Hate Myself For Loving You
Folc4evernaday
Chapter 10: Second Chances
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Images swirled around in an almost tango with one another. It was Clark’s voice and Superman’s face as she walked through EPRAD with the familiar man in blue spandex. His red cape billowed in the wind as he turned to her with an almost teasing smile.
<<“Lois, trust me on this. I am not your typical male.”>>There again, in the doorway of the Apollo, Lois saw him standing before her, fresh out of the shower. She stared back at him, seeing the droplets of water trickling down his shoulders from where he hadn’t quite finished drying off yet. He looked down at his bare chest in surprise then back at her, but something was missing.
‘Glasses. Where are his glasses?’
<< “I said nine. I thought you’d be…naked…um, ready.”>> Lois stared back at him. The crowd of reporters and cameras surrounded them. Clark was about to fly into space and save the day. Just as he always did. She stared into his eyes, seeing the worry in his eyes as he reached back to cup her cheek.
<<“I’ll be back, Lois. We’ll go flying.”>>
‘Wait, what?’The red cape billowed through the air behind him as he stared back at her. His eyes pierced through her, looking into her soul with an intensity she’d never seen from him before. She felt her heart patter against her chest as he dropped the unexpected bombshell on her.
<<“I have been in love with you…for a long time. You had to have known.”>>
‘This isn’t how this happened….What is this?’Lois stared back at Clark as she proclaimed her heartfelt plea, hoping to sway him.
<<“If you had no powers, if you were just an ordinary man leading an ordinary life, I’d love you just the same. Can’t you believe that?”
“I wish I could Lois, but under the circumstances, I don’t see how I can.”>> One by one, the images seemed to meld into one. The two faces became one, and Lois shot up in bed, swiping the sweat beads from her forehead as she looked around the room, trying to place her unfamiliar surroundings.
The events from the previous evening came flooding back.
The hotel.
The destruction of her evening wear.
The police.
Everything.
<<“Anything else I should know?”
“Yes,”
“Well?”
“Well, Lois, the truth is…I disguise myself as Superman so I can save people from danger without putting those I care about in danger.”
“Very funny. You almost had me.”>>Panic began to rise within her as the memories from the night before flashed back, and she recalled the ‘admission’ with scrutiny. This was insanity. It had to be a joke, right?
<<“Sometimes what it seems people are doing isn’t what they’re actually doing.”>>
<<“Oh, Clark, I don’t care if he used Crazy Glue! You’re back!”>>
<<“We need to talk to Superman and the only way I can get his attention is to fall out of a window which I’d rather not do right now or tell you. So, here I am.”
“I, uh, forgot my mail downstairs.”
“Clark, this is important. You can get your mail later.”
“I’m expecting my, uh, Cheese-of-the-Month shipment. I’ll be right back.”>>Thousands of unexplained absences and excuses ran through her mind. Had she ever seen the two of them together?
<<“…and here in this apartment, we find the final piece of the puzzle which tells us that Superman is none other than Clark Kent.”>>The supposed revelation Dianna Stride had uncovered on Top Copy resulted in a press conference being called by Clark and Superman. They had both been there. Superman had done most of the talking. Though, looking back on it, the superhero had seemed different. He hadn’t landed on the podium and addressed the press as per his usual behavior. He floated above them and sold them all a story about needing a place to hang his cape.
‘This is insanity.’ She told herself, feeling her insides tremble as the implications of what this all could mean hit her. Her eyes burned red and tears of anger stung their way through her tear ducts as she recalled each and every moment over the last year and a half through a different lens.
<<“Where’s Clark?”
“Right here.”>>
<<“I don’t want to die.”
“Lois, I would never let that happen.”>>She recalled the countless times Clark and Superman had been there, saving her from both herself and the nefarious criminals they came up against time after time. Looking back, she couldn’t understand how she didn’t see it before. Superman remained aloof and distant in public, but he had a tendency of letting his guard down around her. As she did him.
<<“I know our relationship has always been …difficult to define. But, when I thought about how much I missed you, how much I was going to miss you for the rest of my life…well, I started to think maybe there’s more to our relationship than just friendship.”>>Flashes of shredded memories overlapping one another and submerging her mind into this new reality flooded her consciousness, and she felt the tears trickle down her cheeks. A sick feeling of dread, anguish, and anger overtook her as she recalled the grief she had suffered through thinking she had lost her best friend only to find out he’d been ‘saved’ by his alter-ego using a cloning treatment on him.
