From Part 5:
“Thank you, Lois.” He took a deep breath. “And thank you for all your help since I came to Metropolis. You’ve been a good friend to me.” He rested his hands on her shoulders, just as he had much earlier that night, when she arrived at his apartment. This time, though, he was impressed not by her fragility but by her strength. He bent and brushed a chaste kiss against her cheek.
“You’ve been a good friend to me, too,” she said softly. “I hope… you’ll be happy.”
“I will be.” He said it with certainty and then added, “I’ll see you Friday. We’ll say our goodbyes then, all right?”
“Friday,” she echoed softly, as he slipped through her billowing curtains and out into the night.
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Part 6:
Clark woke the next morning to the relentless drone of his alarm and took care as he reached over to shut it off; he’d broken more alarm clocks than he could count by groping for them clumsily in his first moments of wakefulness. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, and then some of the grogginess lifted, and he remembered: it was Thursday, his last full day of being Superman. He leaned back against his headboard, his arms wrapped around his knees, and his eyes were drawn across the room to the puddle of blue spandex and flowing red silk he’d left on the floor the night before.
He would never wear that particular suit again, he thought. He would put on a clean one today, another tomorrow, and then he would fly away, leaving the Metropolis press corps scattered beneath him like brightly colored confetti. He tried to imagine what it would feel like, that final flight, but those emotions, whatever they were, seemed just beyond his reach.
What he knew for certain was that a few minutes later, he would arrive as Clark Kent to support Lois and to help her write the story of Superman’s departure, and if it felt strange, like writing his own obituary, that feeling would surely pass. He would box up his suits, just as he’d planned, and he would store them somewhere safe, somewhere private, where no one would ever find them. Those would be the memories he might prowl through one day, when he felt ready to face them. He would open the box and run his fingers over the shield, his one connection to his birth family, and he would remember the time he’d spent being larger than life. Maybe he would show Lois. Maybe by then, it would all be out in the open between them, and he could show her those empty suits, let her touch them and hold them in her hands, and she would see that that was all Superman had ever been.
At the thought of Lois, his gaze drifted out to his balcony, where he’d stood the night before and promised her again that he would never leave her. Then, in perfect counterpoint, came the later memory of standing before her hours later as Superman and telling her he was doing just that. He felt all the falseness of that, but he told himself that if she knew what his life was really like, she would think it worth every one of her tears not to have to share him with the world. For now, though, she was hurt and grieving the loss of a friend, and the worst of it was that Clark would have to pretend he didn’t know why. Another whole day of lies, he thought, feeling angry suddenly but not quite knowing why or at whom.
He threw back the covers and got up, stretching once before crossing the room to pick up his suit. It still smelled like smoke from the brief time he’d spent at the fire, and he tossed it quickly into his hamper on his way into the shower.
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He considered going over to Lois’s that morning before work – perhaps taking her some coffee – but that seemed fraught with potential difficulties, so he simply followed his usual schedule, making a quick morning pass over Metropolis as Superman. He cleared two wrecks from the highway, and then, after glimpsing the time on a police officer’s watch, he headed in the direction of the Planet, choosing a nearby alley in which to change back into Clark Kent.
He was on his way into the building when he heard Jimmy calling to him. “Hey, CK! Wait up!”
Clark turned and smiled, waiting while Jimmy caught up. “Hey, Jim. What’s up?”
“Not much. You?”
Clark thought of all that was going on in his life just then, of how complicated everything seemed, and he almost laughed out loud as he considered Jimmy’s reaction if Clark were to actually give an honest answer to his question.
“Same,” Clark said easily. “Slow news day yesterday.”
“Yeah. Did you catch the Metropolitans’ game last night?”
“Uh, no.” Clark pressed the button for the elevator, his mouth curving a little in a smile. “I had a date.”
“Way to go, CK!” Jimmy crowed, slapping Clark on the back. “Does this mean you and Lois have worked things out?”
“Yeah,” Clark said contentedly. “I think we have. So what was the score?”
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”
“Jimmy.” Clark gave his friend a reproving look, but Jimmy just laughed, and the two talked about baseball the rest of the way up to the newsroom.
As they entered the newsroom, Lois was moving toward the coffee pot with her coffee mug clutched in her hand, and she stopped and waited for Clark and Jimmy to join her.
