Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic FDK: Afterwards (1/1)

Sorry about the downer. This story came to me as I was waking up this morning. In my mind, the image of Superman literally giving the shirt off his back to the girl was quite powerful. I hope I managed to convey the scene in such a way that its power came through to the reader.

As always, all feedback welcome.

Joy,
Lynn

Wow. Just wow.

I'm never one to turn down a downer~ by now everyone knows that. And this was excellent. Haunting. Moving. Powerful. I loved it. So sad, but definitely striking. Will remain with me forever. Great, great job!

Wow! I think that about sums it up.

Very powerful. And the image of Clark giving his shirt to the girl was just...beyond words.

I think I'd like to see this extended a bit. I'd love a peek inside of Clark's head on just how haunting this has been. Knowing Clark, he probably blames himself for not hearing the girl calling for help, because that's just the type of guy that he is.

Great story, and I, for one, don't mind a bleaker story.

This was amazingly powerful and I, too, would love to see more.

I wondered, when Clark took off his shirt and said he was going to find a woman, if he was going to find Lois and this was going to be a story where he gave himself away (I hadn't scrolled down and realized how short it was at the time), but I'm glad it wasn't, that the horrible crime you described wasn't just a silly plot device.

Mouserocks, speaking of 'wow,' your feedback was *wow*. Thank you!

Deadly Chakram, thank you. I agree that this could have been made into a much larger story, but I really don't like writing depressing stories and wanted to make this one just long enough to give the shirt-offering some power and to have at least a partial resolution.

anonpip, I love that revelation idea; I don't think I've read anything like it before. But I agree completely with you -- this story is definitely not an appropriate place for such a reveal. That kind of reveal belongs in a fluff piece -- the sort of story I prefer to write.

I know that WHAMmy stories aren't everyone's cup of tea. (To be honest, if I as a reader came upon a story with the warning that this one had, I highly doubt I would have read it myself.) My thanks to the three of you for reading the story and leaving feedback.

Joy,
Lynn

Just wanted to add that, I too, thought that Clark was going to get Lois. I didn't realize that he was out so early in the morning that she probably wasn't at work. I figured it would not be a reveal, just Superman asking his friend for a little help in dealing with a very delicate situation.

The story actually changed quite a bit for such a short vignette. The scene as I first saw it when I was waking up had Clark giving his cape, not his shirt, to the girl. But since he would have to take off his shirt first to remove the cape (I'm assuming that Superman's cape uses the same shoulder harness that Dean's cape did), and since the shirt would better cover the girl anyway, I quickly changed the proffered garment as I was waking up.

I had also originally intended to have the scene take place much later, and to have Clark talk with Lois afterward about what took place. (I had initially thought about a somewhat longer story.) Somewhere along the line, I figured that the scene would have more impact if Clark hadn't yet developed the coping mechanisms necessary to handle all the tragedy he sees. Even after I decided on making this an S1 vignette, I had toyed with the idea of having him get Lois, but I somehow couldn't see even Clark thinking early Lois would be very comforting to the girl.

Joy,
Lynn

I really liked the story. My instinct, though, is that the girl should be terrified of a shirtless Superman. In that sense, the cape would have worked better for me. On the other hand, I agree that him giving the shirt off his back was a very powerful image, so what do I know?

Thanks for the vignette!

Hi Amy,

I'd agree with you, if he could have taken off just the cape. The problem with the cape, though, is that Clark would have had to have taken off his shirt anyway to remove the cape (assuming that he had the same setup that Dean had had in RL -- that is, assuming that the cape was held in place by a harness that went underneath the shirt). I figured that a caped shirtless Superman would have been less scary than an uncaped shirtless one. Not to mention that the shirt would be better at covering the girl than the cape.

Here's a picture that shows a shirtless Dean Cain wearing the harness-supported cape:



But I definitely agree that given what the girl had just gone through, and given that Superman is still relatively new on the scene, the girl would be at least somewhat scared of him. I had tried to indicate that by her never speaking to him (well, except for the shouts when he touched her), and by her retreating when he asked to pick her up to fly to the hospital.

This is one of the very few times when a shirtless Clark does NOT have an appreciative audience.

Joy,
Lynn

Lynn,

I tried to reply yesterday, but it just doesn't work from my Blackberry.

Good job!

True about L&C's specific cape setup, although Superman wrapping people in his cape is a fairly standard image. It's also possible to imagine him using super speed to take off the shirt and cape, and put the shirt back on, but that's kind of meh. He might as well use super speed to rush off and get a new shirt, and that doesn't have a powerful image at all.

