Lois & Clark Forums Forums General Discussion Fun with Polls Weird conversation with family members.

I had a weird conversation with my family member last night and wonder if your all mute to it or are affected by dead bodies during a funeral.

I chose other. It does bother me and I think it is the choice of the individual person if they go up to the casket. When my father died I did not go into the viewing and it was made clear by my mother that I did not wish to. My brothers and sisters were understanding. When my mother died my sisters made the arrangements. They told me the casket would be open but there would be no formal ceremony of anyone going up it was up to the individual. They even told me that they had checked out the small chapel and that I would probably be more comfortable in the back. I don't know who sat with me but it was one of my family members. So it wouldn't look strange for me to be in the back by myself. I think it was my brother-in-law and a young niece and nephew.

Any way I have given instructions that there is to be no viewing at all when I die. I would like to be cremated (Sp?) and have my ashes split and sprinkled in both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.

I've never been to an open coffin funeral, but I was present when my mother died (in hospital after a long illness) and didn't feel any particular revulsion from the body after the doctor said that she was dead.

I'm Swedish, and ethnic Swedes don't have open-casket funerals - it's just not done. A friend of mine, also an ethnic Swede, was recently invited to a Muslim funeral. Not only was the dead woman carried on an open bier, but her relatives were filming her all the time. When they arrived at the grave, and the woman was lowered down into it, one man kept filming her, down in the grave, for several minutes. Everyone was standing close by to watch, too.

I've been to several funerals, but as I said, the dead person was always in a closed coffin. But I have seen my share of dead bodies, though. When I was twenty, I was working at a hospital as an unqualified nurse's assistant. I can't say that this hospital was understaffed, but the patients kept using their alarms all the time, usually to ask for a glass of water or something. After a while, us nurse's assistants didn't exactly come running to whoever was calling for us whenever we heard this alarm signal. And wouldn't you know that one day a man had a heart attack. We let the alarm sound for about a minute before we went to check on him, and I think he might have been dead already. I'm not at all sure of that, however. We ran to get the nurse in charge, but she was very new and inexperienced, and she couldn't find the proper equipment needed to revive him. He died. It was horrible. I felt so guilty, I can't tell you. To make matters even worse, I had to help wash the dead body afterwards. The most horrible thing of all was putting my hand into his mouth to remove his false teeth. Sure I was wearing gloves, but I could feel how alive his mouth seemed. It was warm as if he had been alive, and the insides of his cheeks were wet and soft and smooth and slick and perfect. To feel his mouth like that, so seemingly alive, and to know he was so dead, was terribly jarring.

Then my grandfather died. He was 94, he had been a widower for nine years, and he had just had enough. He stopped eating and drinking. A few of us relatives were there. He was delirious and scared, so we decided we should start singing for him. We sang his favorite hymn. Immediately he seemed to relax, and after less than a minute he just let out a sigh, and died. I still believe he thought he was hearing the heavenly choir welcoming him into paradise. I am, as I have said before, very much an agnostic, but I'm so glad I was singing my grandfather's favorite hymn to him when he died.

After that, my father died, and I, my mother and my aunt were there with him. He was so sick and in so much pain. He was frightened, too. I still feel so sorry for him.

Then there was my neighbour, a 75-year-old lady who had been a smoker all her life, and her body was worn out. During her last year, I bought groceries for her, went to the chemist's occasionally and generally came to check on her to see if she was okay. One evening, she was so very, very much worse than she had been before. I wanted her to go to the hospital, but she refused. I stayed with her for some time, we made phone calls to her daughter who lived about a hundred miles away, and we called a medical helpline where you can get medical advice. Well, as I said, my neighbour refused to go to hospital. I went home. The next morning, I used the spare key she had given me to let myself into her apartment, just to see if she was okay. It was early, and she was asleep, but she seemed peaceful. I left to go to work, calling her later from work, and she seemed okay. When I came back that evening, she was terrible. But she had put up a big note on her fridge: "I don't want to go to hospital, signed, XX XX." What could I do? I called her daughter again. I fixed water bottles with straws. I helped her go to bed and I stayed for a while. Guess I could have stayed the night, but I didn't. And the next morning, when I let myself in with her keys again, she was dead.

So as I said, I have seen my share of dead people in my life... which is not to say I would be particularly interested in viewing a dead body in an open casket at a funeral. I would do it if the relatives wanted me to, but I wouldn't do it for myself.

Ann

I'm not completely bothered by dead bodies. All of the funerals that I've been to that had a casket have been open-casket. My grandfather was cremated, so there was no viewing and no casket to see. However, whenever I see the bodies, it's hard to believe that it's really that person. Most of the time, they just seem like wax figures, placed there for rememberance, instead of it being the remains.

The one thing that does bother me is that I don't like to touch them. I see people going up all the time and touching the hand or the face. Because it's hard for my mind to make that leap between wax and real person, actually touching them gives me the creeps. And don't even think about kissing it. Yes, some people give them kisses on the lips or face to say goodbye. I absolutely refuse to do that. *shudder*

My step-dad died just over a month ago. He'd been fighting cancer for two years. There was an open casket for a one-hour viewing period, then it was closed before the funeral service started. Dad's oldest son stayed out in the lobby until the casket was closed; he didn't want to remember his dad like that, which everybody respected. I went fairly close to look, but didn't touch. After that I stayed further back so I didn't notice if other people touched him or not.