“Morning, Lois,” Jimmy said cheerfully, but then his smile faltered as he got close enough to really see her face.
Though she’d taken care with her makeup, it was obvious that she’d been crying, and she looked as though she’d hardly slept. Seeing her, Clark felt sick. He hadn’t known she would take it this hard. She’d seemed upset when he’d left her the night before, but not so wracked with grief that she would spend the whole night crying. He felt the slight stirring of his old nemesis – jealousy – and savagely thrust it away. She’d chosen Clark, he reminded himself. She only considered Superman a friend. Of course she would be upset at the thought of him leaving. Of course she would take it hard. It didn’t mean that she regretted her choice.
“Morning,” she replied, forcing a brief smile.
“Lois?” Clark asked hesitantly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine,” Jimmy blurted, tactless as ever. “You look terrible.”
“Thanks so much,” she snapped.
“It’s just that....”
“Jimmy, I don’t want to talk about it.” She gave Jimmy a look that would send most people running, but Jimmy was more or less immune these days and stood his ground. “I’m going to get some coffee.” She glanced at Clark. “Want some?”
“Uh, yeah. Thanks.”
She nodded and moved away from them, and Jimmy looked at Clark accusingly. “I thought you said you two had worked things out.”
“We did.”
“I gotta tell ya, CK, she doesn’t exactly seem over the moon about it.”
“I think this is... something else,” he said quietly. “I’ll talk to her.”
“Yeah, good luck with that,” Jimmy said under his breath as he walked away.
Clark went to his desk, turned on his computer, and watched as Lois fixed them each a coffee. She seemed to be trying to carry on normally, but it was as if he could feel the weight of her sadness from across the room. He felt completely helpless, though, to do anything about it. He couldn’t console her because he wasn’t even supposed to know what was upsetting her, and he’d sworn her to secrecy as Superman. He’d truly believed that he was doing her a kindness in telling her ahead of time, but now he wondered if he’d erred in that.
It was too late to second-guess that decision, though, and so he just pretended it was a normal day, pulling up the story he’d started working on the day before. He stared at it without actually reading a single word, and soon, Lois was at his side, putting his coffee on his desk.
“Thank you.” He forced himself to look at her, to see the lines of sadness etched in her beautiful face, and he ached to take her in his arms and kiss them all away. There were many reasons why that wasn’t possible, however, so he settled for saying, “Lois, are you sure you’re okay?”
“No.” She met his eyes briefly and then looked away. “Not really.”
It wasn’t the answer he’d been expecting. Lois Lane could be neck-deep in live cobras, and she would insist that she was fine and had everything under control. He was floundering for a response when she went on.
“Superman came to see me last night.” She bit her lip, and he could practically see her editing herself, choosing her words with the utmost care. “He’s having a press conference on Friday, and I offered to contact the media for him.”
“All right.” Clark’s mind was racing. Would she break her promise to Superman? he wondered, and he was uncomfortable when he realized that a part of him hoped she would; it would show that her loyalty to Clark was greater than her loyalty to Superman. It was a thing that shouldn’t need proving – not now – but two years’ worth of insecurities didn’t disappear overnight.
He knew that under normal circumstances, he would ask her what the press conference was about, but he couldn’t bring himself to test her that way. “Do you, uh, need some help?”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I’ve got it. I just... I learned something from him last night, and it was... upsetting. I can’t talk about it yet, but I just thought you should know.”
“Is there anything I can do?” he asked, meaning it. He wanted to help her through this if he could, but it seemed he’d tied his own hands by asking her to keep what Superman had told her in confidence.
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I just... I need a little space today.”
Clark felt adrift, helpless. She was pushing him away, and he was letting her because he didn’t know what else to do. “All right,” he agreed quietly. “But if you need me, Lois....”
She touched his shoulder lightly. “I know.”
And then she was leaving him, returning to her own desk and turning her back to him. He wanted to go to her, to comfort her, but the hypocrisy of that was more than he could stand. He could not inflict the wounds with one hand and then soothe them with the other, even if she didn’t know he was doing it. So instead, he sat mired in guilt while the woman he loved walled herself off from him. He tried to find comfort in his memories of the night before, tried to reach for that one giddy moment of perfect happiness right before he’d told her he loved her, but it was like trying to capture moonlight with his bare hands.
