I'm so sorry for the delay on this, my computer has been on the fritz for the last week or so. I apologize for not getting back to those who posted on my last story, but I promise to do so as soon as I can. At present I'm using a friend's computer, so we'll see if I can use her's in the future
She loves me, so I'm sure she will.
Also, I will be catching up on my fanfic reading soon, so get ready for massive feedback.
I'd like to thank Kaethel for her incredible support and amazing BRing.
Previously in Part 1 But I have a position in his life that she will never have; I am irreplaceable where this is concerned, just as his position in my life is irreplaceable too. We are best friends in every extent of the word, and the friendship we share can never be destroyed by some floozy with blond hair.
That floozy, I must admit, is his girlfriend. She has that of him, the part I desire most; a romantic love could grow between them, as it never could with us. He could never love me as I have come to love him, and even though he had confessed such yearnings previously, he amended them, claiming to have only said them to keep me from Lex Luthor. Whether that is true or not is no longer an issue. He has clearly moved on, just as I should. Concede defeat, and leave him to his new life.
I unlock the many barriers of my front door, and enter my apartment without switching on a lamp or overhead light. The darkness is a comfort I so rarely allow these days, but tonight it seems completely necessary.
Now Part 2: ***
With all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you
Much better than this
***
I guess I shouldn’t be angry, or hurt; Clark made his decision without ever knowing how I felt. But I am angry! I’m angry because he chose her, a relative crook working for the leading crime boss of Metropolis, Bill Church, over me, someone who cares about him, and doesn’t want to see... him... get hurt.
I did the same thing to him.
I chose Lex, a murderer as the very least of his crimes, over kind hearted, sweet Clark. I even chose Superman over him, someone I couldn’t possibly hope to live a normal life with. The difficulties would be too great to elaborate on, but it would be almost impossible to be comfortable. Not to mention the danger I might be placed in, a target known only as “Superman’s girlfriend”. That’s no way to live, not even for love.
But that’s just it; it was never love, and I realize that now. After all, who had been at the forefront of my mind as I reluctantly walked down the aisle towards Lex? Clark had been, and even since then had never strayed too far away from there.
While I know my responsibility to Clark as his best friend is to be there for him, give him advice he may deem unsolicited, and allow him to seek comfort in the friendship that I offer, there is a responsibility more important at this point. As his friend, and someone who loves him very deeply, I must leave him to his new life with her. While I want nothing more than to replace her as his girlfriend in his life, I must accept that he did not choose me, and move on as he seems to have done so well.
Is it supposed to hurt, the decision to help a friend? My heart pounds an unsteady rhythm as I consider the possibilities of leaving his life, of him leaving mine. I don’t know what it is I will do. Should I leave the Planet, the only newspaper in the world I could ever work for? Should I simply just remove myself from his personal life, leave our relationship to a purely professional capacity? A resonating ‘no’ fills my chest, as I imagine working beside him day by day and lusting after him all the while, loving him, while he remains completely oblivious.
A fate worse than death, I’m sure.
I sigh deeply and consider the softly shining light from the moon outside my window, casting an ethereal glow on the furniture and flooring of my apartment.
If I stayed, I’d see them together, no doubt. I don’t think I’d be prepared for an encounter with that image, no matter how many times I psyche myself up for it. Each new observation would be a newly-sharpened blade to my heart, and a deeper laceration would be left in its wake.
If I left, Perry and Jimmy would be hurt, for sure: A father figure, where one had been absent for so long, and a brother, where I never had one. It would hurt to not see them everyday, but the pain would lessen over time. I could call them; catch up on the week’s events. It would be workable.
If I stayed, the man I love would be dangled in front of me, figurative bait to my emotions. I could never put myself through that, and I would be ruthlessly hard on him as a result.
If I left, I would be leaving the only place in the world I’ve called home. Never mind that my parents live near by, as I rarely spend “quality time” with them anyway, and distance would never change that, but the city that a person like me thrives on. Clark was able to live in the country, and in the city, but he was always better at adapting to difficult situations than I was. He would always playfully tease me about my distastes when they came to country-living, but as gentle as his humor was, it rings true even now.
If I stayed...
I won’t be staying.
***
TBC...
