Speaking of dialogue mixed with narrative, and commas - I'm having some trouble with the last sentence (sentences?) in this paragraph:

What do I need to fix? I'm not sure I've got it quite right.

'Toc

I would probably use commas instead of ellipses and split up the sentences, or you could use Wendy's suggestion in the previous thread and use hyphens.

Though, looking at that, it still seems slightly awkward to me. Hmm...

I would eliminate the gerund "Running..." and replace it with "She drew a soft finger along his jaw and added..." or something equally sensuous. Even though many authors do it (and not just on this site), starting a sentence with a gerund is almost always a less-than-best construction.

Karen suggested:

and said it still looked a bit awkward. You have a 'beat' in there masquerading as a dialogue tag, which is why it looks wrong. Whenever there's no speech tag, the intervening narrative needs to be a new, complete sentence. So let's repunctuate as follows:

If we want more of a sense of immediacy, we could do it like this:
Wendy

Thank you all - that helps!

'Toc