He watched out of the corner of his eye as she opened a drawer, drew out a fax cover sheet, and jotted some notes at the bottom of it. He lowered his glasses just a little and peered closer; the word “Superman” seemed to leap out at him, written clearly in Lois’s confident hand. He shoved his glasses back into place and turned away, his heart pounding at the realization that however much she might not want to, she was keeping her promise and calling the press conference. He’d known she was going to, so there was no reason that seeing her actually doing it should make him feel so unsettled. He was at once exhilarated and uncertain. An odd feeling of nervousness seemed to claw at his insides, and he told himself that it was only natural to feel that way when he stood on the cusp of such a major life change.
He heard the rattle of paper behind him, but he didn’t turn to watch as she rolled her chair back and stood up. Soft sounds of her smoothing her skirt, and then her heels clicked against the hard floor as she walked away from him, in the direction of the fax machine. He heard the small beeps as she punched in numbers, and then he set his teeth as the screech of the connection seemed to reverberate in his head. For an insane moment he wanted to speed across the room and snatch the papers out of her hand, to tell her he wasn’t sure, wasn’t ready....
He heard the whisper of the paper feeding through the machine, and he knew that it was done. The final piece had just been put into place.
Lois had done it.
Lois, who had helped bring Superman to Metropolis, was now helping him out of it. She had always been the strong one, Clark reflected, feeling a strange numbness creeping over him. Superman had gotten the glory, but unbeknownst to the rest of the world, Lois Lane had been standing right beside him, shoring him up. And now she was giving him his freedom, even if she didn’t know it. She was doing it because he had told her he needed to go, and she believed in him and trusted him enough to help him do it.
He wanted to go to her. He wanted to touch her, to somehow reassure both of them that what they had together would sustain them through this strange day and beyond, but it seemed impossible. He could fly into outer space, but he could not approach her at that moment. He had been lying to her for years, so it was odd that it was this final lie – the one that was supposed to bring them closer together – that would open up a chasm between them that even Superman couldn’t cross.
He slipped out of the newsroom while she was still standing at the fax machine, and instead of heading to the roof, he walked out of the Daily Planet as Clark Kent. He wasn’t even completely sure where he was going – just away – but then on impulse he ducked into a nearby bakery and bought several bagels and some cream cheese. With the bag tucked in the crook of his arm, he headed for his attorney’s office, the fresh air, the familiar hum of the city, and the scent of freshly baked bread soothing him as he walked. He’d planned to visit Constance Hunter that day anyway, to tell her about the press conference, but he knew that wasn’t the only reason he was seeking her out. He was going there at that moment because her small, cluttered law office was a haven from the strange currents in the newsroom. He was going there because she was the only person in Metropolis who knew his secret – the important parts of it, anyway – and would understand what a strange day this was for him.
When he reached her building, he found the same restroom he’d used the day before and spun into Superman before approaching her door. He knocked softly and then opened her office door a crack and peeked in. “Ms. Hunter?”
She looked up from whatever she’d been reading, obviously surprised to see him. “Hi,” she said, pushing her glasses up on her nose. “Did we have a meeting?”
“No. But I brought bagels.” He held up the bag and was relieved when she smiled.
“How can I resist a superhero bearing baked goods?” she asked wryly, beckoning him inside.
“You can’t.” He dropped into his usual chair and flashed her a smile. “That’s why I bought them.”
She made a face. “Suddenly, I feel a little easy.”
“Hey, these are good,” he protested. “I got ‘em at Bentley’s. Best bakery in the city.”
“You think?” She moved a pile of books and papers to one side, clearing a space in front of her. “I’ve always liked The Village Bakery better.”
“They’re good, too,” he agreed. “But they weren’t on my way.” He fished around in the bag and pulled out a plain bagel for her and a chocolate chip one for himself, and then he tossed a wad of napkins onto her desk.
“Chocolate doesn’t belong in a bagel,” she scolded as she accepted his offering and eyed his own choice with disapproval.
“My girlfriend would disagree with you.” For a second, a smile touched his lips as he remembered the night before and the look of rapture on Lois’s face as she ate his mother’s brownie. “She thinks chocolate belongs in everything.”
Constance smiled. “So, did you get her one?”
“Yeah,” he admitted. “Partly because I know she’ll like it, and she’s... uh, having a bad day. But also because it’ll give me an excuse for being gone. We work together, so lots of times, when I have to... fly off, I’ll bring her something back. Coffee, ice cream, a bagel... whatever.”