<<“Did you lie to me?”
“What makes you say that?”>>Anger coursed through her veins as she swiped the tears from her cheeks, trying to reconcile the Clark and Superman in her mind. A part of her wanted to deny it. Push the revelation out and cling to the truth she had known for so long. It would have been far easier than the current hand she’d been dealt with.
He had lied to her.
Superman.
Clark.
Whoever he was.
<<“Well, Lois, the truth is…”>>The words cut like a knife, delivering a deadly blow to the foundation of trust, friendship, and so much more that had been built up over the last year and a half. She tried to rationalize it in her mind, making sense out of the confession she didn’t even realize she’d been receiving up until now.
<<“The truth is…”>>He had let her make a fool of herself for over a year.
He made her think he was dead.
He
lied.<<“The truth is…”>>The list of crimes he had committed raced through her mind as she flashed back to the previous evening. She ran through every conversation she had had with him – both versions of him. Was any of it even real? Which version was the real one? Clark Kent or Superman?
He had lied about everything.
<<“Well, Lois, the truth is…I disguise myself as Superman so I can save people from danger without putting those I care about in danger.”
“Very funny. You almost had me.”>>A knock came from her hotel door, pulling her attention back to the present. She checked the peephole, noting the officer outside the door with his badge held up for her inspection. She sighed and opened the door for him. “I take it you have some news?”
“Henderson wanted to deliver himself,” the officer replied with a shrug. “He’ll meet us downstairs in twenty.”
Lois nodded, grateful for the momentary distraction as she looked back in the hotel room. “Just give me a minute, and I’ll be ready.”
“I’ll be here.”
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Dan Scardino took a sip of his coffee, running a hand over his wounded hand as he looked around the semi-crowded dining room where the hotel’s breakfast buffet was being served. His hand was still aching from the cuts he’d earned breaking into the emergency firearm case to return fire from yesterday’s shoot out. He couldn’t prove anything as of yet, but every fiber in his being shouted at him that this was the work of Sean McCarthy.
Bombings were typically his style. A quick in and out ob to cause maximum damage, but he wasn’t above using serious firepower to take out a target. Scardino flashed back momentarily to the last shoot out he had been involved in with McCarthy. The one that had taken Jenna from him and every hope he’d ever had for a future outside of Washington and the DEA.
‘Never again,’ Scardino promised himself. He may not like being jerked around by the jilted ADA, but he knew he had a job to do. The sooner he tracked down McCarthy and put him back behind bars the better. He was better off alone anyway.
He set his mug down on the table he was approaching and scooted into the long booth that was lined against the half wall with an array of individual two-seater tables against it. He then set his plate down and sighed, preparing to dig into the stack of French toast on his plate when he spotted a familiar brunette sitting a table away from him.
“You stalking me, Lane?” Scardino teased, peering over his plate to where Lois Lane was seated in front of her own breakfast plate, stirring the contents with her fork, oblivious it appeared to the world around her.
She looked up from her plate and threw him an annoyed scowl but the officer sitting across from her answered with a disapproving tone thrown in Scardino’s way, “Why don’t you just keep your eyes on your own plate, Scardino.”
“Tough crowd,” Scardino muttered to himself, sticking his fork into the bite he’d cut on his toast.
“Aren’t you supposed to be looking for McCarthy?” Lois asked, taking a sip of her coffee not looking up from her mug.
Scardino gestured around the room. “I do have to eat.” He let out a sigh, “Mayson and I split up the list of possible locations last night. One of them being here.”
“Dead end?” Lois guessed, taking a sip of her coffee.
“More or less,” He sighed, looking back at her with a cocked eyebrow, “And I’m guessing you either don’t trust me to hold up my end of the bargain or got some seriously questionable spending habits?”
“Or maybe she’s staying here while the local police complete an investigation on a separate issue.” Scardino looked up, following where the voice had come from and spotted Bill Henderson standing at the end of the booth with a file jacket in his hand. Henderson cocked an eyebrow at Lois, “You two working together or this just a coincidence?”