Hm, what if he ripped the cape to get it off without taking off the harness? That would choke me up.

Just speculating here... which is the mark of a good story. :-)

Oh, the poor girl!

Very well-written piece, Lynn. You've said so much and made us think so much in so few words!

I, too, thought of Lois as the female presence first, and would have probably ripped his cape off to give the girl. But this is great as it is, and I actually like Martha better. She really is the best one to take care of a little girl.

I see that you probably have no plans in continuing this one, but I have to say, it would be a perfect beginning for a long dramatic story. Oh well.

Keep up the good work!

AnnaBtG.

Ken, thanks for leaving feedback. And double thanks since you had to try twice.

Amy, I like your idea of his ripping the cape to give to her. I can see where that could have been quite powerful.

Anna, thanks for the kind words. You're right that I don't plan to continue this story, but if you wish to do so (or if anyone else does), be my guest. I would prefer to concentrate my serious -writing efforts to the project I've been working on (with mixed success) for several weeks now: a prequel to Echolalia. Thanks to Anti-K, I have some new ideas for how I can handle the piece, and I'm eager to give them a try.

Joy,
Lynn

The image of the girl you created was definitely a heart-wrenching one.

I read this story a few days ago when you first posted it and while I liked the concept, I had a little problem with the technical aspect of the story. I felt uncomfortable voicing my concerns, because I didn't want to sound unconstructive.

The problem I had was with the 'giving his shirt' to the girl. While I liked the sentiment, Superman doesn't wear a 'shirt' per se. He wears a one piece "suit". So, it made no sense to me how he could hand to her the shirt off his back -- unless it was his 'Clark' shirt. And as I knew Superman was flying into the alley to change, I was then confused as to when during the process he had discovered the girl. Was she in the same alley or in an alley across the street? Had he done the spin before noticing the girl? Who was in the alley with the girl: Clark or Superman?

Until he told her he was Superman. And then I thought, Is Clark revealing his secret identity to this girl to get her to trust him? Or he is explaining why under his Clark shirt he has the Superman suit on? And I thought how selfless Clark was being, knowing that the girl's need for assistance / reassurance was greater than his own need for privacy / secrecy.

And then on second reading, I realized it was "Superman" giving her the top of his uniform to her and wondered how could he give her his "shirt" when he doesn't wear a shirt and why didn't he give her his cape? (Which at the beginning of the show was part of the suit and not the harness configuration of the photo provided -- which was later development. If you look at the photo closely, you will see the top of the 'suit' hanging around Dean's hips.)

I'm sorry, if my concerns about your story aren't positive, Lynn. May I make a suggestion in hope of redeeming myself? If you are considering a rewrite, may I suggest adding a line in about how he and his mom were working on different styles of the suit, one of which was a two part suit - with a top and bottom. A suit style that Clark didn't like (and possibly is grumbling to himself about at the beginning of the story... 'harder to do the spin with a two part suit'...), but in the end he was glad to have it so he could give the girl the shirt off his back. Anyway, that's my suggestion. You don't have to change your story to meet my concerns, just thought I'd voice them. Now I'll crawl back into that hole I came out of.

Hi Virginia,

Oops. You caught me.

I hadn't remembered until after I posted the photo that Dean's (and hence, presumably, Superman's) outfit was all one piece.

But I think you are right that the story is still salvageable. Since this story does take place so early in the show (Whew!), and since the show itself (and hence, we may assume, since Clark and Martha) had been working on various costume designs, Clark could well have had a two piece outfit (three, counting the cape) at that time. Thanks for the save!

And this is precisely why I wait a couple of weeks after I post a story before I consider sending it to the archive. I've changed the first part of the story to read:

I then deleted the part about Martha being in town from later in the story.

Better?

Thanks for pointing out the faux pas. I really do mean what I say about all comments being welcome. Never worry about giving me constructive criticism; after all, I have a doctorate. One can't survive the dissertation-writing process without developing a thick skin.

Joy,
Lynn

I'd say that that is absolutely plausible. I mean, we saw at least three or four different cape designs on the show before they settled on the shoulder harness. So it makes sense that the entire outfit could have possibly had a few different types of designs before Clark settled on the one piece suit that zipped in the back.

Here is some info on the suit and the various cape designs and decision to go with Spandex for the suit, for anyone interested.