He had no idea why so many truths tumbled out of his mouth in answer to a simple yes or no question, but he found he didn’t regret it. He trusted Constance, and she already knew he’d been living a double life. Giving her glimpses of the day-to-day realities of that life was somehow freeing, and the things that stood between him and Lois just then were out in the open with Constance. She might not know what he called himself when he wasn’t wearing the suit, but she knew that man existed – knew or could guess that he had a job and a home and a woman he loved.
“Speaking of coffee....” She nodded in the direction of her coffee pot, and Clark smiled his thanks and rose to fix himself a cup. While he was dumping in sugar and creamer, she said, “So, did you have to fly off this morning?”
“No,” he admitted. “Mostly I just needed to get away from the... the, uh, place where I work for a few minutes. I don’t know why I came here. I just thought of it, and… anyway, I hope it’s all right.”
“Sure,” she said easily. “You’re the boss.”
He smiled. “Really? You mean it?”
“Why not?” She shrugged and continued spreading cream cheese on her bagel, as if she made major career changes every day. “It’s not like I’ve been setting the world on fire as an attorney. I think this might give me the chance to make the kind of difference I’ve wanted to make all along.”
“I’m glad,” Clark said, feeling a sense of rightness for practically the first time that day. “I... thank you, Ms. Hunter. Thank you for agreeing to do this.”
“You’re welcome. I’ve made contact with all the potential board members we discussed, and everyone agreed to serve. I’m trying to set up a meeting for next Wednesday, and maybe there we can brainstorm about any other members. I don’t suppose I could convince you to put off your retirement for another week or two, could I?”
He shook his head. “The press conference is set for tomorrow morning at nine, at the fountain in Centennial Park. That’s one of the things I wanted to tell you. I plan to announce the formation of the Superman Foundation at the same time I announce that I’m leaving. I’d like for you to be there to take questions after I’m gone.”
She nodded and finished chewing a bite of bagel. “I think you’re making a big mistake.”
“You made yourself clear about that yesterday. I didn’t come here to....”
“Then why did you come?” she asked mildly. “You walked out of this mysterious place where you work, away from the girlfriend you supposedly love...”
“Supposedly...”
“...and came to see me. For what? For breakfast?”
“You’re the only one who... knows… what I’m going through today,” he said, but she shook her head.
“Don’t kid yourself, Superman. I don’t have any idea what you’re going through. I’m just your lawyer. But I do know that you’re supposed to stand for truth and justice, and tomorrow you’re planning to stand up in front of the whole world and lie. And I think you’re the kind of guy who is going to find that hard to do... hard to live with.”
“My whole life is a lie,” he said in a low voice. “Don’t you get that? All day, every day, I’m lying. Whether I’m dressed like this, or whether I’m wearing a coat and tie, I’m lying about who I am, what I can do.”
“What about her?” Constance asked quietly. “Your girlfriend. When do you stop lying to her?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted.
“Before the wedding? The honeymoon? When the kids start flying around the house?”
“I said I don’t know,” he snapped. “The fact that I can fly doesn’t automatically mean I have all the answers. Trust me... it just confuses things more.”
“I can see how it might,” she said, and he saw compassion shining in her eyes. “And I wouldn’t trade places with you. But if you don’t have all the answers right now, maybe that means you need to think about it some more.”
“Last night, while we were having dessert, I heard sirens,” he said slowly, “and for practically the first time ever, I didn’t go. It was a fire.”
“Over at Johnson Middle School,” she murmured, nodding. “I heard about it on LNN this morning.”
“Yeah.” He was quiet for a moment. “I stayed with L… my girlfriend. And it was fine. No fatalities. No one was even upset that I wasn’t there. But it meant something to her that I stayed. It meant something to us. And I don’t know how to explain it, but the fire last night was like a confirmation that I was making the right choice.”
“And what if the fire had happened in the middle of a school day? What if it had been at a hospital, or an apartment building? What then?”
Clark looked down at his hands… reached for a napkin to wipe away the smudges of cream cheese on his fingers. “I don’t know,” he admitted, still rubbing at his hands. “I’ve thought of that – of course I have – but… I don’t know. It’s not like I’ve ever been able to be everywhere. I had to accept a long time ago that I couldn’t save everyone. If I’m here in Metropolis, I can’t be in New York, or London, or the Middle East. I may have superpowers, but I’m still just one guy.” He peeked at her and winced a little, suddenly embarrassed. “I’m being pathetic again, aren’t I?”
