to you."
"Yeah? Well, I don't want to hear it," Lois snapped.
"Lois--"
Lori rolled up to Clark and grabbed his free hand. "Honey, come on. We've got so much to discuss," she giggled suggestively. Lois scoffed, shrugging out of his grasp, and walked away in a huff. Clark sighed, resigned that he couldn't fix things with Lois at the moment.
"Lori, let's get out of here and talk."
----
As soon as Lois was out of Clark's sight, she wiped her eyes and ran to the bathroom. She unsuccessfully fought back a sob as she locked herself in a stall. 'And to think I almost agreed to go out with him!' she thought. Angrily, she punched the stall door to let off some steam, then immediately regretted it. Lois cursed under her breath as she shook out her hurt hand. 'Self-absorbed, lying, idiot pig! He dares to have the gall to ask me out when he's engaged to someone else! And who is that woman, anyway? I've never seen her before, and he's never mentioned her. You'd think he'd at least mention a fiancee, but no. I wonder how many other girlfriends he's been hiding?' Lois rested her head against the cool steel door of the stall and let the tears roll down her face. 'I really thought he was different.'
She mentally reviewed Lori's rant and then straightened up abruptly as a thought occurred to her. "Clark can't have kids?" she wondered aloud. "Why didn't he say anything? I guess if he wouldn't mention a fiancee, he wouldn't mention that, either," she muttered. 'But how does he know he can't? If she can't have kids either, it can't be because he's been sleeping with her. Has he been sleeping around for years and nothing happened? How does he know that some old girlfriend just didn't tell him that she got knocked up? Or did he get "snipped"? But why would he do that if he actually wants kids? I know he does; he told me so once. Unless he was lying about that, too.'
Lois was crushed at the thought that her best friend was lying to her. "I liked him, I really did. And he turns out to be a liar and a cheat. Boy, do I know how to pick 'em. Maybe I should just give up and join a convent," she whispered through her tears.
Lois took a few more minutes to compose herself, then left the stall to wash her face. She didn't think the cool water did much to hide that she had been crying, but she decided that she had been hiding out in the bathroom long enough. Leaving the bathroom, she walked to her desk, grabbed her purse, and headed for Perry's office. Perry was busy proof-reading someone's article when she popped her head in.
"Chief, I'll be out the rest of the day," she said.
Perry barely looked up at her as he waved in acknowledgment. "Ok, bring me back something I can print," he said distractedly.
Lois left work and headed home, determined to drown her sorrows in her stash of chocolate ice cream.
----
Clark took Lori to Centennial Park and found a secluded spot in a small grove of trees so that they would have somewhere private to talk. He paced in front of her as he debated how to begin.
He stopped and faced her. "Lori, what's this all about?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Why did you come here today?"
"I already told you. I came to tell you that yes, I'll marry you," she said slowly, as though explaining it to a small child. "You did propose the last time we spoke, after all."
"Lori, that was seven years ago!" Clark exploded. "You can't just waltz in here and expect everything to be the same after seven years!"
"Well, I'm not waltzing in anywhere," she said frostily, gesturing to her blanket-covered lap.
"Sorry, I forgot there for a moment," Clark snapped sarcastically. "It's such a small detail, so easily overlooked. Hardly worth mentioning," he said, full of meaning.
"Hardly worth mentioning?" she cried. "Of course it's not 'hardly worth mentioning', but I can't just go around telling people everything about me, Clark! You of all people should know that. So don't get all upset about me keeping secrets. You didn't ever tell me about yourself. How is that any different?"
"It's different because you used it as an excuse for why you turned me down! We couldn't be together precisely because of your secrets! And you didn't have the decency to tell me until it was a convenient way for you to break my heart!" he said scathingly. "We're too different, Lori, and it's too big an obstacle to overcome just by wishing everything was fine!"
Lori teared up at his harsh tone. Timidly, she said, "But I thought that didn't matter to you."
"Yeah, well, I thought it didn't. But I was wrong."
Lori let out a sob. "But you said you loved me, and my being ... different ... didn't matter."
Clark sighed. "You know it's not just that you're different from me, Lori. It's everything else that goes along with it. You're not even... We can't..." He waived his hands futilely as he trailed off, unsure how to voice what he meant. "How do you even...?" He gestured vaguely at her. "And how could you announce to my whole office like that that I can't have kids? You don't even know that! And it's none of their business, anyway!"
"Sex isn't everything, Clark," she said wearily.
"Of course it's not everything, but it is important in a marriage. But it's not just that. We couldn't even sleep in the same bed together at night. We come from such different worlds, Lori. I can't imagine that you could give up your home so completely and live in Metropolis for the rest of your life. You'd miss it. You'd miss your family. It's where you belong. And I can't just leave here and go with you, either. I have a life here, Lori, friends, and a job I enjoy where I can make a difference," he said earnestly.
