Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic The Long Road Home Part 15 - Comments

Thoughts?

All I can say is WOW! That was intense, wonderfully written and spellbinding. The only thing I wanted to see was more.

I hope that at the end Clark made a breakthrough of sorts. He told Lois. Even though they had no discussion about it afterward, it was a step.

I look forward to more soon.

Awesome! Keep it coming.

Artemis

Rac, I'm struck by certain important similarities by your story and a horrible murder story that took place in Denmark this summer. And if you wonder what the similarities are, they are that both cases involve men who feel the need to be "invulnerable" and strong, even though they are under a lot of pressure, and they are both in danger of cracking because of the strain they are under. Both of the men are unable to talk about their own shortcomings and their own weakness. Both fear that people who are important to them would judge them and think less of them if they knew how "imperfect" they are. Both bottle up their emotions, or try to, but their emotions come seeping out, leading to anger and outbursts.

The case in Denmark involved a father who had had little contact with his daughter after he split up with his wife and the wife got custody of their daughter. But the ex-wife died when the girl was seven, and the girl had to live with her father. The girl was devastated by her mother's death, and she was suspicious of her father because of what her mother had told her about him. After a few years the father met another woman and fell in love with her and married her. He had a baby son by his new wife, and meanwhile his daughter was entering puberty and becoming ever more short-tempered and difficult. The father decided that his daughter was so moody that she probably needed to see a psychologist, and he made an appointment for her with a psychologist. He did not, however, make an appointment for himself. And four days before the daughter was to see the psychologist, the father and the daughter had a falling-out. The father lost it completely, grabbed a heavy metal tool and hit his daughter over the head twenty times, shattering her skull and killing her.

At the funeral, the priest did not remind the mourners that the father had been under a lot of stress and that he had cracked because of his human weakness. It was as if it was still forbidden to acknowledge that the father had had this very serious crack in his armour. As a father and a breadwinner and a respectable member of society, the father was simply not allowed to be so weak. Instead of asking the mourners to forgive the father because of his human weakness, the priest asked them to forgive the father because he had loved his daughter so very much. The particulars of the case make me think that the father had not, in fact, loved his daughter, but that he had tried to do his best as a father until he just lost it.

There is one similarity between this horrible story from real life and your fic, Rac. And that is that just like the Danish father, Clark is terrified of admitting his weakness. He just can't accept it. He shouldn't be so weak. That's not who he used to be and not who he ought to be now and in the future. By becoming weak and imperfect, he has betrayed himself and his family and everyone who relied on him.

Unlike the Danish father, Clark managed to make himself go to a psychologist and talk about his problems and his weakness. Doing so is incredibly hard for him, and he is still terribly scared that Lois will judge him and find him wanting if he lets her see his weakness.

In the end, Clark managed to tell Lois about the horrible things that has broken him as a man and as a person. Now the question is how Lois will react. Clark has essentially handed her his fragile, fragile heart and soul with all their cracks and scars. He has told her, "This is who I am; this is how weak and contemptible I am; don't shatter every last vestige of my pride and self-worth by scorning me, or pitying me, or shying away from me. Don't make me hate and despise myself more than I do already."

And now it is up to Lois to find the right way to respond. I don't envy her.

Ann

Yay to the update Lunkheaded Clark with a massive PTSS

Michael

I'll see Robinson's "wow" and raise it to "woohoo" for Dr. Friskin, the miracle worker. I loved her insights and questions for Clark about how he sees police and firemen that don't have superpowers. It was a very appropriate question, since he was as vulnerable as anyone else during the war.

I thought the argument (the first one in this part) between Clark and Lois was great in an angsty, terrifying kind of way.
Sorry for the long quote, but I think this passage is important. Clark is at least talking about his professional fears here and Lois (although she could probably qualify for sainthood soon with all the patience and love she's giving Clark) still showed us she had backbone. I think the only thing worse than experiencing war and torture would be trying to help someone else readjust to life after it.

I think that before Clark can make a statement like this he ought to go and talk with a few soldiers that have returned from war. It's probably the exception, not the rule, when a soldier comes home and reintegrates with his former life without a struggle.

Also, although I have no first - or even second hand - experience, I think there is an important distinction between being a soldier in a war and being a tortured prisoner of war. I thought that Dr. Friskin explained the difference to him very well, especially with the effects of solitary confinement, but Clark either doesn't believe her or hasn't had time to internalize her advice yet. I hope that he can do that soon.

