Lois & Clark Forums Forums General Discussion Fun with Polls if it were you...

Okay, I'm bored out of my wits stuck indoor in this Chicago snow storm.

This question is of similiarity to Lois and Clark but not exactly. Imagine yourself as a boyfriend of a girl whos is a decentend of Lois and Clark.

I'm basically seeking a men's oppinion on this but if your a woman you can post too but please post a reply too if you like. If you don't see your answers that you want, please also put a reply to this.

Comments replied maybe used for my own personal story.

e.g.:
Physical disability - deaf, dumb, blind, disabled
Mental disability - depressive: Learning disabilities: retardation, APD, hyperactivity, ADD, and dyslexia.

I don't care about the powers. If he's got 'em, great, if he doesn't ok - as long as he told me and I got to choose whether or not to stay with him.

I'm a woman and I answered your poll but your choices for #4 are kind of screwed up. The choices you give don't go far enough. Would you marry them would be: with/without powers and with/without physical disability. (Although it might depend on how severe the disability - as in multiple). It they had mental problems no I would not marry them. That is taking you into areas that if you are thinking of children that it is just to hard to deal with.

Okay I guess considering what you have under mental I could go with a few of them - the ones that fall under learning disabilities. Depression no, ADD depends on how severe same with hyperactivity. APH I think is what you have listed don't know what that is.

Kmar, it's not APH, it's APD. It's the abbreviation for Auditory processing Disorder. I wrote a story about the symptons here . Read it first.

If I was really in love with someone, it wouldn't matter to me. If they had a mental disability, it would depend on how serious it was and if they placed you in danger, and if they were getting medication for it. Many mental disabilities can now be treated successfully with medication, including depression and ADD.

Honestly, I would probably not marry someone who was mentally retarded. I need to have conversations with people on a certain level in order to have a relationship with them, because personality and communication are very important to me -- more so than physical appearance. So that is one that would be out. I have nothing against mentally retarded people. There is a guy in my local Star Trek fan club who is retarded, but is otherwise a nice person. However, I wouldn't marry him (primarily because he doesn't take showers, but that's another story).

Yes, I would marry a physically disabled person if we were compatible personality-wise.

Heh...superpowers don't mean much to me, since you can't have them in real life, so I'd take them either way.

As I said I don't really have a problem with marrying someone with a physical disability. Be it paralysis, blind, death or mute. I would not marry someone with a mental illness no matter how much I loved them. Yes there are medications for people to take. But after a while many medications loose there effectiveness. Also many have side effects that people get tired of living with. They are doing fine so they stop taking them. Then the problems start. Legally you can't force a person to take medicines for mental illness. So what do you do then when your faced with financial and emotional ruin because they've done something that has gotten them into trouble or you simply can't have them in your home because of the danger to your children.

As I said before with physical handicaps you can see the scope of what problems you are faced with. You can't really tell that with mental illness - depression etc. Things like ADD or Hyperactivity or Dislyexia (sp) are learning disabilities and not mental illness. Learning disabilities I have no problem with.

Retardation - marriage to a person with a normal IQ doesn't work for me. You can't really share your life with them, have meaningful conversations. You would be their caretaker not their life partner.

I did say Mental disability not Mental illness, there is a diffrence. So what is a general word that means both mental illness and Learing disability?

I think maybe there is also a word for slow comprehension level with bad memory too. Mind you if I were talking to you personally and face to face, I would not be talking like the way I am talking here. I wouldn't even know that your talking to me.

Anyhow, I'm getting side tracted here. So what exactly are you say Kmar that you wouldn't live with and date a person with Learning disability?

I think this would be an awfully good fic idea to explore, as long as it didn't end up being Mary Sueish. Maybe a challenge?

Go ahead EmilyH. you can go ahead and write it.

I double dare you.

Heh. If only I had more time, and my plot bunnies weren't niggling me for original fics. I promise I will post them as soon as I get enough to.

