Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Original Fiction Spirals - FDK

Well, first of all, WOW!!!

Kaylle, this brought tears to my eyes and I still can't get past this lump I have in my throat.


I'm not a professor, but when something is so powerful and doesn't let go of me till I finished reading it, well, I wouldn't say it feels distant. I think the way you wrote it is actually its strenght. How can you empathize with someone if you don't feel what they feel, if you don't see things through their eyes/memories?


Okay, maybe this is where I'm biased. Reading all this I couldn't help thinking of my uncle who died of brain cancer and of your mom, of course.

To me the characters were incredibly interesting. I was hurting with them, feeling their anguish, hoping Charlie would be fine. I wasn't exactly hoping for a happy ending, though, mind you. I think it was a brilliant idea to leave things unfinished. We don't know if Charlie will make it, but that's not the point, I don't think.

Anyway, sorry if I can't help more, but know I loved this.

Elena

Hey Kaylle!

First At All... I think your professor Sucks! I really like the story. He could have some reason, IMHO, if this was an usual kind of story a begin a plot and a final, as the most classic fanfic, but this is not.

The story is a ensable of memories and that's they way the reader received that. They remember me a lot (sorry for the very inappropriate similitude) the picture in Harry potter's world. They are alive, and you can see the moment, but you just see them, you're not the one who is leaving. this made the story even more sad,but this isn't a bad thing at all! And maybe it's true character aren't developed but I never seen a Picture that tell you the whole story of the person it's showed. It's simply something different.

But the way you described emotion is simply impressive, I almost can smell the perfume, feel the touch and all the emotions.

I Think professor need a brain transplant.

Here my two cents.

Chiara

I wanted to thank everyone who read this and sent feedback, both publicly and privately! I know it's a difficult story to read, both in subject matter and structure, so I appreciate people taking the time to offer advice. I'm sorry if I upset anyone, or caused tears! That was never my intention.

Overall the response has been very positive, so I've decided not to change much and submit it to the contest as-is. And lol, Chi, at the brain transplant suggestion!

The prize is $300, so it's unlikely that I'll be winning a trip to Europe But if all goes well I'll be spending next year as an exchange student in Cambridge (I've been conditionally accepted, which means that after being away for so long, they want to make sure I can still pass my classes before they give me permission to go <g>.) In which case a little travelling will definitely be in order, and $300 would be a nice bonus <g>

Thanks again, guys! This community always comes through! You're amazing
Kaylle

[I did take down the story; as I said, I don't want it to be online when I submit it. Anyone who's particularly curious can email me if they want to read it.]

Well, you know the saying... be careful what you ask for, you just might get it...

I know this is late, but coming from the perspective of a creative writing major, I can see your professor's point. One of the hard and fast rules I've been taught is to never try and tell a short story in *either* introspection *or* flashback, which you have done here. A flashback or two can be effective in a novel format, but not in a short story. Look at it from the perspective of what *is* actually happing in real time of your story--a mother tucking in her child. Cute, but rather boring to watch when nothing else happens. Telling the story like this lacks the immediacy that one gets telling the story as it happens, and lacks the gut-wrenching impact readers get once they learn to care for the characters.

With fanfic, you don't have to worry about fully actualized characters, but with original fiction, you do. Make your people live by giving them motivation, a past, and a present. They need to be entirely three dimensional, and somehow grow or change during the course of your story. In this story, nothing really happened to your main character. This qualifies as a vignette, not a short story, because there was no progress with the main character, no real purpose for the child, and the entire reason for conflict never actually showed up in it.

Kaylle, this shows potential, but you have the ability to make it better.

Laura

Laura, I wanted to thank you for your feedback As I said, I had to turn the story in last Friday, so I didn't have time to make many changes. But I appreciate your taking the time to read it over. It's still a work in progress, in my own mind, so I have some issues to work through for the next draft.

Thanks
Kaylle

Jumping in late and pointlessly but I couldn't resist this bit from Laura:

The hard and fast rule is that there *are* no hard and fast rules in fiction writing. There are certainly things that are extremely difficult for most to pull off successfully -- maybe your professor didn't feel his students were up to the challenge at this point in the learning process -- but here in the real world, every once in a while an author will come along and succeed brilliantly.

Kaylle, I haven't read the story so I can't comment on that -- but hey, let us know if you get a good grade

PJ