My mom lives a few states away, and my kids had just finished a lot of travel over Christmas, so I went up by myself (drive 8 hours on Thursday, funeral on Friday, drive 8 hours on Saturday). I thought I'd sleep on someone's couch or something. My mom & sister-in-law said they'd gone through and cleaned out my dad's room (he snored like crazy, so my mom had moved across the hall about a decade ago), and put new sheets on for me, so... I stayed in there Thursday & Friday nights, sleeping on the bed he'd died in Tuesday morning. It was a bit weird, but not that much -- if I'd seen him dead in it, maybe I'd have felt different. I figured, what the heck, it wasn't the bed that killed him.

PJ

My grandfather died nearly four years ago as he lived in france he was cramated there i went to the chaple of rest with my father, brother and step-mother but i didn't go into the room where my grandfather was, but the door was open and i saw him he looked just like he was asleep as he was dressed in PJ's and in what looked like a bed, we al said that we expected him to sit up and shout boo (as was his sense of humour) although it hasn't effected me i still didn't want to be in the same room. i also don't like the thought of being in the same room as someones ashes.

I don't particularly mind open casket, though I don't know how I'd feel if it was someone I was close to. The only funeral I can remember being at clearly was about 3 years ago--a classmate of mine (4-year senior) was killed in a car accident. I didn't know him that well, despite being a classmate for 4 years (I was a loner of sorts), so I mostly felt this sense of detachment--but ended up crying in a friend's car after the funeral for two hours about something trivial, so I guess I was affected. Anyway, to see him was just weird--waxy looking, pale, didn't look *quite* like he should. But I didn't have a serious problem with it or anything.

It depends what you mean by "affected by" a dead body. If you mean, does it make me sad? It does. Especially if I was close to the person--seeing a person in a coffin is a reminder that they are no longer an active part of my life. So in that way, it does.

If you mean, does it frighten me or make me feel scared? Then no. To me death isn't a particularly frightening thing, so I don't mind seeing a dead body. Touching one doesn't bother me either, although I don't feel a great need to touch one either, but that's probably also due to my upbringing.

However, I think it should be an individual choice. I also don't think a child should be forced to see a dead body if s/he doesn't wish to--I know of at least one who was scarred for life by that.

capes, click on the word "Affected" in my first post. I explained it in my other post on another site.

I think I picked the first option.

I have only been to two funerals. No one in my immediately family has died yet (grandparents, parents, brothers...). So perhaps the relationship factor could effect my reaction.

I went to one once in grade nine for a fellow classmate where her mum died. She was Roman Catholic and we went to a Church. I think the whole experience of being at a service was a bit much for me - total unfamilarity with Church rules and my first funeral. It was closed, but once I saw casket I cried. I cried because I was sad over the situation and for my classmate. Also, others were crying. I was a bit erked at the site of my first coffin. With that said, I am not sure if it was the coffin or the situation that lead me to be *so* touched.

The second time was when I was around 22 or 24. My step-aunt died and it was just a gathering at a funeral home. I cried because...well I dwell on it. That is just my personality. I think and think until I am upset or worried. I can turn the most happy thing ugly. I was in the family room and just listened. There was no coffin or body. I don't know if there was an urn, but she ended up that way. So, the body didn't effect me here.

I hope I won't have any experience to touch upon in the near future. When my grandparents die there will be no funeral ...nothing. I don't want to see their lifeless bodies or coffin. I just have no desire to.

However my step Grandma is Buddist that that will be *big*. I have missed all the other Buddist funerals in my step family and even though I'd be sad to see her go, I will soak in the experience because it will probably be the last big type of funeral in my family on that side. The others are not that big into it..plus it is very expensive. I don't know if the urn would effect me.

When my dog died we had her cremated. That effected me. I know that may seem a bit morbid, but I didn't want her to just disapear like she would with incineration. I needed a reminder of her. She was closer to me than my stepdad. She was around since I was 10 (I'm almost 29 and she died 10 days before I turned 28). I was effected by that. Mind you I was crying on and off for months knowing she was going to go at sometime. Seeing that urn made me really sad, but now when I go to my mum's I take off the lid and say "Hello Sally!!" She in a bag and I hope she's liking it. :p EDIT - oh wait. I saw her dead body during a goodbye (closest to a funeral)at the vet and that made me sad, very sad. Her body didn't bother me at all. I touched her. I was just sad that she was gone.

I guess I don't have any real stories directly relating to your query, but I thought I'd share the closest I have.

I have a friend who died due to cancer. she was very close and therefore, I've helped, preparing the body for the burial.

I was affected in a particular moment, when I had to apply her lipstick and her jaws were tight and I had to force her lips to come out. I thought I was hurting her.

Eventually I gave up, and her lower lip was left without make up. It looked all right though.

For me it was hard. As she knew she was dying she had time to prepare her own funeral and she even decided who or not to invite.

In the end, I was relieved she was resting, but thesong she chose to be played in her funeral never leaves my memories.

She chose Smile.. and if you check the lyrics again... you see how incredibly it matches with ehr final moments.

Thats my little cent to this conversation.

MDL