Hate Myself For Loving You
Folc4evernaday
Chapter 9
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Mayson Drake sat in the corner of the Metro hotel bar where she had the perfect view of the front desk. She had spent the last hour sipping one too many mojitos while drowning her sorrows over her current predicament. Not only did she have to deal with the insufferable agent that had been thrust on her – Scardino something or other – but she also had to sit back and watch that conniving witch throw herself at Clark.
She had seen the way that little tramp had kept weaseling her way toward Clark – practically pawing at him mercilessly – in public for that matter. She reached for her empty glass and let out a groan as the clinked the glass on the table and sighed. She was supposed to be following up on the tip she’d received that Sean McCarthy was holed up in this hotel but so far she’d seen zero sign of him. She was just about to give up when she spotted a familiar figure enter through the double doors of the hotel.
Her hand clenched around the glass in her hand and she heard the bartender call out, “Hey, that’s it you’re cut off!”
She looked down and saw the blood dripping from the open cut on her hand. “I’m fine!” she insisted as the bartender wrapped a towel around her injured hand. “I just lost my grip.”
He didn’t say anything as he picked up the shards of glass from the table and then disappeared behind the bar once more. She held the washcloth to her palm, applying pressure to it as she stole a glance at the front desk.
Lois Lane stood by the lobby desk with an unfamiliar man dressed in a dark suit. She frowned, recognizing him as an undercover officer she had worked with. She spotted the nervous look on Lois’ face as she continued to fill out the paperwork before her – almost as if she was trying to hide. A scowl crossed her face as she began to put the pieces together.
“That little two-timing…. slut.”
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Lois fell back on the hotel bed, feeling it out as she kicked her shoes off. She had long since changed into something more comfortable after it became apparent the date, she and Clark had been looking forward would not be happening tonight. She had packed enough for a few days. Hopefully within that time the police would have a lead on who was behind the threats. She was tired – exhausted really. Disappointed and famished. Right now, she’d even go for whatever overpriced snacks were in the room’s sampling of stock snacks.
Clark had promised that he would catch up with her after the police had finished up at her apartment. It was the only way they would have been able to get her to leave. It had taken an hour and a half to finish giving her statement repeatedly to what felt like the entire police force. Henderson had provided her with an escort to check into a hotel for the night while the police finished surveying the crime scene. She let out an involuntary shudder at that thought. Her apartment – her home of eight years –was considered a crime scene.
Clark had of course offered his apartment as a safe haven but with how complicated their relationship was right now – and the fact that this had happened right before their date – she had turned him down. It wasn’t that she didn’t feel safe there. It was quite the opposite actually. She felt safer with Clark than she did with anyone. Even Superman.
That was the problem.
Well, partly anyway. She felt safe with him in a way she never had with anyone, but at the same time she was terrified. This feeling – the deep yearning in the pit of her stomach that continued to grow with each passing day – it scared her. Denial had been second nature to her for years. Bury down her feelings and ignore the pull and spark for fear that she would find herself on the losing end of a relationship once more.
She had lived so comfortably in denial she hadn’t even realized how serious things had become between her and Lex. So much so that it had completely caught her off guard when he had proposed. Looking back, she couldn’t understand how she had been persuaded to say ‘yes’ let alone planning a wedding and life with him.
It seemed as if that had been someone else – a shell of her former self – living in denial. It wasn’t until she had been staring at her reflection, preparing to walk down the aisle that reality sank in and she realized how very wrong everything felt. She had lost nearly everyone and everything she cared about all around the same time which she had an inkling had a lot to do with her decision to agree to a proposal, a marriage, and life without much time to contemplate the consequences.
There, staring at her reflection the gravity of how much she had lost hit her like a ton of bricks. The denial was gone. All she could think of in that moment was what she wouldn’t give to try and make things right with Clark. His declaration for love had caught her off guard just as much as Lex’s proposal but looking back she knew there had always been something. An irresistible pull that drew her to Clark from the beginning – no matter how long she tried to deny it.
Deny it she had tried.
Deny it when she felt her defenses begin to slip.
Deny it when she found herself alone and the first person she wanted to reach out to was Clark.
Deny it when she was faced with the end of the world – literally – and the one person she wanted to hold onto was Clark.
Deny it when she was faced with the possibility of losing Clark to someone else.
Now, here she was faced with the reality of facing her demons and coming to terms with the feelings she had long denied. She had been so close to confessing her feelings that day in front of the Planet, but the moment was lost when Clark had taken back his declaration of love. She had suspected for some time he had been lying to save face. A kind gesture to help her salvage her dignity at the time and their friendship.