No I'm saying I wouldn't live with or date a person with mental illness. I consider depression an illness not a disability. I guess I consider there to be learning disabilities which you are putting as mental disabilities and I don't put them in that category. I guess I would have 3 categories:

Phyiscal Disabilities - paralysis, deafness, muteness, blindness

Learning Disabilities - Dsylexia, ADD, mental retardation

Mental Illness - depression, paranoia etc

Now as to whether or not I would have a relationship:

Physical disabilities - no problem

Learning Disabilites - no problem with most (although as stated previously no to a relationship with a mentally retarded person)

Mental Illness - no I would not want to have a relationship with someone who suffered from mental illness.

Kmar, when you say you won't marry someone with a mental illness, do you realize that mental illnesses can be something other than I-went-mad-and-killed-someone? I'm not assuming anything, but it sounds a bit extreme to say you'd never give a person with a mental condition a chance. I have a friend who's manic depressive - she's a wonderful person and great to talk to, and I definitely would say she'd be an asset in a relationship.

Please think about that.

Julie

Julie, I think Kitty asked a very general question and Kmar is trying to answer it as honestly as she can, given the generalness of that question. My best friend also suffers from depression and is a very successful person, by all measures in our society. She is a brilliant, delightful and fascinating person. Yet I would agree with Kmar that, in general, I would think twice before getting involved in a romantic relationship with someone if I knew going in that they suffered from this.

For every person like my friend (and yours), there are people like one of her ex-boyfriends, whom I adored as a person, but who had a very difficult time coping with life. They ultimately broke up when he refused to do anything for himself, forcing her into the role as caretaker, not partner. A suicide attempt, and his refusal to take responsibility for even trying to get better (taking his medication, for example) was the last straw.

There are also people like my friend's brother, who became schizophrenic during his last year of law school ... after years of struggling, he's finally been committed yet again to another hospital, a danger to himself, if not others. (I actually based some of my S6 story, "Fatal Attraction", on his symptoms/actions.)

Now granted, if I were already in love with someone and they were diagnosed with a mental condition, I'd be likely stay with them. But to commit to someone in the first place, knowing that they had a condition that might get passed on to children? I'd have to think twice. I'm not saying love wouldn't conquer all, but there are many other things to consider -- how responsible the person is about their condition, for example, and the likelihood that it would progress to a serious situation in the future. In that way, mild to moderate depression that is well controlled with medication is a very different thing from serious depression that results in periodic breakdowns.

Kathy

Ok I was going to keep quiet but I can't any more. I was diagnosed with depression and panic attacks about four years ago. I was placed on medication and had to quit my stressful job. I found another job and worked there for two years. My mother passed away almost two years ago my depression worsened. They upped my meds and I went to therapy. I quit my job and found a better paying job with more hours and I still work there to this day.

On to my point. I hold a job, I have my mothers house. I'm in the process of buying my brothers half of the house from him. I have a dog. I shop, clean, cook, and bathe myself. I was very very upset to read the comments here. If you don't want to marry someone who has a problem that they can't even control, then your going to miss out! I am a well loved person with many friends in real life, the boards, and on mirc. People love to be around me. I think it is ignorant to say you wouldn't marry someone because of a small thing that they can't even control. It's people like you who put the stigma on depression. I'm so utterly disgusted at the comments on this poll I don't even know what to do. I hope the posters of these comments know how many people suffer from depression, and maybe you better think about who may or may not suffer from it on these boards. I don't want any sympathy, or flames, i get enough of that in my real life.
By the way I'm only 23 years old. So I'm more stable then many of my friends who are not depressed.

I was more toward the Learning disability side. Those things are heriditary. None of my sister has any Learning disability. My second sister had three kids one is mildly dyslexic.

And I was hit the hardest, with which one of the many Learning disabiity, I do not know. I'm more leaning towards the APD side but cannot be sure of it. If those things are heriditary and I would wonder if a man would put up with a hassle with a wife who have hearing problems. Geesh, I'm heading for the confession session here. Anyhow, this disability will be passed on to their children. There will be a lot of screaming and misunderstanding going around when you have a wife with APD. It's a hassle. I never been around a good man in my life so I don't even know how men thinks. But I guess I added in the other 'depress' disorders because of a movie I saw. I wont get into other details <Augh! I'm rambling again.> about the symptons and how he has to adjust his life to compinsate for the diorder.

