Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Fanfic Related Fanfic Quiz: Funny moments

In the tiny changing room, Clark looked at the clothing in his hands and thought of the absurdity of the situation. He had to take off a suit, put on one just like it, and pretend to be his alter ego.

Clark blinked. "Drunk ... nah." He paused. "I think ... *wasted* ... might be more accurate."

Lois burst out laughing, which quickly brought Clark with her. "Blitzed," she added on a gasp.

"Smashed!"

"Plastered!"

"Okay, now *that's* what I'm talking about," he blurted. "No way I
actually bought that...monstrosity! I mean it!" he insisted as his
partner looked skeptically back at him. "That has to be someone's
idea of a bad joke! I don't care if you're about to tell me I was
some kind of kitsch freak in a previous life or...or I spent all my
free time at conventions for junk fanatics...you are *never* gonna
persuade me that I actually walked into a store and put down good
cash for that...that...*thing*!"

"Lois," I say earnestly, "I'm not Superman."

I'm not. It's an impossibility. Laughable. To think I could be an icon like that, to think I could do those things... no. No way.

She regards me defiantly. "Wanna bet?"

I sigh. "I could have dealt with the flying. And the... the freaky baseball bat stuff. And... and whatever else. But... but trust me, I wouldn't... *couldn't* wear those... those *things*!"

She cocks an eyebrow at me, and I pull at the material to illustrate my point. And I moan as I realise what the thing is made of.

"Spandex, Lois?! *Spandex*? You think I'd go out like that in *public*? Flash myself around like a piece of meat in a butcher's shop?"

1. Dr. K is deathly afraid of teeth.
2. Dr. K has a secret lover and is constantly rushing off for a rendezvous.
3. Dr. K has a split personality.
4. Dr. K is a spy.
5. Dr. K is really Superman and must constantly take off to attend emergencies.

There's no TOC or Archive file for this story, so I'm not linking

Mom glanced at him, then muttered an exclamation, "What is that woman *doing*?" She hastily stuffed her notebook back in her handbag and rushed over. The woman Mom was talking about had put her hands on Daddy's chest and was looking up into his face. Daddy saw Mom coming and he got an expectant grin on his face. The other women surrounding Dad scattered like bowling pins when they saw Mom charging at them and by the time she reached his side, they were all gone.

"Defending my honor, Lois?" asked Daddy with a lazy grin.

"*Someone* has to," said Mom crossly.

"I don't think it's in any danger," said Daddy, threading his fingers through Mom's hair, "... from her."

"Really, Clark!" sputtered Mom. "Clarinda was standing so close she could have been measuring you for a tuxedo. And someone should tell her it's time to dye her hair again; her roots are showing."

"Lo-is."

"I never did like her, anyway," Mom grumbled. Dad pulled her closer, lifting her hair and bending his head to kiss the side of her neck.

"Don't do that here, Clark," said Mom a little breathlessly. She kind of fell against his chest, and put her arms around him like *she* was going to measure him for a tuxedo.

Sighing, I wandered away in search of entertainment.

Mrs Cox flounced out of the scullery then, bringing Linda
with her. Mayson crossed her arms and glared at Lois. "Get
a move on! You're far too slow!"

Lois gritted her teeth as she pushed the broom around the
uneven floor. "It's not fair," she muttered. "Why couldn't
LabRat be writing this? Then at least I'd have some decent
dialogue so I could tell you what I think of you!"

Mayson smiled triumphantly. "Tough, CinderEllen. You just
have to take what you can get."

*Bang!*

The sound rang in his ears even as he felt something hit his chest. As had happened countless times before, he had just been shot. Only this time, he was dressed as Clark Kent, not Superman. This was not good. He looked around. People were staring at him. They were expecting something. What was it? Oh, right. He'd been shot. He was supposed to be hurt. "Ow!"

Lucy held her hands up in front of her in an effort to calm her agitated sibling. "Look, I know that it seems to the rest of the world that Clark Kent was shot down in that club tonight." Lucy shrugged again. "But it's not as if he's actually dead."

Lois began to pace while tearing at her hair. "Lucy, what are you smoking? Clark Kent, my partner, my best friend and the most wonderful man I've ever known is dead. He was gunned down right before my eyes!"

"I know what you told me, Lois. But it's not like a bullet can actually hurt Clark. After all, he is Superman."

Lois' mouth opened but no words came out. Lucy had to stifle a giggle, it looked so funny. Then the realization struck her. "Omigod," she said. "You didn't know?"

I drew in a long, deep breath, looked him straight in the eye, and told him the stupidest-sounding thing I'd ever uttered to another intelligent being. "Don't ever let your prospective girlfriend think you're dead when you're not really dead. You might think you got away with it at the time, but believe me, there's a huge body of carefully researched data out there that says it's generally not a good idea. In fact, it's almost certain to put your relationship back months, if not wreck it completely."