“Depends,” Scardino piped in, looking at Henderson with a curious expression. “You got information on McCarthy.”
Henderson looked at Lois before continuing, seeming to silently be asking for permission to continue. She nodded and responded with a sigh. “It’s fine.” Henderson set a plastic bag on the table, and Lois frowned at the sight of the bagged evidence, “You find anything?”
“No,” Henderson pointed to the letter in the bag, “But we did match prints on this one to someone in our database.”
“Why do I get a feeling there’s a
‘but’ in there?” Lois asked.
Henderson set the black and white rap sheet of Sean McCarthy down on the table in front of her. “Only problem is he’s technically dead.” He turned to Scardino, “I guess you were right, Scardino.”
Scardino reached over to examine the evidence on the table. “McCarthy sent this to you?”
“A few days ago, so it would seem,” Lois responded with a shrug before turning back to Henderson, “And my apartment? Do you think it was him?”
“No,” Henderson shook his head. “Nothing leads us to believe the attack last night was connected to the letters sent by McCarthy.”
“If it wasn’t McCarthy, then who the hell was it?” Lois demanded.
The officer who had been sitting quietly with Lois for most of Henderson’s visit spoke up, clearing his throat as he added. “We think what happened in your apartment was completed by a
different stalker.”
“You have two different stalkers, Lois,” Henderson warned.
________________________________________
Diego Martinez lingered around the Metropolis impound, keeping an eye out for any officers that might recognize him. He tucked his chin down into the collar of his jacket as he made his way through the maze of broken car parts and pieces. The curl of his lip spread into a grin when he spotted the car wreckage he had been looking for. He checked the license plate hanging by one lowly screw at the end of the charcoaled sedan. It was definitely a match for Mayson Drake’s car.
He placed a hand on the passenger door, peering inside the burnt automobile. Nothing jumped out at him as out of the ordinary, but that didn’t mean the missing resurrection pill wasn’t hiding in a slot or console. He tightened his grip on the handle to the passenger door, preparing to begin his search when he heard a scuffle from a few feet away.
“Why in the world do you want to pull the DA’s car again?”
Diego fell back to the ground, crawling his way to cover as he heard the footsteps approaching. He could feel his heart jump into his throat as he reached the end of an old pickup truck, seeking solace behind the rusted metal as he attempted to exit the impound lot without being caught. Gables wouldn’t be happy, but there was no way he was going to get thrown back in prison over a measly pill that had been lost due to that weasel Albie’s screw up.
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‘Two.’ Lois felt her body involuntarily recoil at the thought of not one, but two sickos sitting in a basement somewhere dreaming up their next act of chaos to disrupt her life with. She felt her insides shudder as she ran her hands up and down the sleeves of her jacket, trying to disburse the cold chill that had run down her spine.
It was almost too much.
Almost.
Right now, she had even bigger problems to tackle. She looked up at the staircase leading to the three-hundred building on Clinton Street, wondering just how long she would sit out here, delaying the inevitable. It wasn’t like she could just run away from the bombshell Clark had dropped on her last night.
He had said it.
She had heard it.
She hadn’t taken him seriously at the time.
‘Why now?’ she wondered, staring at the dark red door a few feet away. After nearly two years, why choose now to put an end to the lies?
Clark was Superman. It wasn’t a question.
It wasn’t a theory.
It was a confession Clark had entrusted to her.
Inner doubts plagued her mind as she tried to rationalize the last year and a half with this revelation. How had she missed something so huge?
Lois drummed her fingers against the console of her Jeep, running through the emotions that came with the revelation. Anger. Distrust. Confusion. Dismay. She felt each emotion rise up within her and then settle back down like tidal waves beating against the shore.
Her mind ran through the facts once more, recalling one by one the memories of strange occurrences over the last year that now made logical sense. Each disappearance. Each unexplainable and peculiar behavior. All of them could be explained by Clark’s revelation.
Her hand gripped the steering wheel as she contemplated her next move carefully. He had entrusted something to her. Whatever his reason for divulging his dual identities to her had been, she knew it had been a risk on his part. As angry and hurt as she was, she couldn’t rationally hold onto her fury with that knowledge. There had been no gun to his head forcing him to reveal himself. There had been no cornering. He had the choice of gracefully declining an answer and leaving her in the dark, but he hadn’t.
