Lois & Clark Forums Forums General Discussion Off Topic State of Medical Care?

These are documented statements actually found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals, which is kind of scary! Now, even if these are not true (but I'm sure they are) it's still pretty funny to think that these things were actually on someones chart!

-The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

-Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

-The skin was moist and dry.

-Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

-She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

-The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

-I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

-The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

-Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

-She is numb from her toes down.

-Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

-While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

-The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

-The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

-Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

-Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

-Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

-Patient was alert and unresponsive.

-When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

-She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

-Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

-On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

-The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

-The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

-Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

-Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

-The patient refused autopsy.

-The patient has no previous history of suicides.

-Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

-Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

-Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

-Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

-Skin: somewhat pale but present.

-The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

-Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

-Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

-Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

-Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.)