"And Superman."
"Yes, and Superman." Clark stared off into the distance for a few moments before looking back at Lori and saying resignedly, "I figured you'd know that was me."
Lori raised her eyebrows at him. "You're the only flying, super-strong, invulnerable man I've ever heard of. It wasn't hard to put it together. You didn't know where you were from back then, but Superman claims to be an alien from Krypton. Did you make that up for the press?"
Clark just stared at her for a few moments. "No, I didn't make it up. But I'm sure you already knew that," he said accusingly.
Lori ignored his harsh tone. "So, Superman needs to stay in Metropolis. I understand. I'll stay in Metropolis with you. We can work this out if you just give us another chance," she pleaded.
Clark was growing increasingly frustrated at Lori's persistence. "I don't think you get it, Lori," he said. "Here we are, rehashing old problems, when that's not ultimately the issue. The real issue is that it's been a long time since we dated, and I'm over you. I don't want to marry you anymore. I'm sorry."
Lori buried her face in her hands. Her shoulders shook as she cried. Clark walked away a few paces and leaned his shoulder against a tree and folded his arms. He stood there gazing off through the trees for several minutes, giving her time to calm down before he spoke again.
"Lori, can I ask you something?" She wiped her eyes and nodded. "Back in college, why did you go out with me in the first place if you had no intention of it going anywhere?"
Lori sniffed and debated for a moment what she should tell him. "I tried to stay away from you. I really did. You remember how much persuading it took to get me to go on that first date. But I was so attracted to you. I just couldn't help myself. I fell in love, and I didn't consider the consequences until you asked me to marry you."
"But you must have known what I wanted."
Lori shook her head sadly. "I don't think so. Maybe I did, but I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to enjoy our time together while I could." She was silent for a moment before adding, "I'm sorry that it ended so badly."
"I'm sorry, too."
"But it doesn't have to end, Clark," Lori pleaded again.
Clark shuffled his feet a bit, then turned to her and said, "No, Lori, it's over. It was over a long time ago. I laid everything on the line for you, and you broke my heart. It took me a long time to get over that and pick up the pieces. But I did. I got over you, and I moved on, and I realized that we're both better off apart. You need to find someone who's a better match for you than I am." 'And I need to find some way to convince Lois to give me a chance after this mess,' he thought.
Lori pulled out a handkerchief and wiped her eyes. "But you said you'd love me forever. You promised me you'd always love me." She choked on her words as more tears fell.
"Even the best seedling will wither and die if it's not watered," Clark said softly.
Lori nodded as she looked at the handkerchief she was wringing in her hands. "I guess it was too much to hope that you were still in love with me."
Clark was at a loss for words.
Lori sniffed and wiped her eyes and nose one more time. Clark could see that she was trying to pull herself together. After another minute, she said, "I guess I won't be staying in Metropolis, then."
"Are you going back home?" Clark asked.
"No. I've got a friend in Gotham that wants me to visit her. I'll head out to see her. I... I just need to get away from everything for a while." She cleared her throat and sat up straighter. "Goodbye, Clark." She turned her wheelchair around and started back toward the path that lead out of the park.
"Goodbye, Lori," Clark said softly. She did not look back as she disappeared through the trees.
----
Clark stayed in the little grove of trees for a while after Lori left. He needed some time to clear his head before he tried to talk to Lois. He paced as he thought about his breakup with Lori seven years ago and their discussion today. He thought about all the reasons their relationship had not worked. He spent considerable time contemplating the damage caused by the secrets and lies between them.
Once he had his thoughts in order, Clark was ready to talk to Lois. After looking around to verify that he was alone, he changed into Superman and flew back to the Daily Planet. He landed on the roof and listened for her heartbeat, but he could not find her in the building. Figuring that the next most likely place to find her was her apartment, he took off again.
He came to a stop a thousand feet directly above Lois's apartment. Closing his eyes, he listened and found her heartbeat. He stayed there for several minutes, letting the familiar sound calm him and sooth his jangled nerves. Finally he swooped down to land in the alley by the apartment building, changed back into Clark, and headed up to Lois's apartment.
----
Lois was sitting on her couch with a spoon in her mouth, staring into her box of chocolate ice cream as though it held the secrets of the universe and unsuccessfully trying not to think about Clark. Tissues littered the coffee table in front of her, and her eyes were still red from crying. When a knock came at the door, she jumped, startled, and almost spilled her half-melted ice cream. Not wanting to deal with anyone at the moment, she ignored the knocking and ate another spoonful.
Another knock came a minute later. She ignored that as well.