Why?
‘Only one way to find out,’ she told herself silently as her hand fell to the handle on the driver’s side door panel.
Reconciling the two sides of him felt like an impossible feat. Each time she felt like she had a good handle on the revelation, another memory would pop up, and all the emotions would rush through her once again, repeating the cycle.
Deciding she had put her decision off long enough, she gripped the door handle and opened the door, preparing to hash this out once and for all. She needed answers. The only way she would get hem was if she talked to Clark.
Each step up the brick steps felt like a battle won as she pushed back every doubt that plagued her. She finally reached the top step and lifted her hand to knock on the door, feeling as if her arm held the weight of an anvil. She barely had a chance to bring her arm back down when the door opened up, and she saw Clark - appearing to have just rolled out of bed - minus the glasses.
“Lois?” he squinted back at her in disbelief. “It’s six in the morning.”
“Well some of us didn’t get the luxury of unloading our conscience so we could sleep like a baby,” Lois snipped careful to not let the name
‘Superman’ escape her lips as she pushed her way inside. She closed the door behind her and crossed her arms over her chest, staring him down. “What’s wrong? Not chatty anymore,
Superman?”
________________________________________
Mayson hobbled her way through the impound lot, making her way to the back lot where Scardino had asked her to meet him—at seven in the morning. She muttered several profanities along the way as she caught herself from falling for the umpteenth time. She reached the end of the backlot where Agent Dan Scardino was chatting up Detective Ryder and one of the impound workers.
“Well, look who finally decided to grace us with her presence,” Dan Scardino smirked at her, crossing the few feet to where she was.
“It’s seven in the morning,” she responded through gritted teeth.
“You have something better to do?” Scardino asked with a wink.
“That’s not the point,” Mayson huffed as she reached the end of the lot where Ryder was. “What could you possibly need me down here for at this insane hour?”
“We want to search your car again and see if there’s anything we missed the first time,” Detective Ryder explained, pointing to where her formerly prized immaculate car was hoisted up on the lift.
Scardino added with a shrug, “Your car bomber may have left a print of some sort. If we can connect the car bombing to McCarthy, then that will go a long way in building a federal case against him.”
“What good is that going to do if you still can’t find McCarthy?” Mayson shot back bitterly. Scardino gave her a look, and she sighed. “Fine, do what you have to do.”
________________________________________
“They’re doing
what?”
The shout from Stanley Gables’ throat shook the room to a dead silence as the ailing man pounded his fist on the table where Albie had just set a mug of hot tea, resulting in the hot liquid to splash over the blueprints they had been pouring over.
Diego ran an uneasy hand across the back of his neck and paced in front of the table. “I don’t know, Mr. Gables. The DA’s car got pulled up on the flatbed, and a whole lot of badges were following ‘em.” Diego pointed a finger at his chest. “I just got out of the joint. I ain’t going back.”
“No, you just left the key to our plans in the hands of those yellow-bellied pigs!” Gables shouted back at him in disgust.
“Hey, at least I can keep my trap shut!” Diego snorted back smugly.
“What the devil are you going on about?” Gables demanded with a glare.
Diego let out a mocking chuckle as he jutted his chin out smugly, “You’re going on about me not grabbing a pill that may or may not have been in the DA’s car, but McCarthy over there has been spilling the beans to dear old mom for weeks.”
The sound of ceramic shattering against the wall could be heard as Gables roared into a rage. Diego fell to the ground taking cover as he watched the fury-filled Gables stalk out of the room and focus his attention on McCarthy.
Albie tapped his foot at Diego and squatted down to stare him down. “If you think you’re out of the woods you’re sadly mistaken.” He pointed to the doorway. “I suggest you start packing.”
“Packing?”
“You know McCarthy better than anyone.” Albie hissed back at him. “Find whatever evidence he sloppily left out there to lead anyone that wants to look hard enough right back to us.” His eyes grew dark. “Take care of it.”
________________________________________
Clark focused his attention on pouring the freshly brewed coffee into the two mugs in front of him. He stole a quick glance to the living room where Lois was pacing in front of the couch, nervously toying with one of the buttons on her jacket.
