Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Fanfic Related Please help me help Lois kiss Clark

Ha! Did that get your attention?

Here's the setting. (This will be in my fourth Superpowered Lois story) Lois has tackled Clark and flipped him as he's preparing to go, saying goodnight at her door. Lois is tired of polite and mannerly Clark, and wants some smoochin'. I want to intersperse her words with kisses, and I'm not sure what looks most natural:

1. "If you think for one second," kiss, "Clark Kent," kiss, "that you are going" kiss, "out that door" etc.
2. "If you think for one second,"<kiss> "Clark Kent," <kiss> "that you are going" <kiss> "out that door" etc (or any other symbols around 'kiss')
3. "If you think for one second," Lois kissed him, "Clark Kent," another kiss, "that you are going" a couple quick kisses, "out that door" etc.

#1 looks artificial, and I don't care for it. I like #3 best, simply because it isn't repetitive, but I also don't want too much description in between her words. I want it obvious that she's dazzling him (lucky Clark) and want the dazzling to be short & understated yet WAFFy.

Please weigh in. If #3 reads well to most, I'm going to use it. I'm also open to other ideas - there are so many gifted writers here, I am sure to hear suggestions that will dwarf my petty scribblings!

Thanks-
Kevin

I don't like the first two at all. The third would work, but you really need to fix the grammar. You can only intersperse dialogue with narrative using commas if you have dialogue tags in there, which you don't.

So your third example, correctly punctuated and so on, would look like this:

And, in case you didn't spot the other change I made there, it should be a couple of quick kisses.


Wendy

I'll confess that I've never been fond of the kind of narrative in examples 1 and 2, so I'd go for 3.

LabRat

I prefer that complete sentences be used whenever possible. While I don't mind interupted dialogue, I would weigh in like this:

"If you think for one second-" Lois kissed him. "...Clark Kent-" She stole another kiss. "...that you are going-" She paused for a couple of quick kisses. "...out that door-"

Just my two cents.


Elisabeth

Just from the reader point of view I like the way Wendy has it written. All those symbols are distracting and pull me from the story.

Even risking exposure as a nerd, I prefer the second version.

But - and definitely risking exposure as a grammar nerd - I have to point out that it breaks a number of rules of grammar, and as a former GE I would have issues with it


Wendy

True enough. I wouldn't let the direct speech end at all, but just intersperse it with <kiss> - even though that is hardly correct grammar, either. Still, I like it better than the grammatically correct version.

I agree! I like that version better.

But - and definitely risking exposure as a grammar nerd - I have to point out that it breaks a number of rules of grammar, and as a former GE I would have issues with it

Now I'm getting poster's remorse over *grammar* for crying out loud. Not the sex. Not the pain. Not the suffering I put LnC and my readers through. No, it has to be *grammar*. Arrrrgh!

Michael

PS: No, I'm not going to run back and change parts 1-10. That's what editing for the archives is for, if I want to actually change it.

Have to agree with my wife...
...if only because she used my favorite punctuation, the elipse...

James

I did use the ellipse, but after the fact I wondered if Wendy was right and it should have been a dash.

Elisabeth

PS Anyone who says that English is an easy language lies.

I think it should be dashes rather than ellipses, yes, Elisabeth, but I did very much like what you did with the beats.

Of course, it's individuals' choice what they decide to go with, but version two is grammatically wrong and is likely to be picked up on by a GE if the story is submitted to the Archive. It's also more jarring for readers, especially if they're the sort - like me - who get jerked out of a story by grammar errors: the way my reading brain works is that I have to pause, mentally correct them and then have to get back into the story to read on.


Wendy

Wendy wrote:
Several years ago, I attended a writer's conference (where I learned a great deal, thank you) and one of the speakers told us that the more we knew about writing, the more it would detract from our reading enjoyment, because we'd be better able to spot errors and see how the story might have been told in a better way. "Pffft!" I thought. "That's ridiculous! I won't do that!"

I did.

I can look back on things I wrote many years ago and cringe because of the things I either did poorly or did completely wrong. And this was before I even knew about Lois and Clark fan fiction. I've even gone so far as to "fix" some of the stuff I've written but which almost no one has read (and probably never will read).

You don't have to have perfect grammar in your work, but silly or sloppy grammar will indeed break into the reader's willing suspension of disbelief and fracture the spell. We should all do the best we know how to do, and asking questions like this one is a great way to learn and to teach.

My advice? Use the dashes or the ellipses, whichever is your preference, but be consistent. And then post the silly thing, for heaven's sake! We all want to read it now!

Thanks, everyone, for the great advice! I'm much more comfortable using what's been suggested in this thread than any of the styles I'd mentioned in the original post. What I had was clunky, and definitely disrupted the flow. Let's face it: I want Lois tackling Clark ASAP and so does he! If my silly grammar gets in the way I delay the arrival of Utopia, so it's a moral imperative I get it right.

I'm close to finishing this story for posting on the boards. There will be a surprise or two that I'll reveal in spoilers below. This series will have an additional 2 stories; spoilers for those included as well.


S

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Really. Spoilers ahead. Stop now if you don't like them.


Story #4 - As mentioned, Lois is tired of slow and steady Clark, and takes matters into her own hands. Lex will be in this, and Clark will get a bit of revenge for time spent in the Kryptonite cage. Lois is going to propose in this story.

Story #5 - Lois & Clark have been married for some time, and Lois is far along into her/their first pregnancy. She is a bit more feisty than usual. I have a scene planned where she is following the nesting instinct. I hope it will please readers; the vignette is over the top, but since she's superpowered *and* Lois Lane, over the top is not difficult.

Story #6 - Lois makes a rescue in Suicide Slum and decides that slums should be a thing of the past. With the combined superpowers of Superman and Justice for physical activity, and the writing of articles, features and editorials by Lane and Kent, they push for the elimination of subpar housing, health care and the like. It's a big job, but they are larger than life. Lora, the future girl, will be back and reveal that Lois' push is what started the long road to Utopia. It tickles me to have it be Lois, rather than Clark.

Story #4 will probably be up after the 3/5 segment of Night Fell.

Thanks again, everyone.

Kevin