Lois & Clark Forums Forums General Discussion Off Topic Smallville: Sacred

Writer 1: I can’t believe they made us come in at 8:30.

Writer 2: I know. I’ve only had one double espresso latte. I’m whipped. Who’s that guy sitting in your chair?

Man with goatee stands up and smiles.

Big Time Movie (BTM) Writer: Good morning, people. I’m a big time movie writer and I’ve been sent here by Millar & Gough to help you with your little Lana problem.

Writer 1: Lana problem? What Lana problem?

BTM Writer: Underutilization, man! Underutilization. You are blowing it. Big time.

Writer 2: Huh?

BTM Writer lifts a silver Haliburton style briefcase to the table, extracts a key from his pocket and opens it.

BTM Writer: Now, don’t be alarmed. You two have done a find job so far given that crappy CGI budget. He pulls a pair of surgical gloves from the briefcase and slips them on. But M&G are concerned that if you don’t pick up the ball, viewers are going to forget that this show is all about Lana.

Writer 1: Lana? I thought it's about Clark Kent growing up to become Superman? You know, going through the normal teenager stuff only with superpowers?

BTW Writer: (looks alarmed and stops his work) Where did you hear that?!

Writer 1: Uh...I think I remember reading –

BTM Writer: Forget what you’ve read. This is all that matters. He pulls a laminated piece of paper from the briefcase, handling it carefully. Let’s see, according to the Lana Bible, you’ve covered some of the basics. Orphan-ization. Check. Demonstrations of virginal innocence, check. Near death experiences only to be saved at the last minute. Ooooo, you’ve got nearly all 1,437 of those covered. Only 368 to go. Evil slut witch inhabiting her body so she can wear fetish costume. Check. All right, here we are. Here’s where you’ve deviated from the path of righteousness.

Writer 2: (looking at Writer 1) I thought Lana was just Clark’s first love? The girl he leaves behind?

Writer 1: Yeah. Yeah, we saw that book, remember?

Writer 2: Do you know where it is?

Writer 1: I think it’s holding up the short leg of the table.

Writer 2: Quick, get it. (Smiles at BTM Writer) You were saying?

BTM Writer: We need to move Lana more to the center of the Superman mythos. No, we need to make her the mythos. She’s The One. The One who made him the man of steel. And we need to make sure the world knows it.

Writer 2: Uh...well, we gave her that cool Kryptonian symbol tattoo. And she wears black now.

BTM Writer: It’s not enough. She has to have The Evil.

Writer 1: (hoisting a massive book onto the table) Oomph. Here we go. The Big Book of All Things Superman (flips pages) Let’s see, Lana Lang. Lana Lang. Hey, where’s pages 1 through 146?

Writer 2: M&G ripped them out, remember? Said they didn’t want us getting confused...

Writer 1: Oh, yeah. Right.

BTM Writer: (not listening to the other two) Now, picture this. I see Lana as a super villain. So powerful, Superman crumbles at her feet. I’m thinking maybe some purple glowing eyes...

Writer 2: Well, isn’t Lex supposed to be the super villain? We’ve been working on it for four years. Michael’s been shaving his head and we’ve gotten him this awesome purple wardrobe. Gave him that evil bastard of a father.

BTM Writer: Yes, yes. You’ve done good with Lex. And we’re going to use him. Trust me. In fact, I’m thinking maybe this week we go with...wait for it...a torture scene.

Writer 1: (looking up from book with big eyes): Torture?

BTM Writer: Yeah. But nothing too rough. You know, family show. Some cuts. Maybe a little electrocution. It’s just been a while since we’ve had a Lex torso shot. M&G have gotten some nasty letters from a fan in Georgia. So strip him down, we’ll throw her a bone.

Writer 2: Who’s going to torture him?

BTM Writer: Umm...let’s see. Whadda ya got? Where’s that map you’ve been tossing around…looks kind of Asian...Asia...Asia...too far from Iraq...hmm...China! Yeah, China! That’ll work.

Writer 2: You want them to go to China?

BTM Writer: Sure. Everyone knows Chinese guards are evil. They’d definitely be up for some torture.

Writer 2: (grabbing a pen and scribbling furiously) China. Guards. Torture. Got it.

BTM Writer: Let’s see, should we have Clark get tortured, too?

Writer 1: We did a Tom torso shot two weeks ago. And he got tortured by the witches.

BTM Writer: Nope. No good. Don’t want to be accused of repeating ourselves. How about that Jason kid? He’s pretty buff, right?

Writer 2: Yeah

BTM Writer: Okay, string him up next to Lex. Give those old lady fans a thrill.