A physical conversation with an APD person is not easy, especially if the conversation is long. Am I getting my point through? If I were to really did meet a man for me, I really reconsider rather he would take me with warts and all... and my hangups also. Hum.

Yup, at the age of 35 I sincerely doubt that would happen now. Which I hate to be analysing so deeply but what if there might be some hope or a life with a man in which you cannot remember things from one day to the next. It's not proper to just email each other when your sitting right next to each other. There is also the physical attraction part that I do not do. Men prefer pretty woman which I am not.

Yes, it either marrage or school. My dad wants me to choose. Like if it's so easy. I get nervious just standing ten feet from a man. If I knew I'm going on a date with an actual men the I'll wind up needing to go to the bathroom every five minutes.

Okay, I have got to stop rambling on now. Got to go to bed now.

I'm sorry the thread upset you, Jen.

For the record, I did specifically mention that there is a big difference between someone whose depression can be controlled with medication (as my best friend's is, as well as that of many other people I am close to) and someone with schizophrenia, which cannot be cured. People with this condition can improve for periods of time, even holding down a job, but the sad part about the disease is it is often during these "good" periods that things go bad -- it's fairly common for the schizophrenic patient to decide that they are fine now, and stop taking their medication, which of course starts a downward spiral that is extremely difficult to halt.

I'm sorry this thread struck a nerve with you and hurt your feelings, but I'm sure you can see the difference between someone like yourself, who behaves responsibility towards your condition, and other people out there, who, for reasons that may or may not be their fault, do not. And the fact remains that having a relationship with someone who falls in the "does not" category, no matter how much we love them, can be heartbreaking.

I don't, however, think that there is as big a stigma on depression as there once was. Given how common it is for people to be on anti-depressants these days, I think it's fair to say that we all of have at least a few friends who take such medications. I know I have several, and I consider myself very fortunate to know them. The depression that you are refering to holds no stigma for me, no more than finding out someone I know is on insulin for diabetes would.

Kathy

I guess I should have been more forth coming when I posted my replies. My view is clouded by alcoholic and emotionally abusive parents. My father was alcoholic all my growing up years and they were both emotionally abusive to the children. My mother threw him out when I was 17. My family could have been the poster family for dysfunctional families the world over. My parents never divorce so he was still very much in our lives as was the fighting. There came a time when my fathers health failed miserably (sp) from the years of alcoholism and diabetes(caused by alcoholism). Since there was no one else my mother took my father back in. They did not live near any of the children so I moved to within a few blocks to help out. At this point my mother became alcoholic. Needless to say my view of taking on anyone elses problems is tainted by years of dealing with alcoholic and emotionally abusive parents. So if I offend anyone I do sincerely apologize and please recognize that I am answering from a place that I just can't deal with going into a relationship knowing I would have to deal with certain types of problems. If they developed after the relationship was established I'm sure I would feel differently.

With that said, Kmar, I really do feel for you.

My mom was never really involved herself in my life. Even though my parents are not as bad as yours. My mom never gives any praises or anything to her children. The only thing my mom would ever say about us is to guest, in which she would tell guest how bad her children are. At least we're not into drugs, MOM!

My mom put me in a high school that I specifically told her I did not want to go to. And now what did I learn from that school. It taught me bigotry and hate. Now I'm Black people phobic.

My parents are just obervers in our lives... well not 100% but maybe 98.99% of an observer.

Anyhow, I'm just wanted to saying that I have a hint of what your going through. I hope things go better for you.

Yeah things got better. I'm middle aged now and my parents have both passed on but for the last several years before my mother died I was short with her about many things. She had to try and control everything to her liking - such as the amount of time I took off for us to go to my sisters for Christmas. That is not where I wanted to spend all my vacation time but my mother had to be in CHARGE of everything because she couldn't stand that she was dependent on me to really get around. Anyway for a number of years after she passed (father had all ready passed) I had to deal with a lot of anger and guilt. Have finally done so I think and am at a place now within myself I'm starting to like. Never been married cause just couldn't deal with it dealing with my parents. But that is all right I have a big bunch of nieces and nephews I spoil and then give back to their parents. Decided that is the best way in this day and age to have kids - spoil those of your siblings.