The third time, she decided that she would see who was at the door and send them away, or else she would never have any peace. Depositing the box of ice cream on the coffee table, she rose and walked to the door. She looked through the peephole and, seeing who it was, yelled, "Just leave, Clark. I've got nothing to say to you!"
Clark leaned close to the door and said calmly, "Lois, please let me talk to you. I'm sorry about earlier. I'd like to explain what's going on. I want to tell you about what happened with Lori. I owe you that much."
Lois relented and opened the door a crack, leaving the chain on. "Clark, what could you possibly have to say?" she asked. "You asked me out when you're clearly involved with someone else. If that's the way you treat women, then I don't want any part of it." She studied his face, but she couldn't read his mood.
Clark was dismayed to see tear streaks down her cheeks. "I'd hope that you would know that I treat women better than that, but under the circumstances, I understand why you're wary," he said.
"Wary?" she scoffed. "Try angry."
"Ok, you're angry. But can I at least have a chance to explain?" he asked, gesturing at the door as a request to be let in.
"Why are you bothering? Wouldn't you rather be off with Lori? Far be it from me to keep you from your fiancee," she snapped.
Clark ran his hand through his hair in exasperation. "She is not my fiancee," he insisted.
"Really?" she yelled. "Because that's not how it sounded when she loudly proclaimed that you had proposed to her!"
Clark looked around the hallway, then back at Lois. "Can we discuss this inside? I really don't want all your neighbors to be privy to our conversation. And as soon as I've explained myself, you can throw me out if you'd like." Lois just stared at the door jamb, making no move to let him in. When she did not answer, Clark continued, "Lois, you're my best friend. I don't want to throw that away over a misunderstanding."
After another minute of silence, Lois nodded slowly, then closed the door to remove the chain. She opened the door fully, then turned and walked back to the couch and sat down. Clark came in to her apartment and closed the door behind him. He took note of the melting ice cream and the multitude of tissues on her coffee table and realized that she was more hurt than he had expected.
"You wanted to talk. So talk. If she's not your fiancee, then just who is Lori?" she asked tiredly.
Clark sat in the chair by the couch. "Lori is my old girlfriend," he said.
"I gathered that much. Did you propose to her like she said?"
"Yes, and she turned me down. I--"
"Because you can't have kids?" Lois interrupted.
"What? No!" Clark rubbed his forehead as though he had a headache. "I wish she hadn't said that. It's nobody else's business. It's pure speculation, anyway."
Lois tried to sound angrily disinterested, but she desperately wanted to know whether Clark was a careless cad. "Pure speculation? So you slept around a lot without worrying about the consequences and just never managed to knock anyone up yet?" she asked.
His jaw dropped, and he stared at her, horrified. "How can you possibly think that of me? No, not at all. No. I-- No."
Lois raised her eyebrows skeptically and asked, "So if you haven't been sleeping around, what makes you think you can't have kids?"
Clark grimaced and rubbed his forehead again. "This isn't actually relevant to what I came to talk to you about, so can we table this topic for now?" He looked up at her to see her glaring at him skeptically. "Look, I'll tell you if you want after I've said what I came to say."
Lois glared at him a few moments more, then conceded, "Fine. Tell me after."
"Thanks. So, as I was saying, Lori--"
"Lori changed her mind about your proposal, and now you're getting back together," Lois interrupted again.
"No. We're not," he said in exasperation. "Lois, I asked you out, and Lori showing up today hasn't changed that. Yes, I loved her, and yes, the last time I had seen her, I asked her to marry me. But Lois, that was seven years ago."
Lois looked surprised at that. "Seven years ago?" she asked cautiously.
"We met in college. We dated for the last six months or so of our senior year. She was ... brilliant. I thought she was amazing." He stared, unseeing, at the far wall for a moment. "I thought I knew her," he added quietly. In a normal tone, he continued, "She broke my heart when she turned me down. It took me a long time to get over her, but I did. I got to the point where I honestly didn't care whether I ever saw her again, and, frankly, I had every reason to expect that I never would. When I saw her today ... I was shocked. And once she started ranting about us loudly in the newsroom, I knew that I needed to talk to her and resolve some things. I'm sorry for how I acted, running out of our conversation."
"You should be. Clark, this history of your love life is interesting and all," Lois said sarcastically, "but what does it have to do with me?"
"I want to make it clear that I'm not with Lori. We ended on bad terms, I haven't seen her in years, and I have no intention of getting back together with her. But I'm not telling you all this just so I can talk about my old girlfriend. The point isn't that I proposed to her or that she turned me down; it's why she turned me down."
Lois gave him a confused look. "Ok, I'll bite," she said. "Why did she turn you down?"