She shook her head. “No, not pathetic. But I believed the things you said in court, and I think you believe them, too. You might not be able to save every life, but you make a difference when and where you can. And if you turn your back on that, I wonder how long it will be before you don’t recognize yourself.”
“Are you my lawyer or my therapist?” Clark joked, smiling weakly.
She didn’t laugh. “Right now, I’m just the only person who can ask you these questions. I’m not the one you should be talking to, though. If your girlfriend is as incredible as you say she is, she should be able to handle this.”
“Would you want to?” he asked. “Would you want to have to handle… this?” He lifted one corner of his cape and then let it flutter down beside him.
“No,” she admitted. “But I’m not in love with you. This woman presumably is.”
“Yeah. I hope she is. I know I’m in love with her. But to share… this life… I can’t ask it of her. My life is… crazy. I don’t think I’ve really stopped to think about just how crazy it is until recently. No woman should have to put up with that.”
“No woman should have a relationship built on lies,” she countered.
He sighed. “It’s not that simple.”
How could he explain just how ridiculously complicated things had gotten? How many wrong turns he and Lois had made along the way? How could he explain that he’d spent two years trapped in a lovers’ triangle with himself, and how those insecurities were still eating at him, even after Lois had made the choice he’d wanted her to make? How could he begin to tell her just how angry Lois would be with him if she knew any part of this, when he suspected that the instrument had yet to be invented that could measure anger on such a grand scale?
He drew a shaky breath. “If I tell her now, there’s a very real chance I could lose her. And if I lose her, then Superman just might disappear anyway.” He tossed away the napkin he’d been twisting in his hands. “That’s the thing that no one knows about Superman. He’s never just been me…my powers. She’s been right there, every step of the way. She doesn’t know it, but he’s as much her creation as he is mine.”
“I don’t exactly understand that,” she said, her brow wrinkling thoughtfully, “but if it’s true, then it’s all the more reason you shouldn’t make this decision without her. If she’s really been there for you – the Superman you – all this time…”
“She has,” he admitted, suddenly awash in memories: Lois supplying his quotes in his very first interview... Lois, defending Superman during the heat wave… Lois, kissing him goodbye when he went into space to tackle Nightfall… Lois, digging a Kryptonite bullet out of his shoulder…
And Lois, standing at a fax machine, giving him his freedom.
“I don’t know what to do,” he said hoarsely, his head falling into his hands.
“What would she want you to do?” Constance asked quietly.
He gave a mirthless laugh. “She would want me to be two people. Because if I’m not two people, it means she’s been wrong all this time, and… she doesn’t exactly like being wrong.”
“You can’t be two people. You never were,” Constance persisted. “So in light of that, what would she want you to do?”
“Are you sure you weren’t good in front of a jury?” he asked, glancing up at her.
“Very sure. But I think I’m going to make a good foundation director, because when I believe in something, I’m willing to fight for it.”
“What are you fighting for now?”
“Truth and justice,” she told him simply. “I think those are the things your girlfriend would want from you – would expect from you – whether it’s the Superman you or the other you I don’t know.”
“And if she leaves me… if I lose her, what do I do then?”
“You grovel,” she told him, her mouth quirking in a smile. “Do they teach men to grovel on Krypton?”
He smiled in spite of himself. “I have no idea,” he admitted. “I’m from Kansas.”
“You’ll do fine, then. You must have picked it up along the way.”
“I thought you hated it when I was pathetic.”
“I hated it because I can’t resist it. I have a feeling your girlfriend might be even more susceptible.”
Privately, Clark doubted it. Aloud he said, “I’ll think about it. Everything you’ve said… I’ll think about it.”
She nodded. “Thanks for the bagel.”
“You’re welcome.” He stood up and cleared his trash off her desk. “I’ll see you at 9:00 tomorrow?”
She nodded. “At the fountain. I’ll be there.”
“Thanks.” He reached for the bag with Lois's bagel and left his attorney's office, feeling more confused than ever.
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A/N: One line in this part pilfered from “We Have a Lot to Talk About” written by John McNamara. Beta thanks as always to the fantabulous Sara Kraft, and thanks so much to everyone who has taken the time to comment!
