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Top Banana
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OP
Top Banana
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,384 |
Hi, Kitty! I just read your story. You ask for suggestions on smoothing the story out, and also how to continue. I'm not a fanfic writer, myself, so I'm afraid I really don't have any suggestions on how to continue. I will tell you, from the reader's point of view, that you have a very interesting premise (Kryptonian mosquitos bringing a virus to earth). Part I leaves off with quite a cliff-hanger, and definitely makes the reader want to know what is going to happen next. As far as smoothing the story out, I would recommend posting in the "Fanfic Related" thread, asking for a Beta Reader. A good BR would help you clean up the spelling or grammatical errors, which would make the story smoother and easier to read. Perhaps an experienced BR would also have suggestions on how to continue. Good luck! - Vicki 
"Hold on, my friends, to the Constitution and to the Republic for which it stands. Miracles do not cluster and what has happened once in 6,000 years, may not happen again. Hold on to the Constitution" - Daniel Webster
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
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Adding to Vicki's sound advice, Kitty, it would also help if you added extra hard returns between paragraphs and different characters talking in dialogue. For example, instead of this: On earth, Perry screams “Lois! Clark! One of you go and gets Superman, We have a Kryptonian ship in orbit. There are no signs of a pilot. It’s rapidly approaching Metropolis.”
Clark rushes out, “I’ll see if I can get a hold of him.”
Clark gets there in time to prevent the shuttle from crashing to the most highly populated place in Metropolis. He later sets the shuttle down near a clearing in an empty runway of the Metropolis international airport. He helps the medical and other rescue groups to go through the wreckage for survivors. As they surveyed the crews, Dr. Klein was called in and he had assets the bodies were all to be of Kryptonian in origin but upon further investigation he had found the bodies to be sucked dry of all traces of blood. But Clark’s super-hearing had picket up a heartbeat somewhere in the wreckage. He listened closely and followed it. Clark lifts the wreckage and found a young teenage man with light skin and blond hair. Clark examines him and saw that the man was indeed alive and had a nametag on. He read the nametag and it said, “Philip Henson, assistant researcher of the SRV.” Clark assumes from what he saw earlier on the remains of the ship had the initial SRV on it and after it had explained “ Science Research Vessel.” ... it would be much easier to read this: On earth, Perry screams “Lois! Clark! One of you go and gets Superman, We have a Kryptonian ship in orbit. There are no signs of a pilot. It’s rapidly approaching Metropolis.”
Clark rushes out, “I’ll see if I can get a hold of him.”
Clark gets there in time to prevent the shuttle from crashing to the most highly populated place in Metropolis. He later sets the shuttle down near a clearing in an empty runway of the Metropolis international airport. He helps the medical and other rescue groups to go through the wreckage for survivors.
As they surveyed the crews, Dr. Klein was called in and he had assets the bodies were all to be of Kryptonian in origin but upon further investigation he had found the bodies to be sucked dry of all traces of blood. But Clark’s super-hearing had picket up a heartbeat somewhere in the wreckage. He listened closely and followed it.
Clark lifts the wreckage and found a young teenage man with light skin and blond hair. Clark examines him and saw that the man was indeed alive and had a nametag on.
He read the nametag and it said, “Philip Henson, assistant researcher of the SRV.” Clark assumes from what he saw earlier on the remains of the ship had the initial SRV on it and after it had explained “ Science Research Vessel.” Also, breaking up long paragraphs into shorter lumps makes it much easier for the reader to follow your story.  Kaethel
- I'm your partner. I'm your friend.
- Is that what we are?
- Oh, you know what? I don't know what we are. We kiss and then we never talk about it. We nearly die frozen in each other's arms, but we never talk about it, so no, I got no clue what we are.
~ Rick Castle and Kate Beckett ~ Knockout ~
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Apr 2003
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Hi, Great start.  PS Don't let this story finish on a Decease Stories list.
Maria D. Ferdez.
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Don't like Luthor, unfinished, untitled and crossover story, and people that promises and don't deliver. I'm getting choosy with age.
MAF
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Beat Reporter
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Beat Reporter
Joined: Jun 2003
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As far as smoothing the story out, I would recommend posting in the "Fanfic Related" thread, asking for a Beta Reader. A good BR would help you clean up the spelling or grammatical errors, which would make the story smoother and easier to read. Perhaps an experienced BR would also have suggestions on how to continue. I posted one on Zoomway, and another one on another and neither one had any answered. Hey, Kaethel, thank you for the suggestion. I'll try and see if I can break my up into smaller paragraphys. Even if I've been in the US for twenty or more years. English is still hard for me, especially the verbs.  So, do I! I must have blood type B+ because that's the blood type they like the most. I used to live in UIC area in Chicago. It's a mosquitos city over there and I always get 60 to 65 bites each summer.  mariadferdez. So, you liked it? Do you want me to email it to you personally when I'm done? Don't let this story finish on a Decease Stories list. 
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Apr 2003
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Hi Kitty, mariadferdez. So, you liked it? Do you want me to email it to you personally when I'm done? I'm not a BR but, I don't mind ready.  So, do I! I must have blood type B+ because that's the blood type they like the most. I used to live in UIC area in Chicago. It's a mosquitos city over there and I always get 60 to 65 bites each summer. They love every type off blood. With three drop of rain and you have enough mosquitos for a week. I don't think they live that much. MAF
Maria D. Ferdez.
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Don't like Luthor, unfinished, untitled and crossover story, and people that promises and don't deliver. I'm getting choosy with age.
MAF
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Joined: Apr 2003
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Boards Chief Administrator Emeritus Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 9,362 |
Don't let this story finish on a Decease Stories list. Kitty, this refers to Maria's famous lists of stories which have lapsed midway through - she breaks them up into stories on Life Support, Coma, and so on, depending how long it's been since the author last posted, and Deceased Stories are stories which seem to have been abandoned and will never be finished. You can find Maria's lists in Fanfic Related. IOW - it was a nag to keep writing. <G> LabRat
Athos: If you'd told us what you were doing, we might have been able to plan this properly.
Aramis: Yes, sorry.
Athos: No, no, by all means, let's keep things suicidal.
The Musketeers
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Beat Reporter
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Beat Reporter
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I wont abandon my story. ...or not...  ... Although I vaguely remember stopping one story where I couldn't figure out where to go next. But this seems interesting enough to keep it going. Although you might expect a few twist and turns. I might just make this a suspense one. They love every type off blood. With three drop of rain and you have enough mosquitos for a week. I don't think they live that much. But UIC used to be a swamp land before they flatten it. I've written over twenty L&C stories and only four of them made it to the fanfic. 1. lcfanfic.com 2. lcfanfic.com 2 just to name a few. If I can find a beta reader then I'll post it also.
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Features Writer
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Features Writer
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Kitty
interesting premise
and a cliffhanger - which I hate
ditto the suggestions for easier reading
merry
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Beat Reporter
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Beat Reporter
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Posts: 383 |
interesting premise
and a cliffhanger - which I hate why I love it.
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Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 383
Beat Reporter
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Beat Reporter
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 383 |
P.S. They love every type off blood. With three drop of rain and you have enough mosquitos for a week. I don't think they live that much. True, but UIC used to be a swamp land. When I was living there I counted each summer I would get between 50 to 65 bites each summer. Now that I've moved north west side of Chicago, I only get 5 to ten bites per summer.
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