There. I'd said it. In one fell swoop, I'd wrecked pages and pages of fanfic and made the scriptwriters rewrite half the stories in the second season. Such power! Such craziness!

"Oh, and please tell her that secret," I added, just to make sure he thought I was completely nuts. "You know, that really big one you're keeping from her. Whatever it is."

I smiled. Probably made me look even more like a lunatic.

So, I guess he figured "if life hands you lemons, make lemonade" or something like that. Maybe more like "if life hands you lemons, laugh maniacally and use the chemical energy to power your evil device." Anyway, he sent his zombies to our house. Of course. Somehow, these things always end up coming to our house. I'm not sure exactly what he was thinking when he sent them -- probably looking to kidnap Mom, but who can say? -
- but whatever it was, I ended up with zombies in my room.

"Shit, Clark, did anyone ever tell you you're the most obtuse guy on this entire planet?"

"Yes, George," said Clark. "You do. All the time."

"You do know you're enjoying this a little too much, don't you?"

"You have to be smarter than the stove, Superman."

<snip otherwise it's way too easy >

“...can use my vision, but it won’t taste as good.”

“Use your...? Oh! Cool! Do it. I want to watch.”

Lois approached him. "I hope we can still be friends, Superman."

There was a visual "ouch" from the audience after Lois delivered that line. The "kiss of death" line. The "let's still be friends" aria that marked the ringing down of the romance curtain. The fabled "fat lady" had not only begun to warble for Superman, but did so while standing on his chest with six inch Kryptonite heels.

Superman took both her hands. "Always, Lois," he said softly.

Lois stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. "Always."

He released her hands, and lifted into the air. Lois looked on admiringly at Clark's ability to fly forlornly. She sighed and walked back to her desk and began typing anew. The news room remained eerily quiet.

"Unless you're from San Francisco---"

"---We doubt that purse is yours."

The mugger swallowed and, for lack of a better plan, waved his gun at them. "You kids s-stay back! Hear?"

Martha gasped. "Oh no, Lara! He is going to shoot us! What EVER shall we DO?"

Lara brought a hand to her cheek. "Oh, if ONLY we were---I dunno---bullet-proof super-powered semi-Kryptonians or something!"

"Oh wait a minute, we ARE!"

"What?" Lois demanded, suddenly outraged. "That's not fair! You can't have a contest without a prize. I won!"

Clark placed a hand on her flailing arm, trying to contain her. He guided her hand back to the receipt, then shook his head as she scrawled something that looked more like Egyptian hieroglyphics than her signature.

"What a rip," Lois muttered, shoving the paper and pen back to Jerry. "Last time I enter a contest in *this* place."

Jerry looked a bit deflated, but after a moment, his face brightened. Reaching behind him, he grabbed a blue plastic cup, added some ice, then filled it up with water. He handed it to Lois with a smile. "There you go, Lois. Here's your prize."

Two steps later, though, Lois stopped. Her eyes widened in disbelief as something occurred to her. Then she stomped her foot and let out a yell of aggravation. "Lois, what did you just do?!" she berated herself aloud, the sound of her voice echoing off the alley walls. "Someone just tried to mug you, and what did you do? You beat the crap out of him. What were you thinking?!"

She shook her head in disbelief. That, clearly, was the problem. She *hadn't* been thinking. If she had been thinking, all she would have had to do was place a loud and frightened, "Help! I'm being mugged!" and the very man she was after could have been standing right there in front of her.

She had blown it. Blown it big time.

Lois turned back to her would-be assailant, who was still out cold. Maybe she could wake him up, ask him to try again? She could promise not to beat him up this time if he would let her yell instead.

Two hours later, they had the results. It seemed that all the Lex sightings started at a sewage grating in the middle of Centennial Park. Clark quickly spun into Superman, and was down the manhole in minutes.

To his surprise, he was surrounded by Lex Luthors! Big ones, small ones, bald ones, ones with full heads of hair!
"Superman!" they cried out in chorus. "Now we can defeat you once and for all." All of the Luthors started converging on a metal box in the corner, then began fighting as each one tried to be the first to open the box.

Within minutes, many of the clones were covering black eyes and bloody ears, and still trying to swing at each other.

"That's enough!" Superman yelled. He shook off his amazement and flew across the tunnel. He shoved the Luthors out of the way and welded the box shut, telling himself to make sure Lois got it later.

The Lexes, all suitably angry, started attacking Superman. Seconds later, bodies were flying. *Whomp* A Lex slammed into the floor. *Thump* Five more hit the wall, leaving Lex-sized imprints in the brick.