Writer 2: Can I ask a stupid question? Um...why Lana?

BTM Writer: (completely baffled) Why Lana what?

Writer 2: Why the obsession with Lana? I mean, isn’t our target demographic high school girls and comic geeks? I’m thinking they are more interested in Clark...

BTM Writer: No, you’re not getting it. Those teeny boppers want to be Lana. They want to be gorgeous and loved by everyone who sees them. Rescued at the last minute. They want to be pretty pink princesses who can kick some serious butt.

Writer 2: Ahhh. Okay, but what if not everyone wants to be Lana? I mean, we got Chloe. She’s cool. And she knows Clark’s secret now.

Writer 1: Don’t forget Lois.

Writer 2: Yeah, Lois. Dang, they are really loving Lois.

BTM Writer: (rolling eyes) Lois is not even supposed to be in Smallville yet. Don’t you guys know anything about Superman canon?

Writer 1: Yeah, but Erica and Tom just snap. Did you see them snap when we brought that dog on? Some really cute bickering –

BTM Writer: You are forgetting the focus of the show. In fact, this week, we’re not even going to say the names “Lois” or “Chloe”. Tell Erica and Alison they can have the week off.

Writer 2: But Lois lives with the Ke -

BTM Writer :(lifting hand to stop him) No buts. No Lois. Say it with me. Clark loves Lana. Lana is the show.

Writer 1 and Writer 2 (in unison): Clark loves Lana. Lana is the show.

BTM Writer: Okay, so we got torture and Lana with the purple eyes...I’m thinking maybe we go with the Crouching Tiger moves. You guys seen Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Wonder if Kristin’s ever done any wire work...

Writer 1: Cool. Did you guys know Superman once fell in love with a mermaid?

BTM Writer: Let me see that...oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, we can use this. I’ll just see if we can’t get those Nemo guys in here to do the CGI on Kristin’s legs.

Well Lynn your post was much more interesting than the show! In fact, I will have *deleted* this horrible episode of Smallville from my memory by the end of this post, it'll be long gone and that's where it shall stay. I suggest any of you others who were unfortunate enough to see it last night to do the same LOL.

I'm normally a fan of the show and if you saw it and enjoyed this episode, please accept my apologies but this was just too horrible for words IMO.

Simply awful, I knew from the previews it would be bad but I never could've imagined it being *this* unwatchable. UGH. :rolleyes:

And I agree with Margot Kidder now, if *this* episode was how they dealt with the death of Christopher Reeve's character, no wonder she refused to return to the show. What a disgrace! Funny thing, I heard on the radio yesterday morning an advertisement for the episode, can you believe they were pushing it as being "the most visually stunning Smallville *ever*!" ... give me a break! Lana looked like an idiot jumping around like that, ridiculous. Sorry for ranting but I was almost convinced to give up on Smallville after this episode, and I've been one of the few defending it from time to time.

Besides that, what the h*%$ do these stones have to do with Clark? It makes no sense at all, and I'm no expert but as far as I know there is nothing even remotely close to this craziness anywhere in the comics or the mythology. If I'm wrong someone please correct me and educate me? All they're doing is reminding us that the creators of the show continue to know *nothing* about Superman or the mythology, and they are really just making it all up as they go along. Pathetic.

There were a couple of small mentions of Lois, but if you blinked you missed it. Martha said at the beginning that Lois was out of town so Clark had "no excuse" not to work on filling out college applications. And near the end when Clark checked his e-mail, I noticed there were an *awful* lot of e-mails from a certain Lois Lane. Other than that, no Lois, no Chloe, and (surprise!) no Shelby either. Guess the dog will disappear along with Alicia and other long-forgotten characters.

Ah well, this confirms it ... if it weren't for Lois and the Luthors I would no longer be watching this show. I will tune in next week to see how they are going to portray Lucy, but as of this moment, I will never torture myself with thinking of last night's awful episode again! LOL! That is of course, other than hearing what the rest of you have to say about it. Otherwise, it is *deleted* from my brain!!!

Couldn't agree with you more, SuperGem. I missed the first five minutes (all the stuff before the credits) so I didn't hear the reason for no Lois. Even so, still no excuse.

This episode was laughable it was so bad. I can buy the stones - they could be like those crystals that Clark from the Superman movies found that helped him create the Fortress of Solitude. But it's Lana's involvement that I can't forgive. I'm as far from a purist as you can get, but this is just over the top and for absolutely no good reason.

And I'm with you - if it weren't for Lois and Chloe and Lex (and he's borderline since they are massacring his character right now) I'd stop watching altogether.

