Lois & Clark Forums Forums General Discussion Fun with Polls My virtual friend passed away.

Hi FoLCs,

Yesterday I got the sad news that a virtual friend of mine died.

We have been talking since we were kids. (He was in Egypt and I´m in Brazil). I haven´t heard from him in a while, so I´ve decided to call. I was shocked and surprised when a cousin of his (the only one who could barely speak English) told me he had passed away a few weeks before.

It was obviously the saddest thing I could hear this week. It´s like a real friend that I lost.

Guys, I wanted to know from you if you would feel the same way. If that had ever happened to you and (I don´t want to think about it but...) if something happens to you, is there anyone who could actually tell us something happened? Do you think about it sometimes?

MDL,

First, let me express my sympathies. I am sorry for your loss.

I don't have any really close virtual friends that I've gotten to know well on a personal level (like a pen-pal or something), but if I did have one, and lost him, as you did, I am sure I would feel the same sadness and sense of loss that you do.

I was undecided how to answer your last question. I put 'Yes, but I don't want to think about it anymore', which really isn't totally true, because it sort of implies I am so tramatized by the thought that I don't want to think about it. Actally, I have thought about it in passing, but, I have not made any plans for my RL friends or family to go online and notify anyone there. I probably should have put 'other' and then explained here, but it's too late to go back and change it now.

Interestingly, I was just thinking about this the other day. I'm going into the hospital next week for minor surgery. As much as I tell myself it is no big deal, I admit to a bit of anxiety, thinking about possible complications, etc. So, yes, the thought popped into my head. If I suddenly stopped posting here, would anyone even notice? Probably not, since I tend to post sporatically, anyway. I post a lot, then disappear for awhile, then come back and start posting again.

Interesting question, and not morbid at all. I really am sorry to hear about your friend.

- Vicki

Erica,

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I haven't had any virtual friends that has passed away.But I truly believe that friends are friends. Either in RL or Virtual. I think it's still a friendship you lose. I know it probably sucks right now. But It will get better. It just takes time hon. I'm always there for you, Remember that.

Love,
Rach

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Erica}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss!

I hope you get the answers you're looking for in the poll.

For the first question I answered other. The loss wasn't really "mine," but at the same time it was. I know her death affected others far more than it did me, but I was still extremely saddened to hear of her passing. Last year, this fandom lost one of its most valuable and dedicated members. Renate Brink. I didn't know her personally, but I did have the opportunity to be a part of the very first fanfic distribution list which she started and I also had the privelege of speaking with her in IRC a few times.

Question two, I feel, needs no explanation. It's just a "yes."

For question three, I regrettably put 'no.' If anyting happened to me, my family (*if* they thought about it in the first place) wouldn't know how or where or who to contact here. I'd just be gone. Hopefully, I won't have left anyone dangling with a cliffhanger never to be resolved.

Fourth question, this is where it gets hard. I chose 'yes,' I thought about it, but I don't want to think about it anymore. I probably really should have chosen other, but therein lies the complicated part. I'm not sure that I want to share. I'm going to think about it and come back if I decide to post.

Sara (who's interested to see what will arise from this poll)

Very interesting question, Erica. And I too am sorry for the loss of your friend.

Yes, FoLCdom's lost a few members over the years: Rhen Brink, as Sara mentioned; also Barb, who married another FoLC but tragically died only a few years later; and the death which affected me and others I know most, Yael Kfir. Yael was only 22 and had her whole life ahead of her. She was in military service in Israel, and was killed in a terrorist attack. See here for more information.

Anyway, although Yael wasn't someone I could claim that I knew well, I knew her from her participation in discussions on the fanfic list; she sent me - and others - feedback on stories, both on-list and in private email; and she participated in a roleplaying-game fic on the list. So when I heard that she'd been murdered, I was in shock for a couple of days. It affected me deeply enough that I wrote this story as a tribute to her.

So, yes, something happening to online friends, even people one has never met or spoken to in person, can deeply affect me and others.

As to whether I could or would make arrangements to have people notified... well, when it comes to FoLCs, I have enough FoLC friends who are also 'family' friends and would know... but I prefer not to think about it.

Oh, and Vicki, I hope your surgery goes well! And of course we'll miss you, so hurry back!


Wendy

Okay, hypothetical, if something happened to me tomorrow (can you tell I've thought about this before), I'm sorry to say that virtual friends would probably not know. However...when people correspond with me by email, all my phone numbers and such are at the bottom because of some organizations that I also deal with, so hopefully someone will call if they feel that something's wrong. BUT, I'm hoping that when I move to <insert state> for graduate school in a year and a half, I'll actually get to meet a few people once I get out of the Gulf Coast, so hopefully at least a couple of people would know.

JD

Edit: Me and my big mouth with my hypotheticals LOL. Oh, well, as long as I survive the flu/common cold, I'll be okay for now.

