Lois & Clark Fanfic Message Boards

Register Log In

Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Fanfic Related More dialogue interspersed with narrative

Print Thread

More dialogue interspersed with narrative #159410 05/25/08 07:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2003 Posts: 446 Indiana TicAndToc OP Beat Reporter
OP TicAndToc Beat Reporter Joined: Aug 2003 Posts: 446 Indiana	Speaking of dialogue mixed with narrative, and commas - I'm having some trouble with the last sentence (sentences?) in this paragraph: Quote But he’d taken the trouble of shaving before he’d come back to her. “Mmmmm…” she murmured. “So the smooth look is for me?” Running a fingertip along his jaw, she added, “Well, I liked your slightly scruffy look…” She dropped her voice to a throaty purr. “…Superman…” and smiled as he moaned softly. “…but this is even nicer…” What do I need to fix? I'm not sure I've got it quite right. 'Toc TicAndToc :o) ------ "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." -Elayne Boosler

Re: More dialogue interspersed with narrative #159411 05/26/08 02:09 AM
Joined: Apr 2003 Posts: 1,791 9 hours from Metropolis Karen Merriwether
Karen Merriwether Joined: Apr 2003 Posts: 1,791 9 hours from Metropolis	I would probably use commas instead of ellipses and split up the sentences, or you could use Wendy's suggestion in the previous thread and use hyphens. Quote Running a fingertip along his jaw, she added, “Well, I liked your slightly scruffy look,” she dropped her voice to a throaty purr, "Superman.” She smiled as he moaned softly. “But this is even nicer…” Though, looking at that, it still seems slightly awkward to me. Hmm... "You need me. You wouldn't be much of a hero without a villain. And you do love being the hero, don't you. The cheering children, the swooning women, you love it so much, it's made you my most reliable accomplice." -- Lex Luthor to Superman, Question Authority, Justice League Unlimited

Re: More dialogue interspersed with narrative #159412 05/26/08 03:30 AM
Joined: Jun 2004 Posts: 3,145 Likes: 3 Southwest USA T Terry Leatherwood Pulitzer
Terry Leatherwood Pulitzer T Joined: Jun 2004 Posts: 3,145 Likes: 3 Southwest USA	I would eliminate the gerund "Running..." and replace it with "She drew a soft finger along his jaw and added..." or something equally sensuous. Even though many authors do it (and not just on this site), starting a sentence with a gerund is almost always a less-than-best construction. Life isn't a support system for writing. It's the other way around. - Stephen King, from On Writing

Re: More dialogue interspersed with narrative #159413 05/26/08 11:20 AM
Joined: Apr 2003 Posts: 3,454 London (the one in Ontario, Ca... Wendymr Pulitzer
Wendymr Pulitzer Joined: Apr 2003 Posts: 3,454 London (the one in Ontario, Ca...	Karen suggested: Quote Running a fingertip along his jaw, she added, “Well, I liked your slightly scruffy look,” she dropped her voice to a throaty purr, "Superman.” and said it still looked a bit awkward. You have a 'beat' in there masquerading as a dialogue tag, which is why it looks wrong. Whenever there's no speech tag, the intervening narrative needs to be a new, complete sentence. So let's repunctuate as follows: Quote Running a fingertip along his jaw, she added, “Well, I liked your slightly scruffy look.” She dropped her voice to a throaty purr. "Superman.” If we want more of a sense of immediacy, we could do it like this: Quote Running a fingertip along his jaw, she added, “Well, I liked your slightly scruffy look-” She dropped her voice to a throaty purr. "-Superman.” Wendy Just a fly-by! waves

Re: More dialogue interspersed with narrative #159414 05/27/08 12:03 PM
Joined: Aug 2003 Posts: 446 Indiana TicAndToc OP Beat Reporter
OP TicAndToc Beat Reporter Joined: Aug 2003 Posts: 446 Indiana	Thank you all - that helps! 'Toc TicAndToc :o) ------ "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." -Elayne Boosler

Moderated by bakasi, JadedEvie, Toomi8

Link Copied to Clipboard

Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5