I didn't know that Margot Kidder had commented as she had. Wow. I'd love to read what she said since it sounds like she was really ticked.

Lynn

Lynn -- That was so funny, I almost fell of my chair from laughing. And when you got to the part about the nasty letters from Georgia about MR torso shots, I nearly choked on my tic-tac.

GEM -- you go, girl! Well said, all of it.

As for me, I watched, eyes rolling so often I thought they were going to pop out and disappear under the couch. What show was I supposed to be watching again? Obviously not Smallville ...

I did catch the beginning and ending mentions of Lois -- and LOL'ed at all the emails from her. Awww, they're chatting even when she goes out of town!! Probably insulting each other ("Don't get used to that bedroom of yours, Smallville; I'm coming back next week.") and secretly loving it. A small touch, but an appreciated one, especially when some stupid writer (probably Lynn's BTM) thinks they can recreate sexual tension between Clark and Lana by throwing her into his arms and have them go on this trip together. And, good god, they must really think their audience is dense with the level of preachiness on the Lana/Clark interaction -- "You'd be afraid people would treat you differently", "I feel like I don't know you anymore." Ug. Gag me.

Re: Lex/Jason -- OK, hands up; I can't be the only one who said, upon Lex following Jason to China, "Well, gee, now that the Clex has died, they're going to give Jason/Lex a whirl!" I burst out laughing at Lex's line -- "Did you really think I'd bring you into my life and not keep track of you?" Bless my slashy little heart, I thought it was hysterical. As for the torture scene, though ... good god, don't they put viewer warnings on WB shows? Seems like the sort of thing that even CSI would put up a blurb before the show about.

I have to admit, though, Jason still gets the best dialogue, and his delivery is so awesome, especially when he's got that little smile and trying to nudge Lana into forgiving him.

Oh, and finally ... shoot me now, but I'm actually starting to enjoy Lionel being good. Him preaching to Lex about obessions is the ultimate irony, but JG is really, really good at it. Excellent actor.

Bottom line: When it was all over, my husband wondered when they were going to find the third stone. My response? "Well, when May sweeps comes around, of course!"

Oy.

Kathy

What Kathy first said about Lynn's summary x 100 minus the tic tac.



Huge confession here....I hardly watch Smallville at all. I use the synopsises(sp?) you guys come up with to completely inform me of the show's capability to entertain, and I gotta guess that your summaries must be more entertaining.

If I'd had a tic tac when I read what Lynn had written, I wouldda choked, I know it.
heehee...hate mail from Georgia...<snicker>

TEEEEEEEJ

Lana was a mermaid?

LabRat (who might just be confused, but now has a definite picture in her head of a flying mermaid...)

Hey Lab!

No, Lana wasn't a mermaid...yet. But I wouldn't bet the farm that she won't be at some point. I was refering to the character Lori Lemaris who apparently was even engaged to Clark in some incarnations of the mythos, until it turned out that she was actually a mermaid. Since it seems that M&G are determined to pair Clark with Lana, I'm thinking they'll just bend and twist Lana into whatever shape they need to make it happen.

This week they turned Lana into a flying martial arts expert (a la Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) and she jumped and twirled, defying gravity and everything. It was a sight to behold.

/me rolls eyes then gets down on the floor to see if they are with Kathy's under the sofa.

And Kathy, big time shout out to your idea of the Jason/Lex (Jex) pairing. If I were into slash, I could get behind such an idea a heck of a lot easier than the whole Clark/Lex deal.

Lynn

I have to say, this is one of the few shows since Star Trek: Next Generation where I've seen a canon Mary Sue. And Lana Lang is it. I have to wonder, did the screen play writers get all of their experience by posting on fanfiction.net? (Believe it or not, I've read better stuff there than this episode recently.)

:rolleyes:

I hope next week's episode will be better. It should, given that Lois will be in it.

normally I'd play at being Pollyanna and find something nice to say about the episode...

second yes Lana is a Mary Sue, she's even got<fan girl speek/majikal poweeers/fan girl speek>
apparently she was/is tolerable in the comics but not so much on Smallvile...

I'll concur with the group opinion on this episode. It stunk. Nothing redeeming about it at all. They should cancel Lanaville and give us Smallville back. It seemed like a desperation hail mary to put Clark and Lana back in the same scene since they've drifted completely apart. It's a poor attempt to give Lana something to do instead of just kicking her off the show.

Lex is also being badly used. The storyline sucks, so Lex is tainted by being associated with it.

They should just kill Lana off. Or at least, move her to Metropolis for the rest of the show.