He shouldn’t have been surprised to find her on his doorstep this morning. He hadn’t expected her to show up before the sun had finished rising, but he had expected some sort of reaction once the shock of his revelation wore off, and she processed everything. He had been dumbfounded last night when she had laughed him off, not taking him seriously. He still wasn’t entirely sure what had made him do it. But there was no backtracking now. All that was left to do was work through what this meant for his relationship with Lois.
She was
here.
That had to mean something, right?
He let out a sigh as he finished pouring the coffee into the mugs and turned to set the half-empty pot back on the coffeemaker.
‘Here goes nothing,’ he thought to himself as he carried the two cups into the living room where Lois continued to pace.
“Coffee?” He handed her a mug.
“Thanks,” Lois took the mug from him and then met his gaze briefly before making her way to the couch. Her gaze remained on the inside of her mug as she took her seat on the far end of the sofa.
Clark set his mug down on the coffee table and then turned to Lois, who was looking everywhere but at him. “I’m guessing you’re not into the whole talking thing right now?”
“I’m thinking,” Lois answered softly, reaching over to set her own mug down on the table.
“About?” Clark prompted, catching her gaze for a half-minute before she turned away. He let out a deep breath, “Superman was only meant to be a disguise. I never expected …” he caught himself, unable to finish the thought because he knew to Lois Superman had been much more than hair gel and spandex.
“Never expected…me to figure it out?” Lois arched an eyebrow at him. “Or never expected to tell me?”
“Lois, it wasn’t like that,” Clark admonished, shaking his head.
“Then, what was it?” Lois demanded, running her hand against her forehead, “I’ve gone over and over it in my head, trying to rationalize how I could have missed something so huge and why someone I thought I knew better than anyone would spend the better part of almost two years lying to me and making me believe he was two different people.” She shrugged her shoulders and stammered, “Cl…I mean, what do I even call you?”
“Same thing you’ve always called me….” Clark shook his head in dismay. “I’m still Clark. The suit …Superman was just a disguise I wore so I could help people in need.” He lowered his head in his hands, “I never meant for things to get so complicated.”
Lois folded her arms over her chest, “Like faking your death for two days?”
“I panicked,” Clark looked back up at her. “I didn’t know what to do. I heard the shot, and then the next thing I knew, I just froze and played dead. I’m sorry. Everything – my whole life was over in an instant. I spent the next two days trying to find a way out of that mess.” He held up his index finger and thumb, “I was this close to telling you before I found Dr. Hamilton’s research.”
“Lucky for Professor Hamilton,” Lois mused for a moment. He wasn’t sure if she was being genuine or not but chose not to question it. To his relief, she didn’t push the issue with him, instead choosing to drudge up another of his deceptions, “And I’m guessing the pheromone didn’t really affect you?”
Clark blushed, recalling the time he’d taken advantage of the opportunity presented to him after being tortured by Lois for two days. “No,” was all he could manage to respond with before Lois changed direction.
“What about the press conference?”
“Press conference?” Clark’s brows furrowed, and he looked back at her with a questioning gaze.
“The one you called after the Diana Stride fiasco?” Lois prompted him.
“Oh, that press conference,” he let out a soft chuckle.
“Both you and Superman were at the conference,” her eyebrow arched as she stared him down, “or were you?”
“Mom’s 3-D laser and a recorded speech,” Clark answered with the slump of his shoulders. “I honestly had no idea what to do at the time. That was all mom’s idea.”
“Your mom’s a pretty smart woman,” Lois mused, seeming to relax for a moment. She took a long pause for what felt like an eternity and then turned back to him, “So, the weird errands in the middle of a conversation, disappearing without any notice…”
“I’m not very good at the whole coming up with excuses to leave thing. I hate lying. Never was any good at it,”
“And why you had Superman’s globe,” She contemplated aloud. “I never could understand why you would steal something like that.”
He hung his head, “I wasn’t sure how to tell you….everything….then.”
“I’m trying to wrap my head around this….every conversation I’ve had about you…with you…” He smiled at her, and she glared at him, “It’s not funny,”
“I didn’t say anything,” He blushed, knowing full-well his face was already speaking for him.
“You smirked,” She challenged, crossing her arms over her chest as she let out a light huff. He wasn’t sure how many more questions she would come up with, but so far, none of his responses had resulted in her running out the door. That had to count for something, right?
“So, why now?” Lois finally asked.