A light knock came from the door and pulled her away from her internal musings. She stole a glance at the time, seeing the hour hand inch its way closer to the twelve, wondering who could be at the door at this hour. It was well past the hour of getting room service or deliveries. She approached the door cautiously, looking through the peephole. Through the peephole, she saw Clark standing outside her door.
“Lois?”
Lois reached for the door handle to open it. She cracked the door just enough to poke her head out and eyed the brown boxes in Clark’s hands, “Is that pizza?”
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Jimmy ran a weary hand across his face as he finished making the last of the notes on the research he had completed. Thankfully he had tomorrow off and would have a chance to sleep in. The late hours were killing him but the overtime was something he was in desperate need of. Even with the raise he’d been given a few months ago he was barely making it with the price bump to his rent. He knew he’d have to bite the bullet soon and either get himself a roommate or find himself another place, but for now he was putting in the extra hours in hopes of making do for now.
He had found quite a bit out about Albie Swanson. A drop out at Metropolis State’s Chemistry program. He had been hired by LexCorp to complete drug trials and disappeared without a trace until recently when he had been hired by the Gables estate as a personal assistant. He wasn’t sure what that had to do with the mysterious drug or the prison breaks that had been occurring but he was sure Lois and Clark could take it from there. He grabbed his things and made his way out the door with his keys in his hand.
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Officers searched the apartment while Bill Henderson spoke with the officer on duty who had been tasked with keeping watch of Lois Lane’s apartment. “You’re sure?” Henderson barked at the officer in front of him, running a weary hand across his face.
“We canvased the area but no one went digging in Ms. Lane’s closet so it very well could have happened before we arrived.” The officer responded with a frown. “We were trying to respect her privacy as best as we could.”
“I just wish someone would take a hint and do the same thing,” Henderson let out a grunt.
He looked around the apartment and let out a defeated sigh before barking out the orders to keep looking for any signs of a break-in. Thankfully Lane had found other sleeping arrangements for the night but she still would have to come back here at some point. When she did, he wanted to make sure there was no residual leftovers from her stalker.
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Clark let out a long breath, looking over the balcony connected to Lois’ room. He watched as Lois reached for another slice of the pizza he had brought from one of his favorite pizzerias in Florence. The bright lights of Metropolis reflected below as he watched Lois lean over the balcony. The curve of the corner of her lips whispered a hidden smile as she turned back to look at him.
“It’s gorgeous up here.”
“You can almost see into Gotham from here.” He pointed to the misty lights off into the distance just past Hobb’s Bay and then turned his attention to Lois who was watching him with a bemused expression.
Lois let out a satisfied sigh, taking another bite of her pizza, “This is amazing.” She closed her eyes, seeming to savor the sensation of the pizza marinating with her taste buds.
“Best pizza in the world,” Clark grinned, reaching over to take his own slice, sinking down on the bench next to Lois. It wasn’t Fouquet but hopefully it would make up for their ruined plans and at the very least end the evening on a positive note.
It had taken everything in him not to give into his impulse to scour the city and begin his own search for the stalker that had the gall to invade Lois’ privacy and go so far as to destroy the clothes hanging in her closet. It had taken everything in him not to give into the temptation. He knew it was a fruitless pursuit until they were finally able to put a face to the predator that was hell bent on making Lois’ life hell these last few days.
As much as he wished he could take her for a flight around the city to forget her troubles he knew that dropping that bomb on Lois tonight of all nights wouldn’t be fair to her. She was mentally spent and he had no intention of adding to her emotional turmoil. Still, he knew he couldn’t continue leading this double life with Lois. He had to tell her the truth. The sooner the better of course but it would also require him not being pulled away to tend to a rescue and Lois’ life not being put in danger. A rare instance as of lately.
He let out a defeated sigh. At this rate, they would both be old and gray when he finally summed up the strength to tell her the truth.
Just tell her.
Not tonight.
But she has to know.
Not at the expense of her mental health. He reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose, realizing this internal battle would continue until he found a way to follow through with what his parents had practically ordered him to do. He knew he needed to tell her. Making that decision wasn’t the hard part. It was figuring out how to tell her and when. It wasn’t something he could just blurt out.
The white and blue lights from the starlit sky glowed against Lois’ face. He mused momentarily what she would look like on a flight above the clouds, close enough to touch the stars. As quickly as the thought crossed his mind, with it came the fears of what would happen when she realized just how long he had been lying to her.