As Dr. Friskin said, "It takes a remarkably resilient person to come through such an ordeal with their sense of self intact." Clark was able to do this in part because of his love for Lois. It's been a while since I read the last installment of the story, but IIRC, his memories of Lois helped him to hang on to his humanity and drove Nor crazy trying to figure out what a "Lois" was. I hope that Clark remembers this soon. Maybe it will help him.

Can't wait for more.

We need to be careful here. On first glance, it looks like Clark is opening up to Lois and allowing her to see something of what he went through on New Krypton. It appears that he's allowing her to see past his defense walls and showing her his heart.

He's not.

This is a man under a great deal of pressure, so much so that - like the tea kettle - he's spewing out some real heat just because he can't hold it any more. This is a man who, instead of sharing his pain with the person who loves him most, is using his pain to club her brutally because he feels as if he's less than a man.

BJ noted, quite correctly, that Clark didn't just come home from a war - which, by the way, isn't an easy thing for anyone to do - he was a POW who was deliberately tortured, not for military purposes or for propaganda purposes, but just because Nor wanted to do it and could do it. Clark was helpless. He was completely within the mercy of someone who didn't have any mercy, someone who hated him with a passion exceeding everything else in his life.

And Clark is going to have to understand that his experiences don't make him less of a man. Dr. Friskin has told him this, but he doesn't believe it yet. The fact that he told Lois anything at all is better than keeping it inside where it would only build up more pressure, but that confession was a safety valve release, not a sharing of the heart. He's got a long way to go before that happens.

More, please? More of this wonderful epic story? Soon, I hope?

I agree with the comments. I did not believe Clark was truly opening up to Lois. It seemed it was more angry. But is it at least a start? Maybe not the best or the healthiest but now that some of it is put in the open does it make it easier next time? Or will Clark feel like he told here so he is done?

Anxiously waiting for the next part

I need to add something. I compared Clark with the Danish father who killed his daughter. But a huge, enormous, humongous difference between Clark and that Danish father is that the Danish father almost certainly didn't love his daughter, whereas Clark loves Lois so much that... well, you said it yourself, Rac. Clark's very essence is that he loves Lois Lane.

What I think your Clark can't bear is the thought of seeing whatever love Lois still has for him, whatever illusions she still may have about his bravery and strength and nobility and whatnot, die when he tells her of his (to him) unforgivable shortcomings. I think he fears that he will see a certain light go out in her eyes when he confesses to her what he is and what he has done, and after that light in her eyes has gone out, she will never love him again. And that very lack of that light in his eyes will be an incrimination so harsh that he will not be able to go on living afterwards. Clark is the man who loves Lois, but in this fic, he feels like the man who can't go on living after Lois has lost absolutely all her faith in him, which is what she will do after he confesses to her what he has become.

Yes, but Clark still fights for his marriage and his love for Lois. That is why, in desperation, he sought out Dr. Friskin even though it wasn't time for his regular session with her.

Somewhere, somehow, Clark still wants to find a way to make his marriage to Lois work. Because nothing means more to him than her acceptance of him as her husband.

Ann

I hope this is a case of the first step being the hardest for Clark. It is so good to see him making progress...this is such an intense story.

Looking forward to more!
Amber

Wow, I had totally and heartbreakingly given up on this story being completed, yaaayyy!!! So glad you're back Rac. Can't believe you've been back for months and I've only just now discovered it.

Anyway...I think we all knew there was going to be a long and difficult road ahead for Clark and Lois. I am somewhat frustrated with Clark's lunkheadedness and self blame at this point, but it's so excruciatingly good!

I have always requested more Jon scenes, so I love that you include some relief in the story and some progress with the Clark/Jon relationship. Maybe a domestic Lois/Clark/Jon scene...please?

Loving Dr Friskin, hoping she'll become more tough with Clark. Actually, same with Lois, I know she is trying to be the supportive wife and loving Clark through the experience and also that she has grown more patient and less feisty over the years. But she's still Lois Lane! I can't help thinking that she is going to give Clark an ultimatum and hoping that it will result in something positive rather than a further separation... hmm, anyway lots to think about.

Soooooo glad you're back Rac! Please post again soon...

Frequent Flyer

Forgot to ask: Please excuse my ignorance, but what on earth is a junkyard dog?

Those are big, hairy, ugly dogs that chase teenagers messing around on junkyards. At least, that's what I gather from TV

Michael

"meaner than a junkyard dog" is a common phrase to refer to someone who will readily attack at the slightest provocation. It comes from large dogs (Doberman's, German Shepherds, part wolf dogs) allowed to run free at night in junkyards to prevent theft of the auto parts in a large yard.
It's a little more serious than the teenagers messing around phrase implies. It also refers to female dogs who will defend their pups. Sort of equivalent with messing with a mama kangaroo.