Clark shrugged his shoulders, “I was tired of lying.” He scooted himself toward the middle of the couch and placed a hand on hers. “I’ve been going over this for months…trying to find the right way to tell you.” He let out an aggravated sigh, “I have
hated lying to you, Lois.”
Lois toyed with the lint on her lap and then looked up at him with a troubled expression, “So, where do we go from here?”
“I don’t know,” He responded softly. “How mad are you?”
She seemed to think about it for a moment, “I don’t know,”
“You don’t know?” He asked in confusion.
“No, I don’t,” She shrugged her shoulders. “I’m mad one minute, and then I’m curious the next. It’s just a lot. I get why you lied at first, and I understand why you probably felt like you had to keep the secret last year what with Lex and Trask but … for almost two years? Everything I thought was one way is…”
“….different,” He finished her thought for her.
“Yes,” She reached up and took his glasses off, folding them in her palm.
“What?” He asked.
She reached up and mussed with his hair for a moment, “Just trying to see what I missed….for a year,”
“Well, I was trying to hide…” He said softly.
“So was I…” She said softly. A silence fell between them, and then Lois spoke up with a crack in her voice. “I won’t tell anyone. I…You can trust me.”
“I know, Lois,” he reached his hand over to caress her cheek. “I never thought you’d do something like that.”
“Then what was it?” she asked, looking back at him. “I mean, why…for two years?”
“I have always kept this part of my life hidden, Lois.
Always,” he answered cautiously. “Especially after everything that happened with Trask …and Luthor.” His hand fell, and he let out a deep sigh, “I was afraid of making you a target.”
“I’m already a target,” Lois acknowledged.
“I know,” he buried his head in his hands. “I never wanted this. I just…I wanted to help. That’s all.” His brow furrowed. “Unfortunately, by helping, I’ve put a target on my back. Every criminal or wannabe criminal is hell-bent on proving themselves by drawing Superman out – usually by hurting you or someone I care about.”
The guarded look she’d had on her face earlier had disappeared, and her features softened as she looked back at him. “But you stopped them.”
“Yeah,” he nodded his head, “But not without risk. Everyone I care about. Everyone I love is a target. This secret—It’s not something I could share with just anyone.”
“But, you shared it with me?” Lois prompted, tightening her hand around his.
“Of course,” Clark turned to her, brushing his hand against her cheek. “After how close we’ve gotten… Being Superman has cost me a lot over the last few years. I couldn’t take the risk of losing you too.”
________________________________________
“This secret—It’s not something I could share with just anyone,” Clark explained gently. Lois could hear the heartbreak behind his voice.
“But, you shared it with me?” Lois reached her hand over to take his in her palm.
“Of course,” Clark turned to her, brushing his hand against her cheek. “After how close we’ve gotten…Being Superman has cost me a lot over the last few years. I couldn’t take the risk of losing you too.”
"What?" She squeezed his hand, silently willing him to continue.
“I love you,” he whispered hoarsely before closing the remaining distance between them. He released her hand with his and then moved both hands to cup her face, and his lips found hers. A whisper of a kiss brushed against her lips, and she heard a moan escape her throat. He pulled back, trying to break off the kiss, and she snaked her hand around the back of his head, pulling him back to her.
One kiss became four then eight until she lost count, sinking back against the soft cushions of the couch as his solid frame pressed against hers. Her insides went numb, forgetting the hundred thousand reasons she had given herself to keep her guard up.
It didn’t matter.
She was a goner, and she knew it.
Her arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him toward her as she felt her way up his broad shoulders. His hands moved down the side of her face, outlining the frame of her face with her hands as his lips devoured hers. The passion she’d felt from the time their lips first met multiplied ten-fold as he poured his soul into the act of kissing her.
“I love you, Lois,” He murmured against her lips. His hand cupped her cheek, running his hand through her hair. "I've always loved you."
The confession reached Lois Lane’s ears, and she stilled in his arms, suddenly unconvinced of how to react. Her mind flashed back to the last time he had made such a declaration to her. She felt her mind go blank as she recalled the painful lie she had used to push him away for fear she would be forced to confront the truth she had buried for so long. A tear escaped the corner of her eyes, and she let out a muffled sob, tearing herself away from him for fear she would repeat her mistakes if she wasn’t careful.