‘Stop.’ He chided himself, intent on squashing the doubts seeping into the forefront of his mind.
“Sorry about tonight,” Lois apologized for what felt like the umpteenth time.
Clark shrugged his shoulders, “Things happen. We’ll go out another time.”
Lois sighed, leaning her head back, “Not exactly scoring points with stalker and door slammer being added to the list of reasons not to date.”
Clark shook his head, “Lois, you have nothing to apologize for. I’m still amazed you thought you could go out after what happened.”
“I didn’t want to let the person behind all this to win.” She looked up at him with a remorseful expression. “Kind of a bad habit I picked up having my life in jeopardy on a regular basis.”
“It’s okay to not be okay,” Clark said. His tone remained hesitant as he gazed back at her.
“I’m starting to learn that,” Lois admitted sheepishly.
“I think it’s something we both have been guilty of a time or two.” Clark admitted sheepishly, recalling a time or two he had jumped in without looking and often times he would try to carry the burden of the world on his shoulders—quite literally.
“Occupational hazard,” Lois mused leaning her head against his shoulder as she looked up at the stars. She gave him a remorseful expression and sighed, “I know this isn’t exactly how either of us planned for tonight to go, but thanks for still hanging around.”
“Always,” Clark said, taking a sip from his glass. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”
“It’s a shame. I was kinda looking forward to that chocolate mousse again.” Lois mused playfully. “I may have to swing by there for lunch…” she looked at her watch and grimaced. “…today.”
“You and your chocolate.” Clark chuckled and then reached his hand over to take her hand in his, trying to find the right way to ask what he’d been wondering for the last few hours. She put up a good front but he could see the cracks behind the façade. “How are you…really?”
“Honestly, I’m frustrated. I’m exhausted. I’m angry…and I can’t decide which emotion to focus on.” She reached her hand up to stroke his cheek. “I’ll be fine. I always land on my feet.”
“Doesn’t mean you should have to.” He reminded her gently.
Lois’ eyes shimmered as she stared into his eyes, seeming to be searching for the right words. “I shouldn’t have to, but that’s how it’s always been. It’s gotten me where I am today and I’m still standing. I’m fine, really.” She reached over to take his hand in hers. “I just hate that I killed the evening with all this stalker business.”
“You didn’t kill anything,” Clark reached up to stroke her cheek with his palm. “This is one of my favorite places in Flor…” he caught himself mid-sentence, about to reveal where he had picked up the pizza and backtracked quickly. Maybe too quickly. “Flora’s. My, uh, neighbor’s daughter recommended the place when I moved in.”
A bemused expression crossed Lois’ face and he sat there, wondering if he shouldn’t just bite the bullet and put it all on the line right then and there. But he knew it wouldn’t be fair to her. Not with everything else Lois was working through tonight.
‘Just tell her.’ “Maybe, sometime you could take me to this ‘Flora’s’?” Lois ventured, turning so she was facing him. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of it.”
“Oh, it’s an out of the way place.” Clark let out a sigh, hoping she would change the subject before he really did accidentally slip up. He looked around the rooftop and pointing to the block of buildings just below them. “You should really try out ‘Tony’s Steaks.’ Best sandwich place around.”
“That run down little shop on Third? That’s a sandwich shop” Lois looked back at him with an amused expression.
“They’ve got a great Philly cheesesteak and they make their own bread in house. It may not look like much, but it’s great food.”
Lois let out a soft giggle, “Where do you find these places?”
He shrugged his shoulders, contemplating how to respond.
‘Just tell her.’ His face tensed and he shrugged his shoulders, doing his best to remain calm as he responded with the truth, praying it wouldn’t put a sour end to the evening. “I ...traveled around the world and got a good idea of where to find the best food so I stop in from time to time when I need to.”
Lois stared back at him for a moment and then asked, “Since when is Metropolis considered ‘around the world’?”
Clark groaned internally, wondering what he should do. Should he just blurt it out or continue to be evasive and pray he could make do until tomorrow when he could plan out his revelation and hopefully not send Lois running for the hills. He bit his lower lip, mentally kicking himself as he pointed to the shop once more. “So, what do you think?”
“What do I think about what?” she asked, blinking back at him in surprise.
“Tony’s,” He grinned back at her. “Barring any world ending disasters that might rear their ugly head, we can go there for lunch in…” he looked at his watch and grimaced, “Eight hours.” Then he added with a grin. “And Muriel’s coffee is right outside too.”