Clark got up, walked a few paces away, then turned and looked at her. Then he turned away and paced a few times before facing her again, taking a deep breath, and raising his arms in a futile sort of gesture. "There's no good way of saying this, and you probably won't believe me anyway, so I'll just be direct. Lori turned me down because she's a mermaid, and she had to return to Atlantis."
Lois stared at him in incredulous silence. "... Lori's a mermaid."
"Yes."
"Clark, if you can't be serious, you can just leave," Lois said angrily.
Clark sighed and sat down on the couch next to her. "Lois, you believe in aliens, right?"
"Don't be ridiculous. There's no such thing as little green men, and I certainly don't fall for that kind of nonsense," Lois snapped.
"I'm not talking about little green men," Clark said, "I'm talking about sentient, intelligent life that's not human. Superman, for example." Lois blushed and looked at her hands in her lap, properly chagrined. "A few years ago, you didn't believe that there was anyone else out there in the universe. Only humans. Then Superman came and proved that there are other races. Other forms of life. When Lori told me, I didn't believe her, either. Then she pulled the blanket off her lap and I saw her fins. There are mermaids living in the ocean just as surely as there was life on Krypton."
"Ok," Lois conceded. "Let's just say for argument's sake that there are mermaids and that Lori is one. What does this have to do with me?"
"When she told me, I was angry. She had led me on. She let me think that she was something she's not. I thought that she was a human, and I loved as much of her as she had let me see. But there was this whole other dimension to her life that she had kept hidden. So much so that I suddenly felt like I didn't know her at all. But she had one up on me. Apparently, mermaids are telepathic. That's how they 'talk' underwater. So, from the day we met she knew things about me that I had never told anyone, and I hadn't known that she knew. Lori pointed out that I was being a hypocrite by being angry about her keeping secrets. For goodness' sake, I asked her to marry me without telling her something as basic about myself as..."
Clark trailed off suddenly, and Lois began to worry. "What could you possibly be hiding that is on par with her being a mermaid?" she asked.
He looked her intently in the eye and said, "Lois, I've been in love with you almost as long as I've known you. I've been shy and defensive about my feelings before, sometimes outright lying about it. I was trying to save face and keep you from feeling awkward about working with me. I finally got up the courage today to ask you out, and Lori's arrival reminded me that I can't expect to build a relationship with you that's founded on secrets and deliberate mis-conceptions." Taking her hands in his, he continued, "I trust you with my life; I am trusting you with my heart. I trust you enough to tell you that I'm Superman."
Lois closed her eyes. She pulled her hands from Clark's and stood up. She stepped a few paces away and, without turning around, said, "You're Superman."
"Yes."
"Superman asked me out today."
"Yes."
"Superman is in love with me."
"Yes."
"And you're only telling me because your old girlfriend showed up."
"No. Lois, I would have told you sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. I just don't know. I haven't thought of Lori in ages, and seeing her today reminded me of how blindsided, how utterly betrayed I felt when I found out that I didn't really know her. I don't want you to feel the same way. I want to start things off right. All this time, in the back of my head I've known that I'd have to tell you about myself if we ever got together. I wanted to be sure first that I wasn't being impetuous. That I could trust you implicitly. That you were the one I wanted."
"How can you be sure? We haven't even gone on a date," Lois said quietly with a catch in her voice.
Clark sighed heavily. "How can I be sure? I guess some of it has to do with Lori showing up. I remember how I felt about her back then. We had been dating for months, and I was crazy about her. Back then, I was so sure that she was perfect for me. But Lois, what I ever felt for her pales in comparison to what I feel for you."
At that, Lois finally turned to face him, and Clark saw tears streaming down her face. "Tell me, Clark. Tell me without any comparison to anyone else. Tell me so I know you won't get over me and find someone else, and I'll 'pale in comparison' to her."
Clark stood up and slowly walked over to her. He took her face in his hands and wiped away her tears. "Lois, you are my best friend. I love you. You are the only person I have ever told about myself. You are the only person I have ever wanted to share that part of myself with. You make me feel like I belong. And I want to go out with you and see how much more our already deep friendship can be. Will you take that chance with me?"
"Yes, Clark," she breathed. "I will."
As Lois kissed him, Clark reveled in the sudden freedom he felt. He was finally able to share all of himself with her, and it was wonderful. He thanked his lucky stars that he had learned his lesson years ago: to never let secrets and lies come between him and the love of his life.
****************
Superman was created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster.
Dialog in the first scene was taken from the Lois and Clark episode The Phoenix, written by Tony Blake and Paul Jackson.
Superman's history with Lori Lemaris was adapted from Superman #129, written by Bill Finger and drawn by Wayne Boring.