Reconciling that at the time she had been crushing Clark’s heart into two, she had been simultaneously doing the same to Superman felt like a sharp stab in the heart. Not only had she lied and dashed his heart into two, but then she’d turned around and begged his alter-ego for a chance with him as an ‘ordinary man’ – unbeknownst to her she had just turned down that ordinary man.
Would it always be like this? A bitter pill of reality, she would be forced to face when she realized the depth of her own arrogance and his deception? There had been a time she would have welcomed the declaration of love with open arms and ridden off into the sunset with him without a care in the world. But that had been before she had not only come to terms with the torch she had carried for the caped hero but also discovered her very real feelings for her partner.
Merging the two as one felt like an impossible feat. Could she even declare such a deep devotion when there was still so much she didn’t know about him? On the one hand, she felt like she knew him better than anyone, but on the other, she felt as if he was a stranger.
“Lois?”
She held a hand up and backed away from him, unshed tears filling her eyes as she turned to leave. She felt the brisk cold tingle against her face as she held back the tears that threatened to become too much for her. She reached the end of the stairs and rushed to her Jeep, keys in hand, and ready to jump into the solace of her vehicle and drive away as fast as she could.
It wasn’t that easy. It was never that easy. Lois let out a choked out sob as she thrust her key towards the locked door of her Jeep, searching desperately for the small opening which would allow her to climb inside and escape the intensity of the hard truth she was struggling to swallow. Her body ached in agony, flashing the heated memory through her mind as she struggled to hold her hand steady. The heat of Clark’s breath against hers and her body pressed against his lingered in the forefront of her mind. She clamped her eyes closed, banishing the irrational pleas from her.
She wanted to be with him—almost desperately. No, she needed to be with him. It was like breathing. Something —someone she had become so reliant on she couldn’t imagine not having him here with her. He was her best friend, her partner—and now maybe so much more. Yet as much as she yearned for that closeness, a part of him – a huge part - was a stranger to her. Reconciling the superpowered hero that leaped tall buildings in a single bound and lifted rockets into space with the naïve farm boy from Kansas that challenged her on all fronts proved to be more difficult than she could have ever imagined.
Everything felt so overwhelming as she worked through the intensity at which the spark between her and Clark ignited almost instinctually. It had been intoxicating. Almost like a drug she so desperately needed to get a fix of. It all swirled within her like a hurricane. The breathtaking joy mixed with the gut-wrenching pain of allowing herself to be that vulnerable.
Trusting herself to be that vulnerable brought back the painful memories of the mistakes from her past and the bitter reminder of just how hard it was to trust someone with her most vulnerable moments. The last time she gave into such emotions, she had been met with betrayal and the agonizing humiliation of having to endure the heart-wrenching pain after her trust had been broken so completely.
Lois finally fit the key into the keyhole, and she felt a sigh of relief wash over her as the key slipped inside its home with ease. There. She could finally get out of here and…
‘And what?’ her internal musings demanded as she let out a frustrated whimper. Just then, a pair of strong arms wrapped around her from behind, holding her tightly in their embrace. An involuntarily shudder escaped her throat as she felt the warmth encircle her and she began to cry.
“Lois …” Clark called softly, bending toward her ear as he turned her around. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry.” The words escaped her throat in between the uncontrollable sobs. She pulled back and looked into his face. She started to cry harder. She let him hold her, but couldn’t bring herself to use her voice again, for fear that once her voice escaped her lips, there would be no stopping herself. The thunderstorm of emotions would finally escape, and there would be nothing left unscathed and exposed from the raw emotions that were threatening to overtake her at that moment.
Lois leaned into him, reaching up to grip the collar to his shirt with her hand as if it would save her from the raw emotions tumbling from within.
As the tears fell, all of the emotion that she’d been holding inside spilled out, and before she knew it, she had laid it all out for him. “I lied.” She repeated the confession again. This time with more strength in her voice. “That day in the park when you … I had been lying to myself for months and trying to pretend it wasn’t there.”