“Well, assuming the world has not ended by the time lunchtime comes around I think I’ll be open to trying it out…but I’m not making any promises. I may not like it.”
“Of course not,” Clark responded confidently. “You’ll love it.”
“We’ll see,” Lois giggled and he looped his arm across her shoulder, enjoying the momentarily closeness between them. She leaned her head up, propping it on his shoulder and let out a long breath, “So, I take it you’re not hightailing it after…two disastrous dates?”
“One,” Clark corrected and then added, “but it wasn’t a disaster.” Before she could argue he added, “I’m not going anywhere. Way too much work. I’m already invested. Then I’d have to go find someone else to challenge me on everything…”
“I do not challenge you on everything…” Lois sputtered out.
“And then I got to go through all the trouble of pretending to lose an argument…”
“Since when do you pretend to lose anything?” She challenged, crossing her arms over her chest in mock indignation.
It would be so easy to say it. Right then and there – reveal everything to her and come clean about Superman. It was the perfect opening. But the tired lines on her face reminded him why he couldn’t. He wouldn’t do that to her.
Not tonight.
He ignored the question and continued with his teasing. “Seriously though. Way too much trouble to run for the hills.”
Lois swatted him playfully on the arm. “You never answered my question.”
“And I’m not going to.” He responded matter-of-factly.
“You
let me win arguments?” she arched an eyebrow at him.
“Sometimes,” he chuckled, enjoying the curious expression on her face.
“Anything else I should know?” she ventured cautiously, arching her neck to turn toward him.
“Yes,” he responded, his eyes twinkled with mischief, knowing full well how much she hated to be in the dark on something.
‘Just tell her.’
He stared back at her, preparing mentally to change the subject once more. He had all the reasons to stay quiet and continue with this pretense
“Well?” she prompted, tapping his jaw with her index finger.
“Well, Lois, the truth is…” A smile crossed his face and he mentally prepared to lay it out on the line. No more hiding behind the lies or secrets. Just the truth. As painful as it was. “I disguise myself as Superman so I can save people from danger without putting those I care about in danger.”
Lois stared back at him for what felt like eternity and then to his surprise she started laughing, “Very funny. You almost had me.”
“I should get going.” He opted to cut the conversation short rather than insist he was being serious, he let out a short breath and responded. “It’s nearly two in the morning.”
“I know,” Lois smiled back at him. “I’m not tired.” A yawn escaped her throat.
“I think you’ll be singing a different tune in a few hours.” he cocked an eyebrow at her.
“Maybe,” Lois replied with a sigh. “but that’s what they make coffee for.” A silent pause fell between them as he stared back at her, wondering how to steer her away from where her focus appeared to be centered at the moment. “So, I take it I’m not getting an answer tonight?”
“I gave you an answer.” He raised his already arched eyebrow further up.
“Are you ever going to tell me?” she prompted him, playfully teasing his forearm with her index finger.
He held her hand in his palm, and reached over to grab the empty pizza box to clean up as they re-entered the hotel room. He motioned to the door, “I should get going.”
Lois nodded, following him to the door as a yawn escaped her lips. “So…goodnight.” A smile peeked across her lips and she sighed. “Thanks for dinner.”
“Anytime,” he reached over to cup her cheek, leaning toward her as he stared into the deep pools of her eyes that held his attention. Her hand looped around his index finger, gripping him with her hand. He could feel the heat from her breath a few millimeters away from his as the world around them disappeared into the distance behind them and she tilted her head up, closing the distance between them and finding his mouth with hers.
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A waste.
That was all tonight had been.
A complete and utter waste of Mayson Darke’s time.
Mayson reached her bandaged hand out to grip the strap to her purse, wincing at the reminder of her wound. Her bleary eyes teared up as the piercing pain throbbed behind her eyes. She placed her palm against her forehead, applying pressure to her temples.
“Cab should be here any minute, Ms. Drake.” The manager at the bar said, offering his hand to help her to her feet.
She gave what felt like an awkward smile as she found her footing and wobbled toward the door. She felt her breath catch in her throat when she spotted her by the elevator. A bitter scowl took over her facial features as she stared at the unwelcome sight of Lois Lane by the elevator wrapped in a clinch with Clark Kent.
“Ms. Drake?” the manager tapped her on the arm, pulling Mayson’s attention to him. “Everything all right?”
“Fine,” Mayson said with a curt whisper. “You said something about a cab?” The bar manager helped her to the exit as her eyes narrowed, focusing on the couple that seemed oblivious to the attention they were drawing.
‘Tramp.’________________________________________
TBC...
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