Sorry for your loss. I imagine what it's like.

Edit: Actually, now that I think about it, I did lose a virtual friend. I don't know what happened to her, maybe that's why it escaped my mind. Her name was Ashley, and we e-mailed each other a lot until she disappeared and her e-mail address was erased from the Hotmail servers. I tried reaching her at another address she gave me once, but never got a reply. Have no idea what happened. Right before her disappearence she told me she was pregnant, and that they were accusing the father of rape, even though it wasn't, and I think she even said they were drunk or something... and remember, she was about 14 at the time. I was worried about her, and then she just disappeared. I hope she's okay.

As for me, I made my best friend promise she'd tell you, but I'm not exactly sure she'd remember, or if she even thought I was serious. And come to think of it, I'm not even sure she knows who to e-mail or how to get here (note to self: give her a few addresses). Anyway, I'm not planning on dying any time soon (unfortunately, it's not something you plan, but let's be optimistic).

Julie

Oh Erica! That's so sad I have no words.

My answers:

1) Yes, I've lost a virtual friend. I still don't know what happened to him. We met in a chatroom and we IM'ed every day, but one day he just disappeared and soon his eddress wasn't valid anymore. I miss him.

2) Yes. Just yes.

3) I voted for yes. A couple of FoLCs have my telephone number and my snail mail address. So, if they cared to try to reach me on the phone or via snail mail, someone of my family (Dad, Mom and one of the brothers can speak English) could tell them what happened to me.

4) Other. First, see above. Second, you can be 100% sure that FoLCdom is such a big part of my life, that, if my death isn't instant, I'll make sure that someone will get in touch with you and tell you. (Obviously, I've thought about it.)

See ya,
AnnaBtG.

I'm also very sorry that you had to find out that your friend passed away. I just don't know what to say except give you a ... virtual?....hug.
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I have been lucky enough to not have lost anyone that has been a friend to death.

I have thought about who would tell. I know my husband knows I frequent these boards a lot, but I have no idea if he would say anything to you all. I was surprised to find out the other weeks that he thinks I am outgoing b/c I BR and 'talk' on here. He said he couldn't do that. SO that leads me to beleive he's feel out of place leaving a message. I don't think he would know where to look.

I've never lost a virtual friend. But I know how it would feel like loosing one of my RL best friends. I can't really find words so:

((((((((erica)))))))))))


For the answers:

1. No.

2. Like I said it would feel like loosing one of my RL best friends. Truth is, my friends know more about me than members of my family. I prefer online to virtual 'cause for me, online friends are as real as RL ones. I have their snails adress, phone, I know what they look like, we exchange on personnal or everyday life issues the same way I would with RL best friends. We send each others stuffs (virtual or 'real') when we feel like it, etc. I consider my online friends as best friends, too. Plus, RL or online my friends choose me, not the contrary.

3- Let's face facts: no.

I mean, except for a few FoLCs who I trusted enough to give them my cellphone and snail adress, only my mother knows I'm frequenting a fanfic related site, but she doesn't remember which one.

So, let's say she's still alive when it happens and strong enough to quickly recover from losing her only child after going through all of the process alone.

She knows about the 'few FoLCs' I mentionned above. But I doubt she would call them. She only speaks english if forced to. Unless they sent me a snail letter to know what's wrong. And even then, they better make sure their adress's showing.

That also means she'll come all the way to my place and check the snail mail. That could take long... at least 7 hours from the moment she learns about it. Much longer if I'm out of France, heck out of Europe and she has to come over.

4- yes. But I don't want to think about it anymore.

Carole

1. No, but I lost my RL friend to suicide by fire last year. I was sleeping at the time it started and got out through either sheer luck or with the help of my guardian angels, whichever you prefer. Mark was my housemate. We shared a townhome -- I paid rent. We weren't going together or anything, but we were friends. So I totally sympathize with your loss.

2. Yes. No matter where you meet them, friends are real.

3. Probably not, but who knows? I would hope that someone would at least post something to my personal web site.

4. Only right after the fire. Otherwise, no.

Yes, I've lost online friends -- see the list Wendy posted. Yael's death was a shock. And it was a case in point, as I recall, because it was months after her death until a sister wrote to the fanfic list to get Yael unsubscribed. I wasn't that close to her, but it still upset me.

I don't think my husband would take any time to contact my online buddies if anything horrible happened to me. But I have some real-life local FOLC friends (hi, Annie! <g> ) and there are a number of people out there who have my real address & phone no., so if someone was really worried, they'd be able to call/write to check things out. Kelley knows about my online friends, so if one of them contacted him, he'd explain. But I doubt he would take the initiative.

More generally, though, if I disappear for a week, check the Weather Channel. I might just have lost power (again) for days at a time...

PJ