Clark attempted to cut her off, shaking his head, “Lois, that was nearly a year ago. I told you then…”
“No, no, no…” The words continued to flow out of Lois’s mouth, ignoring his attempt to offer her an out. “I nearly ruined everything, and I keep doing it. I keep running, and I don’t know why. I just can’t bear the thought of not having you in my life because you mean too much to me and…”
Clark cupped her face with his hand, holding her close to him and brushing at her tears with his thumbs. “Please don’t cry. I’m not going anywhere.” A smirk crossed his face, “No matter how many times you slam the door in my face.”
Lois let out a soft chuckle, wiping the tears from her face, “That’s not funny.”
“Look, I know this is a lot to take in,” Clark whispered, brushing his hand against her cheek. “for both of us.”
“You could say that,” Lois reasoned aloud, taking a step back. “I just don’t know how to reconcile everything I thought was real with…this new version of everything.”
“I’m still the same person, Lois. I’ve never been anyone else with you.” Clark explained, taking her hand in his.
“But I still saw you as two different people,” she reminded him.
“So, where does that leave us?” Clark asked, looking down at her hand in his.
“I just need some time…to sort through all this.” Lois responded with a tortured expression.
“I understand,” he responded with a sigh.
"Do you?" She eyed him cautiously, feeling as if she had crushed his heart in two with her plea for time to think.
"Lois, I’m not naive enough to think you wouldn’t need to take a step back after something this big." He reached out to cup her cheek. "I get it. Take as much time as you need."
“Okay,” she relaxed, feeling a small smile crept across her face, "So, I'll see you at Tony’s later?"
His eyebrows rose, and his forehead creased as he looked back at her in surprise, "Tony’s?"
She gave a noncommittal shrug and nodded, "You promised me lunch at that…supposedly best sandwich shop around, remember?” She arched an eyebrow at him and asked, “You’re not backing out, are you?"
"Wouldn’t dream of it."
________________________________________
Dan Scardino took a sip from his mug of coffee watching as the team Detective Ryder had put together were combing through Mayson’s automobile. He turned to where Mayson was sitting in the corner, tapping her hand nervously against the table in front of her.
He let out a chuckle and asked, “You act like you’ve got drugs in there or something. You okay?”
Mayson looked up, shaking her head as she turned back to him. “No, nothing like that. It’s silly, really.”
“Try me,” he extended his arms and pointed at himself, gesturing that he was open to the challenge.
“I’ve had that car since I got my promotion here in Metropolis. I did everything like I was supposed to. Check the oil, rotate the tires… It was my pride and joy, and yet here we are watching it be taken apart after having its insides melted and charred by some punk with no hobby.” Mayson explained, her voice grew more and more agitated by the second.
“I know this can’t be easy, Mayson. I mean, I know they say you’re lucky you weren’t hurt or weren’t in the car and that’s supposed to make you feel better, but it really doesn’t. It was an attack on you and your possessions, and it’s okay to not be okay with that.”
“I wasn’t asking for permission,” Mayson quipped, leaning back in her chair.
“I know,” Scardino nodded. “I wasn’t giving it.” A silent lull fell between them, and Scardino cleared his throat, “So, I may be totally off base here, and if I am, I apologize profusely, but I couldn’t help but tell there was quite the bit of tension going on between you and those reporters last night. Is there something going on there I need to be aware of?”
Mayson shrugged her shoulders, “I honestly don’t know,”
“You don’t know?” Scardino frowned.
“Look, Clark and I used to be involved. Lois was obviously jealous and found a way to wedge herself between us. It’s in the past.” Mayson’s voice cracked as she spoke. “Now, we’re trying to put the pieces back together.”
“I, uh, I’m sorry,” Scardino apologized. “I had no idea.”
“It’s no big deal.” Mayson shrugged. “I mean, I guess I always knew she would be a problem, but I was kidding myself thinking we could be friends.” Mayson tapped her hand against the table. “She’s an okay person, and I guess she’s good enough at her job. Clark and I are working through it, though.”
Scardino’s eyebrows furrowed at that comment, trying to follow what Mayson was saying. “Wait, I thought Clark was with Lois?”
“Oh, God, no,” Mayson chuckled with the shake of her head. “Clark and Lois would never work together. She’s always jumping into disaster after disaster and way too high maintenance for him.”
Scardino smiled, leaning back in his seat, “Sounds like a woman after my own heart.”
“Well, you know, two peas in a pod and all that,” Mayson said with a smile.
________________________________________
TBC...
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