Artemis

Thanks for the comments, everyone. As you've astutely pointed out, this was a turning point, but not all fireworks and parades.

Thanks, Robinson, for your very kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed this part.

Thanks, Artemis.

Ann, what a sad story. As you mentioned in your second comment, however, Clark certainly does love Lois and has taken the critical step of seeking help, despite the cost to his pride. You're right that he's under a lot of pressure not to be vulnerable, but only part of that is cultural. His own experiences have led him to believe that when he is either physically or emotionally vulnerable, it puts other people in grave danger. It's an extraordinary burden.

Michael, I've had years to work out this 'destroying Clark,' arc. I'd say the last scene was progress, but not smooth, even progress.

BJ, thanks for pointing out that this hasn't been a picnic for Lois, either. She has been long-suffering and I think it took more self control than she knew she had to cut that fight short. I also agree that Clark doesn't want to recognize that being a POW is different from being a soldier.

Astute observation, Terry. This isn't a soul bearing, it's more of a gnashing of teeth. Clark didn't rationally decide to tell Lois what had happened, it was just an outburst. But it was still more than Lois has gotten out of him to date. I'm working on posting more, soon.

Amber, I'm glad to hear you enjoyed this part. Thanks for commenting.

Frequentflyer, I'm glad to be back and I'm glad you're enjoying the story. It's good to have time to write again. Sorry it took so long for me to get back to this story. And a junkyard dog is in fact a big, ferocious guard dog used to protect a junkyard from scrap metal scavengers.

Thanks again, everyone. I'm working on posting more soon!

Regards,

Rac

Aaahh!! Ok, thanks very much everyone for the junkyard dog explanations! Will definitely be using that one in the future Can I just say again, yay! for Rac's return, very excited to read more of this great story.

Hey Rac,

I read this particular part of the story the same day you posted it, and liked it very, very much right away. I was particularly captivated by the evocative way you have of describing everything. I very much liked the tea kettle image, for instance, which parallels the situation 'boiling over' in Lois and Clark's lives. But I felt I couldn't properly comment on a single part, until I'd read the rest of the story, too.

Then I found out that this isn't just a story, it's a fully fledged epic tale! So here I am, having spent a week's worth of evenings reading 'The Longest Road'. I'm done, now.

I'm also speechless.

You moved and touched and bewildered and amazed me in all the right ways; you told me a story that swallowed me up whole and spit me out with an altered perception of the world around me; and somehow, you managed to keep me thoroughly entertained while you were at it.

Being far less than half the writer you are, I lack the eloquence to make it clear to you exactly how and why your words managed to affect me so deeply. But to give you some idea of how completely in awe of your talent I am, let me tell you that when I looked over Clark's shoulder as he read the opening paragraphs of 'The Shade of a Bitterwood Tree' (great title, by the way), I realized that I genuinely felt like this might have been something written by a Pulitzer Prize-winning, best-selling author, who also happens to be one of the very best columnists and investigative journalists of her generation. If that doesn't get my message across, I don't know what will .

Of course, like everyone else here, I'll be sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for more, while I valiantly try to keep justifying the fact that I call myself a writer in the presence of such incredible talent.

I'd ask you to keep at it, please, but I think that goes pretty much without saying.

- Ped

Ped,

Thanks for your very kind comments. I think the most daunting thing about writing is trying to then write in a character's voice, especially a character who is supposed to be an extremely accomplished author. I've found those parts of the story the hardest to write, so I am so happy to hear you mention the prologue to Lois's book as something you really enjoyed.

I set out to write this big long mess of a story as a conversation on a lot of philosophical questions that were always very interesting to me. One of the major ones is - how do you live with the consequences of your actions when you have to make decisions not between good and bad, but bad and worse? In order to do that, I felt like I had to make the conflicts both protagonists faced into full, three dimensional problems, with nuance, complications, etc. That meant I needed an awful lot of story. I'm glad to hear that you've found it enjoyable - especially since you read it all at once. I feel that a danger of serialized fiction is that it tends to get way too long and way too bogged down in the details (not that I'm denying that this has happened with this story, I'm just really glad you enjoyed it nonetheless).

So thanks for reading, and for your very kind comments! More is on the way...

Regards,

Rac

Hi Ped.
You should also know that this isn't a one off for Rac (aka Raconteur) Just check out the other stories on the Archive. http://www.lcfanfic.com/author_r.htm#Raconteur
You'll love the "Lifeflight" series.

Artemis

Seconding that. The "Lifeflight" series was wonderful. Rac deliberately breaks convention - here CK and LL do not work at the Daily Planet! (gasp)

But it all works out OK.